What would you guys suggest is the best approach in dealing with a stubborn husband who claims to be a chrisitan but I am not sure...he doesn't show or feel any grace in his life or extend it to others...especially "our" children. (they are mine from my previous marraige) NOw, I know I am a protective mom, who was married before and whose husband was awful...my husband now, is of-course better than my previous womanizing husband. My current husband is a lot older than I am and brought his two girls up alone almost. He has never had to share much in the way of parenting. I don't feel he listens to me when I tell him it bothers me he is so critical of the kids and he is harsh with them. It really drives a wedge between us, but he doesn't feel that it is "unjustified" when they are making mistakes. The mistakes are normal kid mistakes...I just feel angry a lot at him and need a lot of prayer...I don't want a divorce but I think about it. I need God to soften his heart to realize people make mistakes! INcluding him! I feel frustrated most of the time, although I have spoken about this with him, he doesn't seem to change his behavior. His daughters say he has always been stressed out and critical and quick to anger. I didn't see this side before we were married! Help and advice and prayer would be awesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> [color:"red"] [/color]

Well, you got a couple ways to go here...

Scripturally, the verse that probably applies is from Luke "... out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks...". I dont' have the reference in front of me, but it's the same one where it goes "Judge not lest ye be judged... COndemn not... ". etc.

So from there, you can do the math. He may be a Christian in name-only, but he's certainly not demonstrating it.

A couple things.

o) The two of you need to reach agreement on parenting. They are your kids, not his, and until the two of you have reached agreement, he should be deferring *all* parenting issues, especially those of correction to you. And you should ask him to stop now. WHile you are married, you also have 2 children to protect as well, and you have the obligation to protect them from abuse regardless of the source. They will model or find acceptable in their own relationships the behavior they see in their parents.

o) Harsh words are pretty much *always* unjustified as a first response. I have a post on "respond not react" over in the EN forum you might find useful.

I suspect that some of this just comes from not having details hammered out before tying the knot. I would read the material on this site especially the Basic Concepts section and the sections on radical honesty and negotiation in marriage.

I somewhat disagree with bullet point #1—no offense.

That sounds "right" in theory, but I submit to you that it doesn't work—at least not well; it doesn't serve to cultivate marital unity and "foundation" (which the marriage at hand is supposed to be; and that husband's money and home and food and a host of other resources of his support the children.

You two do need to reach an agreement on parenting. That agreement should be what works for you guys (Policy of Joint Agreement), not an idea from an outside source that all issues should be deferred to you... They're still children, and children do take advantage of their bio parents when they see an opportunity —> how much more their stepparents? Granted, the husband may need to back off somewhat, because children don't receive discipline well without love; however, they do need to continue to view him as an authority. Lame duck is dangerous.

Queen, would you call this a case of abuse or a case of your husband being biased and unfair toward them?

I will vouch for Queen and say many issues don't come out prior to marriage because they just aren't relevant, or the circumstances that later produce them don't, at that time, exist. You are right, Bro. Mathisen. Many of these come about from being all under one roof, from being in a marital commitment and covenant, whereas that wasn't there before, and from things that have developed subsequently about which one or both parties have developed feelings but either don't have or don't take advantage of a forum to deal with them adaptively.

And, aside from this instance, in the absence of that doting, pride-and-joy, apple-of-your-eye, sunshine-of-your-life, true-parent kind of love, then even procedural run-of-the-mill correction and teaching over time feels critical and bristling, especially to that spouse/bio-parent.

I'm not talking about you Queen; Bro. Mathisen has already addressed certain parts, but it would help sometimes if bio parents could come around to see things that they do (or don't do) that are contributing (like making a man feel like an outsider in his own house that he's supposed to be head of... YOU find the fulcrum.).

Thoughts?

Queen, ...make your requests known to God... (Philippians 4:6-7)

In a perfect world, sure.

This world isn't perfect. The kids need stability and consistency *especially* when bringing a new parent on board. Being part of a tug of war between parents serves nothing, and I submit the real parent is the best authority to manage the children while the other parent integrates themselves into the kids lives.

At some time in the future, there will be equal responsibility. But the current situation is grossly unfair to the children, who arebeing thrown to the wolves so to speak with a parenting paradigm on the part of one parent that they had no part in either shaping nor does he have the benefit of the years of participation with them forming the parenting relationship.

It's *his* obligation to make the effort to parent in a manner consistent with the mother, and it's his and the Mother's obligation to POJA areas that he happens to disagree with.

But there is no excuse for taking his frustrations out on the kids, regardless of his motivation. Since his actions are serving no useful purpose, and in fact driving a wedge between himn and the kids and him and the wife, I submit that stepping back and removing this problem from his purview is a reasonable first step to establishing harmony.

As to th emoney issue, he knew about the kids before he got married (so I assume), being the supplier of food and shelter does not somehow confer special privileges.

Bro. Mathisen, I agree with this post.

But a few points:
I didn't say that Queen's husband should have equal responsibility at all—I don't believe that. Your first response sounded to me as if you were saying that he should defer ALL correction to her (i.e., totally butt out)... That's what I didn't agree with. It's his "home" too. Integrating, I agree with. I did speak as to the "history" (trust) matter regarding discipline w/o love... I did likewise agree that he may need to back off, if that was missed...

I never meant to create an excuse for husband's actions... What he's doing is not working. It needs to change. Period. ...I only meant to encourage Queen to not merely focus on putting a stop to his harmful behavior but to also examine the source of it... That is coming from somewhere. It is probably (definitely) worth looking at, else, it will come up again in another form if not dealt with.

As to your last comment, Bro. Mathisen, I think that a person being a husband and provider and even father figure to an extent (just a "step" away from a natural father) but being totally hands-off regarding the children of his wife sounds good in a "perfect world". I agree: the world is not perfect—my point exactly. In reality, you just can't be totally hands off with the children in your house... I just don't find it works that way. Aunts and uncles aren't purely hands-off, teachers aren't purely hands off, neither are baby-sitters aren't purely hands-off...and they're not even doing what they do in their own house in a permanent, ongoing way, that is. In our humanity I find our orientation is in fact mixed: we want the spouse to provide (or, on the other hand, be nurturing) and be a "parent" in X, Y and Z ways (*may I add: e.g, can you take, can you pick up, can you drop off, can you buy, can she use your this, can you fix her that, can you help her w/her homework, can you take off work to take her to the doctor, she's left w/you when bio parent leaves town for a week and you're full-time "daddy" then and that's perfectly okay then...), but then we act as if they don't exist in A, B and C ways and make them no-count—even in the eyes of the children (who will treat them as no-count if that's who they are shown that they are)... Then when the pivotal person desires the family warm-fuzzy experience, they wonder why no one is participating or of like sentiment... I believe that even if a husband is not acting as a "father" to the children, the wife can nonetheless see to it that the children respect him as an authority (not much different than she would with an uncle, teacher, baby-sitter) and as the man and head of his house (her house/their house). ...Sometimes the natural parents are likewise thoughtless in ways they haven't even considered, if we don't find that impossible to believe... Sometimes they too could afford to turn a few knobs to help get to the desired results.

Queen and her husband have to carve out a path and a pace that works for everybody involved. I just don't think that being even as much as an uncle or teacher or babysitter is a "special privilege" to the man of the house. Wanting that spouse to be a part of your life but not a part of your family, in fact—I don't think that will ultimately create harmony, and I think it's nonsense when we back up and remember that this is a marriage...they are not roommates. Like you said, Bro. Mathisen, the integration activity is important, because, I believe, it's what keeps everyone from living in a house divided against itself. I pray that Queen and her husband find what works for them.

Sorry for any misunderstanding. I didn't mean for my differing points of view to be offensive.

I'm sorry, Queen. ...Just now getting back to a position to write... Rather than addressing subsequent posts, anything I said further should have addressed you and your situation (I am in a "stepfamily" as well).

PRAY BEFORE YOU SAY a single word...
Pray God's word back to Him; pray over yourself, your husband, your children, and the household... Pray for wisdom; pray for godly love and compassion/mercy (which triumphs over judgment); pray that both you and your husband be good soil which will receive what the other has to say and bear fruit accordingly; pray over each other's hearts, that the Lord make them soft and humble and clean and new; and invite the Holy Spirit into the situation to do a transformative and enduring work, according to the will and pleasure of the Father.

Consider initiating this talk where your husband is most comfortable, be it the bedroom you share, away from the house at your favorite restaurant, maybe over his favorite meal at home while the children are away... You know.

This is where prayer over your husband's wife (YOU) is critical, so that you will not be critical yourself in your speech but gracious (like you want him to be) and loving (in spite of how what he is doing makes you feel) and gentle and productive. He will be defensive, even if you speak with syrup and sugar, because again, there is a reason why this is happening, plus conviction makes one stare himself in the face. (And then there's that extra ego/pride component.) You just don't want him to be defensive above the baseline.

Speak in terms of how it makes you FEEL, if you can. Advice I got from a sister in Christ this morning: depersonalize it if you can. You said you are a protective mother—frame your conversation in terms of how "protective mothers" (in general) can and tend to feel... Just so he can understand... Because what you're feeling (and what you're observing) really is not rare at all...

That's all I can say. With the Lord in the midst, He will always lead us if we let Him (even if we don't like it or don't see the full picture at first).

When you pray over your husband's wife (well BEFORE this conversation ever happens), pray for abundant grace for yourself and an increase of faith in the Lord because things might not change immediately...
The Lord dealt with me this weekend—I was even angry that He was still dealing with me and not yet seeming to even address my husband. But I "got it". The last-minute-changed sermon was "Dealing Daily With Discouragement", through which, in addition to things He was already dealing with me about, He let me know that a) I have some changing to do too, and b) that He was girding me up to hang in there, in that things for me are not about to change just yet...
Cover yourself here so that you do not lose faith. I might say that hopelessness is lethal. Romans 5:1-5 tells us not to lose hope because (in Christ) hope does not disappoint. The Lord knows the end (Jeremiah 29:11) from the beginning and needs most our patience (and even long-SUFFERING!), and our obedience, our seeking of and submissiveness to His will, and our FAITH.

This doesn't have to be a destructive encounter; pray that what is now a stumbling block becomes a building block for "Marriage-Building", which is what this website is all about! It may feel like more breaking is happening afterward, but God can construct awesome things to His glory out of brokenness and nothingness... Stand in faith that He can and He will! God loves you and will never fail you nor destroy you! Sometimes you may fall but you will not be utterly cast down because the Lord is the One who holds your hand.

Peace