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Low Orbit,
That was one of the best posts I have read by a FWS. My spouse too was like yours. If my spouse had constantly
beat me up for my terrible mistakes over and over again
over the years our marriage would not have survived and we would not be in the wonderful recovery that we are today.
Keep posting. Your advice is very valuable.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Mel, all I would've asked is that any photographs have been taken from the LEFT...it's my best profile... **snort** Anything for you, my friend... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2000
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A FWS should not have to live the rest of their relationship with their tail tucked between their legs. Too, often, I see the attitude that a WS's feelings shouldn't matter because of what they did. I see that some think the FWS deserve any and all abuse they receive from a BS in the name of allowing the BS to heal.
Here's my QUESTION
Low, during the affair, and during exposure ... do you think that the WS's feelings about exposure should matter very much to the exposing BS?Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />(one of Low's fans for a long time ... but only from the left) [/b]
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/01/05 10:11 AM.
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PS Low .... I am certain that exposure becomes less contained and more public knowledge if the affair continues after discovery by the spouses and after a false-recovery or two .... that's billboard and flyer time! If you were one of the smart ones (like my <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> H) who immediately ended the affair and never broke NC for a false recovery .... then exposure is usually very tightly contained, because there is nothing gained with wider exposure in that case. Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Again, I think it's all about WHY you're exposing the information about the affair.
If you're doing it in the intent to end the affair, or to get assistance for yourself or your family (or WS for that matter), then by all means expose to those that you feel will provide that help.
If the reason you expose is simple revenge, or a desire to hurt, then of course it's not appropriate.
Take a look at Gramn's story that's ongoing. He's all bent because he exposed at OM's workplace. He feels like he's done something wrong in doing so, because it may cause problem's for OMW and family.
IMHO, he did the right thing. He didn't do it to hurt anyone, he did it to get the OM's bosses to take action to end the affair. Plain and simple. Nothing wrong with that.
Now...telling it to the postman would do no good. Unless Gramn has reason to think that the postman can help him in some way. Make sense?
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yes, makes sense Owl ... you always make sense!
Pep
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Things get all muddled together, don't they?
Pep, I AM talking about exposure during the affair. However, once the affair ends and the FWS is home, there may be times when they will want to examine what was done and possibly feel that some of it was unfair. That's why it's important to consider the impact of what you do during the affair.
So, in the interests of recovery, I think it important to acknowledge that your FWS feels that way and talk through it.
Harkening back to earlier distinctions between secrets and private matters, I think the BS should stand firm that revealing the secrets was the right thing to do.
But, through respectful dicussion and negotiation, if they concluded that some private issues were unnecessarily exposed, then the BS should be willing to acknowledge that rather than blow it off. There should be no "I'm sorry but...". Every BS hates to hear that same thing from the WS.
Both parties need to be ready to be apologetic and forgiving where needed.
As far as some of the other comments go, I think I was responding to what is sometimes a general animosity and disrespect towards even FWSs. I've sensed an attitude on the part of many that FWSs should be seen but no longer heard. That we must live in shame and humiliation forever to prove we're really repentent.
This is not so.
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Pep, I AM talking about exposure during the affair. However, once the affair ends and the FWS is home, there may be times when they will want to examine what was done and possibly feel that some of it was unfair. That's why it's important to consider the impact of what you do during the affair. I see .... thanks for explaining to me. Much appreciated Low. [color:"red"]Happy 4th [/color] Go ride your English bike ..... no one's looking! [color:"blue"]Pep [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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