I’m looking at different options in regard to filing for divorce. My WW is having an affair and we are separated. At first she said that she wanted a divorce and that she would file. However, she hasn’t filed and I am thinking of doing it myself so that I can continue to get on with my life and set up my own bank account etc..

Emotionally, I was just wondering if it helps you as a BS to file for divorce or if this is something that you left to your WS? I was thinking that by making her file she might realize the burden of ending a marriage and that she is the one that pulled the trigger, however, part of me thinks that if I did it myself if it would be a release in that I was taking control of the situation?

If you do nto want a divorce, do NOT file for one.
Don't discuss it if you do not want one.

However, she hasn’t filed and I am thinking of doing it myself so that I can continue to get on with my life and set up my own bank account etc..
???
You can set up a bank account without getting a divorce...
What else can't you do now that a divorce would enable you to do?

Listen to Chris...he's a smart guy who really helped put some brainpower on my specific issues.

Do you WANT a divorce?

Do you WANT to work on your M?

Depending on which is your correct answer will dictate your course of action.

From someone who has been there...give your M your absolute BEST shot before D'ing.

If it comes to that...make SURE you that you DON'T want to be M'ed to your WW any more...

You will regret it later...

Best of luck to you...

WNB

Unless you are truly READY and WANT a divorce then do not file! HOWEVER, you need to file before your Wife does. Divorce is NOT PRETTY! If you honestly feel you have tried everything in your power to recovery your marriage, then dont file. Once divorced you cant turn back. However, once FILED you can put it on hold or withdraw it completely!

When I filed, I felt good. about 3 days later, I felt awful and put it on hold at H's request. I reinstated it again in May and it is now in full swing. I know that this is best for me and my children, however, I cant say I am happy about divorcing. No one ever wants to divorce.

I am scared and anxious right now. I dont know what my future holds ,except that I wont be married anymore. I am also having to sell our beloved home. Divorce is NOT something to think lightly about. Please think, think and think again about it!

I agree with NOT filing and ESPECIALLY not even discussing the D if it's not something you truly want. My wife left me in Jan. 2004 and after 5 months of her being gone and feeling almost NO HOPE for a future together, I started to lean on her about filing. "I don't want the divorce but since you do why don't you just file already? What are you waiting for?" was all I could say for the next couple of months.

After those months passed with no papers being filed I finally put my foot down and let her know that if she didn't file them right away, I would. Well, she filed alright. But then after she filed it was pretty much on hold for another 7 months until I put pressure on her again. "I don't want this divorce but since you do will you please just get it over with so I can move on?" Well, she got it over with alright. It was official on April 16th of this year. On Mother's Day she called me and wanted me to come over to talk (90 mile drive). I did. We've been dating ever since but we are NOT MARRIED, and that is so unfortunate. We are both devastated by that.

Don't make the same mistake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You need to weigh the pros and cons based on YOUR STATE. For example, if your wife is living with OM but is entitled to half your salary, is running up credit card debt, and otherwise ruining you financially, you may have to take action.

Talk to your laywer if this is the case.

As to the healing aspect... I think that really depends on you. Some people do feel much better after they take control and say "NO, I do not want to live like this any more." Some feel driven to divorce and wonder "what if"?

There's no one answer.

My WW is continueing to have a EA with a co-worker that she was intimate with in March. He is a married man with two kids and lives in England. He was here in the states for 3 weeks last month. I just found out that they had he basically stayed in her apartment the whole time and they were intimate. So she basically lied and did deceitful things to me the whole month.

She's truely in a fog and blames the A on problems within our marriage. It's because of this belief that my IC doesn't think she'll become unstuck anytime soon. She is pursuing talks with an attorney and has offered to give me the house, 1/2 of the savings, and the paid off vehicle because she feels guilty for the whole thing. She hasn't really showed much remorse though.

Would I like to have my WW back? It's hard to say, if I did get her back I would forever have to look over my shoulder. We've been married for 3 years with no kids so my losses aren't as bad as they could be. I don't want our marriage to end, but her past reflects EA's with co-workers, some even married, and I believe it is a problem that she has had for sometime. The fact that she had a physical relationship with a married man sickens me and is something that I don't know if I can get over.

I just didn't know if it mattered if I filed or her. Currently I am having her do all the work: talking to the attorney, mortgage company, etc. I want her to realize how much work D is and what it entails. Currently she can't bear to take many of her items out of the house and just has the basics in her apartment. But she is still pursuing D. It's just so confusing.

having been through a divorce, although with kids, and having some of that wisdom in my tagline, if i had to do it all over again, i would have filed before I had kids, and was too emotionally immature to break off what i suspected was not a good marriage. . .

my suggestion is that without kids, you finally get to see what your W believes is the role of a wife and how she will treat you in the future. . . do you want to have kids with this wife, because with kids comes a bunch more hard decisions, compromises, and coordination as well as leadership. If you still do, then let her do the work.

If you don't, then take a stand and start the preceedings yourself. Tell yourself and others what you will put up with and what you won't. . . tell anyone who inquires that you don't put up with being treated badly, and you will cut your relationship when other's treat you badly. . .

those statements and actions will empower you in the future, as you will gain valuable experience to learn from and to use again, if necessary. That is not to say the decision comes easily or lightly, however, after having put up with similar crap, the wisdom in me says, don't take it for a moment more, there are much better people out there who can respect a decent man.

wiftty

Don't allow your emotions and love for your wife to keep you from protecting yourself. At least talk to an attorney and see what the laws are in your state.

I'm with LoversFirst1997 on this. You MUST consult an attorney and the sooner the better. I positively gaurantee that your wife has an attorney and probably has had one for some time. Your wife could be stalling on the divorce at the advice of her attorney. As your wife, even thought you are spearated (and I'm assuming without a formal seperate maintenance agreement in place), she has specific legal rights, which could enjoin you from any number of financial and legal actions. And, yes, divorce lawyers will often advise clients to set traps for the spouse they are planning to divorce, and these traps can cost you a lot of money.

How does it feel to file? Having never done it, I can only guess. But my heart tells me it would feel like an admission of failure.