Ok, I'm starting all over here. I have been very random in my post and not sure where I belong...here goes.

My wife and I get along fine, no big fights, etc. We both love each others side of the family, we both have good jobs, a great house in a great neighborhood & 2 wonderfull boys 7 & 9. We have been married for 14 yrs this August.

My wife came to me in March, and said she was unhappy with every aspect of her life. She said she didn't think we ever deeply loved each other, we were just good partners. This all hit me like a ton of bricks...I was physically sick. She felt bad for me but was relieved to talk about what she has been feeling for a long time. She started to see a psychologist and said I needed to give her some space to figure it out. I tried to provide a stress free home and be as supportive as I knew how.

In hind sight, I wish I would have found this site, because 2 weeks ago, I discover the A. I was suspicious and snooped into her e-mail account and found the proof...very detailed truth.

I confronted her, she admitted it, then broke up with OM the next day and promissed to try with us. I think that was guilt talking, because I believe they are still in contact. I found a hidden cell phone with his cell being the only one stored...and recent activity. I have not confronted her yet, but plan to.

She works in the same building with OM and will have the occasional contact. If exposed at work, both could lose jobs (they are both V.P.'s of a national company).

If I expose fully, OMW, Family, Employer, etc...she will leave...I am certain.

I need help with a daily plan of attack.

Step #1 - Read surviving an affair.
Step #2 - confront about status of affair?
Step #3 - Expose? what if she has ended it?
Step #4 - Day to day behavior (mine) is it ok to show sadness?

Help!!

AWESOME..... He77 yeah....


I don't see the benifit. Do the leg work and find out yourself before any confrontation. If you confront without proof, she'll lie if she's still in the affair, so what have you gained.


Once you've done the leg work, if she is still in the affair, Expose, Expose, EXPOSE.... Two quick points A) If she looses her job it's not because you exposed, it's because of her actions B) Affairs like addictions require that a person hit an emotional bottom before they get help. Exposure helps someone to that bottom.


Depends on the situation. I think that we both agree if day to day you walk around the house "sad", that is not very attractive and likely will not win her heart. But if she does something deliberate you can express "While I'm saddened by you choice, it is your choice"

sjcc,

You have to read, read and read some more. You need to become an expert on affairs. And quickly.

I recommend, to start with: SAA, His Needs Her Needs, Private Lies and Not Just Friends. All can be ordered over the internet.

You will be urged to expose ASAP, especially at their workplace. Exposure works.

You are at a crossroads. Her affair is still going on with no end in sight.

Don't expose and lose your M with all the resulting fallout.

Expose, and maybe recover your M, with the resulting fallout.

Both you and WW are facing severe life altering consequences. Hers by her own choice, yours by her imposition on you. But the choices must still be made.

Don’t float along in your misery. It’s time for heroic action.

“If I expose fully, OMW, Family, Employer, etc...she will leave...I am certain.”

Don’t worry. They all say that. Some WS even stomp out for a while. It just helps them wake up.

Oh, and call the MB counceling center. It's worth it.

We were all scared of this, but it never happens. You have much more to be scared of if you DON'T expose, because the greater threat to your marriage is the affair. If you don't expose, the affair won't end and your marriage likely won't make it.

See, an affair thrives on secrecy because it is based on a fantasy romance that will never work. Exposing them causes them to see how ridiculous and sleazy they look in the eyes of others. It causes great conflict in the affair and hastens it's end.

It's best to expose in one fell swoop. Make a list of all key people to whom it makes sense to expose. Put the OMW on the top of your list and then start with close family, friends and end with employer. Doing it all in one day delivers a severe blow to the affair that is hard to recover from. Nor do the affairees get the chance to pre-empt you and spin the story when they find out you are exposing.

Please see this link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

for what to do. That should be your plan NOW.

I am beginging to see that I must expose, it's just so hard to
do because it's that final leap saying "this is all I've got left, my only hope" and I guess I keep hoping this will turn around before I actually have to make those calls.

There is absolutly no turning back after this. The last thing that is still fuzzy, is this cell phone that she is using to covertly keep in contact with OM. I feel like I need to bust her with this prior to exposing. Kinda of a "that's the last straw" thing. That way she knows she left me with no choice.
She said she ended it, and she lied. So the exposure is the consequence.

Do you think it's ok to express how hurt I am by this. Ask if she realizes she is giving up on all the people that love her unconditionally for a relationship that can never work...
one founded on lies and betrayal?

Or is that to much LB?

I want her to know I gave her every oportunity to stop this and work on us. And to understand I did this out of love and desperation to save our family.

How bout the Vet's out there?

sjcc, many of the vets have already responded to this thread. And we are unanimous, if you want to stop the affair, then expose it. That is a critical move that you just can't afford to avoid, no matter how unpleasant. You should expose the affair AND confront her about the phone.

You can tell her how hurt you are, that is good, but you won't be able to reason with her. She is not using reason right now and can't respond to it.

Do not use exposure as a threat. Your WW will tell others her "crazy" H is telling lies about her, and it will kill the element of suprise and shock, which is exactly what makes exposure work.

Speaking honestly to your WW is not a Love Buster. Speaking to her in Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands, and/or speaking disparagingly about the OM are all lovebusters. Stick with the truth, and stick with delivering the truth in a cool, calm, factual manner. To do otherwise is counterproductive.

You've got to handle this all with a collected calm, much like the astronauts did yesterday, when they took action when there was an element of risk involved.

This is a program that must have the steps followed if you expect success. You can read these forums for the next ten days, and you WILL find what people are going through when they have not exposed.... the process of "assisting" the affair to end can go on for months. Exposure is the single, most effective, most destructive blow you can deliver to the affair. Exposure in and of itself is NOT a Lovebuster. It's a necessary step in the process.

Exposure is not done in a vindictive manner. It is done as an act of love. You are trying to save your marriage, plain and simple. Simply state the truth... your W is involved with OM, Mr. XXXX, and you are telling this because you love your wife and you want to save your marriage. This said without tone and inference is Exposure.

This process is very, very hard to do, but is necessary if saving your marriage is the goal.

Best wishes,
SD

When I confront her about the phone, and she admitts still being involved (which is what I think she'll do), where do I go from there. I'm afraid she's going to tell me she's in love and can't stop. After all, she was ready to leave & I talked her into staying & trying to work on us, eventhough she didn't try too hard.

If she wants to leave, do I let her, or start the boundaries discussion. My instinct is to talk her out of going no matter what.

I need help with a script for this!

"I'm afraid she's going to tell me she's in love and can't stop."

Seems to me you already know this. Don't be afraid of what you already know to be true. Take action to change it.

Whether she can stop or not is a different issue. That's what MB plans are about. The odds are against her in any case. She will eventually stop (what, 97% within two years) on her own. With your help and using these plans she will stop a lot sooner.

With prayers,

If I were in your shoes, I'd Plan A my A$$ off through this weekend, and make as many deposits in her Love Bank as possible.

In the mean time, gain full control of your senses and composure, and practice what you will say when you confront her. Remember this, when you confront her on the secret phone, you will immediately "give up" one of your sources of information. If this A is to continue, they will take it deeper underground.

It would behoove you to come up with the words to allow her to confess to the continued contact without giving up your "source" of information about continued contact, at least right now. In this conversation, you will have to maintain complete composure, NO LOVEBUSTERS, just exude love and concern for your wife and marriage.

Hearing her lies will be difficult, but necessary, so you better understand how alike affairs and addictions are. You need to learn to discern your "foggy" wife from some rare moments she may emerge from the fog, when you can actually communicate with her. Until then, treat her like an alien, with whom you cannot convey logical thoughts.

The state of mind a Wayward Spouse assumes when in an affair is not unlike temporary insanity. Know that, if nothing else.

Do not talk about the A at every encounter. Attempt to normalize your life with her, showing her the New Plan A YOU. Apologize for those things you brought to the marriage that were not healthy for the marriage, and ask her what things about you could be different. Listen closely, as she'll be giving you Plan A tips, that you should give due consideration.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Her "love" and her mindset will not change instantly. You Plan A efforts must mount up, and will do their work as a cumulative effort.

Patience, Plan A, unconditional love expecting nothing in return is your course of action for the next few weeks.

Hang in there!
SD

So are you saying don't confront about the phone? Just tell her I have good reason to think she has not ended the A?

Also, is it as effective to expose anonymously as far as the employer, OMW, etc. Obviously, the close family will not be, but can the other be done this way?

Also, is it as effective to expose anonymously as far as the employer, OMW, etc. Obviously, the close family will not be, but can the other be done this way?

You already know the answer to that question.

Exposure is a personal or phone discussion...not done vindictively, but done out of love and a desire to save your marriage. No more information needs to be shared than necessary, however you might want to provide "evidence" to the OM's W, to prove your case. Otherwise, just the delivery of the facts, with NO anger or attitude, informing the necessary parties of the affair, and your desire to end the affair, and begin to make your marriage a better one, because you love your wife.

It's a difficult, but necessary step, and the most powerful one at that, in ending the affair.

Read all of Gramn's thread and you'll see the results. Also, there's tons of great advice there you can use.

SD

I Decided to hold off on confronting about the phone so I could use it for more intel, but now it seems to have dissapeared. She may be leaving it at work, but I'm sure she won't be able to leave it over the weekend.

Also, on the spyware stuff, can you buy it at a retailer, if I order it or download it, she will see the charge on c.c. Can anyone recommend a particular title?

sjcc, I can sympathize with your situation, since I just exposed using a blitz method on Monday. It is not pretty and will defenitely be the worst days of your life, but as one of the vets so astutely stated, do nothing and the A worsens and your M is over, expose and your M may still be over, but now you have a fighting chance. I feel terrible right now, but I just try and remind myself of all her lies and know that this is the only way.

Listen to these people, they know what they are talking about.

sjcc, can you please email me at my email address in my signature? Thank you.

“If I expose fully, OMW, Family, Employer, etc...she will leave...I am certain.”

That is exactly what I thought my WW would do. Well she didn't leave but instead she said that she will never be able to get over this. Well I will never be able to get over her EA, but I will be able to forgive her for it. See the differenc?

The more I go through this the more I realized (like the vets have said) each WW acts like it is from a textbook. Learn from that book and you can succeed.

HTW, I think a big part of my reluctance to expose is the fact that I love my wife and I hate the idea of permanently lableing her as a cheater, betrayer, and many worse names, in the eyes of family, freinds, neighbors, etc.

It's a small world out there you know. It is so tempting to just hand my wife a list of all the people that I will expose to if she refuses to end this dead end affair and come back to us...for some real work on the marriage. I think it would have some shock value to she the wide range of people she is hurting. I'm sure if that worked though, it would be everyones first choice.

Also, how did you "bug" your computer. When I got into the wife's E-mail acct, the only way I could do it was to request a password change, which she obviously found out about as soon as she tried logging in. I got my proof, but can't get any more. I would like something better to take to OMW.

Hang in there HTW.

Would you rather them hear of your inevitable divorce that takes place because exposure was never done? That is what they will be hearing if you continue to help them hide the affair. The greatest threat to your marriage is not some deserved embarrassment, but the affair.

sjcc, if you will email me in my signature, I will help you with the spyware.


Exactly. If it worked that is what we would do. But it doesn't. It is tantamount to handing over all your weapons to the enemy because you will be forever neutralized after exposing your plans to the affairees. You will forever lose that option because they will simply pre-empt you and spin the story: with YOU starring as the "suspicious, paranoid nut."

It is also blackmail, which is very bad. Don't make threats, just go do it.

sjcc, I didn't bug the computer, I bugged the phone line and recorded information I would consider incriminating. But I can say with 100% cetainty that if I made her listen to the tape she would deny or try to explain the situation as non eventful. That is what they do. I don't like to listen to that tape to often since it makes me sick to my stomach and angry.