I just found out about a week ago that my wife is pregnant to another man. Of course my first reaction was to flip out and that really didn't help matters that much. We have been married for almost 4 monthes and she said it happened once and they only saw each other twice. I know it's not mine because we haven't had sex since our wedding night. Since then I have confronted the other man and told him I want him to pay to have an abortion. He is against the idea but has agreed to pay for the procedure. Myself and my wife are very pro-life but I've told my wife that I can not make our marriage work if she decides to keep the baby. I think this would cause a lot of extra strain on the relationship and what would I tell people when they found out it's not mine and I let this marriage go on. So I basically gave her the choice of abortion or divorce. She told me that that was very selfish and that she is going to decide what happens and that I'm not involved in the decision. She says she wants our marriage to work and that I'm forcing her to do this. I want kids but not from another man. I told the other man that when we recieve the money that I want to have no more contact with him or for him to ever see my W again. When asked why he did this he said "things just got out of control". Before this his wife cheated on him and I think that was the reason he did it. She has told me that our sex life and marriage will get better once this has passed, butam I to believe that it will never happen again and that our marriage will improve? She has admitted that it was a mistake and also agreed to cut off all communications to the other M. I have been the provider and I would have everything to lose if we end up getting a divorce. I have been completely faithful to her and have never cheated. Although I have thought of cheating just once to get even, but I don't think I can bring myself to it. In the beginning of the relationship sex was great, all the time, any where. But when she moved in she said she wanted to stop and wait til we were married then start having sex again. This of course led me to start accusing her of messing around to this day she said she hasn't beside the one time about a month and a half ago. Any advice would be appreciated. I want this marriage to last but am I being a blind fool?

Should I keep her or D her? single choice
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Votes accepted starting: 07/09/05 07:35 AM
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place to get support. I hope you will read all of the information here.

I'm concerned because you have only been married 4 months, and she is not having SF with you, but ended up pregnant. This tells me that there are some serious problems - either in the relationship, or personal problems.

As far as the child - from a woman's point of view, if I became pregnant and my husband wanted me to get an abortion - I would lose all respect and love for him. That would be the end for me.

I know that men look at it differently - they don't want to raise another man's child - but I would look at it that my husband didn't want MY child.

Hello,

This is absolutely horrible. You have been married only 4 months and your wife cheats on you and gets pregnant. Look at the signs. You only had sex on the day you were married and then no sex for 4 months? Why is this? Your wife did not even have the decency to use protection and put your health at great risk and begins a sexual affair during your first few months of marriage? I think you should get an annulment. You have made a major mistake in marrying this woman. What an awful story.

I quickly looked at this post earlier and only saw the keep or divorce and I thought how horrible to ask that question in such a cold way. But after reading the post closer there are some serious issues. I don't know if you have sought counseling or legal advice or both. But unfortunately either seems appropriate from what I have read.

OK, NEW perspective here...


She is right, you are forcing her... and she will probably NEVER forgive you for this!!

I was the product of a teenage love A... my bio-Mom Md a man (not my bio-Dad) with the hopes that they would raise me together. Well he had other plans and had already decided that I was being put up for adoption. She was 16 and her H's military dependent and felt she really had no choice... 25 yrs later their M ended and she still states "after all these years I could still never forgive him for you"!

ALSO, as a Christian woman it makes my skin crawl to hear that it is more important to you that it be all YOUR WAY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Let's see, she kills her child... or she keeps her H... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

NOW *I* am a BW, I have NEVER cheated. Still, I think IF I were in her shoes your a$$ would be on the curb!

I have three children (all conceived in love AND M) and cannot imagine anyone having the audacity to try and force me into such a decision...

I realize you are reeling! You are hurting, you are angry. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE! Your young W who you obvioulsy love has broken your sacred vows...and so early on too! I am hurting for you, I KNOW how much this SUCKS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Still, stop a second and think! BREATHE! Take the high road for half a second... you are doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons. You want to move forward, you want to grow and learn from this and move on, right?

Exactly how attractive a choice do you think you are making yourself to her right now?

Guy #2 (FOB) is standing quietly by looking like a saint, and Guy #1 aka H is trying to force her into something physically and emotionally traumatic because *HE* can't handle it otherwise!! Think about it a sec!!

I know you are hurting and I am soooooo sorry that you are... still, you have got to take a step back and get your head straight on this one...

An abortion is not simply like throwing out a sweater that does not fit anymore... it isn't even like dropping off a beloved pet at the pound... it is brutal, it is nasty and it is used way too often by people who are unable or unwilling to grow up and take responsibility for the mistakes they have made! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Trying to put the Mommy in me aside for a moment... as a registered nurse who works exclusively with GYN patients... abortions are not an "easy" answer to a "little problem". The physical harm that can and does sometimes happen may have long reaching efects... may even cause difficulty for her and you having children down the road...

The emotional aspects... when most woman find out they have conceieved there is an instant connection to that life growing inside... even before it "feels" real you know it is there and suddenly everything has new meaning... YOU become ferociously protective of that little life...

NO matter what YOU are feeling about it right now, every conception is a little tiny life... WE can argue til the cows come home about that one, but it is what I feel... I have worked with too many woman who have had too many problems and regrets... just stop and think about it, please!!!

Also, if you are certain you cannot raise this baby... please stop and consider adoption... I know there are so many hurting couples that want desparately to have a baby to love...

TNT,
I want to offer a differing view. First of all, I think its wrong to demand an abortion. I'm not making a call on whether abortion is right or wrong, but in this case I don't think its right that it is demanded. Second, though I'm a man, I know I would never, never, give up my child, even if it meant losing a spouse. I think that should apply to all men, and here on MB the advice is very often for a man who gets the OW pregnant to have no contact with OC. To me that is the same as giving up your child. Why is it different when a WW gets pregant? Do the same standards not apply?

I can understand not wanting to give up your child, even at the cost of loosing your spouse. But, I can also understand not wanting to raise OMs child and have a living breathing reminder of the A in your house.

I think its a decision each BS has to make for themselves. I will not say a BS is right or wrong in not wanting the OC in thier life. Nor would I tell a WS that there is one right or wrong decision.
Michael

I'm sorry but 4 months and she is pregnant with another mans child. Dump her and move on for your own good my friend.The abortion is her choice, but moving on is your choice. I agree, get an anullment.My w of 7 years had an affair and if she got pregnant, marriage over.If she married you she should want your child. who is being selfish here?? You for not wanting to raise someone elses child with your cheating spouse.Come on. Think about that for second. I'm no expert, but I think if she wants om child, let them raise it.

Well I talked it over with her today and she is not happy but she is willing to go through with the abortion. I have read all of your comments and will further talk to her tonight on whether or not we go through with this. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just have the thought in the back of my mind if we have this baby that the OM will get involved and be a real pain. First of all he isn't a man to begin with because he knew about me and still did what he did. I don't think I would have a problem accepting the baby into my family but I think at this point it would make things 100 times worse. I know what she did was wrong, but then again she is still willing to have this procedure to try to save our marriage. I just want her to do it because she wants to. Alot of men in my position wouldn't have even gave her a chance and just divorced her. I thought at least I was trying something to save my marriage. And perhaps I'm still speaking out of frustation because D day was only 10 days ago. I just know if we keep the baby, that the hardest thing is going to be keeping the OM out of our lives. NC has been another thing I have requested from both guilty sides. I'm still lost, but want to make this work more than ever. This is the love of my life and I don't want to lose her. I have suggests counseling because of prior problems with have had and she has told me that she will not go to counseling and that we will work through this together without counseling.

roughstart, please think about what I have said... an abortion is not just a "procedure"... a biopsy is a procedure, a vasectomy is a procedure... an abortion is beyond all of these.

IF you would consider keeping the baby and moving forward, any chance you guys could move away? Sounds like OM isn't all that interested anyway...

Michael, FWIW I agree, having an A and being dumb enough to NOT use protection (why don't any of them!!!???) is very selfish... still, forcing a W to hae an abortion is also extremely selfish.

OK. I have a tough time believing a post such as your as "legit," but keeping in check my skepticism and taking your post on face value I would say this:

Get out now. Divorce. Don't look back.

You are pro-life so you don't want to force an abortion or you will suffer your entire life that you did so.

Your marriage is troubled from the get-go. No sex since the wedding night? Hard to believe. But obviously possible grounds for a dissolution, or if you are Catholic, an annulment. There are big problems here.

I am assuming you have no other children or previous marriages.

A woman who cheats this early in her first marriage is either very immature (how old did you say the two of you were?) or she is mentally unbalanced.

Either way I would advise you to move on and leave her to deal with the baby issue in her own way. Talk to a lawyer to make sure you are not legally responsible for the child, either, given that you haven't had sex since day 1.

~ Snow

PS (She won't go into counseling? Hrmph! ANother reason to jump ship, mate! If you want to salvage this marriage insist on counseling and hit the road if she refuses).

Hey, wait a minute. I didn't say have an abortion. In fact, reread my post, I said just the opposite. While not making a judgement on abortions in general, I don't think its right to demand one. I do think its fair to not want to have the child in your life, but not to demand an abortion.
Michael

Hello again,

Rereading your letter indicates that you had suspicions that she was cheating on you while you were living together before you were married. By the way I would highly doubt that she only had sex with him one time and got pregnant. Cheating spouses will lie and lie again. It sounds like she has very little credibility. Again I would doubt highly it was only one time. STD testing is a must. I am very sorry for you. What a way to start a marriage. What were the reasons she gave to justify cheating on you and putting your health at such risk being married only 4 months? I don't see how you could possible ever trust her again.

Roughstart -

You and your wife will have to make the decision, but I do fear an abortion will make her dislike you, and have a lot of resentment.

A child is considered the husband's and OM would have no leverage in your marriage. That is, IF your wife agrees to no contact with him.

No, I got that Michael, sorry if I was not clear...

I was actually agreeing with you. Whether "getting rid of" this child via abortion or adoption, it is wrong for the H to insist and force the issue...

I think we are saying the same things in different ways! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I talked to her last night about it again, she stills doesn't want to go to therapy or counseling. She is still insisting we will work through this. I told her that I would be ok with her keeping the baby, but also told her that it would be hard because I don't think I would ever get closer with a constant reminder of the A that had happened. She is going through with the abortion and she said it wasn't for me, that she doesn't want to take the chance of raising a kid that I would possibly hate because he wasn' mine. To be honest with her, I told her that I wasn't sure if I could be the "Dad" that he or she needed to be. I want kids and know I would be an awesome father to them but I don't know if I'm strong enough at 23 years old to take on raising someone elses. I know she is still going to hold it against me for a while but I know she is an extremely strong person for doing this in order to save or marriage. I know I'm going to receive backlash for this update, but I think this is going to make the recovery stage a lot easier. I want to thank everyone for the responses I receieved in trying to work through this. You all and this website are a true blessing.

Avoiding the pro life/abortion debate here.

You have all the right in the world to make demands! She cheated on you. If she decides you are being unfair with your demands and choses to leave... You are better off for it.

Only 4 months invested, I say you get off cheap.

Best of luck to you.

I beleive that the pregnancy, while important, is of secondary concern. Of primary concern is her reluctance towards counseling for this is something that both of you are not equipped to deal and resolve on your own. It MAY be that she is hiding something that she fears might come out in the counseling sessions that just might make you choose to end the marriage once and for all. While you shouldn't force her to do anything that is against her will, you must convey to her that even if the baby was yours, the state of the marriage is in a very grave condition and that the marriage WILL end if both of you make the decision to sweep the issues under the rug and go back to the way things were before D-day [discovery day]. The ball is on her side of the court.

TMCM

I agree with TMCM... I already see so many strikes against you guys here: Too early in the M, no SF since M, pregnancy which you resent the he&& out of (and rightly so) and she will NOT go to counseling??!!

Hate to say it, but without some major interventions and a small miracle, you guys will not get passed this. If you do you are doomed to repeat it as your WW is adamant not to learn or grow or change... you can't do it yourself!

WOW! What a ness!

You state that you are both against abortion. But, you can justify it in your special case? If you truly are prolife this is going to haunt the two of you forever.

I say let the baby be born and find some adoptive parents (before birth) who will provide a loving home for him or her. The baby can be a blessing to a couple yearning for a child.

What you do about your marriage is another story.

Friend, if the above is true, I tell you again that both of you will suffer greatly if your wife aborts this child. Even as hard as it seems to go through a pregnancy now for nine months, I guarantee you a lifetime of regret if this child is aborted.

I like the idea of adoption, if you plan to try to save your marriage. The child will have two loving, stable parents and you and your wife will be free to address your issues and see if the marriage is salvageble. But again, without counseling, I fear your marriage has little chance of surviving.

~ Snow