My wife and I have an appointment to see a marriage counsler on Wednesday. What can I do to insure that she finds this process helpful, and not a waste of time and money?

Also,

She is living with her parents now, what is the best form of communication to maintain with her? We talk casually on the phone every few days, and I always tell her how much I miss her and that I love her. She is unresponsive when I say these things. Is this doing more damage than good?

Hi. Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I have a couple of questions. Do you still have the anxiety attacks, or are they under control?

Did you find out what caused them?

Are you working now?

When you went "out" - where did you go, and what did you do?

“””What can I do to insure that she finds this process helpful”””

Nothing. The session is going to be what it is for her and you can’t control that. You can go and be honest while ensuring that you aren’t love busting or throwing around disrespectful judgments and hope that by creating a safe environment that she responds well.

“””What is the best form of communication to maintain with her? We talk casually on the phone every few days”””

That sounds good, if that is what she is comfortable with.

“””I always tell her how much I miss her and that I love her. She is unresponsive when I say these things. Is this doing more damage than good?”””

Probably, depends on how you say them. If at the end of the conversation you simply say, I love you and good bye, then that’s ok. If you are going on about how much you miss her and love her and you know you screwed up blah blah blah, then she’ll perceive you as needy and weak, which isn’t attractive in the least.

Instead of saying I miss you, show her what she is missing. If every other day she calls and talks to you and you're begging, whining, and telling her how you can't live without her, blah, blah, blah, then likely she won't perceive that she is missing much. BUT if every other day she talks to you and your upbeat, positive, respectful of her space, and not pushing the relationship talks then she may get a glimpse of what she missing......

Believer,
The anxiety attacks are definately under control. Initially, they were so bad that I had to be taken to the hospital in fear that it was something more serious. Every now and then, there is a little rumble, but nothing I can't push through. As for the cause, my mother has them, and we are both extremely emotional people who are very prone to stress. She's Italian if that tells you anything. I think it was just in the genes. There were a few external conditions that may have helped them arise, I had just left college, having completed only 3 years, and immediately moved out of my parents house and in with my wife into an apartment. We were dating at the time. I went from one extreme to another.

AlmostHome,
I have had a few episodes of the whining, and I am beginning to see that that is harmful. Usually I just tell her that I miss her and that I love her before the conversation ends. I should add, that I am the one that calls, not her. Should I wait for her to call, even if a week goes by with no word? I can't imagine her making the first move and calling me.

rd79, I would like to echo the advice on not going over-the-top with the I love yous and I miss yous. A little background, I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in January 2004. Wife moved out first weekend of Feb 2004, filed for D in July 2004, we got divorced on April 12th of this year. In the beginning I bombarded her with "I love you" and "I miss you" and "I have changed" and yadda yadda yadda but nothing helped. What finally DID help was NOT doing these things, "actions speak louder than words" should be your motto. Don't miss her, make her miss you. And I say that doing this finally did help because on Mother's Day of this year, my EX wife called me. The EX wife I missed and loved, realized she missed and love me without me forcing her to. So today, we are dating again. She calls me her boyfriend, things are awesome. We are both deeply saddened that the divorce happened (her more than me, as she was the filer) but we are doing good. I just wanted to give you a little hope and advice.

Thanks for the advice Nuke. It sounds like a tough road, but one that has to be traveled I suppose. Good luck with the "new" relationship.