My STBXW called me yesterday frantic because she owes her attorney $2000 and she is threatening to drop her as a client if she can't do something about this.

I didn't know what to say except that I was sorry for her situation and that she should continue to try and negotiate with her lawyer about a bill paying schedule.

The problem is that the expensive part of this D process could be just starting. If she's already not paying her attorney the expenses are going to be overwhelming pretty quickly.

What will happen if her attorney drops her? Will my STBX be able to halt the proceedings since she won't have a lawyer or will I continue to be able to push things forward? I'm not trying to kick her while she's down but this has been going on for two and a half years and I want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I actually had thought of helping her out myself if it would speed up the process, that's how badly I want to get this done. I realize that would be nuts, besides the fact that I don't have the extra money to help her out anyway.

I am going to talk with my own attorney about this after the weekend, but was wondering if anyone has any experience or knowledge about this particular situation.

starman

So, she's the ws and she started everything and now she can't afford it? What are the logical consequences of her actions? Will she have to face reality sooner if you look at her and go "So, what are your intentions?"

Who actually filed? If you filed, you may end up having to pay her expenses. If she filed, I'd be inclined to let her figure out the solutions and then take the appropriate action.

Starman,

You are NOT responsible for her predicament. Why not respectfully suggest to her to go to one or more of her OM and ask for a loan. After all they gladly helped to put her in this situation, they should be more than happy to pitch in so they can totally enjoy her without the complications of being a married woman. If they turn her down then it will teach her a valuable lesson about the consequences of betraying the one person who loved her for the thrills of sexual variety. Let her take her lumps for once and you may end up helping her more to grow up into an actual adult.

TMCM

cinderella,

Yes she was the WS and she is the one who ended up filing, although I would have done it within a couple of days if she hadn't. I have no way of knowing for sure but I get the feeling that her attorney was just pressing to get her to take her payments seriously and that something will be worked out. If not then I don't know what her options will be. It's hard for me to feel too sorry for her and even harder not to gloat (just a little)! Thank you.

TMCM,

You are correct as usual. I also would not put it past her to try and borrow money from WHOEVER she can. Unfortunately for her this would only be a temporary fix. She took enough money out against her car to pay her attorney the retainer and she has obviously not paid her a dime since. The bills are not going to quit coming and she isn't going to be able to borrow enough to keep her attorney happy through the rest of this process.

My own selfish concerns have me worried about how this will effect the timing of our D. I had really hoped to have this wrapped up by the early fall and I wonder what she might be able to do to delay things if she does end up losing her lawyer. Thanks for the repy.

starman

You had hoped to have it wrapped up...but, what if that doesn't happen? Can you exist where you are and just let her endure the consequences? What will happen to you, financially and emotionally, if you maintain as you are?

As she is the petitioner in this case, she can simply drop the suit against you and you would remain married. She could regroup and start the whole process over again if and when she is better funded.

If you want the divorce regardless of her actions, then you would have to file.

ba109 has told you the obvious.

What I was getting at is: are you willing to look at her and say, "You started this. You filed. You wanted a divorce. You figure out how to get it. But, I'm not helping you"?

Can you do that? If you can, you stay married and she may learn a lesson about consequences.

If you can't do it, you can file.

The truth is that, if you can't afford a divorce, you stay married.

You can do a divorce here in Ohio for well under $300 and a mediator to hammer things out...without a mediator if you agree...

I think it was something like $225 to file and get it finalized here.

Maybe you can just get her to agree to a settlement without lawyers. Maybe even save yourself some green in the process.

cinderella,

I would be okay if things got pushed off longer. I don't like being in limbo and I would like to have some sort of social life again, but we've been at this for well over two years now so if it ends up taking some extra time I'll live.

My attorney has told me to be patient. I have custody the way I would want it to stay and all our assets have already been divided up. It's really just about getting some closure at this point.

I was willing for a long time to try and save my M. My STBX has several times in the past been confused about what she wants. Unfortunately she has never been REALLY serious about R. Her behavior hasn't changed for years now so I finally accepted that it was time to move on.

ba109,

I think that is the worst case scenario. If she does then I assume that I would immediately refile myself, unless I was going to end up getting stuck with her legal bills also. I'm not sure how that works, I'll have to talk with my attorney about that one.

RebornMan and slapnuts,

I am going to talk with her about doing this through a mediator. I doubt that she will agree because we have major differences about custody, but it's worth a try. When she first got hit with this from her attorney she was ready to just give up and let me handle it. She gets that way when she gets emotional. Usually she regroups and figures out something, which is what I would expect this time too. Now is the time to bring it up though, she is never going to be more inclined to agree to it then she is now.

Thanks everyone.

starman

STBX called and told me that her attorney asked her for another $500 that she didn't have and was told that she was going to have to be dropped as a client. So STBX is simply going to stop paying her at all and has no idea what she is going to do now.

I don't know what's going to happen. I tried to call my attorney, but he was in court all day so I will have to wait until tomorrow. I hadn't been posting for a while because things were just rolling right along. I kind of figured it wouldn't continue to be this easy. Oh well, we'll just wait and see what happens next!

starman

Talk about poetic justice...That's right, it's me...Nomoregames...and I have been so busy I haven't had the chance to breathe. Starman you and I are in a similar boat. I would bet your STBX and my STBX will probably think about the old BB King tune..."It's cheaper to keep 'er."

My STBX, out of the sky blue, decided he wanted to settle out of court. No reason, no explanation. Which is unfortunate because I really wanted to stand in front of him and see his face when he explains why he walked out and filed. So I put in my demands which include repayment for all that I put towards the marriage (I tried to be fair by deducting all costs he incurred in the grand total). In a 6 month marriage (3 of which living together), this comes to $18k. I even tried to be fair in his repayment method ($300/month, $35 late fee if received after the 1st of the month).

I guess Starman, after what you and I went through with two purely immature and disillusioned people, as Christians it is our task, I think, to help them to understand that you don't crap on people without consequences. Sure you can pay for your W's legal fees and just get it over with, but what lesson would she learn from it? It doesn't seem anyone in her family can teach her anything, so this may be her last chance in getting a spanking or two. If you can emotionally sustain it, which is what the other responder was getting at, let go and let God take over for her. I am sure she wants out of the marriage REAL bad. So if she was woman enough to say she wanted out, then she is woman enough to find a way to make it happen. Just like my H...he was man enough to walk out (which is really not a manly thing to do), then he is man enough to pay me back for my legal fees and all other monies I paid to help him. Instead of a gift he can take it as a no interest loan...meaning you have to pay back. His family never helped him to mature, so I may be the last 'wake-up' call in his life.

Now there is a caveat...you don't want her to drag on forever and a day trying to get the money to divorce you...so there may be a time when you can verbally help her (not financially) on suggestions on how to fund it. And in my case, I am not going to haggle back and forth with my STBX on settlement terms...It is his turn to agree to my terms (knowing him, he will want to tweak something), then we will both sign off on it and move on our marry way.

Life goes on...and Starman, you and I can move on with a clear conscious. That is the beauty of it. I can sleep knowing I did all that I could to make it work. And so did you.

So try to avoid being a crutch for her...it is about time she learned how to be a woman and not a little girl. Sometimes you have to watch them stumble and fall before they can pick themselves up and walk upright.

God Bless,
Nomoregames <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Nomoregames,

Well hello stranger! My computer has been down for the last week so I just saw your reply.

You sound strong and confident emotionally, that's good to hear. I very much understand you wanting to make your STBX have to stand up and explain himself in front of you and a judge. That is definitely one of my favorite daydreams!

If your STBX follows through true to form, he should be fairly agreeable to your settlement offer. I would think the thing most on his mind would be to get this done so he could run away from all of it as quickly as possible.

I did get a chance to talk with my attorney. He told me that since we filed a counter petition that my STBX can't stop the process just because she can't work things out with her lawyer. That was all I needed to hear. This is going to continue so she HAS to figure out something one way or the other. I know her attorney would like to keep her on because she likes her on a personal level, but I also know that my STBX is going to have trouble paying her anything but a very small monthly payment. If she is determined to let this go to trial (at this point she still is) then the bill is going to get crazy in a hurry. I don't know if her attorney likes her THAT much, but I don't have to worry about any that now.

We certainly did all we could do to make things work. There are so many people that come here realizing too late that they didn't try hard enough when they had the chance. I am so thankful that I was able to find God and this little community when I did. I could have easily ended up with the same regrets, and no way left to try and change things. We really do have a lot to be thankful for.

It was good to hear from you again. Thanks for the update and words of encouragement. Keep us posted on how things are going, I look forward to celebrating when this is all REALLY put behind us. God Bless.

starman

[color:"blue"] Starman,

Divorce is a three part process. One is the marriage divorce, two is the custody arrangement, and three is the property settlement. Any of those three "counts" can be separately negotiated and settled - and it should be independent of each other.

Now, a lot of times in PA (my state) the judge won't sign the divorce paper because they want leverage for you to finalize the other two.

In your case, if the property settlement is done, and the divorce is done - tell your lawyer to draw up two orders and you and your stbx sign them and file them. Let her fight the custody separately - although she will lose if the children are living with you now...

V.[/color]

Sunnyva39,
Thanks so much for that insight. Going to court is such a frightening thing...you hear so many horror stories in divorce cases. But they always say there is a will and a way. So I appreciate that you don't have to have everything lumped into one case.

Starman,
Again, I am so glad things are heading in your favor.

I feel stronger because I finally let my H go emotionally. Sometimes you sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is waaaayyy too much life to live and I intend on doing that. Besides, I am in the military and was recently told I have to do my time in Southwest Asia. So I feel the Lord worked through me to get over this hurdle, because there was a bigger hurdle to worry about in my near future. I knew I would get called up, but just didn't know how soon. What is so ironic in this whole situation...is that there is a Armed Forces Service Member's Act that allows a military person to legally put any legal issues on hold...meaning if my H wanted a quickie D, then he has another thing coming...He has to wait until I return (unless we come to an agreement before I leave...which is within days). So not only is the case in my favor, but I also have some reigns on when it will be finalized. Last comment I heard from my attorney was that he was shocked I had any terms for settlement at all...which amazes me that he was planning to walk scott free. Wow!

As I always say...vengeance is not mine but the Lord's. And God sure is getting a kick out of this situation.

Take care and God Bless,
Nomoregames

sunny,

Thank you, very helpful as usual! I hadn't been thinking about it as three distinct parts, it makes it much easier to get a well rounded plan together that way. I am going to talk with my attorney about this today.

Nomoregames,

I remember those first feelings I had when I was really able to accept that my life was going to be very different than what I had planned. It was a feeling of freedom and peace that I had been missing for a long time. As time goes by I find these feelings getting stronger as I learn more about myself and the healing continues.

You certainly do have other things to concern yourself with don't you? I have a great amount of respect for our military and the people who serve in it. Thank you for your service to our country.

Now for the questions. Where exactly are you going to be deployed? How long are you going to be there? What will you be doing? Will you have access to a computer so that you can keep in touch? Do you have time to answer any of this?

Take care, I will be praying for you.

starman

I agree with everyone else that this is your STBX's problem, not yours. Why isn't her wonderful new honey running to her rescue?

Has your attorney discussed the possibility of filing a counter-complaint? Mine recommended this if if W started playing games. I could file a counter-compliant with survivorship so that if, for some reason, my W or her attorney stalled things or withdrew her complaint, mine would stand and the divorce would continue to go forward. This was recommended because sometimes a filing spouse and his/her attorney will take a divorce right up to the final court date and, after thousands of dollars and months of negotiation, withdraw the request for a divorce. There's nothing you can do about this but start over and file yourself. A counter-compliant with survivorship thwarts this, since the divorce proceeding continues with the filed settlement in place. It lowers costs since the counter-compliant with survivorship runs about $800, where starting a divorce proceeding from scratch can run several thousand dollars.

CheckUrHeart,

I apologize for taking so long to respond, I haven't had time to check in for a while. Welcome to MB by the way!

In essence my attorney has done what you are suggesting. I was really worried that I was going to have to start this process over again, but that won't be the case regardless of what my STBX does. She may be able to delay things a bit, but that would be it.

As it stands my STBX and her attorney have worked out an arrangement, so things are progressing normally. Setting up a date for the pretrial is the next step. I find myself looking forward to it just to see what she is going to allege. It should be interesting.

Thanks for the reply!

starman

Hey Starman,
I am heading off to Iraq and be in the thick of it...but after what I have been through, this will be a piece of cake. God's got my back and I don't intend on checking out any time soon...there is waaaay too much living left in me. I bought my noise cancelling headsets so I can sleep at night, so the mortars won't bother me as much. I am sure you get acclimated to it all.

Yes I should have access to the internet when I get there...so I will be checking up on your progress.

CheckUrHeart,
I just sent an email to my attorney about the counter complaint to see if this is something I need to do...probably not, but with these STBX's you never know what kind of ammo you need.


Thanks all for the updates...and I will keep my head down and my spirits up!
Nomoregames