As a BS, it has been extremely difficult to maintain my self-esteem -- especially with repeated betrayals and DDays. Intellectually, I understand that the A is generally about the WS and not about the BS, that WS follow a script, and that BS should not take things too personally. Emotionally, it feels deeply, horribly, painfully personal and devaluing.

I think this continual erosion of a BS's self-esteem (or full amputation in the case of DDay(s)) makes it difficult for a BS to execute Plan A. It makes it difficult for a BS to stop thinking of OP and comparisons and to work through the anguish of triggers. It makes it difficult to gather the courage to set boundaries and to expose.

We have struggled in & out of R for a while, and I wonder, whether we recover or not, how will I recover my self-esteem and/or the courage to go forward either with my H or with another M? I realize that improving myself during Plan A/B should help my self-esteem, but I guess that wasn't enough. I've read books about improving self-esteem, but the suggestions seem to cover a general lack of self-esteem as opposed to the loss of self-esteem from a traumatic event (e.g., an A and all the cruel fog talk that goes with it). I fear I will never be truly loved by my H or anyone else for that matter. I feel like I'm paying the price for my WH's actions/A. I feel incredibly unloved and unlovable. Any advice from the veterans?

I think I know how you feel. I thought I had the ideal relationship until I found that it was full-time on my part but only part-time on his -- and *he* thought *that* was the ideal relationship!

I then got to discover, and I am still shown virtually every day, that if he can't have a part-time relationship he doesn't want me at all. Yeah, that's pretty soul-destroying, as all of this is.

The only thing that has helped me at all is implementing boundaries and sticking to them no matter what. I have a thread a few spaces down titled "WH puts everything and everyone first except the marriage." You might want to take a look and see if the stuff about boundaries might be what you are looking for.

All the great clothes and great jobs and great kids in the world will not help you if a WS is walking all over you at the same time.

Good luck
Mulan