Well, its ashame but we are getting a divorce after only 3 months of marriage. Her arguing, yelling, screaming, constant up and down moods, violent behavior are no longer tolerable. So now i am wondering what I can do to help prepare for this divorce. I'm not sure this is the right forum for this. We have no children together, no bills together, the home is mine and in my name and we are currently staying in seperate rooms. She has agreed to move out and get an apartment but I am having doubts that she is actively attempting to do that. What can i do to go ahead and prepare or get things going as far as the divorce is concerned. We do not qualify for an annulment in my state and we are required to be seperated for 1 year before being granted a divorce.

was she like this before you got married?

If not, then actually, you are better off getting her out of the house right away, and getting legal advice because you need to protect your assets.

then you need to study up on mental illness and manipulators, and a few other types of RED FLAGS so that you will know how to spot mental illness and be able to walk away. . .

also, what was her reason for getting a divorce the first time? and did you believe her one sided version?

wiftty

Wiftty has good points. Have you started legal proceedings? If not, do so. If she gets violent with you again, call the police and report it. It's not a matter of manly pride, it's a matter of creating a paper trail.

Unless three different lawyers tell you it's okay, do not move out of your house. Well, unless she's so violent you feel you are in danger living with her. Safety first.

We had our moments prior to marriage but it was nothing near this bad. I really don't know how things turned so bad so quick. Don't get me wrong, i have my quirks and issues but I don't believe yelling, screaming, violence, or just plain being nasty to the other person solves anything.

According to her the reason her first marriage of 8 years failed was because of him not wanting to do for the family, he cheated, and they had irreconciliable differences. I believed her in the beginning but I do have my doubts about that now.

I don't want to *make* her move immediately because that would just be plain mean and I don't want that... this is someone i loved and still do love. I would just like to make sure she follows what she initially verbally agreed to. She has stated that she would agree to a no-contest divorce and that she would move by the first week of next month but she can and has been mean spirited in the past which makes it a miserable environment to be around her. I just don't want this dragging out for months waiting for her to move out.

I made an appointment with an attorney this week so that i can get the seperation agreement papers drawn up. Is there anything else I should be doing at this point?

Yeah, schedule a locksmith for the day she's leaving.

Separate your monies asap. And prepare for battle. I doubt she'll go nicely if she's been nasty before. It's just not teh way it works.

UA,

I went back and read all your previous posts.I guess I am wondering: Why did you actually marry this woman? Did you fall into the trap,again,of thinking that if you did things would get better? Your relationship had red flags all over it just as "BF/GF" AND that your W wasn't yet divorced and had time to *heal.She was,technically,still a married woman when you started dating.

It really makes me shake my head when people ignore the obvious.I am sorry you are heading toward a D but to me it's really no surprise.

Good luck though.I hope you will read up on MB principles and apply them to your new life.

O

OctoberGirl, you are very right.. i should have paid attention to the flags from the beginning. I have always thought that if two people truly love each other they can make it no matter what. I guess I've had several wake up calls and i just kept hitting the snooze button. I always concentrated on her wonderful, sweet, caring, loving side and kept thinking the bad stuff would eventually work itself out. Sounds dumb i know, but i fell pretty hard.

well she moved out last week. At first I was just glad she is gone, no headaches when i come home, no arguing, no fighting, no one screaming or constantly blaming me. We agreed to not talk to one another under any circumstances unless it was an absolute emergency. Anyway, the last couple of days, she has been sending me IM's saying she loves me and misses me. I told her the same because I still do love her and I am missing her a little bit. Tonight, she told me she loved me and missed me and we began chatting a bit and before long, she was back to her same way which made me glad we are living apart. How do I stop from missing and wanting to be with her. I really don't think she is going to change or get help and I believe that our marriage is already heading towards its destination of divorce. I already contacted an attorney and he is drawing up the legal seperation papers for me. She asked if we could postpone the seperation paperwork until we keep talking to the marriage counselor a little more. By the way, we are both seeing a new licensed professional counselor seperately. I know this sounds crazy after all i have been thru with her but I really do miss her and the kids. Even though the children aren't biologically mine, I had an attachment with them.

Sounds to me like you are dealing with a passive-aggressive and possibly someone suffering form borderline personality disorder. If she's interested in reconciliation, any consideration of that must be predicated on her getting into psychotherapy and on medication. If she won't do that, there can be no further consideration of reconciliation, especially if she has BPD. They can be nearly impossible to live with without treatment.

Wow! I was married 6 months, but lived with my H for 3 months before it hit the fan. We are divorcing now (he filed), but in our case, there were characteristic flaws in him that made our marriage go down quick. But I didn't file first because I believed in sticking it out and trying to the counseling route first before giving up. I hate giving up right away.

Understand she is emotional and ballistic, but it seems you two haven't tried the counseling route first. My H felt he didn't have a problem, so chose not to attend, but I went every moment I could...

MB has an option where you can try Plan A and Plan B first before the drastic step of D. Now that you are in separate households, you are technically in Plan B but mixing it up with Plan A. Both of you need to cool it. Don't speak to each other for at least a month or two. Give your NEW marriage some breathing room. While you two are taking this break read "The 7 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It goes over primary love languages that you may have and that she may have.

Now on her behavior...I agree with everyone else, she needs to seek counseling. She has some issues that she probably did not let go from her first marriage. If you can convince her to seek help that will be great! But don't force her. Through your calm demeanor and actions, she will accept you differently. Through the book, you will find out things that will bring her back to a more satisfied person. Later she will open up and reveal what is truly bothering her.

So keep your distance for now and take the time to work on yourself, and hopefully she will work on herself. D is such a last minute action. I just hate for you two to do that right out the gate. And especially since you two love each other, it can be worked out. There needs to be compromises on both sides. And both parties must be determined to make it work. But if you hammer down the D now without doing all you could to make it work, you will have the greatest regret ever lived.

There are marriages that have survived drug abuse, adultery, etc...and I mean after years of struggle. I even know a friend whose H left her for a woman next door and lived with her...then after 18 months turned it around and they are the happiest couple ever. Communication is the key...both of you have to roll up the sleeves. You only go for D if one of you truly want out. Because you can't have a one-sided marriage.

Hope this helps and good luck,
Nomoregames

definately a personality disorder or worse. . .

the way to keep from missing her is to

1) see her for who she is, not for whom you want her to be

2) no contact, no IM, only through a lawyer. . .

3) and you would expect her to change overnight? she played you to get you, the personality disorders and the damaged can do that. . . that's how they "get" people to then act out their personality on. . .

time to be strong, and not to put up with krap from anyone. . . you can't do this now, you are doomed to accept krap for the rest of your life. .. or until you decide not to take it. . .

wiftty

won't fix anything.....but check out www.personalitypage.com

See if this information might help you understand each other better.