I've been married to my husband for almost 8 months now. Not a long time. I'm already starting up again with cheating. I haven't had sex with anyone outside of my marriage, but other things have happened. I want it to stop and I need some advice. Please help.

You need to stop and stop now. Find a counselor you can go to and get some help. If necessary find a safe, trusted friend that can hold you accountable. Whatever you do don't continue in your actions unless you want to face a lot of hurt and guilt.

Thank you for the advice. I know that I need help. In fact, I've known for awhile. I guess I've been trying to get an understanding of why I do and think the things I do. I don't understand and wish I could. Everything I ever wanted and needed is in my husband and I want to be with him forever. I cannot continue like this. It isn't fair to him and it isn't right with God. Yet knowing these things, I don't stop. Why? I just want to know why. ):

One more question...how do I go through counseling without my husband finding out? He's going to wonder why I'm seeing a counselor.

and he should know exactly why you are going to counseling for a number of reasons.
- to hold you accountable to someone
- to show your h that you can be honest
- to show your h you want to make the marriage better

Don't hide that you are going to a counselor. Tell him you need to go to a counselor to deal with some emotional issues and they are too much for you to discuss with him until you have been through some counseling. That right now you are not sure how to even talk about what is going on until you can sort it out with a counselor. I think it's a fair and honest statement and that is all he needs to know for now.

At some point in counseling you will probably want to discuss with him your problem. I know right now that seems taboo, but it's something you will eventually want to do. It's only fair to him and it will lift a burden off of you.

Does that help any?

Thank you so much for your responses. I really don't want my husband to know why I'm going to counseling because I don't feel that it is his problem, but mine alone. He is not the reason this is happening (as it has happened in many past relationships). So thank you, and I have scheduled myself an appointment with a marriage counselor. The appointment is not until July 5th so I'll have to hang out here for awhile until then.

Is there anything I can do to keep my mind off of bad things and to avoid certain behavior? Are there affirmations I can say to myself? I've been telling myself that it's an "addiction" and to "walk away" and that's saved me in some situations. I have prayed, but maybe not hard enough. I'm so desperate to stop this.

Thank you again. I'm so glad I found this place. At first I thought I wouldn't be welcome as the "bad guy." I really hate who I am sometimes. This isn't me and it isn't who I want to be. So I have to change. <===I think I will make that my signature. (=

I really don't want my husband to know why I'm going to counseling
So only eight months after the marriage begins, it's okay to keep things from your spouse?
No one ever said this (or marriage in general) would be easy. But keeping things from your spouse (ESPECIALLY stuff like this) is almost a 100% guarantee your marriage will fail at some point.

because I don't feel that it is his problem, but mine alone
Of course it is his problem for two big reasons:
- you are his wife and his problems are yours & vice-versa.
- you are doing this to him

Is there anything I can do to keep my mind off of bad things and to avoid certain behavior?
Yes. The biggest way to keep your mind off it is to tell your husband. Let him help you.

I've been telling myself that it's an "addiction" and to "walk away" and that's saved me in some situations. I have prayed, but maybe not hard enough. I'm so desperate to stop this.
But as you have demonstrated, even marriage is not enough to save you from your behaviors, especially if you are not willing to trust your husband.

Now I'm not suggesting you simply blurt it out to him. Talk with your counselor and ask the best way to approach your h about it.
And if your marriage counselor even suggest he does not need to know, you need to get another counselor.

Thank you Chris. We do have a good marriage. He trusts me and I trust him. But he trusts me more than he should I guess. The thought of talking to him about this makes me sick to my stomach. He would surely leave me and I absolutely CANNOT risk that. My husband has no tolerance for cheating whatsoever and would never understand. I can do this myself. Telling him is not worth the risk. If I tell him, there will be a 100% chance of my marriage failing.

The thought of talking to him about this makes me sick to my stomach.
But how did you feel when you were doing it?
When you wrote, "sex' did you mean only intercourse did not happen but there have been other sexual things? (we don't need a description)

He would surely leave me and I absolutely CANNOT risk that.
Famous last words spoken by far too many.
Which is why I suggest you talk with a counselor about the best way to approach it with him.

If I tell him, there will be a 100% chance of my marriage failing.
So you don't really trust your husband? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I say very doubtful the marriage would fail, especially if you fess up now, before it gets worse.
Yes, it will be a bump in the road but better than a train wreck...

How about if I said I had 40 affairs because I couldn't stop and my wife is still with me. It's all because I went to get help and was serious about working on my problem. I am sure if your husband knows you are serious about getting to the bottom of your problem he will understand. It is why I said tell him you are going to counseling and then go from them as to what will happen next.

But how did you feel when you were doing it?
When you wrote, "sex' did you mean only intercourse did not happen but there have been other sexual things?

How did I feel while I was with someone else? Special. Afterwards? Disgusted. As to the second question, sex is intercourse to me. I have not had sex with anyone outside of my marriage.

Which is why I suggest you talk with a counselor about the best way to approach it with him.

Will do.

So you don't really trust your husband? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I trust my husband completely and I know him very well. I trust him with everything except this.


I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make this marriage last forever. It will not fail.

I would say that your wife is an extremely strong, compassionate and forgiving woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I definitely had a sexual addiction that got triggered by a high level of anxiety during a set of family problems. And once it got set into motion I couldn't stop. And when it all came crashing down I knew I needed help and took 100% responsibility for my problem and went and got the help I needed. While I wanted my wife to stay, I needed to fix me first and that was most important to our relationship. She saw how determined I was, and how I accepted responsibility for what I had done and while she was hurt, devastated, wounded and any other word you can think of to throw in there, she realized I had a problem I was willing to work on my problem and remain accountable.

Art, how did you know your wife wasn't going to leave you when you told her?

You all are so kind to help me. I will definitely take all your advice in.

You don't know. I went to counseling for a while before I disclosed everything to my wife. She knew there was probably an affair I was going to tell her about, but she had no idea of the magnitude of the problem. She had thought maybe I was having an emotional affair, I was chatting online, all those kinds of things and then I hit her with 40 affairs, 18 of them physical, pornography, visits to strip clubs, etc, etc.... So I sat there scared half to death, very humble, just wondering what was going to happen.

Having a counselor there helps because then he reassures the spouse you are progressing, you have a hold of the problem, that divorce is not the best option, that there are no guarantees in life and future marriages may be no better.

Now one other thing the counselor told me, at least over 80% of spouses remain married after disclosure of an affair in counseling. That gave me high hopes too.

But the real question is, do you want to live life as a lie or life honestly?

The latter, of course. At this point (before counseling), there is no way that I can be honest about this. I will wait to hear what the counselor tells me. Until then...I will keep praying. It is my birthday tomorrow and so I'm going out tonight. I will try my best to stay strong and not get into trouble.

1 day behavior free

You know more than likely you some emotional needs you are trying to meet and that's why it's good to talk to a counselor. I found I had issues from the past that affected me emotionally. And once I realized how they impacted me I could deal with them. Plus I realized anxiety was a big trigger for me. I dealt with my anxiety by looking for women who would talk with my about my problems and then I would find the best time to talk was after the intimate times. Hence the sex addiction, really had nothing to do with sex, it was just the hurdle I had to jump to get to where I really wanted to be.

I kind of have a feeling that I know what this is about, but I'm not sure. It's something that I haven't wanted to deal with in past counseling. I have had issues with anxiety, depression, alcoholism, some drugs, and most recently anorexia. I'm currently recovering from anorexia that stemmed from my childhood. My dad and I weren't very close. He was an extremely depressed alcoholic with extreme mood swings that scared me. My sisters and I were verbally and emotionally abused. I, the middle child, was very sensitive to everything. I wanted so bad to be close to my dad but I was scared of him.

We did the whole counseling thing and nothing seemed to come out of it. A few months later I was inpatient for my anorexia. Released after a month, things went further and further down. I got extremely depressed (suicidal), got drunk 7 nights a week, did cocaine whenever it was available, and starved myself more and more.

Then I met my husband...the man I've waited for my entire life. It was an amazing feeling and kind of scarey. Our feelings for each other were quickly revealed and we moved in together after about a month. We continued living together for a year until we got married last October, after I had a brief "fling" with another man. I know why I married my husband but I also know why I was in a hurry. It was because I didn't want to have feelings for this other man. I wanted to stop the repeating pattern of cheating. I knew all along that my husband was the one for me (since the day we met). I did not make a mistake marrying him. My mistake was marrying partly for the reason to fix this. It obviously did not work.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I

I'm not an expert, but I have listened to enough people with similar problems that I can give you some insight about yourself.

First, there isn't anyone who doesn't want to be close to their dad. I grew up without, yet I would have loved to have had a dad in my life. You had a dad with problems who didn't know how to show love in the right way and unfortunately you grew up not knowing how to respond in the right way. Children in those situations are hurt emotionally and it carries forward into adulthood unless they stop to work through the issues. It's a good time to get counseling and you can tell your husband this is what you are going for to deal with these past hurts and it will make you a better wife.

Next, if you dad was an alcoholic and you have dealt with alcohol and drugs that means you may be prone to addictive behavior. Anorexia, drugs, alcohol, affairs can be forms of an addiction.

You are searching to recover the love you didn't get as a child, the only problem is you didn't learn what that love should look like and so you will never find it. Except it's probably there at home and you just can't see it for all the past hurts that are covering it up.

And when you said you married partly for the reason to fix this.....welcome to the club, most people with the same problem says the same thing. They have hopes a marriage will solve the problem, but it doesn't. You have to work on solving the problem with some counseling. And you can do it. I did.....hey and I feel better than I have in years.