Tama, when you say "doesn't go there" do you mean "won't" go there, or "can't" get there? If he "won't" (as in, refuses), I'm not sure what to tell you. The whole idea of leading a stallion to, um, water, and having him refusing to "drink" is hard for me to imagine, since they're more likely to be found wallowing in the pool whether there's water or not. (And likely praying for rain, as well.) If it's because he can't (and you don't have to tell anybody which it is), then a complete physical from a doctor is in order, since there are ever so many physiological reasons why, even when the spirit is willing, the flesh may be weak. A doctor might be able to help you find out why, and what is necessary to fix it. I know most men don't like to go to the doctor for any reason, so you'll have a hard enough time regardless. Just don't tell him you want to take him there to get "fixed." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck.

t&l

Thanks t&l

Nope, lets just say the flesh gets wasted many many times due to lack of spirit.

I've even straddled his lap, while he was sitting on the couch - hard to misunderstand which is willing and unwilling - but wih a smile and figuritive kiss on the forehead and pat on the head, he shifted me away. Very smoothly done, not mean in anyway. But left me feeling about as desirable as a swim in freezing water.

There's probably not anything anyone can tell me. He doesn't even know why he does this. Its a continuous cycle with a wonderful break in it from time to time.

Just very confusing and frustrating. *sigh* Maybe someday...

Tama--I don't know any details about your situation, so the chance that I'm way off base is excellent, but using the whole horse-to-water-to-drink metaphor, I have to wonder this: Is he possibly "drinking" from another pond, and so not really "thirsty" with you? If you're sure that's not the case, then my next guess would be that there are some psychological/personal issues involved that he needs to deal with through professional help...maybe with you, maybe without. Depends on the nature of the issues. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> But it doesn't sound to me like he's going to resolve them on his own.

t&l

P.S. There are plenty of husbands in the world who would LOVE to be so lucky as to have a wife like you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep, I wish you were here with me on the front porch, eating peppered shrimp out of the pot and gabbing away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

While I do like to boog-a-loo, I guess I was thinking that if Phil was at all intimidated and wanted to do go slow BUT didn't let me know, then how would I know??

And if I asked and he didn't say then I still wouldn't know?

And then of course there's the he already knows I like to boog-a-loo so if we're doing something quiet is he thinking all I still really want is the boog-a-loo and so on and so on and so on...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

But in this sense, STW helped clarify the picture in my head enough to keep me straight.

And Tama, I'm going to go back through your post because something is sounding a little too familiar to me! I think I might actually be able to help out with this, but let me re-read first OK?

Sally

Tama for a long time my Wh was not interest in me. So I just stopped. I bought alot of sexy underwear ect. He saw them. I got a pedicure, hair, waxings ect. Started looking so good with the diet I was on. He still didn't notice. Until one day it was a hot Sunday and we had been drinking and listening to music at a resteraunt on the gulf. Friends came in a we all were feeling just fine. The male single men started joking and hitting on me playfully. You know - they know I'm M so it was in fun. WH stood back and it felt great to feel sexy again. I was laughing with them. It was a great ego boost. He started to change after that day. He started to notice me. When I dropped another size and became skinnier someone asked him what was wrong -did I have cancer or something? Then he really noticed. Weird it took that to kinda shock him out of his absorbtion he was in. He payed alot more attention by then I did not care. So he started to persue me.

***big sigh***

I really don't believe there is any possibility of his quenching his thirst anywhere else. I was a BS with my XH and R was a BS with his XW.

As far as psychological....honestly don't know...possible. The only thing that makes me doubt this possibility, though, is that in the beginning, he couldn't get enough! When he was away from me, he called twice a day and always initiated phone sex. He wrote me letters constantly and some of them were really romantic and made my heart melt, but some of them WHEW!! Turned me right into a puddle of flaming goo! And when we were together, he had to be near me touching me in some way, and couldn't wait to get me alone - to finish what he started.

I don't know, maybe he just burned out on sex with me. That's about the only thing I can think of now. I've asked him point blank questions about all this (not demanding, just curious) asked him if there is anything I might not be doing that he would like me to do, or something I'm doing that might be a turn off. He gave me several suggestions of things he would like - I've done each and every one of them. A couple of them worked once...the rest didn't even get past his initial physical response.



Thank you for saying this. But considering I wasn't enough for H #1 and now H #2 isn't too interested....starting to feel I just don't have "it" whatever it is.

Tama

Tama!

Yep, OK, been there. I read through all of your posts - MAN you write as much as I do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A lot of it was very similar to what I would have said 9 months ago. And quite honestly, if someone had been able to give me some straight talk I don't think Phil and I would be in the mess we're in today.

My first bit of advice is to STOP initiating ANY sexual contact ASAP. He probably thinks of it as a MAJOR Love Buster. You're probably getting more and more dejected every time he rejects you... So stop. It's really not about you or how desirable you are as a woman.

And if we take your H at his word, he loves you, his needs aren't being met anywhere else and so on, let's just go straight to what I've discovered as the #1 sexual interest killer -- he's pissed off at you for some or a hundred different reasons and he is suppressing all of that anger and it's killing his desire to have sex with you.

He probably feels very much like HE is the wounded person in all of this, so it's important for you to consider that maybe he actually IS, but he can't articulate any of it. He might only know he is unhappy with certain things and be afraid to talk about them and risk making them worse...

I would also offer a word of caution regarding independent counseling. In my case, it not only was not good for me personally, it harmed my relationship with Phil and Phil felt harmed indirectly too - he was able to talk about it AFTER he left me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You and your H need to go to counseling together. The way to get him there is probably to make it about helping you "get better".

The doing the dishes freak out you had was eerily similar to something that happened with me and Phil.

He wouldn't have been able to say that he was testing me or that he was trying to assert himself then, but he would say those things now if asked. When Phil wanted to do the dishes it was because he wanted to do something productive on HIS terms, his own way and without me there to help, contribute, oversee or worst of all, offer my opinion - about anything.

The best thing I can say is this is SO fixable! The sex situation -- fixable. The hardest thing for you to do now will be to do some big turn-arounds in your behavior based on what you are able to identify as your H's LBs. He might have many needs that he still isn't able to communicate to you because he doesn't recognize them himself!

Any thoughts?

Sally

OK, that does it! This thread is officially opened up to the men we ALL know are lurking around here reading it anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You guys need to help Tama out, especially Lemonman (if he can quit squirming in his chair) and SleeplessinSeattle (once he turns off the cold water and gets out of the shower)! What would make a guy act like this? Tell us what you think. Make a wild guess. Take a shot in the dark. Rationalizing the reasoning here appears to be beyond the female imagination, at any rate.

If Neak wants to re-segregate her thread when she gets back online, so be it, but right now Tama needs help, and it doesn't seem to be girl-help that she needs. Any of you guys up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> to the task?

t&l

Sally



I would appreciate any insight you might have!

realtor

My H has admitted he gets wrapped up in other things and just doesn't "think" about it. lol So, I thought maybe I could get his attention somehow. Bought several different sexy lingere, lost weight, bought some flattering out of bedroom clothes, got 2 new hairstyles (if you know what I mean). I even set several different "stages" - romantic, candle lit dinner, with me serving him in one of my new negleges, giving him back/foot rub, offering full massage (never been too interested in that??) tried soft music, "heat em up" music, no music, candles, no candles, jump his bones, subletly seductive, whispering sweet nothings, being quite verbally "dirty", play hard to get, show no interest at all.

I just don't think he's interested to be quite honest. When he is I'm in heaven, but its so few and far between and absolutely NOTHING in between times. Sometimes I wonder if the times he does show an interest is just because as a man, he can't go without forever and it doesn't really have much to do with me.

Tama,
Can't offer much insight, just sympathy. My H and I are strictly once per monthers (or less), with precious little affection/intimacy in between. I am getting to the point where I am uninterested myself, because I just feel sad when "the time has come". I have never said no, but I was sooo tempted to do so the last time. I don't even initiate any more because I feel terribly undesirable to him. I know I need to, but the neglect has really taken a chunk out of my self-esteem.

Sally

Its funny that you bring alot of this up. I have actually felt there is something bothering my H and has been for quite awhile. But he's a closed book. All he tells me (and this is no exaggeration, I swear!), is that I meet all his needs, he things I'm the most wonderful woman, wife and mother in the world that there is nothing I have ever done/not done or could do/not do that would change his mind. But so often, his actions don't back up his words. It gets VERY confusing.

As far as IC, I feel like that is something I do need to do right now. I need to learn to handle all the emotions I've been burying for so many years. The "freak outs" are definitely not a way to endear my H to me. The C does also do MC, and I'm hoping, once I get "me" straightened out, he might be more open to it.

And actually, in every way except SF, my H and I have been closer since my first session. He seems happy that I'm going. Maybe that's the underlying "thing" maybe he thought I needed help, but was afraid to tell me. I'm guessing here cause all I have to go on is trying to decipher the reality between his words and his actions, since he won't be O & H with me.

I want to do the big turn arounds. I know I have alot I need to fix about me - I'm a mess. I just wish he would give me some clue as to what he thinks or feels. And he'll admit he's not o &h with me. But that's where it ends.

As far as initiating, I haven't done that in quite a while. I was just mentioning things I have tried in the past. But it had been suggested to me to back off and let him come to me. So I don't even bring it up. The really hard part here is when he flirts and jokes and touches me in intimate ways and says things like "when I get you home" or "when the kids are in bed" and then the end of these statements never come to pass. Makes me feel like he's the tease and I'm the one left with the uncomfortable feeling of being left cold. Its more than just rejection, its like a slap in the face.

t&l

Oh, I didn't mean to TJ neak's thread!! It was just a topic that I've been struggling with and thought I might get some helpful advice suggestions.

I appreciate you trying to help me, but I really think the world of neak, and don't want to send her thread off course.


(sorry neak!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

shelly

You have my sympathies as well. Its not a good feeling. In M you're supposed to be a team, cohorts, best friends, lovers and companions.

When part of it is missing, its hard to be able to fully bask in the joy of the parts that are there.

Sad thing for me is I love my H dearly, and I find him VERY good looking and sexy (I put his pic on MB photo thread, isn't he just scrumptious?) but the last few times he's initiated, it was hard for me to stay focused on him, in the back of my mind was "what was different this time, what did I do or not do that made him want me?". This is NOT good. I should be able to just revel in him and I being intimate, not worrying or trying to figure out why its happening, so it might happen more often.

I feel for you if you're where I am. No one - H or W - should be here.

Hugs

Tama

TJ away, Tama! I won't put up the No Trespassing Signs again till you're done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

***cautiously peeks in*****





**walks boldly into the room***

Hey neak!

Thanks but this was supposed to be a fun AND informative thread, and I let my frustrations rule my head in my postings. (I seem to have that problem quite frequently <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

Ever noticed how "off" a horny woman doing without can be?? You just got a glimpse! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tama, this could be a thread all it's own but since it the thread IS about what will seduce a reluctant hubby, -- it seems fair to go over some of the what really WILL turn a hubby off too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One quick Q. re. H saying things like "When I get you home" or "When the kids are in bed..." -- What are your responses - physical, mental, verbal -- the overt and the subjective?

How many times have you responded to those sort of things by shrugging or saying something like "if you want to.." or "we don't have to if you're tired" or sighing or looking away or doing something that communicated that you didn't really believe?

Just curious because i unknowingly did those things... And only learned too late...

Sal

Sally



I think I've cornered the market if anyone ever needs tips!!LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />



My responses are typically "Oh baby oh baby, I'm ready to go are you?" or "Mmmmm...promises promises..." or sometimes just give him "that" look with a wicked grin and very discreetly walk behind him and slide my hand slowly around his back, dipping to his butt, and bringing it back up to his waiste.

But I must admit after this happening, with no SF in the end, SO many times over the last 4yrs of our 5 yr M, there have been times more recently that I have said things like,"I would love that but please don't tease me if you don't mean it." or "honey, I'm all yours, if you really want me" or "don't tease, unless plan to please".



The only times I've said things like this was if I initiated and he said something "yeah, I guess we can" or shrugged and said "why not?"

I felt like he felt obligated or something, so I needed to let him off the hook. Plus, his reaction pretty put a screeching halt to my desire and I didn't want to be the tease, so I left it to him to decide if he really wanted it or not.



I did do these things with my XH, who had an insatiatable 24/7 appetite. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. But even more than that I'm am sexually attracted to my H in a way I never was with my XH.

I guess maybe its just a cruel joke of fate. The tables have turned. I never was too into SF with my XH, and now that I want it, my H's not too interested in it with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have to start out by saying that I don't have a reluctant H. Unfortunately I tend to be the reluctant one sometimes. However, for those of you who do, here is a suggestion or 2.

Married people can go parking too. That's how our 13 year old S was conceived.

The 2nd one I did yesterday and it drove him crazy. I had on a sundress. I did NOT however have on hose or undies. I just conveniently let him know this and, as we were on a couple of hour drive going somewhere, I reminded on occasion especially when we stopped for fuel or a bathroom break, etc.

Just a couple of thoughts.

I'm precious

IP

Thanks for the thoughts! I've never tried the sun dress au natural. I have tried the parking, but his response is always "why stop on the side of the road, when we have a perfectly comfortable bed at home?"

But one of my best memories is on our way home from our honeymoon. We stopped at a roadside park and had some "fun" in one of the covered picnic areas. We had to be very careful to stay below the short brick wall surrounding it, and in one corner cause it was kind of at a Y with the interstate on oneside and the access road on the other.

Oh and once, I got frisky on the way home, after we'd been dancing and we uh, kind of never made it in the house. We barely made it in our driveway! *blush* I was glad it was so late at night, cause I ended up having to wear his shirt in the house (couldn't find mine).

I have alot of GREAT memories. And I cling to them like some might cling to their favorite romance novel. I'm just afraid that those memories are all I'm going to have. I'm ashamed to say this, but our SF doesn't even come close to be as satisfying as it was in the beginning. As infrequently as it happens, it is still routine, no matter how I try to "spice it up".

But right now, I'd just be happy for more frequency. I feel like I'm in a drought with a smattering of showers from time to time.