My ex is going on a rampage and I need some advice. To make a long story short ex left two years ago said he was in love with another woman. We have 3 young children.

Every time I call him to see if he can look after them to work he is busy or whatever. I work as a nurse and I am called in for lots of evenings and weekends. He will not take them to sports and suggests that if I put them in them then I should arrange the transportaion there when I am working. During the times he did not care for the kids I have had generous help from my sister inlaw and brother inlaw who had them overnight and took them to thier sporting events. He has made numerous threats that because I talk with his sister that she has been spreading rumors about him and the other woman. Then one day he wanted to come by and pick up the youngest from his sister but she felt uncomfortable. He then called his brother inlaw and the two of them argued and the brother inlaw swore at him and some words were said. Now my ex is saying he does not want the children near either of them and is threating to report them to social services for what..... I am not sure. I planned to go camping with then and now he is dictating that If I take them he will have the police escort them out of the campground on the grounds of the phone call and the fact that he may have a few beer at the campsite. My ex is out of control, and is going to ruin the kids summer plans. I am going to call the police myself could I get a restraing order? I am afraid he may show up at the campground and worry that the two of them will have a fight!

Also he is crying the blues that I am asking for 65% of the sale of our home to keep the kids in the same school district. In our area there are no duplexes or any townhomes that I may purchase because we live in a rural community. Does anyone know if the judges ever award us with the whole house under these circumstances. If my ex would only help out and help with the kids, and take them to sports things may work out and maybe I could still drive them to school, if I move to the next nearest town. Where I live right now I have the help of grandma and my sister inlaw who helps out. Any advice?

have you kept a journal of his refusal to tend to his children's needs? dates, times that he has refused, etc. as well as the manner in which he refused?

That would neutralize his threats just a bit.

Also, if your SIL and BIL care for their children well, and yours, there is no endangerment, no neglect, etc. then social services will not look kindly on being used to further a family argument.

A consult with an attorney would be in order right now.

Ignore the threats they are meant to hurt you and likely will not be followed through.
While documenting time is good, it sometimes means nothing in court.
I had a similar experience with threats. That's why my tag line says "approach life from a point of love, not from a point of fear". Do what you believe is best for the kids. Take them camping.

Sadly, the police can be very helpful in these situations. Make them aware of the circumstances. Let them know that you are going through a D, and it is acrimonious and that X has threatened to call them if you take them camping, or if SIL watches them. If you've made them aware of the situation, they will know your side if he does choose to make that call (likely he won't). The police are trained to resolve domestic disputes amicably and calm both sides down.

This is controlling behavior you are dealing with. Some counseling on emotional abuse would help you. See if there is a local women's crisis center to help you and the kids deal with these emotions. Also, try to find a local divorce support group too.

I never thought I'd be on a first name basis with my local cops, but I was, and they were very sensitive to the matter. They talked me out of a restraining order (though I wish they hadn't) because they were aware of the situation. They advised me that although I had a letter saying I had occupancy of the house, that they couldn't keep X out. They told me to put a note on every window advising that if anyone was asked to change the locks, to call the police first. But again, they said they wouldn't be able to do anything.
Mostly, the police don't want to see anything escalate to violence, particularly in the presence of children. They can help.

Thanks for the replys. I have a journal which I have written all the times he has or has not taken them. I am getting tired of it all. He changes his mind all the time. Last week he said he was going to take them every other weekend, now he says he is only taking them Mon, Wed, from 2:30 until 4:00 and Friday until 2:30 until 6:00. These hours do not help me get in any time at work. I asked him if I get called in tommorow to work will he help out and he said no. Two Of my babysitters now have full time summer jobs and I will no longer be able to rely on them. I am not sure how I work during the summer. My ex said it is cheaper for him if I do not work at all which makes no sense. Spousal support will ge down the more I work but he does not want to pay his share of the daycare and we have added it into the court papers as special expenses because I do not see any commitment and he feels I should pay for all the babysitters. Bottom line He wants his cake and eat it too.

I agree to him having controling behaviour just the other day he said I was controlling him by asking him if he will take the kids to their sports if I am working. He said I am cotrolling him by putting them in sports and then expecting him to take them If I work. This does not make any sense.

I called the police but because we are both entitled to see the kids there is not much they can do. If he comes by my home and trys to take the kids from me on the day of camping the police said they would come out and try to sort things out. Just what kind of father would have his kids escorted out of a campground with the police when he know I am there and there is nothing wrong with his brother and sister inlaw.

I also think he taping my calls. He has locked me out of the shop and he went in there today. Then two minutes later he calls me and trys to tell me that he never said this or that about changing the days he was to have the kids, and he was talking all nice and calm, something he usually does not do.

Ok I need to know if you all think I am being unreasonable because my ex is driving me crazy.

Ok we are going to court because we cannot agree, I am asking for 65% of the sale of the house to stay in the childrens district. Everything else is 50/50. When I ask him to look after the children while I work it is always so on and off sometimes he does it next time it's no way and he wants me to pay him to care for them.

As for the kids I wanted to have joint custody and because he works nights that whenever I work he had them until 7:00 in the evenings, take them to sports if they had them and then a babysitter would come to my home where he would drop them off, he works nights. And then he could have them every other weekend or on his nights off whichever suits him. Now he claims that It's all for me I swear he does not want me to have any time to myself, He mentioned how on the last weekend he had them that I went out for dinner, is that a crime? Am I not entitled to time for myself once in a while? He wants me to work full time and care for the kids 24/7. I usually only work about 2-3 days per week as I am on call as a nurse.

He is always phoning a ranting to me about how unfair I have been, Yet now he has cancelled all of his summer weekends with the kids becasue he says he wont have them unitll it is all settled and then when I told him I was going camping and it involved some of the days he came to take them for an hour and a half he cries the blues yet the weekend before I go camping he cancelled his time with them.
He is not flexible and If he feels he is doing anything to help me out he doesnt want to.

Also it is hard not knowing how his family feels about the whole situation. He tells me his sister feels obligated to go camping with me yet when I tell him I should ask her he tells me not to be so paranoid. I worry they are only seeing one side of the story. How has everyone else on this board dealt with the inlaws should I be talking with them and telling it like it is and telling things he is telling me? Or is is better to leave things alone for the time being?

As far as the inlaws go, in the long run, everyone tends to learn the truth. My x-inlaws adored me when we were married and still do even though I filed against their daughter. That tells me they know the truth without me saying a word.

In a nutshell, don't say anything to them unless they approach you. Even then, be careful what you say. Blood is thicker than water.

Your H is "projecting" his actions onto you.
He's the one who's being unreasonable, and he's acting like a child. Children do whatever they want without thinking of anyone else. So just treat him like the 6 year old he is. (BTW this is something a counselor said).

Yes, he is trying to control your time, and ensure you have no time alone and no life. It's a way to torture you, and to get you to agree to give him more time with the kids (even though he doesn't take them now.)
He's being emotionally abusive, and likely always was.
Watch his actions, not his words.
If he wanted the kids, he'd take them.
I got the same [censored] about activities. X can't bother to take them. It's because X associates activities with me, rather than realizing these things are for the children.

Get some standards in writing. You can have a temporary custody agreement drawn up, and formalized. Make sure this says what you want, because temporary typically changes into the final document.

Stand tall. If X gets the kids every other weekend, hold him responsible for it. Tell him you will not be available as his backup. Tell him you have other plans.

Do you have the book "Mom's House/Dad's House"? If not, get it to help you phrase things appropriately.

Your X is angry at you and blaming you and he believes he can treat you this way. It's not about the kids, he's getting back at you for 'ruining his life'. (At least that's the way my X seems to act, and yours sounds very familiar).

You can only control yourself. Remember that. You can't control his actions.

Newly,

Are you saying that she shouldn't be a backup for him when, if I read correctly, she wants him to be a backup for her when she gets called into work?

What about discussing the activities with him, instead of just signing the kids up and expecting him to take them.

I don't think you are being controlling per-se, but you are expecting him to help and not really discussing how you are going to parent with him.

I do agree that an agreement will help. I think you are both guilty here. Sad and tired seems to engage in some independent behavior as well as her H with the affair.

S&T, I wouldn't worry about the whole uncomfortable thing he has, it's a consequence of his affair. I would worry about your independent behavior. You sign the kids up for something and then want to drop them in his lap without any planning or prior notice. Not everybody likes such disruptions. I didn't care for them before my ex-wife's affair. The divorce has done little to encourage her to plan things with me.

I can see elements of the two of you going down the same path.

Am I saying don't sign them up for things? No, but what I am saying is give him an opportunity to give his opinion on the matter. If he doesn't want to be involved, or can't be involved because of his schedule, then respect that and make other arrangements.

You can't force him to parent the way you would. I think you will be healthier if you stop expecting him to parent the way you do.

I'm not sure I'd put so many motives into his actions. How can anyone know the motives of another. I think he is being childish, but I don't know his motivation.

Perhaps he is tired of you calling all the shots regarding the children.

Just another POV,

T

CEH, good points. No, I wasn't saying she shouldn't be a backup; I was looking at a solution for setting a regular schedule for the benefit of the kids, and holding X accountable to the schedule (then they could each adjust their schedules accordingly).

And, I also assumed that both parents agreed on the sports schedule, just that one refused to take them. (And I post based on my own experience). Mea culpa.

My X refuses to take my kids to anything, dance, sports, doctors, dentists, counselors on his time. I'm very sensitive about this because I don't believe the kids should miss out on normal activities because of his lack of involvement. And I do run into the issue of the kids telling me about things they want to do, but when I ask X he will always refuse.

Newly,

I'm sure my YD gets upset that I don't just drop my plans and do what she's doing.

Of course, she is just 6, so the only time she knows is NOW. However, I don't just bend to that. She wanted a friend to stay overnight this past weekend. I said no, we have plans. She kept asking and such.

Now her friend has stayed before, and everytime I have her over, it's a planned event. I'm happy to let my YD do things, I just want to know about them in advance and make plans for it. So I told her, I'll have you again the weekend of July 15, if you want your friend to stay overnight, then call me from her house so I can speak with her mother or father about this, so we can make sure it works for everyone.

I doubt she'll run back to her mom and say dad doesn't let me do anything. We went boating this weekend and I had her great grandmother over yesterday for some BBQ and fun. So I had things planned.

My ex-wife and me are different. I can give her my on-call schedule and planned activity schedule in an e-mail for the next three months and her response is, "I can't think about all of that right now." Yes, I'm a type A, ESTJ, and even plan my trips to the bathroom kinda guy. I can deal with interruptions to the schedule as long as they are the exception, not the general mode of operation.

My ex-wife is different in this regard, and while married was very bad about telling me about events until the night of. I suggested she just put these on the calendar so I had some advance warning. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to go, it's just that if I didn't see anything on the calendar, I might schedule something, and put it on the calendar.

But I'm the one who according to her, refused to go to my kid's events. (Not true, but don't most affairee's re-write history?)

So many times it's just a matter of perspective. One will say I didn't spend enough time with my YD. I would say, I try to spend every moment I can, but need advanced notice in many cases. I do re-juggle my schedule when I have opportunites to see her, but it's not a favorite activity. I do it because I value time with her more than my convenience.

However, I am setting that boundary with my YD that I will not be a pin-ball for her. If she wants to do something that involves me, we need to plan for it. I offer her the same courtesy in most cases.

T

I am also an ESTJ and I do plan in advance and schedule well. I notify my X of everything I can, and I do it in writing, but he still says I don't keep him informed.

With respect to this post, it sounded like regularly scheduled activities, not sleepover stuff, was the issue. I believe kids should be involved in activities, and as parents it is part of our responsibility to introduce them to things. My X is an introvert and dictates whatever the kids do and they are 8 & 6 (and they are very opinionated girls). Sometimes these issues come out in different ways. My daughter missed a dance performance for which she had practiced 3 months because they changed the date to a dad's weekend, and he wouldn't let me have them for 3 hours that day, even though I offered to let him make up the time. She sucked it up for me, but she told a babysitter her dad wouldn't allow her to dance. I heard from the sitter's mom.

We can all try to be the best person and parent we can be.

Ok I just wanted to let you all know that these times my kids are in sports is all scheduled. My kids have been in soccer and swimming and I always let him know what they are. My problem is to him they shouldn't be involved in anything and it should only be around my schedule if I want them to take anything.

I am trying to do my part working and trying to get up in my feet. I went to school for a whole year and graduated with honors As a LPN, all the while my youngest just turned 20 mnths when I started. They are 3, 7, and 9. I usually work afternoons from 3:00pm untill 11:00 at night. I talked to him before I took this course because I was worried about the shifts but he assured me we would work it out. I only call him when I get called to work I am on call and do not have a schedule. This is how the job may be for several years. The more I work the less spousal support he will have to pay. I am trying to be self supporting but without his help it is pretty much imposible. I would almost need a nanny to pick up the children from school and take them to sports. There is only so much I can do. I have considered going back to school to find a job that would be just days only, for myself and the children to have that stability.

My ex just called me to tell me he would take the kids whenever I work until 7:00 pm but that is the only access he wants, no overnight visits of any sort. So I will be working full time one day and get no time to myself. He tells me if I want time to hire a babysitter. When I bring up that he has time for himself appartantly that does not matter becasue he thinks he is paying me to look after them with child support. Clearly I think days would be better for me and I should go back to school and pretend he is not there because that is how it seems. He even told me he only had the kids in our marriage becasue I wanted them. What kind of person would agree to have chilren just becasue the other wanted them. He even said he knew before the youngest was born or conceived that he was not happy in the marriage, why on earth would he have another if this is how he felt.

I agree with newly that his associalted sports with me and not for my kids. He thinks I am controlling him by having him take them. But I only ask if I get called to work.

He has never been involved with his children much and when we were married I wanted him to take part and come to soccer as a family and his respose was "If you have seen one game you have seen them all". He tells me it is cheaper is I just stay home because then he would not have to pay for his share of the daycare. If he helped look after them maybe the bill would not be so high. As of right now he see's them a total of 6.5hrs a week. I have them the rest of the time.

He tapes every conversation we have and claims he is using it in court. He taped the one today where he said he would look after them everytime I worked. When I tried to ask him if he was going to have them every other weekend or what would happen if I did not get called in much, he said it was all about me and that I wanted to use him so I could have time for myself. Now that deal is off because he said I ruined it because I never agree to anything.

I have had a few babysitters but it is really hard to find someone commited to be on call. Two of the young teenagers that I had have full time summer jobs and I also used a friends nanny once or twice and she is gone away for the whole month of july. If I only worked during the week I could easly just have a daycare take them when i was working,and have scheduled time he had them. In the long run I may have to sacrifice my work and do something else so it is best for the kids and to make everything work out.

S&T,

I just want to say that I'd not treat my daughter the way you H treats your kids.

With that said, I don't think it's reasonable to expect your ex-H to any different. So if the two of you disagree on having the kids in sports, I don't think it is reasonable for you to sign them up and expect him to take them.

You may not agree with his reasoning, but you chose to sign them up for sports, so you have to make their transportation happen.

Do I think he should take them. Yes. Do I think you are being resonable by expecting him to take them. In light of what you know about him, no.

Ditto for having time to yourself. Our divorce decree offers me first right of refusal, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times in the past two years I've refused to have my daughter.

I think you offer him more time with his children and let him decide if he wants it or not. If not, you find another arrangement.

It sucks to be divorced. Being able to count on your ex-spouse is usually an unreasonable position. We'd like to, but then if we could count on them, they probably wouldn't be our ex-spouse.

Yes, your situation sucks rotten eggs.

Again, I think you will be more healthy if you just stop judging him and finding your own solutions to the issues you have.

You are not trying to control him, but I believe that your expectations, in light of his behavior are not reasonable.

Notice I'm not saying you are not a reasonable person. Instead, I'm saying that because of what I read about him, I don't think you have any reasonable chance of getting him to see things your way.

So your expectations are what I believe are unreasonable.

T

I thought he was like my X in that way regarding kids stuff.

He will continue to project his stuff onto you. So you can do what you can given the known constraints. There's a statement I learned to counter emotional abuse. "you may be right". It sounds like you are agreeing with someone, and that you are acknowledging their statement, but you are really saying nothing. It shuts them down because they don't expect it. The bigger way is to say "stop it", but then it may get confrontational.

And his statement below is true of many absent parents
"he thinks he is paying me to look after them with child support".
So, do what I did, copy the state CS guidelines which states that CS is to provide a home, food, living expenses, etc for the benefit of the children. It is not childcare.
And keep Work related Childcare separate, outside the CS calculation. I do this, because X refuses to take the kids when I work, although I offer each time, he's required to pay his portion of work related child care.

Now, think outside the box for alternative childcare, and tell him that he'll need to pay his share. Ours is split based on income. You may need to come up with a means to allocate the costs since you haven't worked outside the home in the past. By not allowing you to work, he continues to try to control your monetary situation - and make you dependent on him.

1) Does the hospital where you are working have childcare?
If they do, but the hours are short it's likely that some workers will take kids home with them for extra money.
2) Ask other LPN's what they do.
3) Ask family members if they can fill in when you get called in.
4) Create a list of friends who are flexible enough to help you out, and rotate through this list so you don't burn out friends or family.
5) Understand that if your childcare arrangements can't get the kids to their sports, that it's OK for the kids to miss some and you are doing the best that you can.
6) Ask Friends/family for childcare references, if you ask enough people you'll create quite a list.
7) Ask your two teenage sitters for the names of friends who babysit. You may even find a family with multiple teenagers so you have 3 chances of getting a sitter from one phone call.

Get the idea? There are many options, but we get too stuck in our old ways to see them.

He will realize from his lawyer that it is beneficial for you to work, both in terms of CS and for Alimony. Right now he's too stunted to see that.

Newly I have a question. You say that you keep work related child care expenses out of the child support. So does he just pay his share. My lawyer is worried if we do not add it in to the child support that he will not pay his portion which will also be based on income. I have to pay someone 8dollars per hour which is a pretty big chunk.

As for the other posts I agree to a certain extent but I do beleive that it is his responsibility to also help with sports and events, it's all about being a parent.

I do beleive that I cannot handle the stress of finding babysitters. I worry that if I work to many evening the children will never be with a parent. Imagine I have 6 days in a row all afternoons I will only see my two oldest children in the morning before school and that is it. They have a fair amount of homework and homereading and in light of the situation they need their parents.

I think because of this I will pursue a career that will work for the children and me and see where it takes us. I cannot handle the stress of knowing my kids are constantly in the care of sitters. I do not have close family that is willing to have the children. They do not have daycare at the hospital I wish they did. But I have had a few nurses mention their daughters might want to babysit so I will find out who they are and carry on.

When it comes to the kids I have a very strong desire for the kids to have quality time with their parents so I find it hard to see my ex only having 6.5 hrs a week with them. I guess all I can do is call him if he wants them great if not I will find a sitter. Afterall he has to deal with the choices he makes and if he chooses not to see his kids I guess that is up to him. Just very sad for the kids.

I also believe "it's all about being a parent. "
They just have different ideas of what being a parent means. To many people, just having the kids around reminds them that they are parents, even if they do nothing for or with the kids.
I felt like a single parent to 3 children when married, my X was a terrible father. Now he spends more time with them, but is he a good parent? (Only by his standards). But then, I've already mourned the loss that I didn't provide a good father for my kids.

Work related childcare is explicitly spelled out in our divorce decree. And while he doesnt' pay it on a timely basis (blaming me of course), he eventually pays it. (In the fall I'm going to have them bill him directly to make sure it's in on time). Now, getting payment on the non-regular stuff is difficult, but eventually it catches up.
It becomes more difficult if things are sporadic as in your case.
I call or fax my X whenever I need a sitter for more than two hours. This is called the "right of first refusal" and he's never once taken the kids. And because I included this in the decree, I will continue to ask him because I do believe he should be responsible for the kids if I am unable on my own time. But, he will never be the father I want him to be, not even close.

Your new life is starting, you'll need to find alternatives to many things. Start now finding your solutions, and don't give up your dreams (nursing) due to small setbacks.

You need time to yourself and your X is trying to control you by not allowing you that time. So find a way to get time to yourself, using playdates and friends.
You can only change your actions, not someone else's.

Can you tell your STBX that if you are not working that he will have to give you more alimony?