God I don't even know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 17 years we have 3 children ages 12, 12 and 9. In january I met a man online we began talking and it led to a red hot affair he is quite a bit older than I am (18 years) and honestly its truly a love affair. I have since left my husband and in the process of divorce as he has his wife (he was married for 32 years). This is not typical behavior for either of us and we are commited to each other although we live quite a distance apart. The problem is the closer to the actual divorce the sicker I feel. We have both destroyed our spouse's, my children are doing ok (not great but, there knowledge of the situation is limited so they are just dealing with the divorce aspect not the affair portion) his children courtesy of his wife know all the details and actually staged some type of intervention intially, they are all over the age of 21. Of course they hate me (which I can understand not looking for a hallmark card) I know this is probably not the forum to post in but, I really need some help the closer the actual divorce becomes the more panic stricken I am. of couse everyone hates me I am the bad guy which is funny in a way because I was the stepford wife for 17 years. Honestly and this is going to sound terrible it does even to me but, this was more powerful and emotional when the risk of getting caught was there now I just feel alone and lost most of the time because we are not physically together a great majority of the time. Although we are still deep in a relationship I don't know if its more from the common shared bond that we made this bed and now we have to lye in it or from real love. I feel so guilty and overwhelmed I am not sure what to do anymore. Like I said I am sure this is not going to bring out the nice in anyone but, believe me I already feel pretty bad so if you could keep the hate comments to a minimum I would very much appreciate it. Thank You.

Wow. I bet you feel like you are walking some type of a 'twisted plank'...launching off into the unknown.

I can surely understand the conflicting emotions you are going through. Some time ago, I was faced with some very similar circumstances. The tide of emotional pull is so overwhelming to 'follow your heart', that there simply are no words to describe the intensity of that pull. An old song title from way back when rings so true when the song asked: "How can something that SEEMS so Right, Be SO Wrong?"

If I can point my finger at any one thing that kept me from pursuing that path you are on right now (leaving to be with that 'soulmate', it was this: Both her and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that regardless of how deeply we felt for each other, neither of us could have ever been able to withstand the anvalanche of guilt and remorse we would have been crushed by had we acted on those emotional tidal waves to be with each other.

I believe I came across a quote here some time back that said something to the tune of: "You can't find happiness at someone else's expense". The OP I was emotionally involved with felt the same. It was not about 'bashing' our spouses or looking for a good excuse to leave. We both just knew that we knew that the beauty of the lure was nothing but bait to inject a deadly poison into our souls.

It sounds like those waves of panic you are feeling might be waves of Reality pleaing with you to stop and think this through some more.

Do you remember that old Disney Movie, "Little Mermaid" ? There is a sobering scene where Ariel is swimming into the chambers where the Sea Witch lives and presumably can help her fulfill her desire to be a human and be with her 'Love'. As she makes her way down the corridors, there are these 'wisps' of former mermaids...with a ghost like countance, waving her back, trying to convince her to go back before it's too late. There is quite a message in that to me. Sadly, in the movie, Ariel still gets the desire of her heart with the usual 'happy ending', but we all know it does'nt work like that in real life. *smile*

Not sure where God fits into all of your unfolding drama, but I can assure you, regardless of the damage done already, it is still not too late to change course.

I know you are hurting and torn and probably see no way out. But if you think you are hurting now, you are in for a horrific awkening further down the road.

It's a tough place to be in. But I really think you can turn this ship around and save yourself.

Simply put Thank You, its nice to know someone really understands this. I think I need a shrink. I have never had a panic attack in my life until recently. Believe it or not I have always had a relationship with God- well until this started, I am so confused and lost I feel so incredibly alone. I guess maybe when people are nasty or hateful it validates how I feel about myself right now. Can you love 2 people? Anyway Thank You, God Bless You!

Well, not sure about needing a 'shrink', but you sure could use someone on solid ground to help navigate you through these waters without hurling stones at you. *smile*

You ask about 'loving two people'? Mixed bag there for sure. When you truly 'love' someone, you will do what is best for them...putting their needs/feelings above yourself. ( I know, that can go to extremes in unhealthy ways. ). But For the most part, I think you would have to seperate what you 'feel' and what you know to be true about love. You really are acting on emotional feelings versus demontrating genuine love. And there is a difference. I bet you find your head telling you all the things you know to be true, but your heart is screaming and kicking and demanding something else, eh? *smile* Welcome to the war.

I know what you are 'feeling' is genuine. It's not 'fog', it is a highly powerful and influential emotion that probably supercedes anything you have felt in quite a long time. I just think that is where we get confused with labels and such. It reminds me of those instances where you hear pilots talk about getting disoriented in flight, due to cloud cover, fog, or something and their gut intincts tell them they are flying on course but their instrument panel is telling them they are headed on a dangerous course. They are convinced the instrument panel is out of whack and rely on what they are 'feeling' deep down inside. Before long, they slam into the side of a mountain...because they made the wrong choice.

Try not to beat yourself up to bad. We all make bad choices at one time or another and usually pay a stiff price for them. But making bad choices doesn't mean we are 'bad people'. (yes...I know we have sinful natures).

But I think you can recover from this if you just can find some solid footing to get on and catch your breath. And even if....you continue on this path that will ultimately bring more pain and suffering to everyone involved, in the end, I still hold to the belief that God will always be there to help pick up the broken pieces. But please....don't let it come to that.

Can't say I feel sorry for you at all. Being a BS who has tried everything in her power to get her WH to see the errors in his ways, only to come up empty handed....I believe that what you feel for this other man is love, that it is real. I know in my heart that over the past 15 years of marriage, when I found myself alone and crying over a less than perfect marriage, that had I found the right person....I would have fallen in love and left my spouse. BUT and a very big BUT at that...I didn't. I didn't allow myself to even think about it. I never opened myself up to it, never allowed myself to be in that situation. And I don't believe in "It just happened". Nothing just happens.

So you allowed it to happen...you fell in love. Now as your D approaches you are feeling afraid? Maybe remorseful? Doubting what you have done and where you are headed. There is one ques you must ask yourself. Is there anything left of your marriage that you would want to save? If you feel you will be better off with the divorce regardless of this other man, then don't feel guilty. You OWE IT to your husband and children to be unwaivering. If you start to second guess now, what kind of message does that send to your STBX and kids. Do not entertain the thought of giving them hope because you aren't sure you are doing the right thing. You have come this far and done the damage. Don't leave them hanging. If it turns out to be a mistake, you will only have your own butt to kick. And that is the way it should be. Don't keep dragging the man you married thru hell because all of a sudden you got a conscience.

Get the divorce and let your Ex find someone who really loves him.

I didn't suddenly get a concious I have always had one its pretty evident that if randomly hurting people didn't bother me I would not be in the current emotional state I am in. Yes I feel bad, I feel terrible for my husband and for his wife, for both sets of kids and even for us. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and the more I read the worse I feel, I honestly feel like this whole "expose the affair thing" is the worst possible thing you can do, if you love someone and want to keep them why in Gods name would you try to humilate them using your family and friends how can that be healing? I think its revenge plain and simple and I sure you all agree that the cheating spouse totally deserves it but, the flip side of that is you also look like a miserable failure of a spouse because yours went elsewhere. Frankly thats one of the biggest problems I would have trying to make our marriage work again, he has embarrassed me to the point I don't know if my pride would ever allow me to backpeddle. I don't even know if I still love him maybe I just love the memories or the lifestyle I miss being able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted to do it selfish YES totally. I have been called up daily and cursed out by my darling husband I have been called every name in the book, no lie has been left untold again I am sure I deserve it because I was the one who cheated God knows we aren't human just cold calculating monsters who enjoy tearing up lives. Nevermind I am ranting this is counter productive I don't even know why I am so angry and sad. Thanks to those who are trying to help. I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore.

The reason the affair is supposed to be exposed is because affairs thrive on the fantasy built up by the secrecy and lies. Exposing it destroys the fantasy, and forces the Wayward Spouses to look at the reality of the situation.

Affairs have consequences. Your choice to have an affair was made without reference to your husband. He had no say in it. Him keeping quiet about the affair means he is collaborating in the decision you made, the decision he had no input in. Him keeping quiet about the affair means everyone else will assume your divorce was a mutual decision, or they might even put the blame on him and assume he left you.

You've already cheated on him and are leaving him. Expecting him to keep quiet about it means you are forcing him to be your collaborator, your partner in the affair. That's a heavy burden to place on someone you swore eternal vows to.

Perfect....hhmmmm, not the name I would have chosen. The exposure helps to open everything up and help to smother the flames. My WH was livid whenever I mentioned the possibility of an OW to friends and family. Said it was a lie because according to him, an EA doesn't make him unfaithful. It only counts if there is sex involved. Said it was nobodies business even though he met the OW in public places. He doesn't want anyone to think he did something wrong, God forbid....

I never called him names or berated him. Your husband was hurt beyond anything you can imagine and he was venting and trying to hurt you back. Seems to me that there probably isn't anything left to save. I can't tell you how many friends of mine have shown up to court with their WS only to watch the other party break down into tears when the judge is going through the motions of dissolving the marriage. It is nothing but a knee jerk reaction, because everytime the judge has asked if they need additional time to resolve the issues the WS gets a grip and says NO. Because they don't want to invest the time and energy into saving the marriage.

No WS will ever make me believe they are sorry when they continue down the path of infidelity. I always said to my husband, if you ever get that unhappy do me a favor and file for a divorce but whatever you do don't have an affair. Guess he really listened. Sounds to me as if maybe your husband has already moved on, don't toy with the "What if's"
He has come too far to hear you say "Maybe I was wrong"

Infidelity at it's core is about selfishness. And everything that follows, follows.

Sorry but, it still makes the person who's telling everyone look like as much of a problem as the one having an affair, who would want a spouse that you have to emotionally blackmail to keep. You call it exposure, I call it revenge any stats on the times this actually works long term. My God even if it were my husband I would not tell a soul its again a pride issue coupled with the fact that you yourself have turned your marriage into fodder for people who love to gossip. I just can't believe that humilating someone to try to keep them with you would ever be a good idea.

Suggestion regarding pride, don't do anything YOU would be ashamed or embaressed that some saw you doing and put on the nightly news.

See the responses in your other thread in emotional needs. Seems you might seek forgiveness for the hurts you've caused you H, but you are unwilling to "forgive" his exposure.

If this is the case, he is far better off without a hypocritical wife, in my not so humble opinion.

T

I am glad you have lived the perfect life, never doing anything that would embarrass yourself or your spouse. How proud you must be, bet it gets chilly in that glass house. How do you know I haven't sought forgiveness, forgiveness does not always mean reconcilation. As far as being hypocritical what was said is that I would never gossip about anything in our relationship to anyone it would not matter who had the affair. Don't you get it publically humilating your spouse is not going to make them come back in fact its going to do the polar opposite. what I have seen of this site there are 2 whole people on the whole thing who have shown any type of real christian kindness and caring. Oh and BTW Mr. Mathisen when exactly do you work on your marriage seems your on this site giving out your own brand of judgement, do you work for these people or is your life just that boring. Nevermind I will find my own solutions, it was a bad idea to seek any help from people who are all self proclaimed "victims" here is some real advice, get some self pride, stop begging someone who doesn't want to be with you to stay and move on. God Bless

Well, since you're in the situation, and would be directly affected, I wouldn't expect you to agree.

The purpose of exposure is not to humiliate the person, it's to expose the wrongdoing. That it happens to be you and another married man making the same mistake just makes it mildly more interesting.

The purpose is to shine the light on the infidelity and bring it to the forefront and out of the shadows of hiding and deception and lying. The fact that it's you doing the hiding and the deceiving and lying is a result of your decisions. If you weren't contributing, you'd have nothign to lose by the exposure.

If the affair was a good thing, it could handle the exposure. Just like good marriages can handle the exposure.

But affairs are insidious. They're sneaky. They're based on lies and deception. They hurt others in ways that can be incalculable. They violate trust. They're incredibly disrespectful.

The success rate of marriages resulting from affairs is even worse than marriage from the beginning. Why do you suppose that is?

And it isn't emotional blackmail. The exposure process may still result in divorce. Recovering from infidelity is *extremely* difficult. It takes *years* and much effort to rebuild trust, and it's only going to succeed if both parties work at it. And the exposure is the step that can initiate the change. If the affair is exposed, and the WS walks off anyway, well, so be it. But it won't be for lack of trying on the part of the faithful spouse.

For all the stress you think this is causing you, it's significantly worse for the other party in the relationship. They're the one being lied to and deceived. At least while you were doing the lying and deceiving, you might've had some fleeting thrills to offset it. But your spouse is galumphing along, thinking things are fine, while in the meantime, you're at home planning your next deception...

And somehow, do you think that they aren't going to gossip once they find out anyway? People aren't quite as stupid as you give them credit for.

If I can just pop in, not even sure how I ended up in this area, just looking at the top posts and it caught my eye.

As I have always wondered what the OW did think I suppose.
I'm really not here to cast judgement, although, at one time I may have.

My xh just married the ow last month. We have been divorced now for 1.5 years.

I don't have a clue what it would be like for you if this were your outcome, but just wanted to share the side that I have seen.

The affair and his continued choices to move in with her right after divorce has split HIS family.
When they got married last month, it was a big secret. They were not even proud of it, (so it seems). They quietly went to the courthouse and got married. They took her daughter, but did not include ours.

I never thought I would feel any pity for him after the affair and heartache he put me through, but, I do feel sad in that we should be so happy to marry our "soul mate", so why hide it?? Why wouldn't he be so proud to want to publicly share this wonderful thing??And the most sad is, he was a Godly man. He was the one that has led me to God, and now, it seems he has lost all faith in God. I know he doesn't go to church, I have no idea what he believes anymore.

I just think that there must be an incredible amount of shame that comes along with this. To me, that would not be a good foundation to build on. Maybe this is not how all cases turn out, maybe this was their choice, but for the outsider, it looks like shame.

This is what I have seen from where I stand.

Karona

PG,

I don't think any of us claim to be perfect. For me, my ex-wife's affair caused me to look at myself and my behavior. I did many things wrong, admitted them on this very message board as well as to my ex-wife.

I simply asked for a chance to work on the marriage, for both of us to put as much effort into saving the marriage if not more than she was putting into planning her next move with her married OM.

She wasn't willing to do that.

So exposure commenced. First her family was told the real reason she moved out of our family home. Also, married OM's wife was contacted and we exchanged notes.

Every conversation stated my goal, to restore the marriage. I informed folks to let them know what was going on, what my goal was, to restore the marriage, and to ask for any support and prayer they could offer.

She chose to take that as an attack, she chose to follow her pride rather than to listen to family and friends. It has torn up at least two families.

I can speak for me and say that I'm not sitting in judgment. I'm just sharing the facts. You can choose to only see exposure as vindictive, or you can enter your husbands situation and understand the hurt and pain that he feels over your betrayal.

The bottom line is you are not the only one hurting. The two of you may have hurt each other, misunderstood, or perhaps have taken one another for granted.

So the decision you have to make is are you going to continue to hurt the one you promised to love forever in your marriage vows, or are you going to leave him with a life long hurt.

To me, the decision is obvious, hurt the OM because you don't have a covenant of marriage with him and put the effort you use to plan and justify your affair and disappointment with your H's response to your affair, into being the best wife you can be. The wife you promised him you would be.

Even if he doesn't take you back, it will prepare you for all relationships, romantic and otherwise that you have in your future.

God Bless,

T

“””I feel terrible for my husband and for his wife, for both sets of kids and even for us.”””

Do you feel bad enough to fix the situation?

“””if you love someone and want to keep them why in Gods name would you try to humiliate them”””

Stating facts is not humiliating someone else. If you behaved in a manner that is humiliating once known by others then your behaviour caused the humiliation, not the exposure. And since you asked in “God’s” name. It would make sense, out of love for the Lord, to try and steer a person towards God and not away from Him. I have no idea if your husband is doing this in a Godly manner but facts are not judgments. I am 100% sure that I’ve never read any scripture that says having an affair and breaking up your family is Godly.

“””I think its revenge plain and simple and I sure you all agree that the cheating spouse totally deserves it but, the flip side of that is you also look like a miserable failure of a spouse because yours went elsewhere.”””

Why would my spouse choosing to engage in immoral behaviors make me look like a failure, I don’t control her. She, just as you, made the decision to do what y’all did. I and your husband did not. Affairs are like cancer these days, everyone knows someone who has been bitten by their poisons. To me, the person who betrayed their spouse and showed their children this act is the failure.

“””he has embarrassed me to the point I don't know if my pride would ever allow me to back peddle.”””

Pride is a terrible thing and will keep people from much happiness. If you have any Christian values, take a moment to look up Pride on a Christian website. The other thing I must mention is that if he simply exposed what was true then your behavior embarrassed you not your husband.

“””I don't even know if I still love him”””

Love is a choice. You can choose to either love him or your other man.

“””I would not tell a soul its again a pride”””

James 4:6 declares " . . . God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

“””I would never gossip about anything in our relationship to anyone”””

Are you saying that you never talked with your other man about your relationship with your husband?

“””what I have seen of this site there are 2 whole people on the whole thing who have shown any type of real Christian kindness and caring.”””

Kindness and love take many forms. As far as Christianity, I can think of no Christian doctrine that would support your affair. While reconciliation may not be an option for you, raising your children in such a manner as to teach them morals and values still is. What positive moral values are they getting from your affair?

“””Nevermind I will find my own solutions”””

Keep in mind, your best thinking is what got you into the predicament to begin with.

“””it was a bad idea to seek any help from people who are all self proclaimed "victims"”””

Actually, this site is filled with cheaters as well as those who cheated on. We have black, white, old, young, male, female, straight, and gay. It’s really a pretty good cross section of America. The one thing we share is the desire to live a better life in our relationships. If you read through anything on this site, you’d see that one way we accomplish that is through the writing of Dr. Harley and through interactions with people going through similar situations.

“””here is some real advice get some self pride”””

Haven’t we already covered the pride issue. There was a guy in the late 1800’s or early 1900’s who was going to live a perfect Christian life. He dedicated himself whole heartedly to this endeavor. After much accomplishment and reflection he realized that because he took such PRIDE in his accomplishment that this experiment meant to bring him closer had God had failed. Why, because he was PROUD.

((((PG)))) I don’t know how your husband handled things, if he spread lies then obviously I disagree with his actions. If he said truth, then he merely stated the obvious and honesty is always the best policy. As for you, whichever path you choose to walk, this seems like a good place in your life for some self growth and wisdom. Stick around. Sure some here are opinionated but for the most part, we state things pretty openly and honestly, if that causes you anger, then I suggest you look at your actions.

Prayers,

I can't support you in thinking that exposure is done with evil intent. If you look far enough down the road, can you imagine reconciling with your husband, rebuilding your marriage, recovering your family? Can you foresee that even if there is gossip for several weeks or months, that it will eventually die down as a new scandal lifts its head?

Can you recall anyone you ever admired making a terrible choice, living through the pain and the shame, and then coming clean, owning up to their mistake, and being humble? Maybe you don't know anyone personally who ever did that. Maybe you have met someone from, say, Alcoholics Anonymous, who turned their life around. Maybe you have heard of someone who used to be racist, who now campaigns for tolerance.

I have know that kind of person. I have either met them, or gone to hear them speak. And they are really admirable. They have depth. They experienced a life changing event, they lost everything, and they came out of it better.

Nelson Mandela spent years in prison because he believed in the worth of his people. Mohandis Ghandi was thrown off of a train because he tried to sit in a car for Whites Only. Jane Doe (I don't remember her true name) was the plaintiff in a abortion rights lawsuit and later changed her mind and now campaigns against abortion. Walid Shoebat was a Palestinian terrorist, who realized that his actions were wrong, and now he speaks for Israel.

Some of the most admirable people I know are reformed alcoholics. They are positive, caring, and interesting. They are compassionate. They hit rock bottom sometimes several times.

There is a way to come out of this a better person. Sort of like a piece of coal that has been pressed and comes out as a diamond. I feel for your pain, I understand you are humiliated and that you think there is no other route than to continue with this married man and try to be happy together. You will do what you will. But none of us who have been betrayed are likely to give you the support you would want. We can't. What you want to do is wrong.

There are more people being hurt and devastated than you listed. There are ripples. There are people you never met, in the OM's circle of friends and his community. People who believed in his marriage. Family friends, who thought his marriage was solid. People who saw him and his wife year after year. Church people and volunteer people and work friends.

Maybe you don't believe this, but whenever friends hear that a couple splits up, it shakes them. It affects them. It destroys and erodes hope for their own marriages. All the children of both marriages have been shaken, and hope for their futures is eroded. They won't make engagements and marriage commitments with the same confidence and trust as children from intact homes.

Not only that, but they are more likely to betray their spouses as are children whose home of origin didn't have affairs.

Please know that I'm not bashing you. I hope what I have posted is useful or helpful to you. I hope I can encourage you to try to rebuild your marriage, to break off with the other man. To repair the damage.

The solution is to do what is right even if it does not gratify you or make you feel good.

That is the only solution to no longer being worthy of every bit of hate you anticipate having directed at you.

You can not be both the OW and a good person.

Do you understand this?

You can not be both the OW and a good person.

If he gets divorced you will still be the OW.

Twenty years from now you will still be the OW.

Your children will know what you did.

They will not forgive you for loving your affair more than you love them or care about their well being.

Why should they?

It just doesn't work no matter how much you want it to work.

No matter how you feel about it.

No matter how hard you try.

No matter how much it hurts or how sad you feel about it.

The only solution is to end the affair.

I stumbled onto this sight this afternoon and this topic came up i am in a very simular situation ...i am so angry, confused and depressed ...i didnt know i was the other woman til i was so in love with the man i couldnt imagine life without him in it. i dont know where to turn how to move forward or how to deal with all the emotions that i am feeling please help me

if he belongs to someone else, if he is married, than he is simply not yours to have. bottom line. i am sure it is hard once emotions get into the way. but take it from all of us betrayed spouses, the wounds of an affair are long and hard to heal. you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU DO TO THE WIFE OF A MARRIED MAN YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH.

get out of the relationship and get some counseling so you can move on.

mlhb