I recently married a wonderful woman who I think the world of and love like no other before. I never realized what love truly was until I met her. She is the sweetest woman you could ever meet and genuinely so. We dated for about a year and a half before wedding.
We talked about our past and avoided the specifics of our sexual histories. I'm a big fan of the ostrich method. I know a woman in her mid-twenties has a sexual past and I told her I didn't really want to know about it. She made a joking comment about one of her past exploits to a friend in front of me and I told her that I didn't want to know about those sort of things. I know myself to well. The past is the past. We are the future, lets leave it at that.
Besides, she had shared with me that she never even kissed a boy until she was 18 and didn't even lose her virginity until she was 21. She said that she had dated a few guys and that usually she was the one driving her friends home at the end of the night and keeping them out of trouble.
Well, after we were married we were talking about her mother's lastest love interest and my wife said she didn't approve of her mother having "relations" with yet another man. She told me of a story about when her mother first found out that my wife was sexually active and reminded her of maintaining her virtue. Her mother stated that she could count the number of men she had been with in her life on one hand. Jenifer quipped to me, "I may not be on one hand any more but at least I'm not on my toes."
This got my mind to wondering. I thought I knew her better than that. So I asked the question that no man should ever ask: how many? I figured it was better to finally talk about it then to let my imagination complete the story. She told me that she had slept with seven other men before me.
We had a nice conversation about it. I didn't ask for details but she said that she had dated all of them for at least a month and there were no one night stands. She was doing a lot of partying with the gals amd there seems to have been a bit of peer pressure from her girlfriends. It seemed like what couples at that age were doing so she decided it was time to do it to.
She said she was naive and a little to trusting. They seemed like nice guys until they got what they wanted or until she realized that sex was all that they wanted. She said she had been hurt, learned her lessons and stopped sleeping with anyone else until we started dating.
Now relatively speaking, seven isn't a very high number. Believe me, I'm no angel and I've dated some scandolous woman in my day. However, it was the time frame. After losing her virginity she slept with six more guys over the next eighteen months. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me five more times...
She was raised better than that. She was ashamed of her sexual history because it was against her better judgement and she kept it from me because she was embarrased and did't want to lose me. She said I am the first man she has ever said, "I love you" to and if she could do it all again she wouldn't have behaved the same way. I believe her but I am still unable to get over the shock.
I think she was searching for love and compromised her values in an attempt to find it... [edited by Nokomis] I don't know which is true and her unwillingness to provide information doesn't resolve anything. I love her and will never leave her. She knows that but I am tormented by the thoughts of what she was doing during that time.
She is loving and bashful during our love making. I don't see her as being some man [edited by Nokomis] out for a good time. She becomes embarassed and blushes whenever her and I speak of our shared experiences with each other in the bedroom. If only she would share with me the relationships she had with these men and what happened I'm sure it's not as bad as what my idle mind conjures up.
The problem is is that the first conversation about it was pleasant. The second time we talked about it she was a little more defensive and we promised never to speak of it again. We were going to let the past remain the past. However, some of her stories didn't jive with things she had told me before and I felt compelled for her to tell me the truth regardless of what our previous agreement was. She was angry and hurt but she was a little more forthright with her answers gave me an alibi on my promise and we sealed the topic yet again.
My problem is this. I still have questions and it is a distraction to the relationship. I'll be blunt. I use to go to bed and wake up in the morning thinking nothing but happy thoughts and feeling blessed to have finally met the love of my life. Now I wake up thinking "seven" and what the ****** she was doing for that year and a half.
Any sage advice besides, "Get over it. The past is the past so focus on the future." Do I find a way of opening up the conversation again in order to ease my heartache? But the price of that conversation would be to futher hurt and shame her and I do not want to do that. I have treated her no differently since we have had those conversations and she is happy as a lark thinking that everything is fine... but it's not. I do not doubt her fidelity or her love for me but I wish I hadn't made that stupid promise.
This is all knew information gained within the past couple of weeks and I know that time heals all wounds. I'm sure this will be a laughable matter ten years from now. But right now it hurts.

Oh wow, can I ever relate to some of what you're feeling!!!

I recently married the most wonderful man I have ever had the blessing to have known. We are very happy and compatible in ways I've never experienced.

We have many mutual friends/acquaintances, and that's actually how we met. That is where my one and only pain in our relationship comes from...

He was involved before we met with a woman I've known all my life. We were never close friends, but travelled in the same circles. To be honest (and I felt this way before I ever met DH) there really isn't whole lot I can say about her that is nice...nothing springs to mind. She's dumb as a rock, and it's a well known fact that she is, to be blunt, a [edited by Nokomis - this term is not acceptable].
They had an on again/off again (mostly off) relationship for over a year, during which time she cheated on him more than once.
Anyway, it KILLS me that he was with her. I close my eyes and imagine him with her...sharing what we share, and it literally makes me ill. I've NEVER been a jealous woman so I don't even understand why I feel so strongly about this. It's completely unlike me...

The catch 22 is that it gives me some comfort knowing he never loved her or shared the emotions we do, but them I'm thrown to the disgusting idea that something about their physical relationship was enough to keep him coming back to her even though she cheated repeatedly...

We have a very beautiful imtimate relationship, but it's starting to be affected by the thoughts of them I often have. I don't know why it's getting worse, but it is. Not a single intimate encounter with him goes by without moments when my brain flashes to the two of them. It hurts so deeply I can't express it.
It's not his fault, I mean this was all before we met and no one can change their past...I hate that I feel the way I do...I don't even know what to do about it. Time seems to be making it worse, not better.

Some people can handle it, some can't. Some get the vicarious thrill out of it, some are really bothered by it.

There isn't any real hard and fast rule that I'm aware of.

Be that as it may, since you say you're a fan of the ostrich method, but then are bothered by being kept in the dark, that narrows it down to 2 choices. Your'e a liar, or you're really bothered.

Either way, it sounds like honest exploration is probably the best choice. That doesn't mean that the details have to be lurid, "Oh yeah, then he did me while we swung from jungle vines and I had on my leather dominatrix outfit and he still had the ball gag...". But at whatever level you find comfortable. At least at this moment in time, you seem to want more details than you have, but certailny too many can be painful.

Eventually, the whole experience may be painful for a while, but better to drain that wound now, than have it be a festering sore that becomes a serious problem later.

Jaye, my integrity is not in question. Perhaps I did not adequately convey the fact that I told her I didn't want to know about her sexual history. And yet things slipped out which aroused my curiousity because the information was incongruous with the woman I knew and who she claimed to be during that period of her life.
I do agree with you that it is possible to talk about the relationship without hearing the lurid details. I could learn how they met, how he treated her, and why they broke up. And yesterday on the phone I think we may have started slowly down that path.
As her fears of losing me subside and as I continue to treat her as lovingly as ever before she may slowly open up and be willing to have those conversations in the future.

I wasn't questioning your integrity. My point as actually the opposite. You wouldn't lie to yourself. So keeping your head in the sand (ostrich principle) isn't really an option.

Ultimately, honesty (even in the form of radical), and openness stand a much greater chance of success then secrets and hidden things...

So I think you're on exactly the right track.

What do you think you are going to gain from prusuing this conversation with your wife? If she has no problem answering these questions then that would be be a different issue. This line of questioning seems to be upsetting her, and if you are going to do that the results that you expect better be worth it.

I see no value from prusuing this topic. You know how many guys she slept with. Do you want names, number of times, postitions? If you got this info. would you really feel better. I know that that much detail would make me feel horrible.

Anyway, good luck and think carefully about how much information you really need.

This is a tricky situation.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and with her. The thing that I think you need to come clean with yourself about isn’t whether or not you want to know these things but, instead, whether or not there is ANYTHING she can tell you that will substantially change your desire to commit to this relationship. In other words, if she DID swing from the ceiling while wearing her dominatrix outfit etc, would your opinion of her be so changed that your relationship would be forever altered in a negative way?

The sad scenario that I sometimes see played out on this board is someone (often a man but it’s not gender specific) finds out something about their significant other’s past which haunts him. The real problem with that is, of course, what’s done is done. There ARE no options to undo what really happened. And, once the knowledge is there – it can’t be erased. It can turn into a lifetime of hurt and anger between people if they let it.

My sincere advice to you is to first: be really honest with yourself about whether or not you really DO believe that there isn’t anything she can tell you that would change your mind about her. Your fascination with this topic seems to indicate otherwise.

If you decide it really DOESN’T matter. Then drop it. After all, you said it doesn’t matter and there’s no sense picking open her old wounds.

If you decide it really DOES matter. Then find out EVERYTHING without making ANY promises about accepting the relationship first. DO NOT get married until you have completely processed and gotten over any misgivings you might have. I can’t emphasize that enough. If you go into a committed relationship with your girlfriend while holding things she can not change over her head, you are NOT BEING LOVING. You are signing her up for a lifetime of grief and regret at your hands.

The most stressful position any human being can be put in is to have total responsibility for something that they can not possibly change. The ethical thing to do would be to not put her in that position. Assuming you aren't able to get over her past (and that is a very large assumption at this point) I'm sure that if she's the gem you describe her to be SOME other man will be able to and will be able to give her a loving life where she won't be filled with regret.

I wish you the best of luck,

Mys

This is why radical honest starts BEFORE marriage, so any issues can be thoroughly aired and dealt with, since you did not do so, you now experience the natural consequences of that choice. However, the solution is pretty clear, you (both) practice radical honesty now, and fully answer the others questions. There is apparently going to be conflict over this, that suggests a competent therapist should be included. If you so this properly, it will run it's course, and the marriage will be stronger...if not, if will be a sore festering for a lifetime.

You need to be a "safe" listener, and she needs to be willing to be vulnerable about something that feels dangerous to her (losing your respect and love), if you two can free yourselves of the negative stuff, will be beneficial. It sounds like the issue has hardened somewhat into a conflict over honesry vs defensiveness, your first job is to reassure her, and her job is to understand that you have the feelings you have, and be willing to work through them with you, without being defensive.

Concerns about what an individuals sexual history says about the person are well-founded, such history is a predictor of future behavior, so it is reasonable to want to fully process this. Youthful misteps are worthy of being forgiven and assessed as learning experiences not to be repeated. She was clearly promiscuous, not a good thing, but it was over a fairly short period of time, she did (apparently) experience regret and remorse, and start changing her ways....you chose to marrry her without this information, a big mistake... but the process is the same, you must look at her character and decide whether she has moved on from this, never to make such choices again...or is indicative of a weakness women often have, that being a willingness (for whatever reason) to use sex as a means of getting of male committment..the third option, that she is a sex addict seems unlikely from what you have said.

Well, we have spoken. She did open up some more. She explained that she had grown tired of being passed over by men and being told that, "You're so sweet, your going to make someone a great wife some day?" So she decided to step up her relationships in hopes of keeping them around.
Some of the guys where nice but moved away, as often happens when you live near a military base. Some became a little to possessive or with others things just didn't work out after a couple of months.
The first guy she slept with turned out to be engaged. The next guy moved away and she had a pregnancy scare (she was a little late but it proved to be nothing) I asked based on your beliefs and upbringing, the first guy deceiving you and a pregnancy scare why didn't you stop then? She said she's not quite sure.
She doesn't have much of a relationship with her father, at the time her mother (whom she had always been very close to) was to preoccupied with her own relationships. She thinks she was looking for that attention she was missing from her mother, and willing to compromise her value and become intimate with a new boyfriend in order to obtain it. And if the guy didn't move away, or the relationship wasn't going poorly for any other reason she would then begin to fear the relationship and break it off.
It pains her to bring up that period of her life because when she finally remembered who she was and took perspective of her behavior she was disgusted with herself. She was apologetic and said that she wished none of it had happened and that she has repressed most of those memories because it wasn;t her. She didn't have a "suck it up, this is who I am" attitude.
I think I have enough information to reconcile the girl I know and love with that girl from back then and move on with our lives. The hardest part was that I had put her on such a high pedestal. I wasn't oblivious. Of course she had a past but she wasn't proud of her behavior and kept it from me for fear of my reaction. I can understand that. Who begins a new relationship and starts talking about all of their exes? Then after you have been together for a while and have finally fallen in love with the man of your dreams why would you even bother bringing it up?
I just felt a little deceived and untrusted with the truth. Did I mention that I am stationed half way around the world, I get a little lonely, and my mind sometimes dwells on dumb stuff. She has bared her soul to me, and knowing her as I do, I have no reason not to believe her. What she told me is the story that my rational side had postulated. However, my angry lonely side was getting the better of me. I was just understandably shocked and reacted poorly.
She is coming to stay with me for a while here in Korea and I'm sure all of this will be the last thing on my mind. I believe we will be fine and I appreciate all of the level headed advice and concern provided by the respondents to this thread. Please continue to comment. I am particulary interested in hearing from women who have found themselves in similar situations who can offer some insight. Thanks to all.

I'm a female newlywed (8 months) in my late 30's.
When my husband and I were dating I was so afraid he would leave after he found out who I really was. So I told him alot, including things in my past and also past sexual history. I would rather he left sooner then later so actually tried to scare him away. But he loved me anyway and stayed with me and we married last fall.
My husband told me before we married that I almost scared him away and that I was sharing too much information. I finally relaxed and stopped telling him things. I was trusting that he was going to stay with me and I felt that he would overlook my past.
In the early months of our marriage he would tell me I had no morals. He would give an example that I was college educated but I didn't try hard in school. I did goof off in college and I did tell him that. Also, I had children with someone that I would not marry. I know that was a terrible mistake and regret it sincerely. He treats me like he still loves me and I think he does. He knew all of this before we married.
Recently he asked me haw many men I had been with and I pretended not to hear and I didn't answer him. I don't want to tell him now, the thought is making me very uncomfortable. He hasn't pushed it or brought it up again.
We were both raised Catholic. His family is very religious but he no longer attends mass since his divorce. He is 13 years older than me.

I am going to say what my therapist ALWAYS says...
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?? IT DOESN'T MATTER!

I, too, didn't talk with my H about his sexual past. Frankly, I knew it would drive me nuts because he is 7 years older than me and I knew that he had "history." Heck, I really didn't expect him to be a hermit crab. And neither was I.

I can only count the number of guys I have been with on one hand. And thats including my H. I didn't have sex with my H until we were engaged and that was after a month of knowing each other. To us, TO ME, nothing else mattered. No past could destroy the way I felt. It didn't matter. We were married a year to the day of meeting each other in a big church wedding.....that was 6 years ago.

OK. I finally got H to tell me how he lost his virginity shortly after we had our second child this past March. I was always sooooo shy about sex, always wondering what he was thinking and such...it wasn't until after our children were born that I finally "got comfortable." I found out that he had lost it at 17 to an older woman. I got some detail of it...which just floored me. I kept thinking of that Garth Brooks song...you know the one and kept playing that one line over and over and over again about how he "rarely held another that I didn't see her face!" Then all ****** broke loose a few weeks after that when H got papers from Child Support Recovery for a 7 and a half year old boy that H didn't know existed. It has been one long road and the child is indeed his. I think about how stupid he was and wanted to know every detail of their relationship. I still wake up wondering and wondering if the sex we have is better than theirs...wondering if he touched her like he touches me. And thats when it comes down to
WHAT DOES IT MATTER<<<<IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT WAS ALL BEFORE YOU! And I think to myself my H wouldn't be the man he is today if it wasn't for that "broken" road before me. My past either.

I will have to deal with my H's past because of this child...but you have nothing to deal with because of your W's past.

Let it go. You too have a past. Ever think that if you told her the number of women you have been with that she wouldn't wake up with the same feelings as you??

I tell myself something like this everyday....

She picked you. She is the one she wants to be with. She loves you and that makes all the difference in the world. When she touches you, its with love behind it. Everything is NEW with you because she is in love and because its with you. The past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it....don't let it ruin your future.

I tend to babble....hope this helps a little...

I think sometimes we do ourselves the worst damage, by bringing ghosts into our marriages. Our spouse doesn't do it; we do. I was guilty of it, at the beginning of my marriage.
My husband has two children with another woman to whom he had a brief marriage -- because he had children with her, she will always exist as part of their lives, and we must deal with her. But it is important to know that he slept with her, married her, reproduced with her -- long before he and I ever knew each other.
By the time we married, she didn't exist for him anymore. I was the one who was guilty of bringing that ghost into my marriage. I love this man very much, and we're happy in our marriage, and we're trying to have a family of our own together. But I gave this woman too much real estate in my head, simply because he'd reproduced with her. (When you are trying to conceive, it is amazing how painful it can be to see that your spouse reproduced with someone else, and you're hoping that the two of you can together.) It affected us, at the beginning. Until my husband and I were talking, and he pointed out that I was the only one who had ever mentioned her. I was sabotaging us with the past, NOT him. And he could tell me until he was blue in the face, that he made a bad choice when he was young, and he would never do it again, but that things were the way they were, and he couldn't change them. But I was like a bulldog with a bone until he showed me what I was doing. We both had pasts, but he wasn't letting mine into our marriage, but I was "punishing" him for his by letting it affect us. That was many months ago, and I've not brought her up since.

One thing that I told myself is, that he was tricked into the first child and the marriage(which was true); the second child was also unplanned (also true). But with me, my husband wants a family enough to go to all this effort to conceive. He never did that for anyone else. Just for us.

The ghost is out of our house, and our marriage is better.

Your wife chose other men long before she knew there was a YOU. She would not be with them again. Maybe you have to kick the ghosts out of your home...

All,

I do not want to interfere with the subject matter being discussed on this thread. While discussing this topic, do not use derogatory terms for people. If you have any doubt as to the terms to which I am referring, you can view the edits I made above.

Regards,
Nokomis

My story is a bit different. I met my husband after he had moved to my city after breaking it off with his current girlfriend. Over the next few months we really hit it off and became best friends and greatly in love. The only glitch was that his ex continued to call and even showed up on his doorstep. He ended up moving back due to "guilt" and left without hardly saying a word to me. Almost two months later, he starting phoning me again and saying that he was sorry, that everything was a mistake and that it was over between them. He told me how much he cared about me.......
Well a few weeks after that I received a letter stating that his ex was pregnant--It floored my world and ripped out my heart.
To make a long story short, he moved back to where I was living shortly after that and has never met the child. We married when the child was only a few months old. He does make support payments but has never spoke or seen the child.
We have fought much about this. It has been hard because at one time my husband was even a pastor--so this all does not go very well thus making me seem very isolated and alone in it all.
Lately though he has been corresponding weekly with her --sometimes several times a week. He says it is all business but after 15 years I am thinking his guilt is playing a factor in it all and he actually wants to be a part of their lives now. I am emotionally crumbling inside. I have felt that I have lived a lie with all this for years and our three kids together do not even know about this child. Now he seems to be pursuing this relationship with her.
What should I do as I am at the point of calling it quits.
I am sure I am overreacting but I am having a hard time with the trust element and always have.
thanks

Post deleted by notsohappyhubby

Life is, simply put, a path. With each fork in the road, we chose, we change, we grow. Had you met your dw before her "wild" period, you may not have fallen for the person she was. And she may not have fallen for you. Whether or not she regrets her decisions, she gained a priceless education on herself and became the person for whom you did fall. Her past helped sculpt the person she is today. You can cherish who she IS w/o judging who she WAS.

My H & I have been married for 16 years. We met when I was 16 he was 18. I knew he had a "sexual history", and it really bothered me. I was young, I asked some questions, but I wish I would have asked more. Like I don't know the number of partners he has had. The only smart thing I did was made him get tested for any std's. We didn't have sex until we were engaged about 1+ year later. I even think he may have cheated on me during our courtship, I suspected back then, but I was young he always made me feel good so it took away my fears. He has ALWAYS denied this. His past has always been in the back of my mind. It seems to bother me more now because we live in the same town he grew up in and our kids go to the same schools he did. I hate the feeling every time we are at a school function & he says hi to a girl, I always have to ask, "did you have sex with her?" I dont think knowing more back then would have changed my mind about marrying him because I didn't think the way I do now, but if I were to date him now & these things came up I don't think I would want to get to know him anymore & wouldn't continue a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love my H very much & I don't regret marrying him, but it is hard to deal with. I try to ask him questions now and he doesn't like to answer them. He says it's in the past, he's sorry for it and wishes he could change it, he also says he can't remember its been 20 years ago. i do agree, I made my bed, I need to lie in it. I like what the last poster said, If you don't like a previous chapter in someones life, write a new one. We have, but it's still hard to forget.

I know what you are going through. My Fiance over her life time has had 11 partners/boyfriends and 1 husband and all of them have cheated on her except me. I know I can't heal her past and at times my stomach turns when I think about the choices she made when she was 19-25 years old(she is 34 now). But, what I can do is be the most loving person she has ever known by not judging the past and projecting it into our future (Toughest thing I have tried to do). We don't talk about her past much because it is painful for both of us and I still struggle with it. If you are a person with a faith in God, you know that grace is what we all need even if you were like me and waited to have sex until marriage the first time at age 24. My X cheated on me with her boss and who knows who else. I know the pain of being cheated on and I know the pain of dealing with a person's sexual past. All you can do is try to love your wife like Jesus loves you! Focus on the positive and let time heal your pain.


Remember everytime you start to think about her past say a prayer and ask God to give you grace and help you love her like he loves you.

The past is not worth destroying the future you have with your wife!!! It gets beter. My X wife had a extensive sexual past that made me puke once. I got over it and spent 7.5 years married before she cheated.

I am getting married to my best friend in August and I can't wait to treat her right!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Luck and God Bless,

J11J5

"I just felt a little deceived and untrusted with the truth. Did I mention that I am stationed half way around the world."



I have to say, you said you didnt want to know so you really have no reason to feel decieved. And also you said you were no angel and I myself was in the Army, so I have no doubt of the number of girls you had access to... lol Are you planning on sharing your sexual history with her in exchange for hers? Do you think she will hold it against you? Or feel any differently? That would be something to think about

I have been watching this thread for a while, and I have to say that it disturbs me.

First, let me say that the hypocrisy (double standard) is sickening...and I'm not just meaning the first post; however, I will quote it.


So...the women are scandalous (spelling error in the quote is not mine), but you are not? It takes two to tango, but only one - the female - gets labelled and judged. I've also seen words like "******" and "slut" used on this thread, although they appear to have been moderated. These words are reserved for groups we devalue - mostly women and gays - to judge them for behavior that is found perfectly acceptable by others - mostly men.

Second, someone's sexual past is not yours to judge or criticize. I think it is relevant in terms of being safe and discussion of diseases, etc, but it is not yours to judge or cast aspersions over. Any man who would do this is not a man I would care to be with. I have been with only one virgin in my life, and I have never judged men for not being one...or for their sexual past. I expect the same consideration in return. The chauvanism and sexism on this thread is palpable and repugnant.

Third, I have no reason to be ashamed of my sexual past. I am a sexually reproducing, biological being with needs and desires - just like everyone else. If it weren't for sex, none of us would exist.

Fourth, if you cannot stand the idea that your partner has been with someone else and may be comparing, maybe you should refine your technique. No one is obliged to make you his/her only sexual partner to spare you the knowledge of prior sex or to bolster your ego and spare you possible mental comparisons. If you are that unsure of your performance, study the Kama Sutra, Tantra, etc.

Fifth, if and when I marry a man, I'm pledging to share my future with him and to reserve my ENs for him to meet. He pledges the same in return. I'm not pledging my past, nor am I giving ownership of me to him.

Finally, if you specifically request not to be given information, and you later discover that information - the person has not manipulated you or deceived you - he/she has done what you asked.

Duh. Get over yourself already.