((( HIO ))) I am so sorry. I feel your pain.

Please try to look on the good side of this. You have found a really good IC, that is hard to do sometimes. Sounds like she will steer you in the right direction.

Which is the same direction that our beloved Mimi is directing you. With all this strength in your corner - how can you fail ?? I know it can be hard, HIO. I know this.
Yesterday I got slight evidence that contact has started up again between WH and OW. Well, I went into a panic. So much for my so-called detaching !!! I knew I was kidding myself. But, darn it, I sure was trying to convince myself, and everyone else. Darn it.

So, I know (we all do) how difficult this all is. And, it is scary, lonely, etc... it will get better.

Look how much better you are doing than a couple of months ago !! We are all in this together.

Best regards - car

You're still on the rollercoaster. And he's good at making you ride. Truth is, you get yourself off the coaster. There are few things we can do aside changing ourselves. But if we can change perceptions of us, the BS to the WS, then that is all we can do.

What I wrote to you about is changing the perceptions.

I would have somebody (trusted friend) at work screen all calls for you. I would look at caller id if it is on your phone...my phones at hospital have caller id.

Be ready. Do not answer phones. Let your friend take messages at work. if he comes to your home, only open door long enough to give him copy of plan B letter. Let him see the stuff I told you to, say quickly you can't see him anymore, that you have reassessed your life (mildly foggy statement) and that he needs to do what this says as you can't take it anymore. Leave that mental impression.

Then if he ever shows up, shove plan B letter at him nicely. Walk away. Do not engage.

I still from time to time have to talk to my xh. He still tries almost on a daily basis to get my attention. From today (halloween email that actually screams at you) with a stupid joke on it, to mindless forwards. He is always emailing me. And calls all the time too. I don't answer most calls. I just let vmail pick up. Most of time, I return his calls with an email. That way the emotional part is not there. I can't hear his familiar voice...or the sound of the man I used to know.

You're in a different place. You have a chance for recovery. He's not that far gone yet.

You gotta be smart. Learn from the wise here. Learn that you control you. And you can even in plan B, let the "cat" outta the bag about your life. You can thru common acquaintences and friends and his buddies see you make outward changes (appearance, etc). And you can have an outside life too...this usually has effect on a WS. If they have NO contact with the BS in plan B and others report to WS that the BS is getting a life...

all the while, realize your WH is addicted to the OP. It's the high. The feeling that comes from something new...something different. So passively give the man something different. And in doing so, mirroring provides them to feel something different. That their old, reliable, safe BS whom they believe is forever waiting on them...may not be. I have a girlfriend who did this. She does not post at MB. But she's read everything. Got a good tough counselor. He helped her with it. She did and it was good. Good outcome. It was a plan B combined with deliberate "tidbits" of info being dropped here and there to show that she was moving on and meaning it. Meanwhile, her counselor supported her emotionally thru it, and she made positive steps. But the tidbits she left were examples like, seeing H's best friend and his wife accidentally (not really). And looking a bit different. Acting happy and contented. Saying little things about doing something different (she was signed up for a cruise). Although she went by herself for five days, her H could not get thought outta his head that she must be doing same thing as he was and she thru her plan B letter and last words to him "I can't take this pain of you with OP. It's over until if adn when you leave her. Until that time, I have to find happiness." Her words were something like that. And her plan B letter said same thing. He really thought she was leaving him for good. It helped him pull head outta fog long enough to ruin the endorphin high he was running on....long enough to get into a bit of recovery. Then the next part went much more rocky and slowly. But they're back together. Used to be in a women's bible study w/her.

She and I talked over her plans during lunches. And it worked. According to her counselor, she said that the purpose of her doing the cruise, was to illicit some emotion and draw the WH away from the OW long enough to break some of the addiction/endorphin high that comes from the affair. It's literally the same emotion...just fired back at the W instead of aimed at the OW...get it? Next thing she knew, her WH was sooooo confused. Confused enough to come home, then fence sit, cake eat a little, but went to counselor. OW got tired of waiting...lost interest. OW was NOT married so it was difficult.

But it can be done.

It takes cajones.

It still may not work. We can only do this program, and better ourselves. But those are plans. And a plan is sooo much better than flying blind.

I'd remain in plan B. And passively do the things my friend did...apparently affairs are rampant in my metro area...atlanta is one wicked city. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Peachy,

All wonderful advice, I think I may implement some of these ideas. Bad part with my WH is he has cut off all friends. And with him being gone all week on the road he sees no one until the weekend. And then its mostly just OW.

The only person he really even talks to is our DD(18) and then its not that often. So as far as him hearing anything is kinda remote. Of course DD loves to blab to him. But then again he does seem to find out things somehow...

Good idea about work to I will have someone just take a message.... I have only been on this job a few days so really don't have any friends.

As f ar as the planb letter goes I have several copies I carry with me just in case.....

I am moving on with life and going to start doing things for me. I have no doubt he will figure it out....

Carnation,

I am sorry to hear WH is talking with OW again. I know how devestated you must be. Just know we are all here for you. I will keep you in prayers.....

Hurting -

I like Peachy's ideas too!

So sorry that WH called you at work. I'm sure hearing his voice was so tough. He just wanted to hear yours I think.

{{{{{Hurting}}}}}

Kimberly

Kim,

I am not sure why he did it. His excuse was about his paycheck. He knows I have no idea were it is. If he didn't give them the bank info how the heck could it be in either one of our 2 accounts.

Yeah hearing his voice just upset me. Thank goodness I got off work about 30 minutes later....

Yeah peachy has some great ideas. ONly problm I have is WH even knowing anything since he has cut most everyone off... But somehow I'm not sure how he seems to find out things....

Kim I hope your doing ok tonight. I do know how you feel its rough. But it will get better....

Hi Hurting,
I can't believe H has already called you at work. Did DD tell him where you worked? It must have been hard hearing his voice again. But you did good keeping it short. Unfortunately it seems his calls come in on Friday. Does he have access to find out what is in the account himself? Or was it his excuse to call you?

My H and I have been making some baby step progress today. Trust me, it's not easy when they are home either! It seems like painful work just getting to a point wear we feel half way comfortable talking to each other. But it was good today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am so glad you are feeling stronger.

Love and prayers, Lady

Hurting - Glad to see that your IC went well, and also your job. Hopefully WH won't be calling all of the time. By the way, how did he find out you were working?

Ok question one DD told him I was at work he called here for me and she told him. He has acess to the one account but not the one I use. He thought maybe they put it in that one..... Now you tell me how could that happen when he does not have ifo on that account. He does not know the account number nor does he have any checks to even set up direct deposit.

When I questioned him about the direct deposit he told me he told thm not to do it yet. But its not on either account as I have acsess to both of them and i checked. We do have an old account thats closed and has been for like a year, so his next dunb question was , you don't think it went in the old account? I told him I seriously doubt it.... So who knows were its at. Thats what he gets for not setting it all up right. Of course does not help me much as I need some money from him....

As far as him calling work I am going to tell everyone if the phone is for me to take a message.... If its important I will call back...

Okay, I hope you can get the deposit thing worked out, and also a set amount for you to take out each week.

I hate to sound cynical, but the money thing is a big red flag for me. I hope he didn't give it to OW.

Huring -

Yeah, I think WH would hear about it if you started doing some of the things Peachy said!! Like I said, I believe he called just to hear your voice. No other real reason.

One day at a time, right?? I'm doing fine tonight, thanks. Keeping busy is going to be key.

Kim

No I don't think so believer he was very concerned about his paycheck. I personally think since he didn't set up direct deposit its being mailed out to him. Now as to where that will be who knows. His application had our address on it and I know that because I was with him, but he could have changed all of that for all I know.... But then again this would be his first paycheck , maybe they held back a week I don't know..... This is only his second week working.. Oh reminds me, remember the I am going to stay out for 3 weeks at a time... yeah well he has been home both weekends so far..... OW must be thrilled ......

So far he has done fine giving me money. But there could always be a first time.....

You're probably right. Don't worry - it is better they spend some time together.

Have you been bowling? Hope you are getting out some and having fun.

Me too, or It may have come in by check, and he is not saying. I hope I am wrong...

I know them spending time togehter gives them the chance to LB all over the place but what concerns me it the fact , only 2 days a week for them its going to be like honeymoon time all the time.... I remember how it was when he came home on weekends before it was so nice and loving since we were apart all week... So this is just going to drag out like this.... Oh well keep the faith is all I can do.....

Nope no bowling yet..... Don't have the money to do squat right now.... But once I get bills caught up fun will start .....

I don't know guys , I don't think he would have called if he got a check, I really don't.... I could be wrong of course but he did sound concerned about it

Nah, no honeymoon for him. He is going to come home tired, and she will want to go OUT. He will probably just want to relax, and she will be wanting to tell him everything that happened all week.

And in the back of his mind is going to be you and his family.

Maybe he got a check and OW took it before he got back...didn't her sugardaddy dry up?

Well I do know they are not home and thats only because DD called to talk to him.... Oh yeah I remember on firdays when he got home he was always tired and wanted nothing more than his shower and relaxing in front of the tv then bed.

Oh believer I wish I had the confidence you have that he thinks about us.... I often wonder if he does.....

Yeah sugar daddy dried up sometime last month from what I was told . But who knows that could be a lie as well....

Oh, he probably is very mixed up right now. My WH seemed perfectly happy, but was extremely stressed out and confused. We had several good talks after I got over being so angry. He was very torn.