You are under the impression things are going to turn around in a few days, and your WW will find remorse and regret, and you can begin "recovery" next week. You are still emotionally charged about the discovery of the affair, and you are hoping for the best, but somewhat paralyzed by the trama of it all.
First thing, settle down and quit looking for immediate results. This is a marathon, not a sprint. This process will take months, not days. You need to read and fully understand Surviving an Affair. You need to fully understand Exposure and Plan A. You appear to be sort of trying, but without understanding what you are doing, you are not doing a sufficient job, nor do you fully understand the "big picture".
Your posts are all over the place, and you are getting fragments of guidance, which may not all make sense to you. Post once with the "meat" of your situation in General Questions II. It is by far the busiest of the boards and there are lots of people there who will come to your aid. Keep in mind, those people who actually FOLLOW the wisdom given on these forums get the most ATTENTION. People who flounder, and fail to "engage" their WS's with the MB plan, don't get the best of help. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
You need to understand Exposure, and how it can help end the affair. Don't threaten your WW with exposure, just do it. It's best to go with the scorched earth policy, and expose the A all at once to the 6-10 people closest to you and your marriage, who can be the most supportive. The exceptions to this are to expose to the OM's wife, and expose to her boss in the workplace, or, to the human resources department head. In some workplaces, this will help, in others, it will not, as they turn a blind eye.
Secondly, understand Plan A and fill your W's love bank at every opportunity. No contact is your ultimate goal, so your wife can go through withdrawal, and then, and only then will you have a chance to reconnect. So long as ANY contact is going on, you will not see her emerge from the fog. No contact is critical.
Lastly, while your W is in the fog, you have to be in Giver mode. You will have to give, give, give, and expect nothing, nothing, nothing in return. Your W has "left your marriage" in order to justify her A. She will take, she will lie, she will decieve, she will antagonize you into fights (which you will NOT engage with her), in order to make you the "bad husband" she's had to conjure up in her foggy brain, to justify the A.
This is a long difficult process. Hunker down, learn the MB philosophy, read other threads and pick advice that is handy for you, and seek local, positive support from a brother, father, pastor or close trusted friend. Stop believing any one thing you do will make a difference. It won't. It will take a few weeks, maybe months of cumulative actions in filling her Love Bank in order to draw her out of the fog. So be patient.
Lastly, and as important as any of this, do some very serious, deep, honest introspection. What do you bring to the marriage? What about you could be improved to make you a better spouse? More help with domestic chores? More help raising kids? More validation of your W's feelings? More intimate conversation? More leisure time activities w/wife rather than nights out with the "boys"? Take a look inside yourself, and evaluate yourself as a Husband, in your Wife's minds eye. What would she "change" about you, and your involvement in the marriage? Get busy and start to make those positive changes, with the goal to make those changes permanent. You can't bait her back, than switch back to the old ways.
Marriage requires the effort of both parties. Right now, your marriage requires ALL of your efforts, because your WW will not be any help at all. YOu have to "win" her back.
Unfortunate, but true. Are you up to the task? If so, get busy, self-improvement, Plan A, Exposure, counseling for you until she's "ready", and a lot of Positive Mental Attitude.
Post and vent and ask questions on these forums. This is your best chance at saving your marriage.
Best wishes,
SD
