I love you with all of my heart; unfortunately my heart is very heavy and sad these days. I still have so many questions and wonder what happened between me and the women I love so dearly. I want you to know it’s the affair and the lies that have hurt more than the fact you had sex with another man.

You made the decision to break our Vows and that you put all of this ahead of us, which is something I had no decision in but must live with for the rest of my life. I’m not saying I can’t, just that I’m not sure how this is going to change us and our relationship. I have always trusted you implicitly, I may have asked questions but I always believed everything you told me. That hurts as much as you falling in love with another man.

I also no this is hurting you, but you keep it inside…please open up to me, it would help us both.

I’m writing this letter not to hurt you, but to help you understand my deepest feelings. You know how much I have been hurting but keep your thoughts to yourself. I believe we are both committed to our marriage but we need to discuss what has and is happening and what we are going to do next. I know that it hurt you so much to read Dr. Harleys “Coping with Infidelity” articles but you did because not only did I believe it was important but it was a logical step in the healing process. Sometimes doctors make wounds bigger and deeper before closing them and than they heal but your usually left with a scar. I hope we can even make the scar fade, but its going to take work, some hard, some fun just because it’s with you.

I still think you are keeping things from me, maybe because you are afraid it might hurt me more. I want us to be a special couple again and want to feel special, as I know you do.

I know from the bottom of my heart that I want to be married to you! I want my feelings of emptiness and mistrust to fade but need your help. I need you to tell me everything and I would like you to demonstrate that trust.

Your,

Loving, Somewhat Understanding

Husband

Is it too harsh single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 07/18/05 12:00 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

What are you wanting to accomplish with this letter?

It really seems like the two of you could use some serious professional help, I'd encourage you to seek it and soon.

I'm hoping to get her to realize that we should seek help and not try this alone, but I don't want to push her away in the process.

Why do you state we need SERIOUS help? Yes, I have been upset but nether of us has suggested that we are not committed to our marriage. I prefer fast and complete resolution to our problem, while my WS usually like things to take there course.

D-day was 24 days ago and to be honest we seemed to be closer than ever, other than my aching heart, I just don’t want to do the wrong things and make matters worse. My understanding of Dr. Harley’s articles on the subject of coping with infidelity, Emotional needs, Love busters, etc. Suggest that I’m taking many of the correct steps but there are blanks that I’m asking this forum that has been through it for some advice.

Like my main question is it to harsh or too soon?

Yup..too harsh and too soon.... but I understand what you are wanting..reassurance, resolution and to get on to the good stuff and get out of the pain.

It's sort of like pregnancy..you can't rush it.

I read your other posts and now I'm up to speed.

Hon, you are barely 1 month out from Dday...a lot of ideas are going to roll around in your head 24/7. It's only natural. But you also have to think about where she is. She is completely confused about what she has done, what she wants, what to do and probably more than a little depressed.

That letter you have written, though from the heart, comes off as blaming and a little controlling. All BS do this a little at first simply because we feel so OUT of control of all that happened with the A that we go over board. I think the WS let us out of guilt and fear.

And...well, we BS tend to go a little overboard. It sounds weird..but the WS has no reason to trust any changes the BS is making. Or they feel like the only reason we are making them is to hold on to a marriage. But if you think about it..why hold on to something that wasn't very satisfying in the first place.

Even if NC occurs immediately, even if the WS immediately repents and becomes this icon of perfection, the BS still needs to do some HUGE soul searching about what their own weaknesses and problems are that contributed to the fracturing of the relationship.

In short..they Plan A.

Now, plan A is NOT becoming a false little smiling wimp that never says anything that could cause controversy. A true plan A is learning HOW to discuss difficult matters honestly and RESPECTFULLY...without Love Busters.

In plan A, the FIRST thing you do is review the love busters and think of them from your partner's point of view. Be honest..do you interrupt, do you diminish, do you control. Figure out a way to stop it.

Great book source.."How do I Say It..For Couples". This was a HUGE help to me as they take every situation, every subject you can think of and literally tell you what to say and how to say it respectfully. It really should be required reading before they sell you a marriage license.

Shoot, here I am on a roll and now I have to cut it short.

Hang in there, hon
T

Thank you Twyla,

You confirmed my own thoughts…You’re right I do want closure but not at the expense of our marriage or her feelings! After publishing this post I read Dr. Harley’s article on the Giver and Taker in you that are in conflict, my giver wants to help and make everything better my Taker wants answers and reassurances, which unfortunately remind her of her betrayal.

Which also explains the discussion my WS and I had last night and can be read in my other posting titled:
In Infidelity >> General Questions II
How do you get out of the Fog? And back on with your life?

Right now I agree I should concentrate on her and us and drop all of the questions, but for how long?

Twyla,

Do you have any suggestions to help us on our path to recovery for her and I?

Well, I can tell you what worked for me, and maybe you can find some ideas that appeal to you.

1. Love Busters...YOURS, not hers. Review them and take a LONG hard look at yourself, and make a plan how you can STOP LB'ing. This is a HUGE step the BS often skims over. I mean, after all, the BS feels wronged and let's face it..an A is the biggest LB of them all! But, you want to prove to your partner that not only are you willing to change..you WILL change. Walk the walk.

2. Learn to be an effective listener. Look at her when she talks, ask her opinion, bring up subjects you know will appeal to her. This will become EXTREMELY important in the months to come, especially when more details are reveal about the A. You want to be ready to hear some things WITHOUT going nuts, blaming, yelling and generally loosing control. This IS really important because if a WS's confessions are met with explosions...then they will cease. I'm not saying you can't express hurt and anger..I'm saying you learn to express it without attacking the other person.

"Sometime's it's hard for me to listen to this because it hurts and yet I'm glad you are confiding in me" will be met with a heck of a lot more cooperation than "you buuthead, you cheated on me, you ruined our marriage, and now you want me to forgive you".


The big difference is "I" and "you" statements. "I" takes responsibility for one's feelings.."you" statements tend to be attacking, blaming, and belittling.

3. 15 hours of recreation/week. And you can define recreation..could be a game of cards or darts, could be gardening, sports, reading the Sunday paper together..could be making dinner together..anything that the two of you enjoy that will enable you to interact and NOT make the A the center of attention. If the A comes up, sure, you can discuss it..but the A is NOT the focus here..reconnecting is.

4. Resist being the teacher on all things concerning infidelity. Yeah, I know..we all want them to get off the fence, start rebuilding and fall madly back in love..in actuality...many WS are struggling enough with depression, guilt, anger and sometimes absolute bewidlerment..cut them some slack and let them learn by your example and NOT by shoving every article and book under their noses. Later, when they've completely recommitted you can share the questionaires and articles.

5. For pete's sake..get some time to yourself to keep up your spirits and your own self esteem, especially if the WS is wavering, moping or generally a bit standoffish. You NEED to do something to feel good about yourself, something that pampers YOU. Journalling helps alot..especially when you need to express thought that are not necessarily condusive to recovery ..:}

6. Learn to smile. Sounds silly doesn't it? But early in recovery we are often overwhelmed. Smile not only at your partner, but other people as well. It will be returned and it will help.

Acckk, I've run on and on. Hope this helps.
T

Thanks Again Twyla,

You’re a wonderful person, I really appreciate the view from some one who has been there and gone throw it! Besides whom outside this group can I really talk freely about the A. Your comments are added to one I created for BS, it has information reminding of the course of action I need to take. I have been trying to be gentle, loving and understanding, but many times by doing just that I’m holding in my true feelings and it hurts.

How long do you wait until to build a marriage plan?

Based on all of your help I have rewritten my letter!

Please give me your opinion on the new and improved version:

I love you with all of my heart and the last few weeks have been quite a challenge for both of us. You and I have had many challenges in our live that we have faced head on together. Like any of the other problems we have encountered in our life, we we’ll come out on top. Together we have treated each other and our difficulty with the dignity and respect that we both deserve.

Although you let me ramble and talk, I have many unanswered questions. I have spent many hour reading and some writing. All of this helps, which is why I would like you to read another article. I know that reading the last one hurt you so much but you read Dr. Harleys “Coping with Infidelity” not only because I believed it was important but it was a logical step in the healing process. Sometimes doctors make wounds bigger and deeper before closing them and than they heal but your usually left with a scar. I hope we can even make the scar fade, but its going to take work, some hard, some fun just because it’s with you.

This paper is going to reinforce that good people and good marriages can run into this issue. Although no person can write about our life they can provide insight into the things that they have seen work in successful marriages. This paper puts into words better than I can why I want to know more about what happened and how we can discuss it. The paper is called “Your Marriage is not Hopeless after an Affair” the section I’m referring to is in “The need to Know”.

I know we are both committed to our marriage but we need to discuss what has and is happening and what we are going to do next. I want us to be a special couple again and want to feel special, as I know you do.

I know from the bottom of my heart that I want to be married to you! I want my feelings of emptiness and mistrust to fade but need your help. I need you to tell me everything and I would like you to demonstrate that trust. What I would like is some assurance and resolution.

Your,

Loving and Understanding

Husband

MUCH BETTER!

Why don't you throw in something like "and during your reading, you may see something you want me to read or share" Please..just ask.

I personally LIKE plans, letters, discussions that put couples on EQUAL footing. That way no one feels defensive..or like they need to turn inside out for the other one.

I'll be in and out for the coming week, but will look out for you.
T

Thanks Twyla,

You made me look at my letter in a much different perspective.

I'm going to add after my closing:

If you feel reading
“Your Marriage is not Hopeless after an Affair” is causing pain and not relief stop!

I hoping it will add some closure, by showing you that an affair is not the end of the world and good people fall victim.

During your reading, you may see something you want me to read or share” Please…just ask. I’m hopeful it will help you understand why talking and sharing the details are important to me.

--------------------------------------------

Please continue with any other comments,

Guess it didn't matter it hurt her just because the subject was brought up. Any other ideas?

What have you done wrt looking at plan A/plan B?

Stay in Plan A and DO not bring up anymore a related stuff. It's still too early for it. See if you can go a whole week without referring to any MB stuff or the A. Focus on meeting her needs.

T

Plan A –
We both have agreed that we are committed to our marriage. I’m just trying to play Mr. Fix it, be patient understanding supportive and understanding. I ‘m also trying to get her to read some of the material I have read, some for her own well being “good people and good marriages have affairs and I’m hoping I can get her to agree on a few things.

1. Complete honesty in our marriage
2. Create a marriage plan
3. To know "answers to my questions"
4. Seek a marriage counselor.

Its been a month at what point do I address these four points?

I’m most confused because she has no trouble talking about it if she brings the a up, but if I continue or bring it up, she can become very emotional and start to cry.

HLR,

You both need to decide what you need from each other and your marriage, including what kind of marriage you want. She changed the rule, now you must set new boundaries or live by hers.