My wife just informed me that she wants to seperate after 15 years of marraige and 2 children. After talking to her, I found out that she wants to 'spen time' with one of her co-workers ... I am devestated, I havent eaten in 3 days. I have talked to her about fixing whatever is wrong and she insists that this is something that she needs to do. I haven't left ... I can't bear the thought of it. I invited her to join me and our youngest child to watch firewirks last night and in the middle of them, she recieved a phone call from him, she was on the phone the rest of the time we were there and she ended up going to a party afterwards where he was at for 1-1/2 hrs. I didn't even have a chance to talk to her yesterday. today thay are working together. He is single and I can tell by the way she was talking to him that he was pressuring her to not spend time with me. She knows I am hurting, she doesn't want to hurt me but she has ... what do i do?

In addition ... I have been the sole provider for the past 15 years. Durring the past 2 years I have helped her get her GED, I have put her through school and she just started working about 6 weeks ago. durring the past few months, my job has been extremely shakey and I havent been able to give her my full attention and admiration for what she has accomplished. She works with him, no distractions, just the 2 of them. They have their job in common. She said that she has been having feelings toward him for 2 weeks but they have not consumated their relationship, I believe her. I know that I haven't been the best husband over the years but I truly believe that we could work this out if he wasn't in the picture.

Ummm... I would lay money on the prospect that she HAS consumated the relationship with this other fellow. Moreover, I would bet that she didn't just go to the party with him to socialize.

The way I see it, you can take one of a couple different paths:

1. Get the goods on what's going on... DETAILS!!! and get one or both of them fired. This sort of shock will probably break up the relationship.

2. Let her walk out and hope that reality sets in soon enough. HOWEVER, make her leave. She's the one who's forcing this change on the family, and there's no reason that YOU should have to leave, nor should the children have to put up with a change. Therefore, if anyone's gonna walk, it needs to be her.

Talk to an attorney. In some states you have more leverage depending on the facts. Some states have totally no-fault divorce, and others have fault-based divorce laws. In any event, if you can prove that she's been the one primarily responsible for the break-up of the family, you will probably have greater leverage in getting the kids and forcing her to pay child-support. Again, you will probably need details... the sort of thing a private detective would be able to get.

I'm all for fighting for marriage, as long as there is any hope at all. However, if the cheating spouse is actively trying to push the separation, then there's little hope. In my case, my wife wasn't quite ready to leave, and her lover had no intention of leaving his gf, so stepping in and disrupting the relationship caused him to leave and left her realizing that her thoughts of leaving were just a fantasy. Our marriage is still VERY shakey, but I've started to get her into the His Needs Her Needs book and we're attempting to weather the withdrawl period.

When I decided to take action, my motto was, "I would rather have my family than my reputation!" and so I pulled out all the stops. If you want to save your marriage, NOW is not the time to hold back. Do whatever you legally can do to disrupt them. If she's intent on leaving, hope is not totally lost, because affairs are built on passion and deception... reality is likely to destroy the relationship.

Act decisively, be courteous, but also smart and strong. There are a lot of us here who know the pain you're going through. You're right, though, your wife is remarkably callous for the way she disregards you and your feelings. Unfortunately, I think that's a VERY common characteristic, especially of cheating wives. The longing which led them to stray is so deep that it outweighs any consideration of guilt or morality. It'll take time. My wife and are are actively working on our relationship and I still don't think she feels much or any remorse (she's still in withdrawl), and I know she has no appreciation of the pain I'm in.

Exactly BronzeGuy. How long have you had it out in the open? My WWs has been NC for two months and just started coming around.

Good luck WorldOfHurt, my wife did a very similar thing to me- I even knew about it from the very beginning, and she started lying from there also. I think the fact that you know already is encouraging, now let everyone else know and see what happens.

Bad news: mine admitted to EA first, then PA a month later. I don't know that I got any more pissed off, maybe more humiliated (male ego, maybe?).

Mine played nice at first (I could tell) and eventually had a huge breakdown (with PA admission), crying her eyes out for hours when she thought about everything she had done to our family.

Go get it.

WOH,

I am 12 weeks from DDAY and know the pain that you are feeling and the betrayal. All I can say is it will get better with time. It took me 6 weeks of being lied to constantly before I stopped begging.

You keep trying to believe that she is telling the truth. I still cannot believe how my wife has lied to me. How she can face our friends after what she has done, but somehow they convince themselves that they are not in the wrong.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Rho

So sorry this has happened to you. MB is the best place possible and you have already gotten great advice. So, just my two cents here:

You are fighting for your family here. This is a war.

PIs are expensive, but if you have the financial resources, do that. If not, you can be your own detective. Check cell records, e-mail, place a voice-activated recorder in your W's car, get a key-logger for your home computer, get a phone recorder for your home phone.

Confront her with whatever proof you have. And, hopefully it is still in the EA phase. Even if it is, a lot of WS have the hardest of times acknowledging that an EA is still an A. So, that's going to be tough.

Start Plan A. You weren't the best S? None of us were. If we had been, there would be no need for MB.

Accept accountability for your part in this mess - "Honey, I am SO sorry I took you for granted. I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you." - and start.

Set boundaries firmly, but lovingly - NC is essential and non-negotiable. She really needs to get another job. Now.

Does this all happen overnight? Uh, no. And it is totally heartbreaking. But, you can do it. You have to if you want to save your family.

You are in my prayers.

Thanks to all I just found out and unfortunately involved too many people! I have some proof but not inconclusive proof.

Is keyloggers illegal? how about retrieval and recording of a voicemail that is on another persons phone?

well, she told me last night that he wasnt at the party she went to, she said he was working that evening, and as far as the PA, I don't think that happened ... she's having her monthly visitor. I believe that her intentions are/were to make it physical though and that's why she told me about it. She was hoping that I would get angry and leave then she could've justified it to herself but all i did was cry ... all I can do is love her. I'm doing plan A, I was doing it before I knew it had a name. I'm thinking now that she doesn't want to see me in this condition so she may be lying to me now to make me feel better. But that means she still cares about me. She wants to have a family dinner tonight, but maybe just to try to get me to eat better but I still am having trouble with that.

what is NC ?

I asked her to tell the kids with me ... not about her and the OM but to tell them that 'we are going through a difficult time right now' and she said "I don't think we need to tell them anything at this point" I don't want to tell them without her.

Also, She is doing all of her conversing on her cell phone ... what can I do about that?

Mflake - The affair has been out in the open for about a week. You can read my post under "need help w/ WW's withdral" I *think* they've been NC for 8 days, though I'm not totally sure.

As for keyloggers, the legality is becomming a greater issue, though if you can make a legitimate claim to ownership of the computer then you have no legal problems. FWIW, I'm not an attorney, yet, so if you want real legal advice, don't listen to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for retreiving anothers' VM... I guess it depends whether your name is on the account and whether you can make a legitimate claim to have a reason to have the password. If your WS gave you the password, then there's no way she can claim that you "broke in" to her account.

WOH, "NC" means "no contact."

Personally, my wife and I have chosen NOT to tell our kids. I don't know how old your kids are, but unless they are adults, and even then, they DO NOT need to be burdened with YOUR problems. So long as there is a glimmer of hope that the marriage can be saved, the kids don't need to know. I hope that if my kids ever do find out, it will be years from now when we can show them that marriage isn't about sex, forgiveness CAN happen, and marriages take effort but are worth it. When I was talking about my marital problems with my mother (generalities only... I want my folks to be available to my wife as friends since her parents have abandoned her after learning of the A), she hinted STRONGLY that my dad had had one or more affairs years ago, and that they have a better marriage than ever now that they worked through their problems. I remember having my suspicions, but the point is, they are living proof that marriages can be rescued from the mismanagement of the spouses.

Off topic - to provide a bit of levity, since, lets face it, we could all use some... The definition of "foreign aid" is "Taking money from the poor people in a rich country and giving it to the rich people in a poor country."

Well, the family dinner idea turned into a nightmare … as I pulled in the driveway and went in the front door she was answering a phone call from the OM. I got very upset and told her that if she had any ounce of respect left for me she would ask him to not call our house anymore. I explained to her how bad it huts me when they talk and asked her to please feel open enough to talk to me about anything. And I told her again that we need to tell the kids something because I cannot pretend like there is nothing going on at all anymore. At this point I heard our oldest child (15) going up the stairs, he overheard the whole conversation. She was supposed to go into work last night and he was going to be there. I expressed to her how much I admire her honesty and asked her to please not start lying to me. She ended up not going in to work. We sat on the porch and she proceeded to tell me about some things that do that she doesn’t like, but I know about those, I’ve been thinking about that since D-Day 4 days ago. I even pointed out one or two that she missed … was that bad? Then she said ‘I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m sure there are things about me that get under your skin” but I couldn’t think of any … all I could think of are the things she does that I love … so I started telling her those things. She ended up leaving for an hour and went to a fast food place to get something to eat and some ‘alone time’ I was awake when she came home but I couldn’t put myself through any rejection so I pretended to be asleep on the couch (where I have been since D-Day) … she never made an attempt to wake me, she didn’t even come in the living room.

She was asleep when I left for work today, I put a love note in her cosmetic bag, and kissed her forehead when I left. When I got to work I sent her a text message but didn’t get a response after an hour so I called and told her that I’m worried about her, it was brief. I called her a few hours later and the phone was busy … I was going nuts, I needed to hear her voice. I finally got through and we talked for 25 mins … I told her that I can’t stop thinking of her, she says “I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t change the way I feel” I told her that I miss her, I miss all the little things, the hug and peck on the lips when I get home from work … that not being there really hurts. She never mentioned the note or the text message … maybe she hasn’t seen them yet.

Hi, World,

Rough road this, isn't it?

I second the advice here, but I want to caution you about Plan A. It shouldn't be used for too long.

You're doing some things VERY RIGHT! I can guarantee you're upsetting the "affair boat." You're wanting to expose to your children. I think with older kids (esp. the 15yo who already knows), it's probably the right thing.

I think you must be a loving, nice fellow. But this is hardball.

It's nearly time to make a power play for your marriage. I would say that Plan A should go on no longer than...um...a week or two. Use your judgment though. If you're making a little headway, you might give it another day or so.

What can you do? Well, you can say (or write), "Look, I love you. I love being married to you. I'm sorry for any neglect I showed to you; yes, I completely regret it and want the opportunity to change it. However, your actions are destroying our family. Our kids will know whether we tell them or not (because they will find out).

"So are you going to have this guy become the "father" to our children when I'm not around? What experience does he have? Regardless, I can guarantee he won't love our kids or YOU as much as I do. You're the mother of my children and there's nothing that can diminish that for me. You're the woman I MARRIED and pledged my life to. So, are you going to have kids for him?

"And let me say, this isn't going to go on forever. While I may pine for you in my heart, I know that I cannot win you with this homewrecker in the picture."

If you word it like this, I can bet she will be LIVID! She will be so angry. The affair may even intensify. But if you say anything remotely close to what I just said, you will rock the "affair boat" so hard, she will not enjoy one bit of her emotional affair (EA).

Oh, and YES, she CAN change her feelings. Somewhere along the way, she decided you just were not enough, but she had to love you to marry you, didn't she? If she says no, she's lying. People just do not commit to people without some sort of love behind it. They do not have kids with people they don't love. Yet, they have affairs when they feel like "the grass is greener."

A letter like this though, with intent to cut contact with HER is called a Plan B letter. If you don't have Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley, you may either buy it or borrow it from the library. I think it will help you through this terrible time.

~ZP

I am new also and this all sounds familliar to me. I just found out that my W had a breif two week affair. I confronted her and she agreed to work it out. Anyway I am a lot like you. If she had wanted to leave and be with the other man I would be even more devestated and would not want to let her go. However, if she was that disrepectful to me (leaving you and your child to be with OM) that would tell me all I need to know. It sucks to go through this stuff man, but be strong. you deserve better than that my friend. you sound like a great husband and provider. If that isn't enough for her that's her loss. You will be ok my friend. she is the one that needs to change.

Hey guys,

since most of you are newbies, I have a few suggestions.

1. Post your sitch in the General Questions II area. You will get more responses and more help from there.

2. Under no circumtances do you leave your house to your WS at any point, unless you want to pay for the house while WS continues the affair in your own home. No matter how you feel, no matter what the WS says, do not leave your home!

3. Plan A.

4. Expose the A ASAP. No excuses. You need to expose the A if you want to save your M.

5. Please do not rely on what your WS is saying for the most part. They are deep in the Fog and have been abducted by aliens. They will never admit to the A until you confront them with irrefutable proofs.

6. Thus get a PI to get concrete proofs. This will help you not only to confront the WS, but later in court if your M heads in that direction.

7. You are in a War and must approach your situation accordingly. Have a plan, have a plan, have a plan. Do not merely react to your emotions or your WS's behaviours.

8. Although hard to do, you will have to be strong for yourselves, your espouses, and your children, if any. You will need to have a strong backbone for this journey. You can all do it.

9. Most of all, God is on your side. Pray for his help.

Best

Exposure is out there, the kids, close friends ... the OMs girlfriend ... (not by me though, I didn't plan it this way) ... what should I expect now?

Read Gramm and Foundareason's sitches on GQII to see what to expect. Also check Melody's thread on not expecting a medal posted yesterday or the day before on GQII.

Again post in GQII like Kdh did for more responses.

In general, expect ww to be very very upset. She is going to tell you that now the marriage is truly over (as if the A helps the M) and all kinds of irrational things. Do not LB her. Just keep reiterating over and over that you are just interested in saving the M. Moreover, refuse to engage in any discussion about divorce. Tell her you are about saving the M. If she wants a D she can work on that herself.