I have been hanging around the site lately, looking for something. It is so weird.
Perhaps it is inspiration. Perhaps it is that something that will just jump out at me and change my thinking, maybe even my life. I log onto threads, read through them, and then start to reply, but have little to say.
The folks who are hurting, I wanna say it will be ok, that pain they are feeling that just feels like it will cave in on them, suffocating them, will subside. It will still hurt, be tender when it is poked, but you will one day look back and wonder how you made it, and be amazed that you did. I wondered how in the heck I would live my life without this man, and now, here I am! It has been almost 2 years since d-day. That is amazing to me.
The folks who are recovering their marriages, I am jealous. Whatever frustration, hurt, aggravation, wrestling bouts with the topics of boundaries or forgiveness, all worth it in the end (especially if you have children). I want to give guidance, some wise word, but I know I cannot relate. So instead, I say a prayer for you.
The folks who are experiencing recovery in their lives, and maybe not their marriages, I respect and relate to. I wish it was a tonic that could be bottled and sold. I would buy it, and forgo all the work that normally goes with personal recovery. There are days when I feel like such a victor.
There are days when I look back and know I failed that particular challenge. Especially where my x-wh is concerned.
I feel stuck and jumbled. I am past the huge crater in the earth that the nuclear bomb, aka Adultery, caused in my life. But the landscape is still pretty bleak. The earth is scorched. The fall out is ugly. My family is diseased and sick, trying like heck to fight for health...for a new day...which we are not sure we are going to like anyway.
I do not think a day goes by when I do not hear my son say "I am hurting today." Even worse, my daughter appears unaffected, meaning it is sinking in somewhere in her soul, to be dealt with later, perhaps manifesting in some painful relationship situation of her own in her life.
And me, while I do not feel that hard to breathe sensation anymore, nor do I long to feel his arms around me, or wish I could smell his cologne, I have pulled to the other extreme, irritated by the shear mention of his name, wishing him misery and suffering, feeling myself getting bitter. I have not reached that wonderful destination called indifference yet.
I am in no mood to meet new people, yet find myself lonely.
I long for connection with people, yet, find myself holding a part of myself back, protecting it.
I want to fall in love again, yet wonder if the heavy reality of my past and present would crush those flitting butterflies.
I am tired of self reflection, yet find myself pushing harder than ever toward improvement and change in my life.
I am, at times, mad at God for not protecting me, and yet, know that He had tried to warn me over and over, and I did not listen. He and I both know I never learn the lessons the easy way. I wish I could apply all this hard-earned knowlegde in some way.
I long for my old life, and yet, from my perspective now, can see how much of it did not matter. The job, the status, the things, all worthless...especially when the PEOPLE were hurting, our home was angry, and things were out of control.
I am attending a divorce recovery bible study, and when I enter the room, and see a new face every week, my heart is heavy. So many of us, 90% really, are there due to adultery. I see Satan's tactics and see how silly, unsophisticated they are. And yet, they work.
I was talking with a friend lately, and we were discussing how we are extra sensitive to affairs, we see the breeding ground for an affairs, it is like a neon flashing sign now.
And no one will listen.
He had a friend from childhood who he could see was not meeting her husband's needs, and likewise, she was unfilfilled in the marriage. Six months ago. He warned her. Gave her the Harley books. Coached her. Told her about POJA. Told her about Radical Honesty. She would not listen.
Now, it is 2 weeks ago, and she came home to an empty house. Her husband had packed up his things and left. Decided to hook up with his ex wife.
Then she was listening. That is, until she happened to run into her old college sweetheart one night in a bar. And then, she was deaf all over again. 2 children...one just a baby.
Sometimes I wish I could stage a sit in, some dramatic protest. Some news coverage worthy act that would get the word out...people would hear and take to heart the message, and marriages could be saved.
But instead, I am here, on the site. With nothing really poignant or new to add to anyone's situation. Far too pensive to say anything clever or witty to offer a laugh, and not sure what part of it I fit into anymore.
I hear from my friends that it is about me now. Who is the "me" that I now want to be? Sheesh...I have no idea. My career does not fulfill me anymore, my house has too many memories, my health and physical shape is in "fixer up" status, old hobbies do not interest me, the thought of a new education exhausts me. I feel like it should be radical, whatever this new thing is, yet, I know it cannot be too radical, my kids are craving constancy.
So, thank you for letting me hang out here to reflect for a bit. Still looking for something. Hopeful I will find it!
