This is my first time posting, I need help!!

I had an affair for over a year, despite the fact that I was married to a wonderful man. I am now pregnant, and tests have confirmed that it is not my husband's baby. He is refusing to raise this child, saying that if we are going to focus on getting our marriage back to full strength, he can not be reminded daily of my infidelity. I would like to keep my baby, and my husband too. Abortion is not an option. There is a small possibility that my ex-lover will raise the baby, but that would make me very sad as I know that I would be forbidden to have future contact with them. Of course, I am okay and glad that I would not have contact with my ex-lover, because I know he is part of the worst mistake I ever made. I am just heartbroken, though about the idea of him raising my child and me having no contact with my own baby.

Has anyone been in this situation, or do you have any advice for me? Please help me!! How do I live without resenting my husband for holding THIS ground? How do I live with the knowledge that I will have a child "out there" that I do not have contact with? What if it comes down to it, and I simply can not let my baby be raised by this other man??

I also had sex with OM (other man) while married. Still am not sure which one is the father... My scenerio is quite different. My H (husband) wants the baby. Doesn't want a PT (paternity test).
Having viewed all my options before telling my H the truth...
1.abortion
2.having OM raise child
3.adoption
4.raising child myself (possibly lose H)

You first need to realize... yes having a baby is a blessing. But your pregnancy under these conditions... makes things not so joyous.
You made a mistake. You were wrong. You can't be upset with your H for your actions and how he is dealing with this whole ordeal.
Many women here are going or have gone through what your H is now having to experience. Some are strong enough to raise another person's child. Some are not. That is THEIR decision. And with making yours (perhaps you should read some of their posts... see how they are handling raising their husband's child from an affair... see what your H will have to go through)
Unfortunately, you have to take a good look at the BIG picture. Let's say you do have this baby against your H's will. According to your H, your marriage is over. Can you live with that?
Perhaps, you give the child to the OM. Will child be raised properly... If so, do you think it's better being raised by a loving father. No complications. Or being raised in a disfunctional home?
There is always adoption. Where the child won't be burdened by your mistake. Fresh start.. for everyone involved!
These are all thoughts that went through my mind when faced with the same problem.
You have to make a choice. You made a very selfish decision to have an affair and with that are bringing any innocent being into the world. Now is not the time to be selfish. That baby's wellbeing should be your first priority. Whether you may or may not like the decision. What is best for that child?

Good luck to you and God bless.

Approx 10 to 15% of children are so conceived. Do you plan to tell the child who his fathers are? They have similar identity issues to donor sperm and egg conceived children. Does your ex-lover have paternity rights and obligations where you live? I am a clinical psychologist in australia - please read my web page on affair conceived kids.

Kids can find out their parentage by accident or in blood typing experiments at college or by the necessity of transplantation matching when they, their siblings or parents fall ill needing, for example, bone marrow or a kidney. If the 'other child' were dying and could not find a donor would you not tell them they had an other parent to ask? This raises questions today of whether, how, whom and when to tell. It is not something you can responsibly gamble they will never find out.

Quick synopsis on my situation. In 7 days it will be the 5th year post D-day. A couple weeks after that is when we found out that I was P. We never did any DNA testing, xom got kicked out of the military(A was just ONE of the reasons) and we knew that we never wanted to have ANY type of contact with him ever again(violence and actual death threats!) Abbi is now 4, we have never told her and never will. As to the blood type questions/issues, well, she's O+ like I am, and our other kiddos are A+. H doesn't want DNA, in every way that matters, Abbi is his, and the xom doesn't deserve to have ANY knowledge of her EVER.

As to the adoption possibility for you. Think about it long and hard. I have been through being a birthmother as well as my H being a birth father. We gave our daughter to a VERY loving, AND STABLE family when we were 18 and 17 yrs of age. She is now 17 1/2, and has had an awesome life thus far! Yes, it's a VERY difficult decision to make, but if it's what's best for the child, then maybe you need to really think about it.

I suggest you read up on the site here. Look into everything you can that even remotely resembles your situation! Post here and often. I am more than willing to share what I've been through, some on this board, and some possibly through emails. Good luck and hope to see you post again.

No one can tell you whether to chose your child or your husband (adoption). You did make a terrible mistake, but that is an extremely difficult choice to be faced with. Soworried laid it out for you well.

I hope you get some counseling to help you make a decision you can live with. Might help to imagine yourself taking each possibility, and how you might feel... for instance, COULD you forgive your husband and rebuild without the baby? (Do you have other children together? How would they be effected?) COULD you parent well without a husband? ETC. A counselor could help.

God be with you,
J
in recovery 7y and glad I stayed

Thank you to all who have responded. I think by now I have read the entire Marriage Builders website and all of the discussions at least 10 times. I am so thankful for information and support on this topic.
My baby is due in just less than one week. I do not know how I am going to separate from the baby, but husband says that the baby can not come home from the hospital with me. OM is estatic at the chance to be a dad to the baby. I guess that is the direction we are headed. I think the best option is adoption (if I can't keep baby myself) but I also guess it is not fair to not allow OM to parent if he wants to. Also, I don't even know if the court would alllow me to give this baby up for adoption if OM wanted to fight the adoption plan. Gosh... I would jump at the chance to have a fresh start... for everyone.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is will my child ever know about me? What if OM marries before baby is old enough to know "life without a mom" (right now OM is single) and then the new woman becomes MY CHILD's mother? What if baby is never told the truth about me? What if he /she is not raised with the open knowledge and then finds out later in life? Above all else, I am so worried about identity issues for my baby.

So sorry for all of my ramblings... thanks for any advice you could offer.

faith679,

How long have you and your H been married? And do you have other children?

faith~

I wouldn't write anything in stone right now. The birth is not far off. Wait till the baby is born. There's a chance your H may change his mind. Don't want to give you false hope, but it is a possibility.

Is your H planning to be at the hospital? The om?

My personal opinion...IF it comes down to deciding to give the baby up for adoption, I'd give the baby up to another couple who is removed from the situation, and not to om. HOWEVER, that's not as easy as it sounds, I'm sure whomever the state recognizes as the father will have to agree to give up parental rights, just as you will have to give up yours.

What I'm hearing from you is you don't want to give this baby up to anyone. I can only try to imagine the conflict you are feeling right now, with also not wanting to give up your H and M.

Has your H stated any other reasons why he won't stay in the M if you keep baby? I'm wondering if he's afraid the baby will keep you connected to om? Also, if he doesn't even want baby to come home with you at all, perhaps he's afraid he, himself might fall in love with the baby, and he's trying to prevent that? I don't know, just trying to sort this out in my mind a bit.

Have you asked your H if there are any circumstances under which he'd be willing to let you keep the baby and the M? Such as complete NC with om? Moving away? CS from om? Depending on your state...and most do go by this...your H has the right, if he so chooses to automatically be the father to this child, because you were M when baby was conceived and born. It would actually be the om that would have to "fight" for his rights, IF H exercises his automatic rights. Sorry, I'm not too good at legal jargin, but I think that's the jist of it, as I've researched.

If you even have a second thought at all about giving this baby up, like I said I'm hearing, I just would NOT give this baby up. H may go ahead and D you, or he may not. IF he does--divorce is not always the end all, nor permanent. Giving a baby up for adoption IS! Please think about this very clearly and carefully, and PLEASE don't let ANYONE tell you what you must do.

I know this conflict can't be easy for you--my heart goes out to you...

~ad

How can you possibly recommend she give the baby up for adoption if the father is willing and able to raise the child? You are perfect evidence that having an A does not make someone an unfit parent. I would never, never, recommend giving a child up for adoption if one or both of the parents want to raise him or her. I can't believe you would even consider such an option rather than have the father raise the child
Michael

Hi Michael~

Long time...

How have you been?

I knew I might hear about that comment.

My reasoning for suggesting she NOT give baby up to the om is not because I think the om is unfit due to the A. Actually I didn't say it for any reason having to do with him being unfit. Although, being single concerns me a tad...I'm old fashioned that way, and have always thought whenever possible, a child should be brought up in a two parent home--emphasis on "whenever possible".

I said it, because I think the whole giving the baby up for adoption to om scenario would then be too personal. Too many chances for things to go all askew, now and in the future for both bio parents and the child.

I went back and edited anyway, because IMHO, I don't even think she should give the baby up at all.

Happy 4th!

~ad

Hi Autumn,
I've been very good actually. Don't know what you know about what happened with me, but I fought for and got custody of my children.

I believe a father is just as capable of being a good parent as a mother. I tend to take it personally when it is suggested otherwise. Sorry:). I too think a child should be in a two parent environment when possible, but not when one of the parents is willing and able to raise him/her.

By the way, I think nothing but the best of you and your H. As I said, you are evidence that an A in and of itself does not make someone an unfit parent. I just believe that applies to the father as well as the mother.

I agree. She should not have to give up the baby. But that does mean she may have to choose, the child or her husband. My children mean more to me than anything on earth, and I know I would never give up my children.
Michael

Hey Michael~

No, I don't think I knew that. I'm glad to hear things have worked out for you. Did your holiday festivities get rained on today? Some fairly rotten 4th weather here today-- although we made it through the parade without a single drop, so all was not lost.

I agree wholeheartedly that being a woman does not automatically make for being the best parent. I'm saddened when a man has to fight the system tooth and nail, simply based on his gender.

Just in this case, I thought if adoption ends up being the chosen path, that in the best interest of the child and all involved...a fresh start, with two parents might be the best. Your arguments might could sway me though...

Maybe if om adopted and moved away? No chance of faith ever seeing the child then, otherwise I think an "open" adoption would be too difficult. Also, if it ends up not even being an actual adoption, but rather om raises the baby instead of her, well then there would probably be visitation by faith or some sort of C...but then where does that leave the H if he doesn't want the baby in faith's life at all? Then she may as well have primary custody. Arrrrgggh...I don't want to confuse the subject here.

Thank you for the kind words. Very appreciated.

~ad

Well, I'm feeling a little caught in the crossfire between the differences of opinion on this topic, but what is new? I've felt that way for 9 months!

Thanks again for sorting this sticky topic out with me. To answer a few questions... my husband and I have been married for just about 5 years. We have one other child together, a son who is 2 years old.

In the state I am in (other than going crazy...) the OM has no rights to the child, unless I instigate legal action which would make him the legal father. Currently, my H is the legal father. My H will consent to me makig the OM the legal father or to an adoption, he does not care either way. My H would allow me to have an open adoption with a "neutral party" (giving baby up for an adoption) and I could have updates and contact with the baby. H is requesting that if OM is made the legal father, I would have no more contact with baby or OM. ever.

I have no guarantees that H will work with me to make this marriage work, but I want to please him in order to try my darndest to convince him. If he does divorce me, at least with OM raising baby I could still have some rights. In adoption, my rights would be gone.

I'm so consumed by this topic, and now addicted to these boards!! I thank you all so much for your imput. I am surprised by how many husbands and wives have agreed to raise a child that is not biologically theirs. I guess I just thought that my husband's opinion and stance was popular majority of a response to this situation that I have brought on us. It does make me wish even more that husband would agree to raise baby with me.

I'm sorry faith for taking it OT a bit, and for talking like you weren't in the room <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> --I'm bad about that sometimes.

It IS amazing how many H's and W's raise a child who has none of their DNA due to an A, isn't? But lots more than I ever imagined are doing it, and doing more than raising them, they're loving them as they do their own-truly. I believe I've read where Harley has said, that M touched by A and resulting OC have a higher percentage of recovery than those where A didn't result in an OC. I think it's because an OC is a real dose of reality, and generally brings the WS around and out of the fantasy of the A much sooner.

From the conditions your H has set forth re. adoption with a neutral party v. the om, it sounds to me as if he wants the om out of your life, more than he wants the baby out. There may be a chance he'd accept the baby if om was guaranteed to be out of your life. Have you discussed this option? Have you discussed what D would mean for your 2 year old?

You said you read everything on this site. Did you read over the Policy of Joint Agreement, (POJA)? If not or even if you have, you should read over it again, and really familiarize yourself with the concept. For the sake of each of you as individuals and for the sake of your M, it's important that you both come to an agreement that you can each get on board with.

~ad

HELP_ANYONE!!!
I am crazy and acting stupid. I have been working on saving a family after 15 years of substance use by my husband, emotional and mental abuse, threats, etc. Once things started to mellow a little...I was confronted with a notice from a Prosecutor that he is the father of a NOW 7 year old boy! I confronted the 'affair' woman and him. It is true! I have 2 children with him, a dying mother in law, 2 adult stepchildren, etc. He is not even trying to be different! He claims that he is numb. NUMB! oh my God! Nobody in the family knows except for my daughter. I can't get this out of my mind.

I have no guarantees that H will work with me to make this marriage work, but I want to please him in order to try my darndest to convince him. If he does divorce me, at least with OM raising baby I could still have some rights. In adoption, my rights would be gone.


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Faith, i am so sorry your in this position to have to choose between your husband and your child. I think this statement holds alot that you made. What if your h stil divorces you. I am not here to judge you at all, but my kids come first. Yes you made a horrible mistake. You sound very remorsful as well and you want your marriage to work.
What can YOU HONESTLY LIVE WITH? What dynaics are you going to able to handle if you do give your child to om or adoption? It sounds to me that om would want oc. So you've also got cs to worry about. Trust me when I say so what if he says he won't ask. You never know what circumstances arise to chang his mind. Daycare is very expensive. I'm sure you having a 2 year old though you know.

I know if it were me what I would choose. I know what I could and could not live with. I'm just so sorry your going through this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WOW! This thread makes me so sad...It is not the childs fault that he/she was conceived...I would say keep the baby...If your H truly WANTS the marriage then he can accept the child...A baby is an innocent by stander...dont give YOUR baby up!

If you H cannot accept that child then the marriage may not be worth saving...there will always be reminders of the affair...he will always find ways to throw it in your face and YOU will always regret HIM making you give YOUR baby up!

YOU carried that child for 9 Months...keep the baby...it is YOURS...Your H can either accept it or leave...and if he cant accept it, is the marriage really that strong? Think about it! Yes, the child was the product of an affair...but that baby is half your son's blood!

This is always a sad situation. Obviously, the very fact that faith is having another man's child indicate the marriage is challenged.

As much as my wife and I have been through, I don't think I live with raising another man's child. I make no judgements about those who have. I just don't think I could.

I think faith's H has the right to ask this of her. I'm with the others who advise her to give the OM custody and sign off on parental rights. Otherwise, I think her H is fully justifed in divorcing her.

If I were in your shoes I would keep the baby.
You have carried that baby inside under your heart for 9 months. Bonded with that baby. No way could I give it up.

I can understand your H wanting you to go no contact with the OM, you can do that and keep the baby. The OM doesnt have to have any part of that babies life.

I had my first child when I was 15. The mother of my babies father did her best to get me to have an abortion. I didnt, then until the baby was born she tried to get me to give her up for adoption. I didnt. I kept her and I raised her. She ended up getting leaukemia when she was 14 and died when she was 18. I stop and think if I had given her up I never would have seen her again. I cherish every minute I had with her. I wouldnt trade it for anything.
Now on the other hand. I have a 12 yr old daughter that we adopted. my daughter knows both her birth parents. She can talk to them anytime she wants. They can call her and talk to her when they want. She has a relationship with her siblings by them. I am not threatened by her adopted family at all. IT can be done.
I just could not give up my child and never know what was going on in his/her life.

So lets say you keep the baby, you move out on your own with you and your 2 children. maybe in time your H will come to love and accept that baby and you can work things out.
What happens if you give up your baby and try and save your marraige and a year from now your H decides he can't forgive you and divorces you anyway. The adoption would be final and you have lost everything.
When I met my H I had 2 children from a previous marraige. If my kids didnt like him that would have been the end of that. If my H didnt accept my kids that would have been the end of it, we were a package deal. My children were/are a part of me. They cant help who fathered them.

Another question why is it ok for a ws that is a male to want to have contact with his OC but when it is a female WS it isnt. the men Just cant do it. (previous poster said this). yet I bet if he had fathered an OC he would want his BS to accept the child and have contact.

Men are just different than women. Men father a child and basically that is it for 9 months. The mother on the other hand, carries that baby inside of her for 9 months, feels that baby grow, feels that baby move and kick. Hears that babies heart beat. Bonds with that baby before it is even born.

I say keep it.

Lori

Ahhhhh, Faith so many different replies.

Bet you're more confused than ever now.

I agree with LowOrbit on this one.
If your husband isn't used to the idea of the baby yet, chances are he never will be. Therefore it is up to you to decide if you want to do some very hard work and save your marriage or take your lumps and allow a divorce.

Your husband now has every right in asking you what will make him feel better. He's been blindsided with this news and apparently still hasn't come to terms even a little on what has happened.

If he only recently found out, I don't think he'll change his mind this soon. Now if he's known all along it wasn't his child and still asks you give up the child, it will be up to you to decide what YOU can live with or without.

You'll be in my prayers.
Debi