Where can I find Johnathans letter. I want my husband to read it

Do you mean Josephs letter? If you do here it is.....


"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Now my husband has told me everything. I am glad he did. But the pain is so unbearable I dont know what do do. How do I let him touch me again. He was intimate with someone else. I want to hug him so bad...but I can't. he betrayed me in the worst possible way. It goes through my mind over and over and over. I cant get it out of my head. he says he feels so bad and he is so sorry. we have been married for 19 years in August. This wasnt supposed to be this way. I feel like I am in this big emotional dream. I dont feel like the hurt will ever go away. His relationship was physical and emotional. I can picture him with her. I cant get it out of my head. How do I go on

See, it is different for me. I DO NOT want to know all of the details. I know it happened and I know it is done. I do not feel the need to know the details and rehash them constantly in my head. I know I would torture myself with it. Have I pictured them together in my mind? YUP. And I don't like it. It does me no good to keep thinking about that stuff so I do not whenever I can prevent it. I feel if I knew all the details I would not be here, I would not want our marriage to work, I would be full of hate and spite. Right now I can see a possibility of us having a marriage again at some point. All I asked my H was if it was true and told him how I felt about it. And how I felt about the OW, etc. But I did not ask the what, where, why, and hows because I do not want to know. Call it protecting myself but that is me. I know there are others out there who need to know everything and that is them. I guess we all have different needs. You will maybe benefit from IC. I am sure a qualified professional can help you cope and move forward. Hugs, mlhb

I recently found out or should say was told by my wife that she had cheated on me with a co-worker who was in town from out of state for a week.My wife is a very sucessful manager in a male dominated industry so she spends a fair amount of time working and socializing dinners drinks etc with male co-workers. My worst fear has always been that this would happen, even when we were dating it was something that always came up for me.She told me saturday December 2nd. I was shocked, hurt and upset beyond belief and was full of questions which just seem to anger her that I had so many questions. I started to keep a journal of my thoughts and feeling because everytime I attempted to talk to her about it it became a arguement. The advice I am looking for is that I am obsessed with the details of the affair, the where(I pretty much know), the when(I know the week of Nov 6-10, but I a tormented by the details that i do not know and that she won't tell me. Specifically I think about the details of the sex,was a condom used, did he climax inside her,did she do things withhim sexually that she doesn or has not done with me in a long time the things that were said, etc. And I am so hurt I can't seem to let them go. She gets so defensive and upset with me when I ask. She told me it was more emotional and then just became sex and thats all it was. My wife told me that she cheated on me with a coworker of hers. The problem is, is that I have been reading a lot on this whole process and one of the things that is not happenening is that she will not stop seeing him on a professional level or stop talking to him because of his role in his job and hers in management. She goes out of state to where he works the same week every month and this is the first week she has been gone since she told me, all i could ask was are you going to see him, when the answer is yes. I want so bad for her to sever all contact with him, and also never maintain any type of personal relationship with him. Apparently he is now enagegd to be married this week she told me it is a long story and she is glad it is over but i want to know the story and the details. Even though she said it is over and it will not happen again i don't trust her and last night she and a bunch of people fromwork went to "dinner" at 6:30pm and didn't call until 1:00am. I am torturing myself with the obsession and all the mental images I have of her with this guy, I am affraid to let myself get close to her and couldn't imagine being physically intimate with her without thinking about what she did with him, how she felt with him etc. Any advise on if you think I should keep pressing for details or just let go of it and focus on what i can change to meet the unfulfilled needs she had that a coworker met for her by sleeping together. I am so hurt and distaught need advice

Welcome to MB.

Search this site for Exposure 101 and Plan A. Those are what you need to focus on now, because the A has to end before any true recovery of your M can start (if that's what you want to do).

That OM's fiancee definitely needs to know what happened. Her husband-to-be is not M-material.

Hurt

i have been lurking her for long time.

But i must say, your WW,(She still is)

Has the most discusting behaviour EVER!!!!

Expose it to her work, OM´s wife to be.And expose to any one that wanna hear..


also put down your foot, down and lay down some ground rule

Or show her the door

I totally agree with Marcus. Hurt and Betrayed: Your wife's behavior is totally unacceptable. She seems to have very little remorse. She continues contact with this OM, refuses to be honest with you and give you information you need to recover; and then goes out late at night with girlfriends while she out of town where she will still have contact with OM. I have to ask you if the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you?

Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Her affair clearly indicates that it was no big deal to her. You always had these fears even when you were dating which says a great deal. I think you really have to consider if this was really her only affair. Her attitude is simply hurtful toward you. I would insist on testing for STD's and marriage counseling and absolutely NO Contact with the OM. I would certainly contact the OM's bride to be. If she refuses to do these things then I would contact an attorney to understand your options. It is clear that she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Apparently there are no consequences to her actions at all. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why would you wish to stay in a marriage with such a spouse. You deserve better.