Post deleted by Larabell

My H chooses NC. He had many reasons. We discussed them together. I stand by H's decision.

ember

[color:"purple"]Initially we had NC because OC was already 6 mos old by the time I found out & H had not spoken to OW since the day she told him she was pg. AND OW said that was what she wanted (NC) when it was finally 'out' & we thought OW was getting married, so OC would have a father figure in her life.

LATER we started C when OC was 4.5 years old. We thought it was the right thing to do. (OW was on state aid & H was being sued for CS, so we now knew OW was not married, or no longer) OW still did NOT want it & fought us every step of the way.

Eventually our family (kids) were showing major & physical signs of stress over it so after 2 years, when OW pulled another stunt...that was IT! Have not seen nor heard from OC (or OW) since Aug 7, 04. We do write to her via snail mail but there is never any response. IF we could have afforded ANOTHER attorney...honestly, things might have been different...but we were emotionally, mentally & financially tapped out.

I miss her (OC) but NOT the stress of OW games.

We even went to therapy WITH OW to try & work C out........the therapist also recommended NC after we had BOTH tried everything.

~~~
kt

PS: I don't think anyone is MAD @ you. @ least I'm not....I'm just confused.....[/color]

Post deleted by Larabell

We chose NC for many reasons. The OC was 6 months old when my H was served paternity papers. He hadn't spoken to or seen the ow in 15 months. The day those papers were served was Dday for both of us. The ow never contacted my H to let him know that she was pregnant.

My H wanted NC from the beginning as he had no feelings for the OC. I guess I can understand that since he was unaware of it's existence. I on the other hand felt immediate guilt associated with the oc. That guilt quickly disappeared. It's me and mine before her and hers. I will firmly stand my ground about NC. It's a line in the sand that I won't ever cross. I really have no fears about my H changing his mind though.

I might add that our children do not know of the existence of the OC and I will do my damndest to protect them from that knowledge until they are adults.

Cryn

Post deleted by Larabell

Cryn,

Your post pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about the whole NC situation. My sitch is quite different in some ways because my H knew and kept it from me until I discovered it. He crossed so many boundaries I had until it is now too little too late. He can not get beck what was lost too much hurt and line crossing to excuse.

He was acting as if she was the wife ( going to the birth and being with her at her place that they shared). It was too much so I agree with you I can not live with C on any basis and I will go to my grave trying to protect my children from this mess that cost them the family that they have known. My children are young toddlers and have no clue the situation - all they know is daddy comes to visit now, instead of being right down the hall!!!

WAiting 2 Exhale <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"] I understnad the shock & everything, the emotional upheaval & the confusion.

What I DON'T understand is the adhement NC stance? As IF your children & you have somehow been betrayed by this as well, which is NOT the case. I don't understand how this child could be considered such a 'negative thing' & have a negative impact on yoru life...THAT is what I am confused about.

W/ an OC....there is betrayal, the kids see, dad must explain it, the kids are torn between not knowing WHAT or HWO to feel about this new sibling. BUT in your case....it is easily explained as something that happened BEFORE you 2 were married.

IF the child's mother does NOT want your H in child's life....then I can also understand that, especially since the child is so old now, she probably has their life set & everything. SO I understand that too.

I just don't understand you having such STRONG opposition to C for YOUR case which is NOT a betrayal, just something from the past that, unfortuneately H nor you knew about until now.

Of course, I have NEVER been in YOUR situation. My H OC IS an OC from an A...so I really can't say what I would DO, I can only go by what I know in my life NOW!

BUT as a FBW, & I think others might agree w/ me....I can only WISH H OC was from BEFORE me & NOT from an A!

~~~~~~~~
kt[/color]

I did not have all of your facts, but I will have to agree with KT on this one. I am in favor of NC to the fullest, but only if OC was a product of an A during a M. This child was way before you were M, right?

What would be the harm now with C even if not just limited? This child is still much older than yours and came before them - not in between or even after.
your H had no clue about this child; so yes I am confused as well; eventhough I wish the best for you and your family.

W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Larabell

Post deleted by Larabell

[color:"blue"] [/color] I guess I don't understand the whole no contact thing, I know that all of us have been hurt by our husbands betrayal in the affair, and I know that the other child is a constant reminder of that pain. But I don't understand why we take our anger and hurt out on the OC, they didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask for their lives to be such a mess, I know that I don't want my husbands daughter to grow up thinking that she was a mistake and that she wasn't wanted, I want her to grow up with love, the same love that I give my children. I believe that if she would grow up thinking that way that she might not be the woman she could be. She would be seeking love in all the wrong places. I know that it is going to cause more hurt in our lives by having contact, but it isn't the babies fault, they aren't the ones who betrayed us or who caused us this pain, they are just as much a victim as us. so why do we want to punish them more. My children are too young to understand what is going on now, they are 4 and 1 but they believe that when OC comes over that we are just babysitting because her mommy has to work. I am just sorry for all those children that won't get all the love that they could have. I mean I went through phases from tellin my H to make her (OW) get rid of it, to the child will not be in MY house with MY children. But the more that I prayed for peace and strength the more God showed me that I could do this, that I could love this child that he created.And so I do. And she will be a part of my life forever.

[color:"blue"] You are correct that ALL you need is for you & H BOTH to be in agreement over it.

Yes, yours IS a unique situation, just as MINE is IRL. I have never met anyone personally, who is in a situation like MINE!

I have however, met many couples w/ children from previous relationships, kinda like yours.

I can totally understand your disappointment & shock. I thought I said that.

And yes, like your analogy of your son's tubes, YES it was YOUR child having a surgery but you MUST remember he is not the FIRST nor ONLY child to ever have that surgery.

YOU are not the first nor ONLY W who's H has children from a previous relationship or even an OC.

I guess, I think if a woman who is BETRAYED by her H can find it in her heart to love & accept OC---------WHY can't you? Where there is NO betrayal?

No denying, a shock yes, but NO betrayal!

Your 'dreams' are NOT dead, gone & over. H STILL shared ALL the firsts of a family life w/ YOU & YOUR KIDS. It's NOT like he was sharing anything w/ this child EVER!

Sorry, I just can't wrap my head around it. JUST AS many people can NOT wrap their head around a W accepting & LOVING her H OC! OR even staying married to him for that matter.

You came here for support? Are you defining 'support' as everyone agreeing w/ you? Because then YAH, you are in the wrong place.

I read your other thread....you ARE getting support, but NOT everyone agrees w/ your position. Just like NOT everyone agrees w/ MINE! That is life.

I guess, coming from a perspective, that seems so much WORSE than what you are having to face.......it seems to easy to be YOU, from MY POV. kwim?

If you would prefer to only hear from those who agree w/ your choice, I will respect your decision & decline further comment.

......IF I can refrain myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LOL


~~~~~
kt[/color]

I agree with KT.

YOur husband never lied to you, never cheated on you, never snuck around behind your back and you feel like this child is an OC.

Sorry He is not. He is a child from a previous relationship.

If this is the worst you have ever been thru then get on your knees and THANK GOD for that. You are pretty darn lucky.

I had 2 children (I say had because 1 of them is now in heaven)from a previous marraige. Thank GOD my h didnt feel like you. Or we never would have married and had the life and the children that we have had together.

This is a support board. There is plenty of support here.
You just want to here people agree with you. Some do, some dont. I dont. I feel sorry for that boy and your children.
You are blaming this little boy for the mistakes that his parents made.

Let me say one other thing that I have heard many OW and a few BW's say, If your H didnt want a child he shoulda kept it zipped or covered. That applies to before marraige as well as any other time.

Lori

I read this post earlier today and opted to keep my mouth shut. But now I have to chime in . . .

When someone posts "For Those who chose NO CONTACT" and request stories and experiences from others who have NC, I don't think it is fair to preach about what you think her sitch should or should not be. She simply asked for ideas and experiences of how NC worked out. So IMHO anyone who has experience should share it (without side notes about her sitch) and anyone who chose C should stay out of it. I know in the past when I have asked for other stories about C, I didn't care to hear about why I should have chosen NC.


To me, the issue of this OC not being from an affair was addressed in Larabell's original posts. It was a well established point that the majority of posters felt Larabell was in a better sitch than most and should recognize H didn't have A so many of the things BW experience whe has been spared. So why do we need to rehash that topic on her new post??

Larabell,
Hang in there. Read the posts/opinions as suggestions and ideas. Decide what is right for you and your H. Go with it. I wish I had some advice but my life continues to be a living hell so I have nothing to offer right now.
Congrats on the job! I started filling out teaching apps today. Hoping finding a job will improve my self esteem!

Beth

We chose NC primarily because of the wild dishonesty and unpredictable behavior of the OW. We decided that our job was to protect our children and marriage first, and that the situation was more than just dealing with the pain of the OC but dealing with the unnecessary chaos that the OW would surely wreck on our family. I believe my W and I and our kids for that matter could deal with the OC if OW could be mature and respectful of the way things are now, but that is not the case. To protect what should never have been disrupted, we just can't risk contact.

If it's not too late, I'd suggest you not delete any more of your posts. I know you've been frustrated with the responses here, but you might be surprised to know how many lurkers in your situation could be reading or someday read your posts and find help there. If you choose not to post any more that is certainly your right, as is deleting your messages, but I'd encourage you to consider the silent and even future readers of the board who could learn from you.

Well since I do have C I might be welcome here either. But I have to tell you about your support group. People can support you and NOT agree w/ you. KWIM. I have gotten alot of ideas, feelings, life experences with EVEYONE here. Not all (not hardly anyone) agreed w/me on the C issue. But I took in every bit of info that they gave me. You have to take the good w/ the bad.
I thought it funny how the first post was deleted when you stated "It was YOU or the child??? ANd now you say your H idea and feeling of N/C had nothing to do w// you?? I think it has everything to do w/ you and her. You said she didn't want C either right? So I hope you have taken some advice from the others on seeking a MC and IC, because guilt and submission to someone elses wishes over your person feelings, is damaging to a person and a M. As I stated before it should be a POJA and what is best for all. I think most here where just trying to pc together your story.
Sunny D

Larabell, it sounds like some are jealous that you weren't betrayed. Ignore them. I am not one of the favorites on this board either. But you know what, this is marriage builders. I cannot believe the vehemence of some of the posts towards your situation, some very judgemental. Even though we are all in a marriage, and trying to keep our marriages, everyone does have an opinion.

I support your decision and hope you don't leave this board.

ember

[color:"red"]Jealous?[/color] [color:"blue"] Yep! You are SO right! I AM jealous of ANY WIFE that has NEVER felt the pain of betrayal! I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

BUT you know what? It is MY life & here we are. SO I try to make the best of it, come what may. H & I tried to take a route that we thought was best, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You do what you can.

This IS MB, I appreciate the MB philosophies & try to apply them in my life & marriage. Larabell has CHOSEN to post UNDER an INFIDELITY board & IN a forum that deals w/ a spouses A that resulted in a CHILD of an 'OTHER WOMAN/MAN', ie: someone the spouse CHEATED w/.

SO the majority of responses are going to be tainted w/ THOSE experiences & opinions.

It's NOT a popularity contest.

Sunny made a good point. L is saying NOW that she had NOTHING to do w/ her H decision (notice he's NOT a 'Wayward H') to choose NC, but her ORIGINAL posts (which she has now deleted) stated otherwise. BUT overall, she's correct, because ULTIMATELY it IS H final decision.

I have never denied how shocking & upsetting a possible revelation like this was to her, her H & thier marriage.

Some of us have traveled the C/NC path & we are giving our opinions. That does NOT mean we are NOT supportive of her marriage or any marriage.

L also questioned or challenged US, even though I know she said she did not really want an answer, which I think SUMS UP her ATTITUDE pretty well. BUT she did anyway & the fact is we DO care about OC, in different ways to be sure.

I also thought I already stated that AND the ones {posters} she is challenging have had C as well.

I have personally even offered advice on how to deal w/ the CS & the hearing.........I guess THAT is NOT the support she wants. Sorry for the confusion.

It is NOT "vehemence" & "judging" that I am portraying but perplexity over the attitude.

I've asked a few questions about that but have yet to read an answer.

Hope all goes well for you Larabelle, sincerely.
Keep posting!

~~~~~
kt[/color]

Jealous? Yes I can see that. To have a husband with you every night and know that he never cheated on you, never shared his body, his thoughts, his self with OW. To not have an OC involved for the next 18 yrs?? I think quit a few of us would love to go back to that time in our lives.

There are several posters on here who have had and are having contact. Sunnyd, KT did. Hurt4-05, inanutshell, Cali, myself and others that I cant think of right now have contact. Some of us have different types of contact due to distance and difficulties with OW. But that is not the point.

The point is her marraige was never betrayed. their vows were never broken. She still has that blind trust in her spouse that me and several others probably wish we could have again.

This child is not an OC he is a child from a previous relationship. It is 2 totally different things.

Like KT said this is a board that deals with infedility and OC She is dealing with neither. IF I had a choice I would gladly trade her places.