WW told me she is sorry, in another conversation she said that it was a huge mistake letting OM get close to her. Does this mean that she’s out of the fog? We are in agreement to commit to our M. Am I past the plan A stage? Not that I’m going to stop what I’ve been doing, I just want to know if/when plan A ends and our lives become one again. WW has some issues, maybe guilt, feels that I will never forgive her … I already forgive her though. Seems to me that she is having a hard time getting past this. Any advice?

I personally wouldn't jump so quickly to forgive her. You have a long way to go yet. Don't let your guard down and become a doormat again. I hope all goes well and I wish you the best of luck!

It means she is coming out of the fog. You are the one who is more likely to have a hard time getting past this. It normally takes 12 to 24 months to recover. But yes, you are done with the Plan A once the affair ends, but that means you onto the recovery phase where you try to repair and affair proof your marriage.

Do you have any of the Harley books? Some good ones for you would be "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs, Her Needs," and "Lovebusters," by Willard Harley.

Hi.

I don't know the proximity of your WSs A(maybe you posted before, I am not sure where it is) but people are different. That is just a fact.

Whereas it is not healthy for you to just simply forgive without some sort of exploration of this betrayal, it is not healthy for her to live in guilt either. Not forever.

What is the timeline for these things? Well, some would say 2 years give or take, but again... people are different.

It is a good idea to read up on this site and the books mentioned by ny friends here, but there is something else you need to do that usually is not covered in discussions on here.

Think about the principles and what you read in the books and really try to apply it to your life and marriage. Some things you will read and learn are really good advice and might be something you want to incorporate into your marriage, but they may not have been components of the break-down that led up to an A. Some things are hitting the nail on the head. And yet again, somethings do not apply to you or your spouse. When you read a new idea or something you were weak on or had not thought of, before you just go blindly applying it to your marriage or making it policy in your marriage, think about it. Consider it from more than one angle and then if you still think it is a good idea, run with it.

I find it troubling that so many people wouldn't invest in a stock without some sort of detailed analysis, yet when it comes to their marriage(that is supposed to be the 'forever' investment of your life) they just run with something prior to really scrutinizing it properly.

Now, armed with that, you can watch your WS and try to act accordingly. Maybe, since above all, you can't control people and they do odd things sometimes.

Your WS being buried in guilt is not an uncommon response to the beginning of the realization of 'what have I done'. I was there once. It was stifling. I could barely operate. And I wanted to hide from everyone and everything. Mind you, it was my doing that I was in the guilt, but that fact only made it worse. At least for me it did.

What can you do? Lets take a look at what you said you have to work with. You have both committed to working this out and keeping the marriage. Good. That would be a big step. Also, you are no longer in plan A, really, because Plan A is for breaking an A apart and ending it. Advertise yourself as better than the OP is the key there. Once you are sure the A is over and NC is setup and being maintained, you stop being in plan A. However, you can still behave that way you did in plan A. Loving, polite, caring and filling ENs while avoiding LBs is just good marriage advice. Also, on that note, if you do a stellar plan A and then once the A is over and NC established, you go back to something that looks nothing like plan A, the WS will be disillusioned. They might even find some sort of entitlement for their A in the fact that you were only 'sweet, romantic and good to me' when you wanted to be. Now you have me back... it is business as usual. All I am saying is if you are committed to the marriage, then be committed to the marriage. You wouldn't treat your W like poo if none of this happened, so dont start now.

This does not address your need for releasing emotions and healing, but realize that I know that is important. Arguably, the most important. But, people are different and if your wife is just beatdown from her transgression, she will need your help. If you can build her up, maybe she can support you when you want to get your hurt and anguish out.

Make sure you forgive for you. Not for her. This is important. Others may disagree with me here, but forgiveness is for you. Sure, she needs you to forgive her, but it is for you because you will be relieving yourself of the burden you hold over her. IT will take away YOUR burden. But, it will only work if you are ready.

One thing that usually make people feel better is "Is my WS being normal?" Yes, she is. But, she will need to work through that. Nothing will speed the time factor, so prayer and learning are what she can pour herself into. She will need to do exploration on why this was ok enough to do, even though she maybe be sure it was not ok to do now.

Keep posting and you will pick up advice and tips here ant there.

Good luck to you and I wish you well in your recovery.