I am desperate here. My H and I married 10 months ago. He had a great job working as a plant carpenter for the USDA. He quit his job a month after we got married.His new boss was trying to run him off, and it worked. He had worked in the carpenters union for 5 years prior to the USDA, so we both agreed he would just go back to the Union. He never went back to work. He told me he was going to start a "business". Handyman for Hire type thing. I was totally against it. We did not have a lot of money in savings, and it had taken us 3 years of hard work to get that much. I am a very budget minded person., and the thought of not knowing where the money was coming from was too scary for me. Not to mention the time away from the family. He told me he did not care, that is what he was doing and I would have to deal with it.
It has been 10 months, and were it not for unemployment paying him every other week, we would be flat broke. We have lost 8,000 of our savings, and it continues to drop. He has been offered no less than 2 great jobs in this time, and refuses to even consider it. He spends most of his time on the computer, or at hardware stores. He has done 2 months worth of 'free' work for his family and friends during this time.

ANYWAY- to get to the desperate point, he told me tonight if I did not start suppoerting his business, he was going to divorce me. I have accepted that I have to 'tolerate' it, I just cannot be his cheerleader in this. It has wrecked us finacially and emotionally- how can I support that?! PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!I love this man! I want to stay married to him. I am going to have us read the posts together, respond to us both. God bless you for you prayers and advice on this matter!

Welcome to MB. I know that you're in a tough spot right now, but you're in the right place. I would also suggest posting on the Emotional Needs board. It's a little less fitting to your situation, but it gets a lot more traffic, so you'll get more replies.

Having said that, your situation made me step back and say Yikes!!

Have you and your H read through the concepts on the site? I would suggest paying special attention to the areas regarding the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and areas regarding Love Busters (LB).

You and your H should keep each other in mind for all decisions being made, whether or not you think that the other will be affected.

Does he always make big decisions alone? Do you? Do the two of you engage in a lot of independant behaviour?

You also need to decide what is a dealbreaker for you. If your H doesn't go back to work, are you willing to stay married to him? I realize that this is a marriage building site, and I am opposed to divorce, but if financial support is your top need, and your H refuses to work, your M may never be healthy.

Have you or would you consider doing the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? Perhaps he doesn't realize how important it is that he be financially responsible.

Do you work?

Cat

I guess I'm not sure what you would be supporting. A non-existent business? You have some difficult choices ahead of you. Because first off, you have to realize that *nothing* you're going to do is going to change him.

If he's doing his own thing now, he's going to do his own thing in teh future, until *he* decides to change.

Do you have any kids?

A drastic step might be to move all your extra money/savings to an account in only your name, until the two of you can reach agreement. Your'e married, you both have a stake in what happens.

In the worst case, it can be part of a nest egg to get you started, at best, it may be a tool to help bring about negotiation.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to check back in and let us know how it's going.

Thank you for your advice!!!!
We do not make it a habit of making huge decisions independently. We discuss issues, and we try to come to a mutual agreement on things before the decision is made. But there are times when if my H wants something done a certain way, there is no compromise. My H just has an attitude of entitlement. If it makes him happy, he is going to do it. If I don;t support what makes him happy, then I am a bad wife in his eyes. If I am unhappy as a result of his behavior, he tells me he can't make me happy, so we should get divorced. I am torn about not supporting the business. He tells me I am not supporting him following his dreams, and that 'everyone else' thinks he is going to succeed except me. I just want the life we used to have, the predictable schedule, the predictable income. Union benefits, pension, etc. I have 2 kids from my first marriage, 7 & 9. We just started counseling last week. He did agree to go with me. I am really praying that we can come to some kind of resolution. I sometimes feel guilty for not supporting him- not letting him "follow his dream". Am I being selfish? I just want to be a good wife.

Yes, I do work. I make about 2/3 what he was making when he had a job.

It's great that you're in counselling. What has the C said about what is going on?

We have been to one couple session, and he is doing 2 individual sessions, and then we will have another couple session where he will discuss his findings and offer suggestions. I will post after our couple's session next week.

OH MY GOSH!!!! LADY...you are living my worst nightmare!!! Everything you have said - has happened to me and continues 7 years later! I have had to get a separate checking account, because he has gotten himself $11,000 in debt. It is a horrible nightmare. I wish it would end, but he refuses to work for anyone else. Work is very slow now and he just basically waits for a work call to come in. And, yes, I couldn't tell you how much free work he has given to friends and family. It makes me sick to think about it. I even had to get a job an hour from home, driving into Atlanta each day because the pay was good and we needed the $. But, this has actually been a blessing, because I have been able to put back $10,000 in a retirement account in MY NAME. I have read every article on this website and he has finally agreed to work on the marriage but only after I told him that I was considering a divorce. Not to scare him but to be brutally honest and Not because I don't love him - Gosh I love him so much - but I am almost 40 years old and I have serious issues with financial security. I don't think any man could understand how a woman feels about security. After all, isn't this why you get married. You fall in love and have hopes and dreams of this man taking care of you and protecting you for the remainder of your life. Oh my gosh! I could vent for hours. I am sorry. I just couldn't believe their was someone else out there with the same issue. Pray. PRAY HARD!

I'm an entrepreneur, so I understand what you and your husband are going through COMPLETELY. There were several months after grad school that I didn't have income because I was building the business, and we have racked up a bit of debt like you. However, when things got tough a few months ago, my husband and I made a deal that if the business wasn't profitable by a certain date, then I would look for a regular job. I had to seriously consider his feelings because we are 'in this marriage' together. However, shortly thereafter, the business did become profitable, and, now, I make more than he does. And he doesn't complain anymore either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would suggest a similar 'deal' with your husband. If his business isn't profitable by a certain date, then he has to get a regular job. And if he doesn't honor that deal/promise, then you have bigger issues to contend with.

The less you support your entrepreneurial husbandright now, the more he's going to resist getting a regular job, (if the biz doesn't work out that is). The more you support him, even temporarily, the more he'll respect your feelings and compromise.

I disagree. I don't think he will have any respect for her if she tries to be supportive. Hell, he has no respect in the first place for allowing their finances to go down the tube.

I say you call his bluff and tell him that YOU want a divorce if he doesn't do something about the horrible situation he has created for you.

There is no way I'd allow my other half to destroy our finances like that (not that he would).

I agree with scubachick2’s methodology.

Although you are right in expecting husband to fulfill his financial obligations he has some "demands" to you to be supportive. Of course he should have talked to you and gotten your support beforehand but since you are already wet and in the deep-end...

This has been going on for some time. Could you cope for 60 more days? Look at this like you are the Chief Financial Exec in your company. The CEO is goofing around and you have to pay the bills. You are also a 50% shareholder. Become a participant without accepting what is going on in the company. Sit down with your husband and draw up a business plan. Doesn’t have to be a “formal MBA plan”, just a schedule for the next 60 days and an accepted yardstick to measure results. In this case results would be measured in $$$.

Set a 60 day deadline. At the end of that time your husband should reach a goal where he has an income that you both agree to. In that income goal will be all monies paid (jobs finished and paid for), all income promised (jobs started and payment expected when over) minus costs. Do not accept his verbal promises of payments, costs and jobs just around the corner unless you can 100% confirm them. You will have to negotiate the goal with him. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your required income but should be at least 75-80% of it. Once he reaches that the rest will come easily. be flexible in the sense that if he just misses the goal you could extend the trial time.

Then set an action-plan. Get him to make flyers, handouts, contact contractors and whatever is necessary to get a job. Just get him out of the house and from the computer. Doesn’t matter what you are selling if nobody knows about it. If his first step does not turn a result in 5 days get him to work the phones. Make him walk door to door in small business areas…

If this works out and the goal is reached just keep his nose to the stone. If it doesn’t he has to accept to move on and get a paying job. Although I would have a plan for how to react if he does not comply I would prefer to cross that bridge when you get there.

Regarding divorce threats. A general rule in life is not to threaten something you are not willing to carry through. It’s a hard call but I would suggest you tell him “Sorry if that is what you want. It is not what I want but I am willing to respect this decision.” Chances are he will back out.