Hi. My question is for the wonderful women I have seen on this forum but I would welcome comments from men as well. I have other threads going that offer all the gory details of my situation so I will offer only a brief background before I get to my question and apologise for my brevity.

Six weeks ago my wife of ten years revealed to me that she had been having a sexual and emotional affair for the past two years and that our six month old son was her lover's child, not mine. She said that she had broken off the affair and asked me for a chance to save our marriage. I agreed and have since been agressively pursuing plan A.

My wife and I have never had a normal emotional or sexual relationship. She has a wall between her emotional self and the rest of the world. Her attitude towards sex was let's do it and get it over with. Once she achieved orgasm SHE was the one who rolled over and went to sleep. There was never any foreplay or cuddling afterwards and I began avoiding sex some years ago because it had become a chore, not pleasure. That was fine with her.

About three weeks ago as a result of marriage counseling my wife brought up a memory she had repressed for 25 years of being repeatedly raped over a period of time by her uncle when she was about 10 years old. She has an earlier formless memory of being raped from behind by another man whose face she cannot see when she was about eight. During counseling she admitted that before her lover she had never been sexually attracted to me or ANY man and that she even hated to be touched at all. She stated that she had never liked sex and did indeed want to get it over with as quickly as possible. I had always sensed this since you can tell when a caress or hug is unwanted but of course I never knew why.

My wife said that her affair taught her that she liked sex and has admitted that she misses her lover sexually. During the past six weeks while implementing plan A I have tried hard to show my wife that I still desired her sexually. My touches have been limited to intimate and even sensual but I have not pushed the sex issue. I have seen some positive signs such as her seeking physical contact with me where she never did so before. On one occasion she even invited me into the shower to wash her back. When I told her that I was resisting the impulse to rub up against her she asked me what was holding me back.

Now for the questions. Last night we tried to make love and it was a bust. After only a few moments she told me that she just couldn't and asked me to please not be mad. I let her know that I wasn't mad and tried to hide my disappointment. I backed off and told her that she didn't have to be sorry and held her in my arms until she fell asleep. Then I got up and cried.

Ladies, is it possible to MAKE yourself sexually attracted to someone? I have followed the policy of Radical Honesty and told my wife in therapy that while I was unsure of her own reasons for remaining in the marriage I was clear on why I did. I have told her that if I became convinced that we could not have a loving, intimate, sexual, man/woman relationship that I would not remain in the marriage. I will not settle for anything less. My fear now is that she is merely trying to provide me with the things I said I needed without any real desire on her part. This is fundamentally dishonest and really doesn't fulfill my need. I am experienced enough to tell the difference between submission and real desire.

Am I rushing things? Am I fooling myself that she will ever see me as a sexually desirable man? Can you be attracted to someone to whom you've been married for ten years but never felt sexually drawn? I am not disregarding the rape issues but I also have to consider the fact that I just don't do it for her. Should I continue to send her sexual invitations or back off? I am repulsed by the notion of continually coming on to a woman who isn't interested in me. I'd really like to hear from anyone who has gone through similar situations. This is virgin territory for me and I don't know what to think.

campdog,

I'm a woman but as clueless as you about most of this, but I think she really needs to see a counselor who is experienced with dealing with sexual abuse. I suspect that she learned that sex is something bad, so she was most interested in it with someone inappropriate.

Dobie

campdog,

IMHO she can become sexually attracted to you even if she hasn't been in the past. It will take a lot of time and patience, and a lot of Plan A on your part, but I believe that it can come.

I agree with Dobie that a lot of counselling will be required.

My only suggestion: don't pressure her.

Cat

Hey campdog,



It's not necessarily you. I know it's hard not to take it personally but right now you probably don't do it for her. It's her. She's got some serious issues. Sexually abuse is a serious, life changing thing. It doesn't just go away. It sounds like the event was tramatic enough (obviously) that your W blocked it out for years. Not uncommon. You didn't mention if she was in any kind of counseling. This is necesarry for her to work through her past abuse and try to find a new way to deal with it and life. Everything changes when you are violated like that and it sounds like her's were very violent events. Poor thing.

Even if she blocked it out, it has had a tremendous affect on who she is. Fortunetaly for her she has an H who loves her and I hope you are willing to be her support as she works through this, if she chooses too. If she doesn't then I am afraid you have a very rough road ahead of you.

She did find through the OM that sex was actually something she enjoyed. That must hurt incredibly. Just a guess but one reason could be the intimacy factor. OM was sex. You mean something, there's a bigger risk there.

OM can't offer her what you can. Safety, love, support and understanding. That goes way beyond an orgasm. That is what will help her while she deals with her past.

I do hope you W gets some IC. Maybe find a rape support group in your area. Sadly she isn't alone but there is alot of help. She can work through this and find ways to cope and not let it ruin her life.

Symphony

campdog, women become sexually aroused by emotional intimacy. We feel sexual towards people we feel close to. In my case, for example, in order for me to feel sexually attracted to a man, I must respect and admire him.

I would suggest getting the book His Needs/Her Needs and finding out her top needs. Both of you could take the emotional needs questionaire on this website to give you an idea of what your EN's are.

First I do think you should both get counseling with someone who is practiced in sexual issues.

I was sexually molested as a young child and later traumatically gang-raped as a pre-teen.

I can tell you there are a lot of sexual issues that stay with you after these events. First if the molester is an inappropriate member of the family (mine was my older sister's new husband) it creates a tremendous sense of guilt for the child, and the child is threatened that bad things will happen if it's not kept secret, and the adult is usually someone who has been trusted.

I suppressed the rape memory for many years until someone bragged about it and it got back to me. Remembering was extremely traumatic.

It's true there was a time in my own long-term marriage when my husband repulsed me sexually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But I was able to find a way back to finding him the hottest stud on the planet again, so there's hope.

I had had a miscarriage and sex became very painful. He was insensitive and I felt used. After a bit the strain resulted in his premature ejaculations, then later his technique was very counterproductive. Our sex together became very awkward. I suspect this is some of the problem, but you need a therapist who specializes in this for real help, OK?

Another thing, early on in my sexuality I noticed that acts that were similar to the one performed on me I considered very nasty, and they were very much more comfortable if those types of acts were done by someone I didn't emotionally love or care about. Weirdly, I felt my H was too good to do those things. This was especially counterproductive later, because a lot of my later problems may have been helped if I had allowed my husband to spend more time with foreplay to get me relaxed and into the mood.

It was only after I dealt with that, that our sex life finally became deeply satisfying, and that I began to allow myself to be swept away with passion.

I do recommend you read up on foreplay techniques. I have a feeling that her non-threatening lover, someone not on a H's pedestal, was able to use the newness etc to allow her to be swept away. You on the otherhand, now more than over, stir those old guilty sex feelings. Please get help with this difficult problem.

Sex is now the very least of our problems, and I intend to keep it that way. Good luck.

Swords

Campdog,

I am so sorry you and your wife are in this situation.

It appears as though you have gotten some sound advice from the others here.

I would like to reiterate that IC for your wife will be crucial.

A book recommendation: 'Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child' by Laura Davis

Your W's "mixed messages" towards you where sex is concerned sounds like a case of her wanting to know that you do desire her, but when actual sex becomes imminent she becomes guarded and her pain returns.

Try to keep the lines of communication open without pushing, if you can. Perhaps you can offer her the safety of letting her know that you desire her and are still attracted to her without expecting anything from her sexually in return.

Best of luck to you, Campdog

Trust is another big issue for someone who has been sexually abused. There is a great book called The Sexual healing journey it's by Wendy (???) GREAT book. It can really help you understand your wife better

You are at the right place to get some great advice and help your marriage.

Is your wife in counseling for the sexual abuse? I think it would do her great if she goes. There is so much baggage that comes with SA. My husband and I both were SA'd and it took a toll on our marriage. My husband was emotionally distant, didn't know how to express his feelings, couldn't get close to me. At first our marriage was good but there was something missing, I couldn't put my finger on it. Then things started going down hill. Then I found out about my husband's past. Now things made sense. Sex was more a release thing not intimacy, it was so hard because that made the insecurity in me go wild and then my trust issue. We've been working on this for a year in a half and really come so far.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi campdog,

I just wanted to point out 2 things to you(personal opinion),one of which I am glad 10Swords touched on already: Your WW loved and cared for you and associating sex with you as opposed to being raped and the horror and trauma of that perhaps prevented her from sharing that with you.I think it's a very astute observation.Sex to your WW was shameful and full of pain and guilt so when you approached her,the walls were up in full force preventing her from enjoying something intimate,normal and special with you,her husband because in her mind/subconscious and because she was traumatized,it caused her great distress when the issue resurfaced.

The other point is that your WW admitted to the A only 6 WEEKS ago and only 3 WEEKS ago,did she admit to a repressed rape history.My Goodness.It is way to soon to be thinking that anything could be going so smoothly or effectively right now.Please,please give yourselves more time,much more time to handle all of this.Your WW has to contend with SO much and also the fact that something that can be very pleasurable was used in a way to hurt her from some abhorrent people(who deserve the insanity of being locked away in solitary confinement for the rest of their lives IMO).

campdog,IMO,your WW is very confused right now and most likely in withdrawal from OM so please don't expect her to be sexually attracted to you yet.I just don't think it's possible under the present circumstances.In time as you both go through counseling,I think it is most definitely possible but,in time.Like 3 blessings said,keep the lines of communication open.

And keep asking her what feels comfortable with HER.Let HER be in control for awhile.

Good luck!!

O

So terribly sorry to hear of your sad situation. Everyone has been drawn to the sexual aspect of this but I'm curious how this might affect your relationship with your son. Is she sure he isn't yours? Sounds like you have a lot of work to do - I couldn't even begin to offer advice. You must be very confused right now. MB will hopefully help you get some direction. TT

You are all so very kind to reach out to me in this way. As I was reading the posts I found myself wondering if they were by men or women but you know, it really doesn't matter. The advice contained within was good and it seems that there is a consensus. I have no problem waiting for my wife to heal concerning the sex issue. My problem was with whether or not I was wasting my time. As I said I would not want or pursue a platonic relationship with my wife. I am a man and I have no female friends to ask about the mysteries of female sexuality. Prior to this I have only dealt with women who DID desire me sexually and I have no idea if a lack of sexual attraction can be turned around. I guess there are no answers at this point. Considering the enormity of the other issues raised by the affair and her early rapes sex is and should be low down on the list of priorities. I have the patience I hope to wait for my wife to come around assuming such a thing is possible. I just don't want to base my hopes for working out our relationship on false assumptions. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I pray to God every day to help me continue.

Tuck, I almost forgot you. My wife and I had sex one time in the last five years. She has been having regular sex with her lover for the past two years. Two weeks after our session she told me she was pregnant. The baby looks nothing like me or our first son who is nine. She tells me he has his father's mouth and forehead.

Campdog,
I am a woman and I have personal experience in this matter, however it was my husband that cheated on me. I will try to help you out here if possible.
I was a victim of sexual abuse/rape in my childhood. My husband of 17 years has just learned about this after I found out about his affairs.
I cannot speak for your wife, but I also have never been sexually attracted to any man. After repeated rape encounters from different people you learn to shut off an entire parts of yourself. Sex and the opposite sex becomes dirty, repulsive at times, and terrifying at times also.
It is something you are able to do with your spouse to please them, and you may sometimes even think you are into it, then the memories come flooding back about what happened to you, even with your spouse. Your wife may have been able to shut them out for a while, only to have them come back again. Just being touched sometimes will send chills down your spine. I have never been a touchy feely kind of person. I have always required my space as an adult. When people, even my husband at times, get into my space I panic.
Trust is also a big issue. You learn early in life that trust is something to fear. There is no one to trust, because even your blood relatives are the ones that have hurt you so deeply. So to trust someone is to open up that can of worms all over again.
Victims of sexual abuse also feel that it was all thier fault. They some how were to blame for an adult having thier way with a 9 year old. Sounds stupid, but that is what the mind plays on you.
Back to part of your story. Where you were warming up together, she may have had a flash back and just could not follow through with the sex. Have you been able to talk to her about the abuse? Has she told you any details? I ask this because certian things definately set me off. My hardest thing is that my husband looks a little like my step father. I cannot be in close quarters, held down, etc. These are things that you will need to know along with the other stuff from the MB site. You are not only dealing with the A, you are also dealing with a person who has spent an entire lifetime putting up walls to deal with trauma.
Like the other posts above, you need to show your wife the emotional love as much as possible.
Like 10swords stated above, you both should get some help with therapists if she is able to go there with you or the therapist. It sounds like your wife may have more on her plate than she may be able to deal with. And you will have a hard road ahead, but it will be worth it. Just dont put all your eggs in the proverbial basket, dont set the whole marriage on sex and her reactions right now to it. Be her best friend first and foremost.
I hope this helped you a little.