First time posting here in a very long time. My husband is leaving home. Actually, he hasn’t left yet… he's going to sell our house so he can have one of his own and I can have one of my own. But he has told me it’s a done deal. We have been working on our marriage in counseling for 3 years now, and although I had asked him to not give up and had high hopes that things were getting better, he doesn’t agree. Most days, he acts like things ARE getting better… sent me flowers for my birthday, calls me frequently during the day, we have good enjoyable conversation. But then lately, twice, he has turned an about-face and said that nothing is working, we don’t talk, we don’t do things together, we aren’t working out. What?!?. Tonight, I think I agreed to acquiesce... I’m tired of fighting what seems to be the inevitable, tired of swimming upstream, trying to keep someone here who clearly doesn't wanna be. Many of the things he says don’t make sense to me, but I’m sure they make perfect sense to him. He doesn’t think he has what it takes to make me happy and doesn’t really want to even try. He’s “out of gas”. I don’t blame him, really. I just wanted to make it work… for the kids, for us, because we do love each other. I guess love really isn’t enough sometimes. Anyway, I’m gonna need lots of support and advice. We have young kids who are going to be devastated and I just want to handle this the right way for their emotional well-being. They are all that really matter to me now. How can I navigate through this without ruining their lives (as my parents’ divorce ruined mine?) I can only imagine their tears. Mine have already been shed, I don't have any more for myself. I know I will be happier without the stress of a failing marriage - if I can only be assured they will be too.

Read what you can on the site to help you understand.
You are actually ahead of the game, by going to counseling, you know you likely did all you could. You have also likely begun the grieving process for the end of the marriage.
You can help the children by helping yourself. Take care of yourself and you will parent them better. There are many great books out there for the children. And, there's a children support group. www.rainbows.org.
If you find a local divorce support group for yourself, you may find people who can help you and your family through this process.
Good Luck.

Thanks, newly. Your sig line sounds like my situation a little. My H lost his father at 10, never grieved, suppressed emotions - used to be a happy guy, carefree, but "flatliner" - never got upset about anything. B/c of my dysfunctions, I interpreted that as love (he didn't get mad at me for screwing up... he MUST love me!). Now he is in counseling, starting to experience emotion (internally - still not externally) and he is the most pessimistic person I've known in a long time. Glass half empty, assumes what I think or feel w/o asking me. I am conflict avoidance also. All this means trouble. Now I want intimacy we never had and he says he doesn't know how and at the same time I'm not meeting his wants and needs. He's told me what they are and I've actively tried (w/ exception of sex, which I can't get going w/o his help). No matter how many I meet, it's not enough. I think really sex is prob the biggest issue but he won't say it.

I'm coming to the understanding this is probably the best thing for US. Divorce destroyed my life as a kid, I would stay together regardless if he would for my kids. I don't want them hurt. I want them healthy and happy. It's what I live for, they are what I live for. But I also know that this relationship has never really provided for me the connection I need - it was safe so when I was young, I got into it. I don't care about safe anymore, I want someone who loves me and can express it. My H says he isn't capable of that expression in ways I can understand. I'm so torn about what to do - even though he isn't really giving me a chance. I guess I feel like I could go all out (aka have sex w/ him under any circumstances) to try and convince him to stay but then I'm selling myself out. Nevertheless, I'm considering it.

My H is my best friend - maybe always will be. This won't be ugly, we are 100% in sync with the kids and NEVER undermine each other with them. He's a great person and I've been fortunate to know him, much less have kids w/ him. We just can't function at a level to make a marriage work I guess. I'm trying to understand how this could be so.

I will read more books, I have read countless over the last 3 years, upon recommendations. Reading "Good Divorce" now. Makes it sound so positive, so do-able. Can't imagine based on my childhood experience. Any help is desperately requested. Thx!

Oh my! I could have just about written your whole story about myself and my first husband! That whole "safe" thing. The "best friend", "lucky to have known him...had him father our children".

I started to change as a result of going for individual counseling. I began opening up to my feelings and emotions more. I started to feel like going to him for emotional love and support was like going to an empty well. And having got a taste of my feelings and desire for true intimacy...I didn't want to just settle. I acknowledged to him that I was the one who had changed the "rules", the relationship dynamics, of our marriage. He refused to go for marital or individual counseling until things were long over for me emotionally. And then he still didn't change! He said that his counselor said "he was just fine" and besides, HE was happy with who HE was, even if I wasn't...

I am the one who finally filed for divorce. I, too, didn't want to put our two sons through a divorce just because I wasn't happy. But I got sicker and sicker, emotionally and physically, over a 3 year time frame of trying to make it work. I developed major depression and chronic fatigue syndrome. I was very close to suiciding at one point, feeling that I had nothing to offer my husband or sons anymore. I was of little use to any of my family by that time!

We hired a private, professional "divorce mediator" for our divorce process. It made things go a whole lot easier emotionally...as well as financially and property wise. It wasn't just one attorney against another trying to "win". It was us as a "couple" creating a new vision for our divorced "family" life together..since we would always have our sons in common. Many, many, people have told us that my ex and I have handled our divorce situation exceptionally well...in terms of placing our children's needs and best interest first. It was hard on our sons, but what made it hard was the loss of the "family" that we had been, and not so much the divorce process and aftermath itself.

I still often wish I could have stayed and "made it work". But, I couldn't. My mind and body proved that to me. And I'm glad that I did leave the marriage. I've had no desire to be with him as my husband again. It's interesting, however, I still feel kind of "safe" when I'm around him and we're discussing the kids and day to day things! And we've been divorced for 11 years!

I hope that you and your husband can find a pathway through all of this that will minimize your pain..and especially the pain of your children. It's a challenging journey.

Heartmending...
Wow, uncanny resemblence. I would love to chat more about our specific situations, I think your story would really benefit me a lot. We even started doing mediation about 9 months ago when he first suggested divorce (6 mo. ago I told him I didn't want to split, I wanted to continue to try and make things work and he didn't say one way or the other what he wanted, only that he didn't think I could meet his wants or needs) so we've got something else in common. I didn't particularly like the mediator we were going to, she was bullying me into agreeing to swap weeks at home so we could be separated sooner and it upset me that someone would push me to move out of my own home every other week.
Any way, same as your sit, my H won't talk about his counseling... never has. I ask him questions and he just won't answer. The only thing he has ever told me in 3 years of individual counseling is that she says she doesn't understand why he can't just say things that are on his mind to me. Other than that, I have no idea what goes on in those sessions. Just another example of how cut off we are, which is why he says we must split. But he's the one cutting off from me now, and always has. I've done a great job of enabling him over the years... I see that now.

I trust that your kids turned out okay. I fear the worst and hope for the best with mine. The process won't be ugly, but divorce is hard no matter how "nice" parents keep it. In the long run, they will be fine. I'm just not sure if I can make it through the pain we will have caused them. Like you, I've had times where I've thought disappearing is the only way to go. But I know that they need me and that's all my life is worth but it's enough.

Aryn,

There is a perfect reason that your husband is leaving you. I will not stand for an asking-for-it victim. Sorry, if I sound rough. Look, you leave so many clues. YOU DO NOT LOVE AND VALUE YOUR HUSBAND. Seemed like your husband tried really hard: “sent me flowers for my birthday, calls me frequently during the day, we have good enjoyable conversation.”

You don’t give your Husband any love or caring in return. I bet you don’t even make love or have any sincerity to your husband. No wonder: “he has turned an about-face and said that nothing is working, we don’t talk, we don’t do things together, we aren’t working out.”

Look at your ATTITUDE: “What?!?,” “I’m tired of fighting what seems to be the inevitable, tired of swimming upstream…,” “I just wanted to make it work…” “I guess love really isn’t enough sometimes. Anyway,” “They are all that really matter to me now.” “my parents’ divorce ruined mine.”

You are a Mental Case. You are confused. You pity yourself too much. You were devastated by your parents’ divorce, now you are justifying it for your kids. That is a very sorry Mom.

Please prove me wrong. Anyone out there, please prove me wrong.

Halo

Aryn/Flygirl,

I don't have much time to comment, but I did want to say something to you. I am an FWS who confessed her A as well. My M did not work out either. But there seems to be a fundamental difference in our situations.

For a while, I was like you....waiting for my H to change, improve, provide me with everything I needed to be happy. Honestly, it wasn't until about 8 months into recovery that I realized something EXTREMELY important.

I am responsible for making myself happy. Period. End of story.

I went back this morning, and read almost all of your posts. And to be honest, what I interpreted is that you have made a self-fulfilling prophesy. You did not express much faith in the M from the very inception of your posting here. Most of your posts are spent talking about how you aren't 'in love' with your H, and how he doesn't live up to everything you want in an H.

So here's the deal. If he isn't what you want in an H or in an M......then why are you posting what you did here?

My M was not at all healthy. And I did not want an unhealthy M. After a little over a year in 'recovery', I began to notice that the 'fundamentals' for a healthy M were not being built. So even before I found out my H had his own EA, I chose to separate. I had learned to establish my own boundaries for my M....and basically that consisted of respect and complete honesty. Trust would have to come later (and be earned) because of my failure by having an A.

He was unable to do that. And for a while, I didn't understand why he 'couldn't' - I truly believed he had it in him to forgive me, and work on the M. But you know what? He had his own personal issues, and couldn't give to me because he hadn't learned to give to himself yet. And I now understand how he didn't have the 'tools'.

So I had to learn how to make myself independent and happy. We separated in August of 2004. I learned of his EA in Oct 2004. We finally finalized the D in May 2005. But we spoke about our shortcomings in the M. I spoke about my weaknesses as a W. I did a lot of soul searching on where I needed to improve myself. And how I could become a stronger person. I had to realize and begin practicing 'healthy' habits in relationships.....I wasn't ready for a romantic one, so I practiced on friends, coworkers, and in counseling.

Here, and I hate to say it, but I agree with Hope. You seem to be playing a 'victim' role. A role I was all too familiar with playing during the beginning of my recovery. But you are partially responsible for putting yourself in that role.

How do you take yourself out? Be proud of what you are standing up for in an M. If your H is not participating in the basic practices of a healthy M....then take ownership of wanting out of the M. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, or you won't grieve. But be proud that you are standing up for yourself and your standards. I did - and although getting D'ed was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was also what I needed to do. Because my H didn't yet have the 'equipment' to be healthy. And our M would have failed again in the future.

You need to really ask yourself what you want in an M - and not the things like 'his appearance' or 'whether he moved back in, or you asked him to, or whether he just came back and never left'. I mean does he respect you? Is he a good father? Is he honest with you?

And if he is none of that....then be proud that you are setting standards for your M. And don't be the victim in the failure of your M. Be a participant in making a healthy decision.

JMVHO.