It’s been a year since I joined Marriage Builders. So much has changed in that time. The marriage I fought for ended. The xW? Engaged to the OM. In fact, they are spending this Father’s day with my kids in Jamaica. Me? I’ve struggled against depression. I’ve lost my job and am weeks from a total financial collapse. The rollercoaster stopped, but the drama continues. The affairs and divorce are so destructive that I could scarcely fathom the impact a year ago.

I have, however, grown to understand a few major lessons I’d like to share:

Stand for your beliefs. Regardless of the consequences you have to look at yourself in the mirror. Stand for your marriage, if you choose. Do not compromise against your values (e.g. ‘allowing’ S to eat cake). Plan A can save many marriages, but Plan B works for your protection.

People around you will change. That supportive neighbor on d-day may become ‘tired’ of your ‘issues’. Your married friends may distance themselves from you so as not to ‘catch’ whatever threatens your union. Family members may suddenly express opinions about you, your spouse or marriage heretofore unmentioned. The reason? People have no idea how profound an A or a Dv can impact a family. Plus must people can’t stand to see those the love in pain. They would want nothing less than to see you move on. When you don’t meet their preconceived timelines they often change their supportive behaviors.

Your transitions and or commitments will be met with skepticism or derision. Your Plan A? ‘You’re letting your S walk all over you.’ Your Plan B? ‘You’re a bitter, sore loser’. Why? More ignorance and fear. Folks fear what they don’t understand and you at MB are so much more committed and knowledgeable about how love and marriage works than most. Prepare to be misunderstood, then keep working on you. Don’t fret it. Do what you feel and know is right for you.

Leave the thing that leaves you. I still love my xW. Very much. She however does not respect me. To respect a thing is to recognize and treat it for its true nature and purpose. She could not see me as a partner a lover or confidant. She therefore could not treat me accordingly. She had to go. I, then, have to let the dream of that partnership go. I (and you) deserve and require that respect from our life partners. I remain open to any relationship that can meet that requirement. To do less is to not respect myself. And who wants someone who can’t respect himself?

Healing is long. Healing is hard. When Steve Harley told me last year that it would take at least two years for me to heal and for my xW’s fog to lift (if ever) I scoffed. No way would I be in pain for two years. Well. I’m not in the agony I was last year, but I still miss my family. I can’t seem to develop any attachments that would lead to a partnership (don’t really want to), and I’m still reeling financially from the divorce. My xW is so deeply ensconced in her “relationship” that she may not leave the fog until her next divorce. Right now two years seems conservative. Folks, even marital recovery takes time. Don’t rush it.

Faith works. I sit here on Father’s day betrayed, alone, unemployed and broke. I still believe, however, that things get better. Interviews are going well, my children love me, and I have the chance to build a new life based on what I want. What happens may not be what I expect, but I have Faith that it will be better than what I had.

I’m grateful to so many on this board who have taught so much. Your support and input often was the only thing keeping me going early on. This is such a good place! I hope all of our stories have deservedly happy endings. What thoughts do other longtime members have about how to get through and back to happy?

Isn't awesome to look back and see how far you've come and what you've learned? I know you wish you didn't have to go through it!!!

I won't lie it took me probably about 4-5 yrs to really get over xh. I 'm not sure it will ever been totally healed. I have trust issues with men period (long story)so that didn't help. I think when you choose to look at all the positives, keep your attitude and thoughts a good as possible things seem to fall into place. Faith is what got me through my whole mess, it continues today to bring me the best things in my life. I look back and see how far I've come and I'm happy with my life now.

When I was going through all my difficulties I didn't have MB but I did have James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough and that really taught me so much. I still have that book

Remember to always make sure the children know they are well loved, never hear parents say negative or bad things about the other parent, and you are able to still parent well with the other. I'm having a hard time with that right now.

I agree with so much of what has been said. Especially the LONG time of recovery and the loss of support of friends. I guess they are tired of my being so depressed, and want to see me happy again. They just don't get that I'm trying, and don't they realize I'd like nothing more than to BE happy again??

But, like dleightonc, I"m struggling finanially, and received quite a blow from a current employer, and that adds to feelings of being a failure. I never used to be such a downer, and that is hard for me. So my addition:

YOU will change, and it may be for the worse before it gets for the better.

cm

What as been learned:

I am responsible for my own happiness. Hard to believe at times and harder to implement, but very true.

Life is meant to be lived.

At least once a week get out and paricipate in an actiivty that gives you pleasure. That's a minimum. Better is to get out twice a week.

If you are serious about looking for a partner do the above without bringing along a friend. The idea is to be open, inviting and look available.

Each day take a few minutes to count your blessings: health, friends, good food, job, children, whatever. The negatives will scream as loudly as they can. Hush, them with positive thoughts.

When I start getting into a funk thinking about XW, her marriage to OM, how I was betrayed, etc, I slap myself on the wrist and shout "Stop it!" to myself. Yes, it works.

Preferences are better than needs. Much better.

Sounds like you're doing just fine dleightonc. It sounds like you have healthy self esteem & a good understanding of you self worth.

Though it's hard to pass time in pain, the passing of time is one of the things that helps us to recover.

Well said Justin!

Dobson said something about maintaining action that we know to be Biblically correct when our spouse is damaging and/or leaving the marriage. Never, ever "stoop" to their level in order to try and "save" the marriage. Maintain firm Biblical standards and let the cards fall where they may. Turns out he was dead right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

1. So I learned that there was absolutely nothing I could have done (within Biblical - and reasonable moral boundaries) to save my marriage. And as painful as it was at the time; it helped tremendously in my recovery from the mess.

2. That the emotional fallout and damage to family & friends from an affair/divorce is much like a single raindrop that falls in the middle of the ocean - causing tidal waves in every direction. I have family members who are still having a hard time with this, a year later. Just part of the tragedy.

3. That my faith in God is stronger than all the damage two immoral people could possibly do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

4. That family is always there for us.

5. That our daughters have been scarred for life. However the extent of that scarring rests on my shoulders - and we're doing pretty good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

6. That immoral people will always find each other.

7. That I still have good feelings about marriage.

8. That taking the high road does pay off.

9. That when I remove my emotional focus from the financial damage done in this mess - something good always shows up to help.

10. I hope to marry again one day, to a person who knows what commitment and love really means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Fishracer I liked your summary, how did you stay on the high road and not get bated by ex or attornies?

I dont't know about Fishracer, but I found that I resisted baiting by sticking to my beliefs and principles. Secondly I was not motivated by greed (lawyers) or lost in the fog (ex & OM). Others will make YOU are the one who fell off the path of reality. But really If you are trying to save your family, how dumb or crazy can you be?

I'd like to tell you that it was due to my untouchable level of self-awareness, being completely in touch with my feminine side and really missing my former good-friend - now OM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But the secret was MARGARITAS!!! Lots of margaritas!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No, seriously billp: "dleightonc" said it best: I dont't know about Fishracer, but I found that I resisted baiting by sticking to my beliefs and principles. Secondly I was not motivated by greed (lawyers) or lost in the fog (ex & OM). Others will say YOU are the one who fell off the path of reality. But really If you are trying to save your family, how dumb or crazy can you be?


Also; My daughters suddenly found themselves w/o "their" Mom, so I was damn sure not going to let them feel the same way about their Dad. They need(ed) to lean on me; which means I could not waver! (Talking about my core values here. My values system.) I had to maintain what my x and I taught them all these years.

And xw knew (despite the fog) that I would not waver and that the truth would win out - sooner or later. Amazingly, a great and unexpected byproduct is that my position with DD's, friends & family has risen to a new level. So there is truth in the old cliche: "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".

And yes; it was worth it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR