Yes... I too wish I would have showed up here 5 months ago... I found ya'll a bit too late, I suppose. I did so many google searches for "Pregnant after Affair" and never found the Marriage Builders website until earlier this week.

The baby arrived, was born healthy and strong. I have been in the hospital, but we have been deemed healthy and ready for discharge (it is bad when you wish you or baby wasn't healthy so you can stay in the hospital longer). He went home with OM... for lack of a better option. I thought DH was going to kill someone with his looks when OM came to the hospital to learn about circumcision care and to take the baby from me. Then, I got in the car with DH and rode home, sobbing the entire way. I hate myself.

I did meet with an adoption agency while I was in the hospital. The social worker told me I could not give up my baby if the biological father would not agree. I think I would have pushed it harder if I would have had more energy. She was nice enough to sign me up for grief counseling. I will start that on monday.

Tomorrow I will ask my DH again if there is any way that I can keep the baby. ("Under what circumstances"?) I am so torn. I think OM felt so bad at the hospital that he would just walk away if it meant that this mother would not have to be separated from the beautiful baby. At this point, H is letting me talk on the phone to OM, but just to get updates of the baby. OM seems to be the only one who understands what I am going through, and that scares the crap out of me that I feel/think/realize that..... for this is how the Affair started.

I will check in tomorrow. Sorry for the depressing post

Oh, Faith.

I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Take care of yourself, as best you can. Get lots of rest, eat as well as you can. Do remember that Day 3 after delivery is the one where all of the hormones come crashing down and is one of the hardest ones for us women post-delivery.

Please check in as often as you can. I know things seem dismal right now. We can help you if you need some support.

Love and prayers,

slh

Faith,

Any clue whatsoever as to what your husband is going through?

Have the two of you discussed all possible scenarios, and come to an "enthusaistic agreement" on any of them? They might look like:

1. Give the baby up for adoption (you've given conflicting information on whether this is possible or not).

2. Give this baby to the OM. Leave it forever.

3. Divorce your husband and keep both children.

4. Divorce your husband, allow him to keep your oldest child while you raise this child.

5. Keep both children, and do nothing about divorce---let your husband pursue it if he needs to.

None of these are particularly feel good options. You're not helping yourself by being in contact with the OM. I'm not convinced that you're sobbing because you hate yourself---I think that you are in the typical "fog" period where you're negotiating any way you can to keep the affair alive. And if I believe this---I who have survived this type of affair---imagine how your poor husband feels, having to deal with this on his own for his first time.

If you're serious about your marriage, you need to take extraordinary steps to recover it. I'm not seeing this---and without these, it's very unlikely that you're going to make it.

Ok...

I realize I have no experience dealing with situations regarding OC's.... but ...

Faith, go get your baby. I love - adore - til death do us part - about my husband, but If I conceived a child from an affair there would be no question about keeping the baby. I would do everything I could to save my marriage, but if my husband still choose to leave, then I would have to deal with the mess I got myself into - only with my baby.

I can't imagine what your going through. Anyway...I had to say something.

Rachel

Faith, I'm with Whistle on this one. GO get your baby! I can't imagine the pain your going through. Yes you created this mess, but this is your baby. If your h won't let you back in the house then get your other child as well and go stay with a relative or friend and either try and work your marriage out (after some healing is done on both ends) or divorce.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Big Hugs to you and I'm here for you! IF you would to email me ask Justuss for my email address.

What about visitation with baby on terms you and H can agree on. I can see how your H finds it hard to see child on daily basis as a reminder, but you don't have to be a mother to raise a baby properly. The baby will be fine if it develops a primary bond with someone and that doesn't have to be you. Same rules apply for all of the BW's who just couldn't deal with C. Husband has a right to his wishes and though it may be hard for you, you have to choose and come to a POJA. If you have C with OM regarding OC, it should be in front of H. I hope you can agree on visitation with the child, but if not you have to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. Don't hold resentments towards your H, he has every right to feel the way he does and he did not create this mess. Let some time pass, see how you feel about NC with OC in a couple of months and then tell H how you feel and see if you can agree on something that works for you both...or walk away. Good luck!

Faith,

I am glad the birth went well. I am sorry it came so soon before you got a chance to address some of the issues. You have been give some good advice. I would still appreciate it if you could answer some of the questions I asked you. This marriage is NOT finished yet, nor has the issue of the child been settled and may not be for a long time. OM may well tire of being a full time father and working.

You need to be working with your H on your marriage, and for that we can offer you some advice IF we know the full story.

God Bless,

JL

Could someone (only 1-2 people) summarize exactly what questions you need answers to in order to offer advice/counsel/etc. There are so many questions out there, and I 'm having a tough time answering all of them, and would like to differentiate between the questions that were just asked to make conversation and/or be friendly... and which questions need an answer in order to offer advice based on Marriage Builders' principles.

Thank you.

Faith,

Here are the questions I would like to see answered so that we could offer some more cogent advice
Faith, I believe if you talk to K or the other men on this site that have been in your H's shoes, one of the BIGGEST stumbling blocks is the presence of OM in your life and marriage. Hence the questions.

The earliest questions let us know how long he has had to digest this information. YOu may not realize this but there are patterns to recovery and to peoples ability to deal with something they really don't want face. So we need to know where you two are in this mess.

There are no guarantees (sp) to this, but no matter what you the more you can do to address these issues the better off you will be, your H will be and your children will be.

God Bless,

JL

In addition to JL's questions:

1. How long has the affair been going on? When did your husband find out?

2. Is the affair over (physical, emotional?) How often have you been in contact with the OM over the last several months?

3. What issues did you have with the marriage? What issues do you think your husband has with the marriage? Especially frame these with regards to unmet needs and lovebusters (see the site info for details).

4. Have the two of you been in competent marriage counseling? Do you know about the policy of joint agreement? Would you be willing to follow it (especially under professional care).

5. Would your husband be willing to come to a board to discuss his side? I think I could get him access to either our private pregnancy site here (so you would not be able to read), or on another site that is also marriage related. I'd like to hear his side as well.

Faith---marriages go south because of a failure to meet needs and a failure to protect the other spouse from thoughtless and bad marital behavior. The MB system is built on meeting needs, avoiding lovebusters, spending time with each other, and being completely honest with each other. The things like the Policy of Joint Agreement (never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement between the both of you), Safe Negotiation practices, Radical Honesty---these are all meant to give you tools to solve marital issues while building love and respect for your spouse.

You can obviously see where you've trangressed a couple of these. Your at such a critical point now that you really need professional intervention to try to stem the damage. The well-meaning women that say "run and get your baby" don't understand that without an enthusiastic agreement in place with your husband, you will negatively impact your marriage further. You'll kill your husband's love for you even more. Considering where you sit right now, I don't think that's something your marriage can afford. And in the best interests of the child---it's typically not to be raised by a single mother who selfishly discarded her husband and marriage in pursuit of her own happiness. It's not a good example, and although it is "recoverable", it usually ends in a perpetuation of this behavior through the children.

So, if we get an answer to these questions, we'll be in better shape to advise you. However, my major bit of advice would be to call the Harleys and arrange counseling immediately (888-639-1639). Steve and Jenn are much better able to handle this crisis than any of us are.

Faith, this is not a good scenerio...Talking to the OM to get updates on the baby is not good...I can guarantee you that under the circumstances that you will end up back in the affair with this OM..for many reasons...1. you and he have a baby together in which you H is not willing to help raise, but let the OM raise and let you "talk" to OM. Instead of having baby in your home and you and H raise it together. 2. You already are feeling "scared" because of the feelings you have for the baby/OM and you can relate to them 3. I can hear some resentment towards your H for "doing this to you", and am afraid you will go to the OM for support because you can relate to him.

Granted I have never been in the H shoes, but I dont think you should allow your H to control whether you keep that baby or not...I dont think you want to give it up. I can already hear the resentment in your posts...

Personally I think your H is being very selfish...not that you weren't..but you are willing to fix the marriage and if that means fixing it with baby in it, then that is how it should be...

Is your M strong enough to be fixed WITHOUT baby in it?

Is your M strong enough to be fixed WITH baby in it?

This is such a sad situation..I wish you H would change his mind.

MF4M,
I can't help but ask a question. Lets say your husband wanted to try to make your marriage work, but was not willing to give up his OC. In fact wanted to have the OC in your house so he could raise it. Would you accept that situation? Do you think you would be selfish to say no to that?
Michael

Michael, I personally would accept OC if my H wanted to raise him in our home. In fact, I am willing to have joint custody as well. We are debating beginning C with OC. I will update my own sitch later so as not to t/j this one.

I can understand faith's H position though. It takes a very strong, selfless attitude to raise some other man's child as your own.

Faith,

Forgive me for temporarily highjacking your thread but I feel I must address the following points brought forth by MovingForward4Me.


Her H is controlling nothing. He has stated his boundaries and Faith has CHOSEN, of her own free will and for the time being, to accept them.

Some BW on this board, past and present, have done something very similar with their WH and their OC, and have not only not gotten any flak about it but have gotten support for putting their foot down in issuing the ultimatum to their WH to chose between the marriage or the OC. So why is it different when a BH does the same?


Maybe, but who's going to take care of HIS best interests? Faith? So far she has done a bang up job, hasn't she? Look when it comes to a WS wanting to save/fix his/her marriage, the ONLY thing that truly counts is his/her ACTIONS. Right now Faith's actions are speaking loudly than any words she could possibly say to her H.

Don't get me wrong, I also favor the OC staying with Faith and her H, but insisting that HE should be the sacrificial lamb while Faith walks away scott free is not going to cut it. I admire Faith for her tremendous sacrifice and truly hope that God will soften her H's heart and open his eyes enough to see how devastated her heart is and he will then CHOOSE to allow the baby to not only come into his home but into his heart as well.

May God bless Faith and her family [OC included].

TMCM

ummmm, you obviously dont know my situation, do you? Maybe you should research it a bit first...THEN ask me that question!

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my post...however, I do feel that a baby does bond with the mother and vice versa while in the womb...You are right, she has chosen this route with her H request...but she was obviously very confused by it and now is very upset about it!

I know of a few people on this board and not who have also given their child up for adoption and it worked out well...however, in Faith's case, she is a grown woman and is being asked to give up her son, which IMO does not want to give him up to the OM...she is not a single mother, nor is she young and insecure..

I honestly did not mean to offend anyone...I can just hear in faiths posts her reluctancy on this...

I also feel that this is a very bad situation as her H is also allowing her to contact the OM...that is BAD...if her H wants her to end the A, then she must end the contact...and if she does that, she cannot and should not get updates on the baby from OM...I wish there were an easy way out for Faith, but unfortunately I feel there is not!

I am so sorry to Faith and to anyone else if I offended you...I just feel for Faith and that baby...

MovingForward4Me,

I didn't find your post offensive at all and as I said in my last post, I agree with you that the OC would probably be better off with his mother, not because she is a woman, but because unlike the OM, she has prior experience with the proper nurturing of an infant. My beef was that if Faith had taken the unilateral decision to go get her baby, her H would interpret that as a sign that she was not serious about saving/rebuilding the marriage and he would then opt for filing for divorce.

I also agree that Faith talking to the OM about the baby is not such a great idea marriagewise but if her H is giving her this opportunity maybe it's because he's beginning to realize the magnitude of her grief and wishes to help alleviate some of it. Hopefully it may also be a signal that his heart may be softening and he is realizing that there may be a better arrangement for all 3 of them [Faith, the baby, and him] than the present one.

TMCM

Hi TMCM! I never said for her to go get her baby, I think a couple other ones did...however I did say that I do feel that the baby should be with her...

I really hope you are right that her H may be softening up some and realizing how much grief this is causing...

Faith, I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling right now...I cannot! I truly hope, no matter what happens that you find peace in whatever decision you do make in the very end...and I pray to God that your H is being a good H right now...

Although I find Faith's stitch extermly hard and heartbreaking, I can see this man's point of view that he just pointed out. Although I don't agree with what has happened as you can hear the restiment and hurt in her posts and she carried this child for 9 months.........I agree with you coffeeman. Very Good point made!

I was one of the ones that told her to go get her baby. I'm sorry if that offended anyone, but as movingforweard pointed out we do bond with out babies in the womb. And when I say I agree with coffeeman I'm agreeing to the point that I've seen the same thing.
I do see trouble with the fact that om seems to be the only one who understands her. It's very hard for me though as I can't relate giving up my child. It's got to be heartbreaking for Faith. As moving also pointed out. She is not a young child or unable to care for her child that would warrant it.

Faith as the others I hope you find peace in the decissions you make and in your heart. My prayers are for you and your family as well as your oc.

[quote
ummmm, you obviously dont know my situation, do you? Maybe you should research it a bit first...THEN ask me that question! [/quote]



actually, I know a fair amount about your situation, but I don't remember if you ever said if you would be willing to have your H bring the OC into your house. I only ask because I find there often exists a double standard here at MB whereby a man is expected to give up (have NC) the OC in order to save marriage with his BW. But in the reverse situation, a man is also generally expected to accept the OC into his life and his marriage if he wants to save the M with his WW.

For those who say a man should accept the OC into his life and marriage, I always ask this question. If your H would not be willing to give up his child and you would accept the OC in your life, well, good for you. If you would not, and based on the advice you gave, you are a hypocrit.

I'm not saying she should give up her child if she does not want too. I am only pointing out that I also think its fair that he is asking nothing more than what is often asked when the situation is reversed.

Sorry, but thats how I see it.
Michael