It is a challenge and it does make me feel powerful. That is exactly it.

So, you know how counselors work, the next thing they ask is why are you looking for that feeling? Obviously that feeling of having power over men is significant. Being able to make the conquest and win it says something to you.

Do you have any clue?

Yes, I do. I have a feeling. It is the same reason I was hospitalized with anorexia and still continue to struggle. It is my dad. The thing is, I have been through counseling for years trying to get through this issue and nothing has ever been resolved. We even had family counseling with my mom and dad. Nothing will ever satisfy this void. The attention and love I never got from my dad I look for in other people. I thrive on it. I know. I've always known.

I saw this child who was scared of her father and didn't know how to control him during those moments when she was afraid of him. So in your addictions you have control of you. In your addiction you seek control of others and to have power over them.

Think about these things, you father had problems just like you have problems. He was unable to fully cope with life and therefore was unable to fully give to you the things he needed to give. Had he been a full and healthy person, maybe he could have given you what you needed, but he wasn't. So what do you, you either hold on to the bad memories or realize he did the best he probably could and let go.

Next thing to think about, you said you are trying to fill a void. You can't fill it, but since you said you are of a Christian faith I will say Christ can. I had to relearn that Christ can meet my every need. I knew it, but somewhere I forgot it. Actually, I ignored it because I was angry at life. Christ can take that void where you felt unloved and fill it with all the love you will ever need. There is no one who loves you more than He does. He died for you, He watches over you, He comforts you, and He grieves with you. He knows your pain.

So the father you wanted, he couldn't help how he was. You can ask God to help you understand his problems and find understanding and forgiveness for them. And then allow God to be the Father to you that you needed. And let Christ fill those voids and share your pain. It is what He is there for.

I'm praying that God will take away your pain and help you through all of this. And that He will fill your void with the love of His son.

I know you will overcome all of this and become a strong testimony to others.....

I've prayed for so long but nothing seems to get any better. My dad has gotten better. He at least talks to me like I'm a human being now. He tries to hug me, but it makes me feel awkward and ill. Here are a few poems I wrote a while back.

WHORE

She’ll live a hundred lives
before ever knowing the truth.
She’ll kiss a thousand lips
to silence this haunting hurt
and fulfill insatiable hunger.
She’ll rape your days.
Bleed your dreams.
Then say a prayer
...just ‘cause daddy wasn’t there.
The birthmark you see is really a scar.
Blame him for the whore you are.

PICTURE OF A GIRL

all I ever wanted
was to be near you
to hug you without
feeling diseased
to show you how I feel
you’ll never know
how much I need to
unscrew these rusty bolts
untie this knot and let loose
all I ever wanted
was to be more than this
picture of a girl
who looks kind of like you

Those are sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You know, God has a purpose for your life and everything is in His time. I'm sure He has brought you to this point in time for understanding and healing. And if your dad is doing better, it may even be a time for each of you to understand one another.

I have forgiven my dad. I do not blame him anymore. But I can't let go.

There is a book called "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. In the book there is a story I pulled out for you and here is the excerpt:

One of the passengers, an oily man who has decided to leave and is headed back to the bus. Sitting on his shoulder is a little red lizard, twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. The man turns his head to the reptile and snarls, "Shut up, I tell you!"

Just then one of Heaven's radiant angels sees the man. "Off so soon?" he calls.

"Well, yes," says the man. "I'd stay, you know, if it weren't for him," indicating the lizard. "I told him he'd have to be quiet if he came. His kind of stuff won't do here. But he won't stop. So I'll just have to go home."

"Would you like me to make him quiet?" asks the angel.

"Of course I would", says the man.

"Then I will kill him," says the angel, stepping forward.

The man panics at the thought of permanently losing the lizard and the sweet fantasies the creature whispers in his ear. But he is tired of carrying him around. He dithers back and forth between the two choices. Solemnly, the angel reminds him he cannot kill the lizard without his consent. And yes, it will be painful for the man; the angel refuses to soften the truth. Finally, in anguish, the man gives his consent, then screams in agony as the angel's burning hands close around the lizard and crush it.

"Ow! That's done for me," gasps the man, reeling back.

But then, gradually but unmistakably, the man begins to be transformed. Bright and strong he grows, into the shape of an immense man, not much smaller than the angel. And even more surprisingly, something is happening to the lizard, too. He grows, rippling with swells of flesh and muscle, until standing beside the man is a great white stallion with mane and tail of gold.

The new man turns from the horse, flings himself at the feet of the Burning One, and embraces them. When he rises, his face shines with tears. Then in joyous haste the young man leaps upon the horse's back. Turning in his seat he waves a farewell. And then they are off across the green plain, and soon among the foothills of the mountains. Like a star, they wind up, scaling what seem to be impossible steeps, till near the dim brow of the landscape, they vanish, bright themselves, into the rose brightness of that everlasting morning.

.........................

There is a deep meaning in that story for you if you think about it for a while.

Art, you have been such a great help. Thank you so much!

Your welcome........

Just know you will be in my prayers and your burdens will be with me.

Damn it! I did it again. )=

I'm guessing that means you slipped?

Yeah...online and AT WORK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I could have gotten into so much trouble. I felt so guilty coming home. I feel so dirty.

Ok, the guilt would mean you are in the shame part of the addiction cycle. What the shame does is drives those core needs and pushes on them so you start heading back towards a trigger phase.

So two things you can do with shame. 1) You can let shame make you feel like a bad, rotten person. Or 2) you can realize your actions are bad, but you are a good, worthwhile person and let the shame remind you of things not to do. I think you should pick option 2.

You are a good person, worthwhile, someone to be cherished. someone who is of value, someone who is loved. It's your actions that are wrong and you can stop them.

You were right about the ritual phase and not being able to turn back.


I don't believe that. I used to be a good person. I went to church every Sunday. I only drank alcohol twice a month. I cared more about other people than I did about myself. I am an ugly, selfish, nasty, deceitful error of God.

Well considering God is perfect and cannot make errors. Matthew 5:48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Oh, and he is wan't you to be perfect as well, so that means he never intented for you to have all those bad characteristics you mentioned. So that just means they are a result of sin that was released into the world and not something God did. The sin is ugly, nasty, deceitful, not you.

You know, people think God is like their earthly fathers, but He is nothing like them. He is more loving, more caring, more generous, more nurturing, more forgiving....more than anything we can imagine. It also says in Matthew that you are valuable to Him. And something of such great value is not so easily discarded.

Believe in yourself, I do.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel unforgiveable.

So, I'll ask you the question that was asked me. As a Christian we believe if we ask God to forgive us that He is holy and just and will forgive us of all unrightousness and that is without a doubt. So, do you think you are better than God? To say you are unforgivable means you think you have a better opinion than God Himself about your failures or do you just totally doubt God and He is a liar?

You have to pick one or none and if the answer is none, then you have already been forgiven.

I'm not a very good Christian. I shouldn't even call myself that but it's what I believe. I don't live up to it. I believe it and preach it, but I turn my back. I'm a hypocrite. God is so ashamed. I'm His biggest disgrace. True that He may have forgiven me, but I never will. I haven't forgiven myself for a lot of things. It's all inside collapsing. I drown in guilt every day.

I never wanted to hurt anyone. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone. But I have. And I do. And I'll do it again and again and again. And it tears me up. It kills me a thousand times. I am so full of heavy nothing.

Sometimes I think the reason I was born was to hate life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What is a good Christian? Christianity is not based on the things you do or don't do, but on the faith you have in Christ. So there really is no good or bad Christian. To God we are all his children and equal in His eyes. He is not ashamed of you. He feels no disgrace because of you. He loves you no matter what.

To not forgive yourself is self serving to a great extreame. It says, look at me, I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to be unhappy, I deserve to be unloved, I deserve, to be a failure.

Do you really think you deserve those things? I think you are telling youself a horribly lie if you do.

And hey, I care or I wouldn't be asking the questions and trying to help you think about it.........