I really did it. I had my first real "date" in 20 years!

I'm both excited, and a little disheartened. Of the three guys I've emailed, it was actually the one who I hadn't yet talked to on the phone who I ended up seeing first. We met tonight at Barnes & Noble, supposedly for a quick little "low key" coffee thing. I got there at 7:30--and I finally had to be the one to break it up at 10:30.

Dang, his picture doesn't do him justice on match.com! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> What awesome brown eyes! On the other hand, his profile doesn't explain his whole situation.

He says he has strong Christian beliefs, and from the discussion we had, I do believe he does. And he seemed very honest. But then there's that part about he's been married 2 times (one child from each marriage), and neither of them ended due to infidelity. The first one, I'm not really quite sure what happened other than they just couldn't get along. The second wife, granted, sounded a little wacko--I guess he found out after they were married that she was regularly seeing a therapist for borderline personality disorder and that she was rather narcissistic. Sounded like that one had some major rollercoasters in it, she'd leave, and she'd come back. They did counseling for a while together, then she kicked him out, then she served him with a restraining order, then she passed a message through their pastor that she loved him. So he called her, told her he loved her, and she called the cops because he violated the restraining order. Very strange. He doesn't have fond words for her. But neither marriage lasted much over 5 years.

And unfortunately, taking this one very far would violate my beliefs that I need to find someone who is either widowed, never married, or because their marriage ended due to a spouses unrepentent infidelity.

Anyway, on the surface, it was a fairly fun meeting. He was good eye-candy! (Did I mention his eyes!?!) And yes, I could probably enjoy going to dinner with him. He is intelligent, well spoken, but very casual and down-to-earth. He asked me if I enjoyed dancing. I think I was a little disappointing when I said I hadn't done it since the early 90's (not going to admit to what I do around my house with the stereo cranked when the kids are away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

I just think based on the vibes and a couple looks I got that he's not going to be in that .00001% of society who believes that it's okay to wait until marriage for sex. He was very polite, other than an arm touch when he was buying my coffee. He didn't try to hug or kiss me or anything when we left. He did ask if it was okay to call me again. I said yes.

I'm just afraid of myself sometimes. I know I have a boundary issue, and I let myself get sucked into things I later regret. What if I screw up and end up beginning to really like him? I don't want to get sucked into romantic stupidity with someone who is not the right person! I just would like him as a friend to maybe go do things with (and gaze across the table at).

I really need to go out with guys I have no physical attraction to, so that I can think straighter. I think that would be Guy #2 who I'm supposed to see Sunday evening, if I come up with a meeting place. He left that part to me...he set the time.

Sorry about rambling. I needed to vent. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and a little over-caffienated between all the coffee and Mt. Dew this morning to get rid of the headache, and then the caramel latte at the store tonight.

Ugh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LL, my advice, at least at this time, is to trust your instincts. Fortunately, you know you have boundary issues, and that you can't entirely trust yourself. That will help keep you on an even keel if you let it.

Something about this guy doesn't sit quite right with you, and from what you've said I think you're right to be uneasy about him.

Go slowly, please.

Good to hear you survived it...

In my opinion..dont take the guy with 2 failed marriages...just my view...it does not sound good...

Follow the advice given...go slow...and date the other two...dont forget to update us...i am dying to know if the next guy got better eyes...LOL

Take care LL

Good for you! And you had a good evening even if he's not exactly right.

I too have a problem with a man being divorced twice. But, I also don't like to pre set standards with a long list of "couldn't possibly" without knowing the full story.

I understand completely how much harder it is when you feel an instant physical attraction. It clouds your judgement & allows for the red flags to be waving ever so slightly in the far distance.

It sounds like you're aware of the short comings & that maybe this guy should only be a friend you could see on occasion for some companionship. If you can handle that, just spending more time with him & getting to know him better will show you who he truly is. Maybe you'll see exactly why he's been divorced twice & that it's not just the ex's faults. Even if you know it in your head seeing for yourself is one sure way to make him less attractive.

First, I'll guarantee neither of the other two it looks like I'm going to see will be able to beat the eyes. I have a weakness for warm brown eyes (not the really piercing dark ones). The other two, I believe, have blue.

And I think it was the physical attraction that made the flags wave even stronger than they otherwise would have. I watched my husband of 19 years totally lose all sense of reason over his infatuation with the OW (not that it was physical attraction at first, but more of being wanted by a younger woman). Anyway, I don't ever, EVER want to do something that stupid!! (And I have the checkered past, too, though it had nothing to do with physical attraction and everything with getting too close to someone of the opposite sex as a friend during periods of hell in my marriage.)

So, yes, if this guy calls I will consider going out again. My goal right now is to meet some people with whom I can socialize and get out a little with.

I think I'm just really scared of this whole dating thing.

(Although having survived the first one, I'm slightly less apprehensive now about going out on Sunday with Guy #2. I've suggested drinks/appetizers at Chili's, since he left me to decide "where"--I'm going to log in in a second and see if he's responded with an okay or not).

Zizzy,

Long time since I've heard from you! Thanks for responding. And yes, the two failed marriage thing--that's a huge deal for me. I don't ever, ever, EVER want to get married and have another one end. And I have no intentions of believing that the failures were all the fault of the wives.

Keep coming here to keep you in "right thinking". I know the great people would do that. I've been a lurker for many many years LOL.

Have you written down your thoughts on a mate? What characteristics you want,etc?

Believe it or not you can read And the Bride wore white by Danah Gresh. It's a book for teenagers and purity but it goes into depth about thinking about the type of husband you want etc. I know it really got me thinking, I wish that book was around when I was younger!

When my xh and I weren't together anymore (due to infidelity on his part) One thing I wanted was a man that didn't have any children or been married. I felt bad at first but honestly it worked out for the best. So stick to your guns <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to offer a few thoughts. LL, you're doing great. Caution is good as long as it doesn't hamper enthusiasm. It's easy to "caution" ourselves into finding enough fault in each person to never commit again.

Also on the two-marriage thing. I formerly thought exactly the same. Divorce #1 was due to infidelity on wife's part due to low self-esteem and my immature inability to help bring her out of that. We were young, perhaps a bit prideful, and I knew nothing about MB. We are excellent friends now and she often says I'm 'the one that got away'. Divorce #2 involved infidelity with a former "good" family-friend who says & does whatever it takes to "close the deal" without boundaries for his personal-agendas; all under the guise of a Christian. I recently found out that he's been doing this for most of his 31 year marriage with several "victims" leaving a trail of broken families. XW divorced me to be with him because they "will be married within 30 days". 7-months later and he remains married, XW lives in seclusion, waiting for him to 'visit' whenever he can sneak away from his wife and her former friend. XW is 42 and has her Mother do her grocery shopping so no one she knows will see her. It's a tragic mess. My lesson: It takes 2 to marry and only 1 to divorce, particularly in a no-fault state. So please be careful of the criticism of twice-divorced men. There are exceptions. And let me offer this. What is the difference between a man who will not marry (commitment avoider) but will live with and/or have sex with a woman for years & years, then breaks up, and a man who puts full commitment into his marriage only to be blown away when XW chooses to divorce. The single man does not have a "divorce-count" against him because he never made "the commitment" and in some eyes is considered more "noble" than the man who married (committed) then sacrificed everything in order to try and save his marriage.

JMHO and experience!

FR

Hey LL,
I agree with Fishracer - but also say, Bravo to you for taking the risk and going for it! You've come a long way, baby!

Here's a thought for you. This has worked for me in the past, and I'll probably use it again. There are red flags, and then there are BLOOD red flags. The serious ones - I'd be outta there. But those that are more cautionary, I would give a guy the benefit of the doubt and go out with him at least one more time if I liked other things.

If it really bothered me, I would find a way to question him a bit more. It's possible what you are dealing with is a good thing: maybe he doesn't want to badmouth his X's, or maybe (like the advice we've been throwing around here) he's just trying to avoid talking too much about his past.

But, I also agree with the advice about trusting your intuition. You'll do the right thing - your radar is up and working!

Good on ya!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't ever settle!

You're on your way to having fun and POSSIBLY meeting a GOOD man worthy and deserving of you.

WNB

LL,

Why not ask him what he learned during his two marriages, what he felt his part was in the break up, and what he has done to grow and heal from those experiences?

His answers to those questions are most telling about his character.

HTH,

T

I find that I'm more hesitant about someone whose never been married when they're around my age (50). I want to be married again. I want to eventually be someone's wife, again. Not just "significant others", or "life companions", or.......... If someone has not been able to commit to a marriage by the time they're in my age category, I have my doubts about their capacity for that type of commitment. They can say it's because they never found the "right" woman....but often they never find the "right" woman because subconciously they don't really want a marital commitment. I believe that there are always exceptions in any given cirmcumstances.

I've been divorced twice. I don't like sharing that with a relatively unknown person, but I feel that they have the right to know this up front. It can make a difference for many people. I want to know it about them. Not as a total rule out. I, too, will ask a person about what they learned from their marriage(s)...what they saw as possibly their part in it...what they did to heal. When I come across someone whose still bitter and angry and totally blaming the ex-spouse, I feel that they're not ready to date (at least not date me!), or that they really have no insight and accept no responsibility for their marital relationship. RUN!

I recognize that I have a personal issue about men with daughters. My best friend struggles with this too! I'm not at all proud of it, but I find myself feeling like I'm competing for attention/affection from my husband/their dad. More so than with sons. The daughters have every right, and even greater rights than me, to have their dad's attention. I would think less of him if he didn't give them support and attention. But, I have seen a tendency for some dads to let their daughters wrap them around their little fingers, whine and manipulate, more so than sons. I realize this is an overgeneralization. I'm pretty sure about where my feelings come from. But, I do myself and anyone involved with me a dis-service if I try to deny it or act like it doesn't matter to me. I won't automatically rule out a man with daughters, but I will think more carefully about having contact. For everyone's best interests...especially the innocent children.

And then there are those days that I think I should NEVER consider marrying again because of my track record! I just haven't figured out if "three strikes and you're out!", or "the third time's the charm!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Dating Dilemma #2: Guy I am supposed to meet tonight at 6:30 hasn't responded back since I emailed him very late Friday night with the place we were to meet (he set the time, left me to pick where).

I know he was going out of town to see his family today--maybe he was gone yesterday as well? Since I've not met him, I'm not terribly hurt if I get stood up. Problem is, do I go to this place at 6:30 and stand there waiting for a while, assuming he got my message? Or do I not go if I don't hear a confirmation from him? I have his cell #--but he also has mine, so I'm not calling.

What does one do while waiting so as not to look stupid, especially if they end up waiting for 15 minutes and then no one shows? I hate looking/feeling awkward!

LL

If he doesn't show, get a table and get yourself something to eat. That way you can also get to know yourself a little better.

I agree with some of the others, don't toss him out just because he's been married twice before, find out what he's learned from those experiences, how has he grown?

You can even share things you've found out about yourself, how you have changed, and things you learned that you did wrong, and what you would do differently the next time.

Congrats on returning to the dating game. Im glad your first date worked out..but...

Trust your instincts. Find someone else for your second date. Just my opinion. The 2 marriage thing doesnt sound good.

I met some good dates on Match, but in the end it was God who found my perfect match, not the computer.

Use Match for good dating experience,but dont get your hopes up. I initially signed on just to get the experience of chatting and flirting with a guy, something I hadnt done for 28 years.

I did find that alot of the met I met or chatted with were not truthful in regards to their past relationships. Please be careful in this area.

smiles,
Dawn

LL

So, what about the date tonight?

cm

Date #2: It did take place. He just hadn't had a chance to call me--no cell service where he was all weekend. He called me about an hour before we were to meet. So I guess I got worried for nothing--I wasn't stood up.

Not the cute eyes of guy #1 (and just not as cute in general, but not homely either). Honestly, these guys both really need help deciding which photo to post on Match. They both look much better in person.

Okay, his issue is one I won't compromise on. He does not share my beliefs. We sort of skirted the "faith" issue, but I know enough to know where he stands. And I won't get involved with someone who doesn't share my beliefs.

As for why he's divorced, he dated her for 5 years, was married for 2, they moved here to the metro area where she became a sports assistant of some kind at the university in town. She'd apparently not dated much before him, and when she got involved in the sports/traveling with the athletes and stuff, she ended up being unfaithful and apparently dating several over the course of time. They tried counseling, but apparently she wasn't ready to settle down. He said he's not angry at her and hopes she finds happiness, but said he found giving up on their marriage very difficult.

He is very low-key and laid back over all. Funny, and rather a prankster. He's also very atheletic, something I'm not, and something he says he's going to motivate me to do it because I'll feel better. (Yeah, we'll see...I'm I have great intentions, but I'm a creature of habit).

And in today's age of wacko's and dating, what I did tonight was very dumb for a date with someone I don't even know. We left Chilis after our appetizers and headed to a place we both know of to get some coffee, but didn't realize it closes earlier on Sunday nights. So...it was a beautiful night, and were near the bike paths that lead all over this side of town, and he said "Let's go on a walk". It was dusk when we started, and after 10pm when we got back. We probably walked a mile or so on a mostly deserted path through the trees, stopped and looked at a creek along the path and how the moonlight was making the trees reflect, watched lightning bugs, talked about camping and how pretty it is out, stopped by a softball field and watched abot 10 minutes of some adult league's error-ridden game, and walked back. Then we sat down by our cars and proceeded to chat until just a little while ago (it's now midnight).

Honestly, that is NOT something I would do with most people. I wouldn't have done with with Guy #1--I didn't even let him know where I parked at Barnes & Noble. But my gut feeling after this guy spilling a good share of his life story, his goals, and what he does and where he works to me over appetizers was that it would be okay.

In all honesty, he seems quite fun. If I can make it VERY clear that I am not up for a serious relationship with anyone right now (and I mentioned that again tonight, and threw in that I had met some other's too), AND that I'm not looking to be anyone's squeeze, I could genuinely enjoy doing stuff with him. He's very competitive and driven--has a lot of energy. After teaching math, switching to the tech position, and then adding part-time teaching, he is now finishing his graduate degree and is looking to be a school principal in a year. I think he would be good motivater for me to get me involved in things.

So, overall I'd consider this one a success.

-----------------------------------------------------------
But then I came home and talked to my daughter, and things sort of took a minor nosedive...

I've shared on here that sometimes I feel like I should have waited, like forever if necessary, for God to work in my XH's heart. I have pretty much moved past that, or so I thought, and then DD spent the evening with him tonight and filled me in again.

OW was showing her pictures of wedding dresses in a magazine, so I can only assume that a wedding may be in the planning stages. Okay, that would make things easier for me.

But...she said XH told her he often thinks of the past, when we were all together. She said "he thinks a lot about you, Mom."

So am I supposed to be waiting? In visiting with Guy #2 tonight, I was talking about how peaceful my life is now, and how I never realized what this could be like. I don't want to ever be in a relationship like what I was in before, not with XH, and not with anyone else.

My mind/logic tells me I did the right thing, and that I need to move on and stop worrying abou XH and what he does with his life. But my heart says "what if I'm screwing up his life by forging ahead and not giving God longer to work?"

I'm all confused now. Good night marred a bit by confusing, most-likely-irrational thoughts.

I should analyze less...

LL

I am glad your 2nd date went ok.

I think you like 2nd date better than 1st date but i agree that dont compromise on the faith issue. It is wise to have the same values.

Keep on dating and keep your options open...dont do like i did...i fell for the 1st guy i meet up for coffee...hahaha...he had all the qualities i was looking for...it was almost impossible to say no...

Dont worry too much about your confusion...its natural.

You will realise that everything is okay when the time comes.

On saturday...stbx sent me a thank you text message for the father's day card that i helped daughter to buy...that message stirred up deep feelings inside which i thought was done and gone...i felt so guilty about these feelings and even comtemplating to end my current relationship with op so to make things right...but 10 minutes later op send me a loving text message and the feelings i felt because of that message was so up lifting...it brightened something inside my heart...pure happiness and peace...there and then i knew who i loved more and the difference between the two feelings...

You will know the difference when the time comes...dont analyse too much...

How do you know this is not what GOD wants you to do? GOD has his own plans and time...so just relax...go with the flow and enjoy your dating...

Take care

At what point does dating multiple people at the same time just become plain WRONG? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm in over my head. I've never been good at being organized, so this is really putting my abilities to the test.

In addition to agreeing to 2nd dates with both Guy #2 and Guy #3 (and supposedly meeting Guy #1, whom I haven't met yet) for lunch tomorrow if he decides where...

I did send the thank-you note to the WAY-TOO-YOUNG carpet guy, along with my payments. I offered to buy him coffee or a quick bite somewhere as a thank-you for all his effort, and said "and if you're not interested, just know I really appreciated all the personal attention".

Sent it last week...hadn't heard, so figured that was all final. He left a message on my cell today thanking me for the note, telling me that it was what makes him enjoy his job, and said he'd love to meet me for dinner or something.

Now just what the heck have I gotten myself into???

Oh, and there's another guy who I've been emailing (let's call him Guy #4, or is that the carpet guy...maybe he's Guy #5). Nothing for looks based on his profile, but honestly might be someone I could be interested in something with. He's never heard of MB, but I'd swear from his emails that he has.

We were both separated at almost the same time, our DV were both final in Nov '04. He was married just a few months over 20 years; I missed my 20th by 2 months. He has 2 teen boys--they live with him (thought they sound PERFECT, something mine aren't--they're going for their Eagle Scout designation, they work, etc).

And the latest...I asked him to elaborate on what happened with his marriage. His wife left him. He waited and tried everything to save it...but she's now living with the OM. He admits that while it was his wife who had the affair, he was partly to blame for the marriage breakdown, and says he's been praying that God will show him how to be a better husband, should he have the chance again. So I wrote back and said, "you'll never guess what happened with mine."

He has very strong Christian beliefs, goes camping with his adult Sunday school class, is a scout leader, and is a financial aid administrator at a Christian college. And he's a talker--his emails to me have been longer than mine to him (you guys all know how hard it is to out-write me!).

The problem: He's 150 miles to the north of me!! My guess, as involved as he and his kids are in everything, is that he has no intention of moving. And the only thing in addition to compromising my Christian beliefs that I won't do is MOVE! Change houses, maybe. Move out of the area--no.

So, that's that. We'll see what materializes. He's very non-pushy. He said once we're up to exchanging cell #'s, he'd like to maybe meet me for coffee or soda. But we're not there yet. So we'll just keep writing long emails.

This is not nearly as simple as it all seemed in the beginning.

LL

I think it's called a "happiness problem" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The guy who lives 150 miles north of you? Send him up here! (just kidding!)

You GO, girl!

hmmmmm..... 3? Tough problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Bless your heart....

<giggle>

It's OK hun. Take your time. You'll figure this out - or they'll figure themselves out for you. You're doin great!