I have been seperated from my wife for 9 months as she left me and our two kids. She had an affair 5 years ago and then was having another affair to another man when she left. He is now in Iraq and she is comunicated with him by email and plans to see him when he gets back. We have been seeing each other and taking the kids on trips and have been intimate. She does not initiate being with as me as it is mostly me asking her. She calls me just to talk but based on the emails I have seen with this guy she is doing a good job realing him in even using our kids, i.e. sending him photos of them. I also just found our she is still in contact with the first guy by phone so niether are readily avaiable. We were in counceling for 6 months but when it was all said and done the counceler told me to move on as my wife is just not commited to me. My wifes mother told be just to back off and see what will happen as she feels my wife will see things differently. At this point I realy feel I have done my best and maybe that is my only option other than filing for divorce. I feel my wife is just cought up in her desire for attention and to see what she can get and is not looking at what she is loosing which is alot. I feel I have lost the fight and I am having a tough time with this.

My WH and I were separated for a little over a year after I found out about the affair. In the beginning, our situation was very similar to the one you are describing. It was not until I decided to leave him, stop crying and begging him to stop and picked myself up and made the best of what I had that things began to change...although slowly. This was not easy, but I am convinced, as is our counselor, that made him finally realize what he was jeopardizing and could ultimately lose.

What my pastoral counselor explained to me was that part of the whole affair is keeping both parties (OW and spouse) on the rope, never letting one or both go. It becomes a delicate and frustrated juggling act. When one party (OW or spouse) lets go of their end of the rope, the WS is put into a different position, and in my case, caused him to stop the affair and realize that he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

The only one who can determine if divorce is the road to take is you. I pray that God will give you strength to weather this storm and that things will work out for you. Don't give up, but don't let her play you and become a doormat either. She will respect you more for taking a stand.

I appreciate your comments. I have been feeling the effects of the first affair for over 5 years now and this latest one has taken its tole. Now that I know she is now in contact with both of them I just feel I am running out of options. Its like plugging multiple leaks with half a patch. How can you ever trust someone again after this? I feel she has deeper issues that are at play hear and with that I am not sure if she can realy see what she is doing. She has that alcoholic personality and may be bipolar or have other disorders. She comes over to see the kids and most of the time just talks to me about her job which was the case last night. She also wanted me to reasure her she looked good in a bathing suit, which she does. I have told her over and over how great she looks but in this case I realy think she wants to send some photos to her BF in Iraq and is unsure about how she looks so I did not say anything last night which she did not like. I took the photos when we went on vacation just a few weeks ago so that is hard to take. She does not know I know about their plans this fall and I do not plan on telling her as she already knows I looked through her stuff some time ago and found the other emails. She of course was mad and felt I violated her privacy. She does not hide stuff like you would think someone would if they were cheating even though it is at her house. I mean I am there most weekends and have slept in her bed many times. My daughter has seen his photo and she did not say anthing to her but I know it bothers her. I am worried about my kids and the impact this is having. Our intimate relationship makes it even harder for me to back off as I will miss her but being with her does not seam to change her ways or feelings towards me. She needs to miss being with me and maybe since we have been together in a better environment backing off now may be what is takes. I had bought her a real nice pendant for our aniversay which is tomorrow but I have decided not to give it to her but I am not sure if that is the best decision. She did say she was not getting me anything but we were supposed to go out for dinner. I am not sure if we are still going or not. I am sorry for this long message but it is good to let things out.

I am trying what my mother inlaw suggested as well as our counceler in not being a doormat. We talk and kiss each other but I am not going out of my way to see her or be with her. I am not giving her anything for our aniversary even though I bought her something. I am not being rude or anything but just backing off. This is hard and I hope it is the right thing to do at this point. She is hard to read as some times she calls me just to talk and sometimes she does not. She is like that with the kids to. Last night I asked my daughter if her mother knew she was going out and she said mom never knows what we are doing. That was hard to hear as I know it but knowing they feel it is hard.

You are in a really tough situation. Since there are children involved, it is important that you both are civil to each other and not speak bad about each other, especially in front of the children.

The advice I was given by my counselor was to speak with my WH only about the children and any other "business" that needed to be discussed. His personal day-to-day activities and life he was leading at the time were off limits.

This was very difficult for me during our separation. Any attention that he wanted to give me and any time that he wanted to spend with me I wanted no matter what. What made it even harder was that he would be so "nice" and "caring" toward me during the time we spent together, but he still left me each and every time to go be with his girlfriend. This went on month after month. Then I decided to take the advice I had been given.

When I stopped talking to him every time he called, sometimes whining about problems with the OW, and spoke to him only about the children and our joint financial matters (we put our house on the market during this time) that I think he began to view me differently. As I mentioned before, this did take some time and I went through periods of extreme sadness, frustration, and ANGER!

If you want to save this marriage, I would pass on the same advice that was given to me. Until she leaves this other person(s) completely, I would not spend any more time with her than necessary and conversations would be civil but a minimum.

I will continue to pray for you!

I got away this weekend with a friend which was nice. When I was away I spoke to my wife a few times, twice on our anniversary (I called her once she called me once) and once when I was on my way home (she called me). She made dinner at her when I got back house and I ended up spending the night which went against my plan. It was evident she wanted to be with me and I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she said yes. I also ended up giving her the pendent I had bought so I gave it all up. I am just too easy but it is hard to play hard to get with her. We both had a great time so maybe just being away and showing her I can do things without her helped, I am not sure. She did seam more attentive than she has been which was also nice. She also mentioned she should have been more assertive in our marriage but she did not want to go against me. This was an issue and I was surprised she just brought it up out of the blue.

Hello,

Your wife is a cakewoman who enjoys having a husband and a lover on the side. As long as you enable her to do this things will not change. She has the best of both worlds.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What a terrible message that is being given to your children. She has cheated on you in the past and is currently cheating on you putting your health at risk for STD's. Enabling her affairs without consequences sends a message to her that you are a doormat and there is nothing attractive about being a doormat. I know these words are harsh but they are true. It is sad that your wife disrespects you so much but even sadder that you disrespect yourself.

I am in a similar position in that my wife had an affair, but when I found out, she ended it. The problem is that she says she never really deeply loved me. We have 2 boys 7 & 9 that we both cherish, but she wants to move on to find true love before she is too old (38). Has anyone out there overcome this? She believes she married me to be safe. Needs passion &
a deeper love? I want to provide that, but she won't let me in now.

Only my wife really knows what she is doing. I feel it’s like a double edge sword. If I meet her needs I am a doormat and If I do not she will get them met by someone else. The first four months after she left me we had no physical contact at all. Gradually it progressed to what it is now. Having her want to have sex with me is a big change. This was the first time she initiated it in over a year. To my knowledge she is not having a physical affair with anyone right now. That is probably due to availability and it may change. If it does I will be out of the picture and if that happens which it may she will have experienced what it could have been with me. This maybe the wrong thing to do.

Carbuff..yep it's going to be really hard, but you need to do it. Hon, you've only live with half a woamn for a long time now.

And you are wrong if you think all you offer is sex. Right now you are meeting her needs for conversation, domestic support, parenting, you are feeding her ego..In short she is taking all you can give and giving very little in return.

She has no boundries with you and she knows it. This is very similar to a kid that knows he can get whatever he wants by whining, cajoling, pleading and pouting. In short..you are enabling her behavior.

This is where plan B may be the only thing you can do to save yourself.

T

What is plan B?

CB...here's the info from this site on Plan A and B...HOWEVER. Get a copy of Surviving An Affair as it has much more information.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Read this and let me know if you have any questions
T

I reviewed the A and B plans and I have completed plan A although she is not making a comitment to me or is hounest with letting go of the other person. I realy feel it is just a matter of time when he will be back in the picture. I think she has a better sence of what is at stake now but her feelings towards me are realy in question. She does not tell me she loves or misses me. I think he is something she wants to concur due to money and status, i.e. he is a Doctor and I am an Engineer. There is a thrill aspect of it as well I am sure. With this said I know what I have to do it is just doing it is what is very difficult.

Oh Hon, I know it's hard..it was hard for me too.

And it sounds as if you have been in a pretty good plan A mode for quite some time.

Maybe you should start to put some thought into planning your Plan B..and maybe even your Plan B letter.

Sometimes, getting a plan formed will help you be stronger and feel a little more in control.

Let me know if you need some help.
T

Based on where we are at right now would there be any benifit to contacting the other person? I have his email address and enough information to know what has been going on. I am sure he is not aware of the relationship I have with my wife as he is in Iraq. I have also considered contacting his ex wife. I am not sure how she can continue a relationship with me and continue with him at the same time. She seams obsessed with him like he is some god or something.

Hmmmm...you know..the only person I contacted was the OW..and that certainly shead the "light of day" on the A.

However..you HAVE been separated..and he probably knows that..so I wonder exactly what you would say.

Now that I think about it...no...I think a good plan B would be much more of a wake up for her..and it would certainly bring more order into your chaotic world.

Does she ever have the kids?
T

She left when the kids were still in school so they stayed with me through the week and they would go to her house on the weekends. This was not acceptable to me as I would do all the running and she would get the leasure time with them. I want to be flexable for the kids and as they have frinds and their own lives they sometime stay at home on the weekends. Lately I have been spending more and more time at her house as we would go out to dinner etc. and then I would stay there. So basically she has sucked us into her new life. It is hard to seperate your lives when you have kids as they like us togehter which is how it should be. I just can not figure out how she can not see what she is throwing away.

I have not contacted the OP yet. I am not rocking the boat although I may have to. We spent the weekend togehter and we did allot of talking. She is not committing to comming back and based on the emails she recieved a few months ago she was told to set boundries with me and not send me mixed signals. Well having sex with me 2 to three times a week and going on vacation with me tends to send me mixed signals so I am sure the OP does not know this. I have looked him up on the internet and something seams odd to me. He apparently is a doctor but based on his emails he can not even type. Has anyone completed a background check with an online service and are they complete? I also have his email address and her email address and was also wondering if a PI can get access to the emails? That would tell me allot as to who is lying to who.

I had a birthday party for my Daughter this past weekend which went well with over 25 kids there. My wife brought some food and supplies for the party and stayed the night which was the first time she has stayed in the house since she left. I saw her the night before at her house and I did not feel well so I went home and did not stay there. I talked to her in the morning before the party and she talked about me being sick and that I just left kind of insinuating I could have stayed although she did not invite me to. When she got to my house I was busy getting ready for it which I had been all week even though I was sick. When I came in she was mad because I was not in the house to help her put the food out. That was upsetting as I had work so hard and she just said some of the things I had been doing could have waited or should have been done earlier. Even my daughter had told her how hard I had been working to get ready for the party. I just think something was up and she really did not want to be there that day. She had her cell phone on her all day which was unusual.
We did have a good time at the party and talked the next morning. She said she was not coming home and was fine the way we are living. She also mentioned she has no desire to be a "wife" again and she also talked about money again which appears to be her main focus. The things she writes in her multiple notebooks all focus on a fantasy life and having an abundance of money to travel and have any time of car she wants to drive, etc. She tells me they are not many people she can realy comunicate with that understands her way of thinking. She also wrote that she felt being a good wife she would have the things she wanted. I am really not sure what she is lacking as we have money and a real nice home and new vehicles it just is not enough. I read some about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and wow she has all the symptoms. She also has symptoms of BPD and BP which I new. I had mentioned to her recently that I really am not sure if she ever really loved me. I sometimes feel I was just a way for her to have a lifestyle she wanted. The more I think about it the more I believe it is possible. I know she had told her friend she would not date anyone without money. That is not easy to take as I look back on 16 years of marriage as a possible mirage.

My wife spoke to her mother on Sunday. I did not know this until Tuesday night but I could sence something was up as she had not responded to my emails although I was not asking for one. She finally said her mother was upset with the letter my mom had sent to her (her mother). The thing is there really was nothing in the letter that was not true. It just mentioned my mother was worried about our kids and how my wife was more interested in her job than her family. She also mentioned my wife was too concerned about getting old. My wife commented to me that this letter did not bother her and she was not concerned about getting old although just a few days before she told me she was staying at 40 and was not recognizing that she would soon be 41. I mentioned that to her but did not get into anything else. I know her mother told her in a letter that I could not get past the fact she cheated on me and that she could not go back to me. Now this is a woman that left her husband as she was cheating on him and now thinks about him every day, so go figure. Anyway, we took my daughter out to dinner for her birthday (which is when she told e about talking to her mother) and then my wife invited me to come over to her house so I did. I stayed the night but she was as cold as ice. I am sure what her mother told her may have shaken her up some but she is not talking about it. I could tell my sone was quite that night ans I told my wife about it. She went to talk to him and told me he is confused about what is going on. She told him we could be like other people that go though separation and divorce and be nasty to each other and not spend family time together but we have decided to not be like that. But of course she did not tell him about the OMen.
I picked up my kids from her house after work as they wanted to go home and they told me they did not like her house and really appreciated our home. I told them that meant allot to me that they liked being home as I put allot of effort in it to be nice. I think the newness of just having another place to go has worn off.
I also found a notebook that had a calculation for child support at her house that dated back to 2002 so this was well thought out. Since the kids are with me I am not paying her anything.
Her mother also missed my daughter’s birthday as she did my sons so she is really not very concerned about them and what she has told me is allot of drama and false concern. If she really cared she would call them and see how they are. There is allot of similarities between my wife and her mother that I am now seeing. The thing is my wife used to be different and always complained about the things her mother did or did not do when they were young and now she is doing the same things. I though by now she would see the light but all I see and hear is denial. Do they ever wake up?