OMG, I almost forgot. Coach, I do have one question for you about the ICQ email address. Do you or don't you use it?

I have no interest in throwing fuel on the fire, but since I helped last evening to do just that, there are a few things I'd like to say.

This ain't no groveling... although I do feel badly about the whole scene.

I was reacting to what were -- to me, at the time -- the facts. I think every person who posted on this thread last evening was doing the same.

I've thought about this, and I'm not sure what the answer is, or if it even matters, but... I wonder if those people who were not actively "listening"/reading/posting at the time this all happened, and instead they showed up after-the-fact and read through the whole thing -- I just wonder if they get a completely different take on things than those of us who just happened to be online at the time.

One thing that kept racing through my mind while all of this was going on... I thought about how I would've felt if I were somebody new here, right in the midst of the horror and pain of "just finding out" about this adultery/infidelity/affair CRAP that is ripping them apart from every angle... how would I feel if I was going through that... came here for help... and saw this thread? And I was angry at Coach for that. I was angry at the whole situation. Even though the pain for me personally is now just a constant dull ache that seems to never go away... I remember The Pain I was in.

And last night, I felt ripped off. Not just for me (actually, very little for me, as Coach and I exchanged only a couple posts)... but I felt this whole community had gotten ripped off -- BIG time. That's how I felt as things unfolded, last evening.

I think the incredible DRAMA that Coach created, nurtured, and obviously loved in his posts... was a factor in what the reaction was to this new information about him. (and I thought Coach always coached to get away from the drama, didn't you Coach? That's confusing to me.)

And a note to Patriot... when I read your words this morning, I appreciated them. I understood them, and I agreed with them. They made me want to go stand in the corner, and put my head down. But if I had to pick one thing to say to you Patriot, it would be this --- and it does sound like self-defense... I have empathy and "niceness" OOOZING out of my pores... to a fault. What happened last evening -- it can't be changed. But in THIS context -- infidelity and all-that-comes-with-it -- there's no room for [censored]. The facts as they were presented were enough. I had NO respect for Coach last evening, and from how I interpreted the facts presented to me, he didn't deserve any.

A personal note to Coach... I don't randomly attack people... or for that matter, anything that moves, or lives, or breathes, or feels, or grows... you'll have to take my word on that.

I apologize for any personal attacks on you.

This is bothering me, though... and if I'm misstating the facts, and/or if I've missed the explanation somewhere earlier, I sincerely apologize.

Having an ICQ profile/name/address/whatever... no big deal, millions of people have one.

And your wife set this thing (ICQ) up.
Ok.

And she decided to include in your profile: "I enjoy people, (especially woman, LOL)"
Ok.

And she decided to include "and having my body rubbed."
Ok.

And she decided to put you into the "Unhappy Married People seeks More" Interest Group.
Well, Ok.

And you said you were aware of all this.

I'm confused... please tell me I missed an explanation somewhere...

tqt, that last one about the unhappy married group was the most troubling...was that all your wife's idea...some cruel joke? Or was that from 7 yrs ago...I'd understand that. Did she post that for you also?

For those who have been around for a "while," let me just say that this whole thing "reeks" of another Dustkitty sort of "play."

For those who do not know about the college research team posting under the pseudonym "Dustkitty," do a search and then see for yourself if there are any similarities.

Let's just say that it would be easy for someone who loves to write passionate "love stories" (probably NOT with married subjects), to "play" with spinning a yarn or embellishing circumstances to get a "rise" out others, especially those who are already on an "emotional edge" from the disaster of infidelity.

But...I guess I could be wrong since I have read NONE of Coach's epic thread and am reacting solely based upon what has been posted in THIS thread. Self-serving, self-justifications, people not "mature enough" to see this "Coach's way,"....enough to tickle my "Betrayed Spouse Radar." Whether the radar "image" is real or a "ghost contact" remains to be seen, but the "maturity" comment was enough for me to have real questions about the "validity" of Coach's postings, and especially about his "elitist appearing distain" for anyone who is "beneath" HIS "code of ethics and understanding."

We make choices, folks. I look, for good or bad, at the fundamental motivation that drives someone and their posting. It's relatively easy for someone to "adopt" the mantle of wanting to help someone, in how they choose to post to another person, but it would seem that the reason Coach chooses to post "helpful information" from time to time is because he "likes" to write and adopt any writing "style" that he chooses. If I didn't know better, I think that was a display of "situational ethics," but I guess it's just another case of "receiver of advice beware."

Another way I see this as relevant to MB...

Coach is sounding to me like a WS in the fog, not taking personal responsibility for his effect on others..

The message I get is: "MB Community, it is your fault that you are not feeling OK about this...if only you had not found out more about me, YOU would still feel OK, etc.....

Maybe I missed the "I'm sorry" or "I'll see what I can learn about myself from this" from Coach...

IMHO...

Hey Coach,
You grew up in Boston right?
Ok, tell me something about Boston that only Bostians would know. I too, know a few things about Boston.
Give me something that's not found in Google or some other search site?\
Jerry
PS; this could clear things up, don't you think?
Sounds like you may have passed within 50 feet of me during your hiatus?????

Coach,

How r u doing? Seems like your reputation is taking quite a beating here. Sorry to hear that.

For those you have helped in the past, this hurts them too you know.

Since I like to share experiences, let me share an MB one with you. About 4 years ago a former poster (let's call him SNL) and his W began posting here at MB. SNL was/is the WS and his W was/is the BS. They have 4 children (which by now are out of high school.

SNL was a self employeed hard working man and his W was his loyal supporter. Well SNL liked to talk, he joined several 'christian chat' groups and lo' n behold', there was OW...... Now SNL lived in MA and the OW lived in AZ. Yet somehow they managed not only to talk all the time but even get together turning the EA to PA. All the while bringing great distress, turmoil and confusion to BS and family.

Welp, one of them finds MB. Both begin posting. SNL is a better poster than his W (lets call her Thnker). SNL brings out the WS POV and the board just jumps....all kinds of long winded debates and discussions. Lot is shared and learn on both sides of the fence. SNL posts hundreds of threads, may be even a few thousand. Some even ask for his opinion on their serious problems. He helps out. SNL even calls me. He and his W are on the phone with me for several hours each time.

Well eventually the double life of the WS catches up. SNL can't walk the talk and he begins to babble. Not just to his W who by know has let us know what is really happening in their household. SNL is banded from the boards because his babble turns hateful and he gets banded. SNL lurks then goes through a series of new poster names. For some crazy reason, SNL thinks that we can't figure out when he begins posting with his new user name. Silly man, he was outed each time. LOL!!! You know what gave him away? His own self. His own WS self. See SNL's attitude as a WS was still alive. It didn't die and it finally got to a point where that double life had caught up.

Eventually it took its toll on his W and she stopped posting. I hear she makes one heck of a lemon meraguine (sp??) pie (which happens t/b SNLs) favorite. But alas, even the pie can't reach his cold WS heart. SNL moves out, displaces his mother (he moves into her home and takes over her home in various spots, making it difficult for her to live there.

The children are pitted by the WS against their mom ($$ c/b thicker than water at times) and the BS lost her father in the interim.

Where is all this going? Just to let you and others know, leading a double life only brings trouble. I don't doubt at one time SNL was sincere. But his WS attitude was his downfall. He tried to take his whole family with him. He even tried to convince others here also but it didn't work.
It can't work because we only have 1 life.

With that said, make sure from here on out, your life is one you w/b proud of. Don't make regrets. They take too long to fix.

take care,
L.

Because the other topic is closed - this is for MelodyLane


Never??
Then you owe me an apology for your reply on the other topic!
Or, better, please be kind and just avoid it the next time...


Orchid, you did it indirectly, so just indirectly mentioning you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Re: Coach... it'd be easier for everyone just take what he gave to some of you during 3 years, his good advice and help, and the rest to leave to him and to God to judge and solve his personal issues...
To say it better, if he was helping your (as I read), now it's time - to help him back!
Obviously he has some issues that need some good advice from experienced and wise MBers...

But Coach doesn't seem to be open to listening to us, BELONGING....

B2M, thanks but no thanks, I am pretty happy with my "kindness" level as it is. Nor do I owe you anything.

He reads... He might come if he sees some other kinds of words...
However, we should pray for his soul... 'errare humanum est'...

Orchid - while I have my doubts about Coach, I also had several discussions with SNL (in several of his pseudonyms) and several with his wife.

Just a general observation: Coach may not be who he appears to be, but he is no SNL...thank goodness!

Coach...you are the reason that I joined this. I was reading what you have been writing. Do not stop. Keep true to yourself.

B2M,

Please clarify what did I 'indirectly'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,
L.

FH,

Good to hear from you. I gave the SNL experience to show how one can have great discussions but if not true to form, eventually the 'other' side shows up. Can't live a double life no matter how great one is at babbling. Just can't. Eventually it catches up.

Maybe the ol' adage of fooling some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time may have some merit. I certainly hope not.

I liked Coach's older posts to others. Reading his version of his account was easier because he put feeling and humor into it. I can appreciate that. So I am sad if there has been any double talk. Only Coach will know.

In a similar vein, when SNL was making sense, I did enjoy his conversations. Not all but many. We chatted on the phone quite a bit for a while. Both he and his W used to call me. In that sense we became friends. What I can share is when SNL decided to step over to the other side, I was bashed by him on these very boards. While I still cared for him as a fellow MBer, I could not condone his abusive behavior and did would not allow him to transfer his anger to me. He tried in a subtle way. It must have been frustrating to go from a Ws to Xws to full blown WS again. Yet the cycle was quite clear. Eventually SNL stopped talking with me. I ocassionaly still hear from his W. It has been a while.

I don't think Coach has taken the path of SNL and I hope he doesn't. It saddens my heart to see a once fine man deteriorate into a WS. I really does.

Coach, I miss the Coach we have come to know and appreciate. Hope you can come back in true form.

L.

It's still there...

It's OK, Orchid, i.e. if you don't remember means (to me) you didn't think of me when saying it... and you are right. :-)

Hey Coach,

If you are still around, and if your story was true, how about an update.

So I have a question...being relatively new to this site, I'm confused about what the problem is. Are these "coaches" people who are hired by MB or are they just trying to stir the pot and get attention? I've never really hung out on a board like this before, so I'm trying to understand everyone's anger. Is it that we don't want to waste time giving advice to a hypothetical problem? Seems like no one had a problem with giving Patriot "saddlebags full" of advice for his admitted hypothetical problem. If the advice is good, maybe it will help someone else??? Just asking, so don't get mad at me, ok?

re these "coaches" people who are hired by MB or are they just trying to stir the pot and get attention?
Coach is his log in name here, nothing else.
There are no hired "coaches" at MB.
There are a few moderators which simply make sure the message boards stay on track/on topic.
They don't make sure people use the marriage builders properly or "guide" the way. They rarely post and when they do, it's because people get into little fights/arguments way off topic.

After corresponding with Coach a number of times after this all flared up, I decided he's legit - his sitch is just that dramatic.

But I don't think he'll be back. It'd be cool if I'm wrong.

-ol' 2long