I just received an e-mail from my wife saying she wants to go in and file for divorce on the 4th of August (it's a payday). Up until very recently we have not even discussed divorce; it's always been a legal separation. So, those of you who have been following my situation, what do you make of this? For anyone who hasn't been following I solicit your input and advice; PLEASE.

I do not want a divorce; I've been doing my best in Plan A for the past month or so, now it appears that I have less than a month to save my marriage. Should I shift into Plan B now, obviously Plan A hasn't worked up to this point. I have not exposed the A to her parents as of yet; I cannot even imagine how to approach the subject. She has told her sister about OM, so I’m sure her mom knows, but I don’t know if exposure to her mom & sister would do any good as last time they seemed overjoyed that our marriage was ending. Her dad on the other hand is a very closed person; her mom said it nearly destroyed him last time when he found out. No one knew last time that there was an OM, they only heard her side of the story, which was that she was not happy and was taking charge of her own life.

I don’t even know how to respond to her message; I want to ask her what happened to the legal separation plan. I want to ask her a million questions, but I know that right now I will not get any answers from her.

Looking for advice, comfort and wisdom...

TM,
I don't think asking her about legal separation will help much. When she says she wants to file, you can reply with something like: "I don't want a D, I would like you to have NC with OM, and come back to our marriage, but I can't control what you want, or what you do.

I am thinking this is the 2nd time for her. As you know, people that have A's and live with the OP nearly always end up dumping them over time. I would suspect this will be the case, but you can't teach her anything, becasue she won't listen.

She may tell her parents you are the lowest snake on the planet, and they may believe her. This is how it often goes. You can still try exposure, and I would, but don't have high expectations.

At this point, you can find a measure of peace if you treat i in your mind like she died in an accident. The loving W you knew is not around right now, and you can't bring her back on your own, she has to be willing.

I know the shell of her is there, but the part that you loved is mostly gone. That women you see, and talk to is not the same one you married. Much like seeling the body in a casket - something is missing.

It's time to cut your emotional strings to her, and live as though she were not around. Will she come back someday? We really don't know, but you can't count on it. When I say live as though she were not around - I realize you are still married, and you can't date, or marry someone else, but you can seperate your finances, get child care and visitation rules in place, and live for your future. You have probably read enough to know that there is happiness out there. Coffee man is married now to a wonderful person, and it looks to me like he is very happy.

I don't say this to shut down your hopes, but it looks to me like you need to go to plan B, and let OM fill her needs 100%. It looks like you need to fill your life with other things, happy things, and get her out of your mind so you don't go crazy.

You do sound stronger today, I hope you are on the mend (as much as one can be during this kind of mental stress.)

Been praying for you.

SS

SS, thank you. I believe I'm going to wait until just before I have to leave work (about another hour) to respond to her e-mail. I just don't understand her actions; she has called me 3 times today for absolutely no reason, and she did the same quite a few times over the past weekend.



I completely agree. I know the statistics, and I know my wife and OM; this is not going to last. She is going to get her heart broken and tossed out with last weeks trash. For some reason I want to prevent that from happening, I wish I could just turn off my emotions and walk away, but it's not that easy.


That's how I feel most of the time; I know this is not the woman I Love, this is not the woman that I was so happy with just a few months ago. I don't know exactly what happened, but my wife is not there; she's been replaced by the "evil alien".

I think I probably should have shifted to Plan B already, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love it when she calls me for no reason, no matter how crappy I feel when hanging up the phone, I still love hearing her voice. I miss having conversations with her, I just plain miss her.

I don't know that I am any stronger today; I don't feel like it. But, I am moving on and doing things that I enjoy doing with people that I enjoy. I spent this past holliday weekend working on a friends farm; I grew up on a farm and didn't realize how much I missed it all...
Thank you for your prayers SS, please don't stop!!

I grew up on a farm and didn't realize how much I missed it all...
Thank you for your prayers SS, please don't stop!!

You can take the boy out of the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the boy.

We didn't have a farm ourselves, but two of my best friends did. I milked cows, plowed, disked, hauled hay, chopped, fed, and all that stuff.

I can say that farm work is good for the soul. Glad you had the chance.

Plan B would not be easy, and it may seal the D. I worry about you getting angry (with continued contact) and making things worse with LB's. How does one live with the fact that their spouse has for all practical purposes left them and is spending nights with an OP? IN the old testament, the penalty was death, and you can understand why.

Now, there is no earthly penalty in most cultures. You can see why the bible says the last days will be like the days of Noah - when the world was so wicked that even God couldn't take it any more. We live in the time spoken of, and it is as was fortold.

What you need to worry about is YOU. You and the kids.
You can still go to church.
You can still be what God wants you to be.
You can still be a success.

That's what I mean by concentrate on your life. Determine what God wants you to do, and go after it with all your heart. If you do, you will be happy, no matter what your W does.

Prayer helps.
Reading scripture helps.
Writing it down helps.
But you have to live it every day, weather you feel like it or not. You can see (by looking at your WW) what happens if you take the easy road and do what feels good at the time.

If you worked a farm, you can make THIS work. You know what I mean - early mornings, long days. Sweat, tears. Equipment, failure, crop failure. But live goes on, like the land. There is always a harvest, in the end there is always a harvest.

You can do this.

SS

Exerpt from yesterday's e-mail traffic:

TM94: Would you like to meet for lunch during the day instead of at night? That way we would be limited about what we could talk about for how long; a little more structured? It’s up to you, just let me know.
I don’t want a divorce; I’ve told you that from the beginning. I would like you to have no contact with OM so we can begin rebuilding our marriage and family. I would like you to come to marriage counseling with me, and to go back to counseling for yourself, but most of all I want you to be happy. I cannot control your thoughts, emotions or feelings, nor do I want to; but I want you to know that I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE.

Wife's Response: I like how you nicely placed the happy uplifting phrases “I want you to be happy” and that you don’t want to control me in between all of the “You will and won’t” [censored]…very good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1. I am very happy.

2. I am very happy with OM.

3. I am not going to try and rebuild something, that has never really been working correctly to begin with.

4. I am not going to marriage counseling.

5. I am not going to any kind of counseling, once again I am Happy.

6. I acknowledge and respect the fact that you do not want a divorce.

7. I am filing and would like to make this as easy as possible.



***Finally…I think lunch would be great, that’s a very good idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Let me know when <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She called me approx. 45minutes after she sent the message to make sure that "I didn't take it wrong". She said that re-reading her message she may have been a little too harsh, and that was not her intent. She also stated that she was extremely upset when she read my message, as she took it as me telling her what to do. I have not heard from her since our phone call last evening; normally she at least e-mails in the am to say good morning.

What are your thoughts about this particular item?

Pepperband, nice to hear from you.

I'm not sure what my thoughts are to be perfectly honest. I know all along she has said that she does not want to hurt me, does not want to take my money, does not want anything from me. I truly believe that she does not want to hurt me; there is still Love in her heart for me weather or not she's willing to admit it. So, I guess I somewhat believe her that she wants to make it as easy as possible.

My thoughts are this:
1) I think I'm ready to move into Plan B, my respect, admiration and love for my wife are beginning to fade.
2) I DO NOT want a Divorce; I do not believe in Divorce. What I want is for my wife to want me again, and to want her to come back.
3) If I contest the divorce she will be forced to file for legal separation; after 3 months of legal separation she can have that turned into a divorce. That will at least give me 3 months to work on things and hopefully snap her out of her fog; or to move on with my life knowing that I have done everything humanly possible to save our marriage and family.

Your thoughts?

TM,
I've been thinking, but I don't have answers. I suggest prayer. It's the only thing that ever worked for me.

Hope your weekend is good to you.

SS

I just received an e-mail from my wife saying she wants to go in and file for divorce on the 4th of August
Just reply to her, "Oh."

She does not want to "look like" the bad guy.

She wants you to cooperate and give her a nice & easy divorce with no harsh feelings.

You want a friendly divorce?

Yes?
No?

Plan B looks like a good idea to me ....

Thinking about you. Admit I worry.

Figured if there was news, you would post, but wanted you to know people care.

SS

I guess I missed a few responses.

PB, do I want a friendly divorce? Well, yes. I don't want to drag our children through a huge custody battle and all that's associated with it. However, if I have any idea that she will not be a fit mother I will not hesitate to pull out all the stops and do what I need to do in the best interest of my family.

We've been talking (e-mailing actually) quite a bit the past few days. She's now living with OM (or he's living with her, not exactly sure) and is asking me advice on their relationship. Things like "What have I heard, what do I think, etc. I think another reason she has been in contact is because she needs money and she heard that I had been seen with another woman this past weekend. I don't know, that's all speculation on my part, but it's a possibility.

I'm very confused right now and have no idea what I want. One part of me says I want my wife back while the other part of me says cut the strings and let her go; I will never be able to trust her again, I will never be able to love her the way I once did again and I will always question her motives. I'm going away for the weekend so we'll see how this pans out; I believe when I return next week I will post a Draft Plan B letter and request input / advice.

SS, thank you so much; please keep me in your prayers.

If my W had gone as far as to ask me for relationship advice, I think that would have been the beginning of Plan B for me. You don't need to hear that kind of stuff from her if you can help it.

Most of the time I ask what is wanted, and give advice on that.

I keep wanting to tell you to bail out, but It's not my place.

When they don't learn the first time, it's hard to want to give them a chance the second time.

I think you need to work on you. Plan B helps with that, but unless you can get a go between for the kids, it will still expose you to too much disrespect.

If she asked me what people were saying, I would say "they say you are an adulter, a liar, and a cheater and I agree." And then I think I would hang up.

My belief is that this won't work. I give them 18 months to two years. However, I know nothing, it's all speculation.

You don't need to answer her when she talks like that. You should say things like "I don't suppose you have any idea how much it hurts to know your W and lover is with another person, but it's the worst pain I have felt in my life. I'll talk to you about the kids, but not about these other things."

I can't imagine how it feels, but I feel for you. You have a lot of guts. I realize some days you want to save it, and some days you wish something bad would happen to them so it would be over with. When bad things happen, people react differently. Some use it as a springboard to greatness, and some cave in. You need to make it work for you and the kids, no matter what she does. You CAN do it, you need to do it, and I know you want to do it. When you have bad days, come talk to us.

Whats the story on the kids now. Has that been worked out? Have you exposed to inlaws yet? These things need to be done.

Sometimes you just need to go to sleep and realize things will seem different in the morning. I notice the sun always comes up. Take confort in the things that make life what it is, there is still a lot of good out there.

SS

Well, we had more discussions on Thursday and Friday, which led to more arguements and me leaving for the weekend on not so good terms. I've had enough; I just can't continue with her being nice one minute and plain evil the next. Our children will be back on Friday evening and we have much to finalize before then. My plan is to initiate Plan B early next week once the kids are back and we've made arrangements.

I think plan B will help YOU.

As for the rest, we'll have to wait and see.

How was your weekend? I hope the whole thing wasn't sour from that discussion.


SS

SS, today we talked, then argued, then talked some more after we both cooled down. I know I need to move into Plan B as soon as possible as I am loosing all love and respect for her, while my contempt and disgust is growing. She did agree today to a 3 month legal separation prior to filing for divorce.

Our children will be home in 2 days; I have no idea what or how to tell them. She has said that she would like to stay in the house for a few days immediately following the children's return. Honestly, I don't want her in my home, but I do believe that it may be easier on the children. Anyone have any idvice on telling the kids, how, when, what, or her coming to stay at the house for a few days?

Let her come, and do a stellar plan A. What a good chance for you before going to plan B.

Continue to state your feelings without telling her what to do.

" I would still like to save our marriage, and it hurts when I know you are spending time with OM. I know I can't control you, and that you are free to make your own choices, but it hurts."


Make comments that show your apprication, but that don't crowd her.

It's nice to have all of us together for a few days.

I enjoy seeing your smile again.

I'm going to miss the good times we made together.

I'm going to miss your cooking.


Or whatever you will miss. Stay away from things like "you are beautiful. You are sexy. I love you, and stuff that she doesn't want to hear from you right now. It may be true, but it won't help.

Let her watch her TV shows. Humor her a little, pick your battles carefully. Your marriage is at stake, don't fight over things that won't matter in a few months.

Interact with the kids, and take care of them (domestic support, family support) Be a good dad, and don't argue in front of the kids. Tell her you can do it later, and walk away. SHE WON'T DO THIS, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE WAY BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN BE.

Do more than your share around the house. You can do this for a few days???

When you talk to the kids, don't let her sugar coat things. Tell the truth, but don't be petty. You need to think about this for quite a while. It could really blow things up if you try to crucify her, but you don't want the kids to get lies from her either.

Pray as you think about it. Make notes about what comes to you. God is real, he will help, never discount this source. Expect his help.

Expect her to goad you. Dont fall for it. If she can make you look bad, then the kids may think she has cause to leave. Don't let her get to you.

Agree before hand on how long she will stay. Don't let it be too long, or you won't be able to do it.

When she goads you, use the fog talk back to her.

"I am sorry our marriage hasn't been what it could have been. I am willing to work on it, and I hope you would be too."

Don't accept blame, but don't cast blame.

If she comes back with more blame "I was trying, but you did this, and you did that, and it's too late" then difuse it again.
I'm sorry things got to this point, and I am still willing to work on it. Here I am, doing the best I can do."

You will want to show her how stupid her comments are, and point out the truth, but it won't help, so don't try.

Keep giving back the neutral comments. Practice in front of the mirror, but DON'T SCREW THIS UP.

Give this thought, you know what she has been saying, and you can think up safe things to reply with. DON'T try to get in your side, she won't listen. Don't use sarcasim, it creates bitterness. Just be neutral, and give it back to her to deal with. The kids will know who is trying, and who is not. Just don't let her get to you.

I also worry about a pre-emptive strike, where she goes to the kids before you, and tries to poison their minds against you. Pray, he knows. Inspiration comes in many ways, so be tuned to the ways of the Lord. Spend some time with your bible, it will help you get to a good place for listening.

I am giving you the result of my personal experinace, I am not shooting from the hip, or making this up. God is there, go to him in faith, and he will help you.

I am so sorry. Wish I could help more.

SS

I don't even have the foggiest idea what to tell the kids. "Mommy found a new boyfriend and is now living with him" is not what I want my kids to hear. But, on the other hand I've read that you should not say things like "Mommy & Daddy don't love each other more" or "Mommy & Daddy just can't get along anymore" as it shows kids a lack of commitment and they may begin to believe that if their parents stopped loving each other, or can't get along then their parents can stop loving them, or stop getting along with them. I'm confused, how do you tell kids without completely screwing up their lives? My children are 12 (son) and 9 (dau), but are very mature and smart for their ages. We've always treated them like "little people", not little kids. We talk to them and have conversations with them just like we do with each other, but I'm completely lost on how to approach this subject; I would much rather go through "the talk" again than to have to go through this!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


I really don't think she would do this; but then again I never thought she would leave me again and move in with OM.

We're supposed to meet for lunch today to discuss the kids and her staying in the house for a while, so any advice is welcome. As I've said before, I can deal with everything else, but the kids coming home and having to tell them is killing me.


SS, you are an amazing help. You bring reason and experience when I'm at my wits end and not thinking properly. Thank you for all that you have done.

I am not an expert on telling the kids, but I have seen threads devoted to that, and you may find some by doing a search.

We're leving on vacation tomorrow, so I won't be much help for about 9 days. I should be back on the air Aug 2nd.

Just remember DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU, OR MAKE YOU LOOSE IT. If you do, you give her control. You need to stay in control, not give it to her.

Develop those bland answers, and practice them. Think of what she has been saying, and get up a reply you can keep repeating. If she comes un-glued because you don't appear to be responding, there are some one liners you can use - "Well, I'm sorry you are angry, but I really feel that way."

"You do what you need to do, I'll do what I need to do."

"I don't know what else to tell you."

Really, memorize them, say them out loud to the mirror. Then it'll come to you when you need it. I am not kidding about this.

It has been said that we should work as if every thing depends upon us, and pray as if every thing depends upon God. I recommend it to you right now.

SS