I don't post much, but the marriage is dead. No hope left. I want to be able to move on, heal, and eventually find the love that I deserve (before I'm too old to have kids!). However, we've been separate for over a year and Dday was 1.5 years ago. I've tried incredibly hard and feel like I've single-handedly brought the M back from the brink several times. I also feel like I should have healed more this past 1.5 years than I have and it makes me wonder if I will ever really heal.

I'm doing what I can to move on, but the scars from my WH are so deep I wonder if I can ever feel right again. Any advice from those who have moved on and felt good again? Why is it so easy for some and not others? Maybe the extent of the WH fog/cruelty is one factor. Help.

Butterscotch,

That's an excellent question. Why is it that one person in the relationship will suffer, cry, hold on dearly until the brink of death and the other person has no problem letting go and running off like nothing ever happened...I wish I understood that question.

Can you give us some background please. How long M, how long the A, anything that will help us.

Butterscotch,

My story reads like a duplicate of yours. I think that understanding could help bring closure to our failed M, but more often than not, we never comprehend our WS's actions( It would be nice to think that they don't either).

When this all started, the pain was fresh but finding and reading this site offered a tiny ray of hope. It still offers hope but in a different manner. It let's you slowly get through the stages of letting go, bringing comfort and sometimes anguish along the way.

The final stage is when you come here selflessly in an attempt to try and help others through their personal misery. It is a cliched response...time will heal all wounds....but like most cliches, it's foundation is grounded in truth.

Best of luck. My prayers go with you

Butterscotch, I feel as if my marriage is going to be over too. We are just initiating the legal sep. It's what WH insists and wants.

I don't understand the person that he's become. I don't recognise this stranger.. Sometimes I also wonder if it's easier just to head on and cut off the strings and hope no longer. It seems easier, doesn't it?? I waver on that sometimes - to still hold hope, or to give up hope.

But one has to believe that they will be alright again. If not, that's not a way to live our short life on this earth!
One step at a time...

~A

in response to realtor... together 6+ years, M'd 2+yrs, A was about 1yr, then off & on, I am BS, H is WS, DDay 1.5 yrs ago, in & out of recovery since then, false recoveries, no children, I did a good Plan A, then Plan B, then recovery turned to false recovery, during which I did GREAT Plan A, then Plan B, then recovery & false recovery and now Plan D ... I'm losing track <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

the details seem so overwhelming... I will try to add more later, but for now I can say that H's mother became ill and he went through a (IMHO) early midlife crisis, he started drinking & smoking more, driving drunk, staying out later & later, partying and even ignoring his sick mother, being less responsible and more selfish, he became more verbally and emotionally abusive, having As, he started seeing OW before I left and after I left he slept w/ prostitutes even while seeing OW

H has always had problems blaming others for his mistakes and taking responsibility for his actions (I think this stems from his childhood), he deals with hurt/disappointment/solves problems by lashing out at people, his job started to go really well (finally) and he has developed a sense of entitlement

he now says that he doesn't believe I love him (it's always a new excuse as to why he's not keeping his vows, and I reminded him how much love & forgiveness I showed him (I was really good about no LBs) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, that I am to blame for his actions, that his actions were ok (although just yesterday and many times before he told me what he did was terribly wrong and he's incredibly sorry)

there's always some reason why he shouldn't have to live up to his marriage vows; his life has been on a downward trend from a personal standpoint (drinking, smoking, health, relationships w/ family who won't speak to him for other reasons, our marriage, no friends, etc), and even though it's all a result of his bad choices and the As, he suddenly blames it all on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

part of me feels like maybe being out of his life will show him that my love & support & forgiveness were positives in his life and that now he either has to face himself and take responsbility or find soemone else to blame, not me; another part of me feels sad that maybe he will shape up and be the H that I remember for someone else - all at my expense

I'm sure he will find someone quickly because he job pays him tons (7 figures) and there are plenty of golddiggers here (NYC) - plus he is lonely and looking. His job is fine and seems to allow him to call in sick or work from home because he's hungover or wants to drink all weekend or all day - he gets paid more each year. Meantime, my health, job and marriage are all destroyed and I'm not the one who broke my vows.

I am a good person, told I'm very pretty and still get carded when I order a glass of wine, but in reality I am older than I look and so torn up over this - I wasted too many good years on him and I don't know if I will ever have the family I wanted so badly. The sad thing is that I think somewhere inside of him the real H is buried and will come out, and I miss that H very much - I wanted to have a life and a family with that H, not someone else. Now someone else will be with my H, live in our home, and raise a family while I'm alone in a small apartment having to rebuild my entire life.

I'm just babbling out of grief and sadness. In some ways I feel like I have been divorced for 2 years now and I'm trying to separate the grief for the loss of H versus who I thought H was and the loss of my dreams for a happy home and family. I don't need to be in a relationship, but I like being in one, I like caring for someone and making them happy, I like getting past the initial rush and into the real love part. I know that logically I have to tell myself that I will fall in love again one day, but in my heart I just don't believe it and I'm afraid it will happen after I'm too old to have/want to raise children. Despite the way I look on the outside, I feel so tired, old, unattractive and unlovable. I also feel pathetic for not feeling stronger and bouncing back faster.

ok - enough babbling - any advice is appreciated... thanks

I don't have much advice at this point.. heck, I'm needing advice myself! but I can empathise. I feel the same way you're feeling at this moment.

I guess we are all scared of the unknown - the future. Will someone love us like we should be loved again? Will we find someone we'll love? Sometimes if I think too much of it, I do panic a little. So I try to calm myself down and live each day at a time..

~A

just bumping for some advice -- I've been apart from my H for so long now that I should have an empty love bank and feel neutral about this divorce or at least happy to be alone as opposed to being with someone who treats me so badly, but I don't. I'm in IC again, but it's not helping. Any advice? Thank you

Are you in contact with your WH? Are you proceeding with D? Do you think that he is an alcoholic?

I feel for you. However, I know that you will survive this one way or the other.