Faith1....
Ok...now you've made me cry!!!!! That was beautiful!!!

Wouldn't it be EASIER, to get back together to KNOWN relationship, hoping it'd be better this time?
Easier, not so much work as with searching for new one, compromising again from the beginning, Unknwn...
And that's the reason you think of your X.
Of course, there must be some leftovers of love, kids shared, years shared, as the 'secure' past vs. 'uncertain future', but that's all (otherwise you would try and try to get him back, right?)
You are lonely and you feel fear you waste some years... maybe and maybe not, it depends on how would you feel if you are 'not alone' but unhappy, again...

Me... it's been 2,5 years now without him... and there are moments I'm afraid I'm not alive as a woman anymore... no wish...
I am so full of love but empty to give it...

I have my son (3,5), I bought a house for the of us, have my job too, a few friends, and my parents' demands :-)
and I'm so full of duties I have no time sometimes for the minimum of time for just myself.
And I don't complain, I'm fine, over with any pain or anger or Love with my X (we started to spend some time together with our son, and we even joke and laugh again... from time to time I'ms ad we didn't make it, but, hey, what can I do?... I still love him, as my past, as the father of my son, and I hope one day we can be good friends... who nows... I din't forgive him and never will (my decision :-) but - I let it go!)

So, these days/months, my main goal is (except to raise my child properly and give him all my love and attention) - t get more money and secure our solid life...

Am I normal? It doesn't matter, so far my son and I are happy ;-)

Belonging to Myself - that is where I want to be... Happy with letting go.. at peace - maybe never forgiving but accpeting of what it is - this I guess is what I wrestle with... And you know you may have hit the nail on the head with - thinking it would be easier to go back to what I know versus - finding something new.... You sound at peace with everything... I hope to be there someday and someday soon - and you know somedays I feel I am there - then I fall back.. Last night my ex went to my daughters play he came and sat with my family - my daughter saved him a seat and then he talked to everyone and I gotta tell you it annoyed me but I worked through it... You know -- I will find peace in all of this someday...

Belonging2Myself: "I hope one day we can be good friends... who nows.."

I do. If this is what the both of you want, then it will happen. I have some friends, who divorced after 18 years of marriage. They had a 12 year old son at the time. After they got over their anger, they decided that for the good of their son, they had to get past the divorce and remember that they had been best friends thoughout college and graduate school and then had had had a basically good 18 years of marriage on top of that. They did it! The man remarried and bought a house just a few blocks from his now-ex-wife. The son had bedrooms at both houses and got to choose which one he'd sleep in on any given night. The two wives became very close; my friend says her husband always had great taste in women. They all get on well and even spend holidays together as one big family. The remarkable part of this success story is that the son is the only child I've ever known who came through his parents divorce with no problems at all. All it takes is a concious choice and you can accomplish anything.

Maw, if you decide!!, you WILL be!
It is really a matter of your own decision! - do you want to spend the rest of your life in misery of your past, or you want to enjoy life again and be a happy mommy to your kids, a happy person to yourself, and one day, who knows, a happy woman to a happy man!

I cannot say that there are not days I feel sad, or some triggers... but it last just a couple of minutes/hours at worst, and I'm back to my peace!
For I would rather die right now then be in THAT R ever again in my life. Ever!

My next step to make is going to be very hard... He's still seeing that woman (ow) and I really am scared of the moment when/if she spends some time with him when my son is with him!
I know that'll be very hard milestone for me but I know I'll achieve it to!
I don't know yet how, but I am positive I will.
I HAVE TO! ;-)

However, I understand you very well...

Please make decision to be happy again!!!


CheckUrHeart, I wish I could reach that, one day...
However, I don't think it will ever happen if he stays with ow!
That's my decision, final.
If with someone new, that he didn't cheat on me with, I could do that, I am sure it won't be hard at all (if she's ok, I mean, anyway I'd have to know her if my son would be going to spend some time with her too...)
Regardless ow or new w in his life, I cannot be friends with him as long as he keeps lying... I cannot be a friend with a liar...
can you imagine, he still denies he's seeing her from time to time? (2 yrs. after D)
No trust no friendship... so sad...

Belonging2Myself - my ex denied ever really being with the OW next door neighbor pretty much even when his car was over there.. but you know what - They just recently broke up which makes it easier for all of us to talk to him - but he already was seeing some lady that he tried to involve the girls with - and then bam they broke up after about three weeks... and it still bothered me that he was with someone - not that I want to be with him but the fact that I knew he was with someone else and I still am not with anyone.. I know that is by my own choice and a good one at that.. but it still hurt - knowing that he can just jump from one to the other - and I am sure he will continue on... Kind of makes me ill.. And I am by all outward appearances happy - it is just the inner me that is struggling with the turmoil that I still feel in my mind and my heart... You know???

I'm adding myself to the list of folks not currently dating. Someone else mentioned going back to work on their PhD. Funny - that is something that has been bothering me the past few months.

Recently, I've been trying to focus on my next career goals. I used to love my job, but lately - I've just been thinking it's time for a change. I've been here nearly 5 years and just feel like I need to move on. I've been considering moving to another state for a while and it seems like I've been trying to pick when is the right time to pack up and go.

After my divorce and separation - part of me wanted to re-live what I didn't get the chance to do at 21 when I married. I never got to just DATE. I was with my ex-h since I was 18 and suddenly - 10 years later - I wanted to have fun. I made sure all of my have fun dating choices weren't looking for real relationships either. So, that is a twist on dating for me compared to other people. Now that I've done that for a year - my focus keeps shifting to my career.

The guy I just broke up with - caused me to note that part of me missed a relationship - but I was too afraid to be completely open. I seemed to have a lot more walls than he did and I know I have more work to do before I can be involved in a serious relationship.

I'm not currently dating because 1) the guy I would like to date is interested enough to go to invite me to lunch 2-3 times a week, bring me a gift from his vacation, e-mail/call me/visit me multiple times a day, but doesn't appear to be interested enough to ask me out; 2) no one else seems interested enough to ask me out (then, again, I'm not exactly going anywhere or doing anything that would allow me to meet someone who might be interested enough to ask me out); and 3) performing my job (which has invovled nothing but very intense corporate politics as of late) and raising my almost 4 year old DS is exhausting me, so when would I find time to date?

Regards,

BB

BB, what to you call his asking you to lunch 2-3 times per week, if not asking you out? He's definitely showing interest, so are you subconciously pushing him away? He may see you as unapproachable in terms of a romantic interest. BTW, there's nothing in the world wrong with you asking him out. It's very flattering to a man for a woman to show interest in him. Women make a major mistake in making us do all the up-front leg work.

I know.

I do the same, sometimes!
BUT I stop it in a few minutes, for I have "pattern" I behave in those moments of my loneliness and, yes, weakness, too.

So, yes, it is your choice not to be with someone, or no such opportunity yet, and yes, you can TOO jump from one to another man, but you chose not to.
Just Jumping is not happines, it's empty jumping, nothing to be jelaous about, for everyone could do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You will be fine!
Maybe neither you nor I will ever be these feelings totally free, but by time, they will be just reminder that thanks God we are allowed at all to make our own choices too!!

I'm agreeing with you Check! BB - he's showing interest! My ex-bf - did this as well - he and I went out at least 1x a week for lunch. We didn't go out on a real date until Mid-March! ask him to go to a movie & see what happens!

Wow look at all this action on my little dating thread.. and the best comment - from Belonging2myself - Empty Jumping...That is a great way to look at it.. I may not have someone - but I am ok with that...sure lonely or sometimes jealous - but you know what I do have alot to be greatful for - a home - two wonderful children - two wonderful jobs - Great Friends... OK I am done whining... Sooner or later I will meet someone... And Brits Brat.. Heck you are dating him - you can dating in the afternoon - why don't you ask him to go to a movie or something... I mean actions speak louder than words - he is taking you to lunch, emailing you - buying you gifts... maybe he just doesn't want to push for more for fear of scaring you off....

For background re: my situation and why I don't consider us to be dating , see my thread http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#2769821

Bottomline, I have become very fond of this guy. To add to the confusion, the following are this week's happenings:

-Work guy went on vacation to another country (alone). His first day back to work was Monday and an hour into the day, he showed up at my office door with a small, very delicately carved box with a lid for me. Before ever showing up at my door, he sent me an Outlook invitation to lunch for Wednesday.
-On Tuesday, he showed up at my door asking me how to get to a medical complex on my side of town as he had a dr.'s appointment on Wednesday afternoon. He had something wrong with his shoulder and the first dr. he saw sent him to a specialist. After giving him directions, I told him if, in fact, he did end up having surgery, which the first dr. said was an option, I would gladly drive him if needed.
-On Wednesday, we were bantering back and forth via one-line e-mails. Our banterings are somewhat of a cat and mouse game via which I have made very clear my desire for our friendship to progress to the next level. When we were scheduled to go to lunch, he showed up at my door with one of his co-workers that thinks we are romantically involved and, then, throughout lunch, made comments that would give one the impression that we are - he likes seeing his co-worker's reaction. After lunch, our bantering resumed:

Me: Last person I knew of who went to [the country he went to on vacation], he did so to find a mail order bride, is there something you're not telling us?

Work guy: I'll make sure you get an invitiation.

Me: Should I start up the Lohengrin (Side note from BB - the traditional Here Comes the Bride is actually the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin). (Side note from BB - work guy and I are very much on the same playing field when it comes to music, opera, theater, art, etc.)

Me (forwarding the last response): You know, I've struggled not to blurt out what I'm really thinking, but I just can't help myself, so here goes (I'm much braver via e-mail than in person)...Everyone cries at weddings...I'll just be crying for a different reason."

Me again after a long period of no response: What no quick witted comeback?

Him: Let me see...how to say this appropriately. We have other things to discuss....

Me: ?

End of e-mails because he left to go to the drs. When done there, he called me from the parking lot of the medical complex to tell me how he made out (bursitis, no surgery). After he reported on the dr.'s visit, I asked him what he meant by his last message and he said, just that we have other things to discuss. When I asked like what, he said we'll talk about it tomorrow over lunch with [friend of his who I know because he also works for our company but in a different building than us). "Besides, that will keep him guessing, too." When I asked him what that meant, he responded that [the guy we were going to lunch with] has asked him about us. When I asked how he responded, he said, "Friends." The conversation went on for a few more minutes and, then, ended.
-Went to lunch on Thursday - nothing worth commenting on because by that point, I had pretty much reached my limit on his cat and mouse game and was rather quiet...so much so his friend asked me what was wrong, that I was out of sorts. He did say during lunch, though, that his boss told him he is good at what he does because he never answers a question (boy don't I know it). His response to his boss was tell me your position and I'll answer your question. Soooo, after lunch I sent him an e-mail reiterating what he said and saying that I think I have made my position very clear so when is he going to answer the question. His response was, "That doesn't apply to attorneys." When I said that's not fair, he responded, "Fair? Who said anything about fair."
-Work guy had two interviews for a new position in the company later Thursday afternoon. Based upon the time he showed up at my door, I know he came to my office straight from the second interview. When we were done talking, I walked to the elevator with him as I had to go see someone on another floor. When my elevator came (he was going up, I was going down) he told me to have a good weekend and he'd see me Monday and that was it.

I have all but hit him over the head. As I said, I am at the point where I have had enough of the cat and mouse game.

So.....long story short, that is why I'm not dating.

Regards,

BB

No, BB, you haven't hit him over the head; you have flirted with this man. Nothing more. There is a woman at work who flirts like this with me and I know she has no real interest, since she flirts with others the same way. You speak of cat and mouse games. Why are you doing this? You aren't in high school anymore. These sorts of games lead to bad communication skills, misunderstandings and ultimately failure of any relationship that may form. Don't make your life into some comical "chick flick" romance. The two of you are sending one another a lot of mixed signals. Why not just get your feelings out into the open in a frank and honest way?

Why not try this the next time you have lunch with him. Your heart will be pounding and you'll feel awkward, but master yourself and just do it. Say something like. "I've been meaning to talk to yoyu. We've been dancing around each other for a long time now. I know you're fond of me, and you must know I'm fond of you. I'd like for us to have more of a relationship and I get the impression that you do too. So why are we holding back."

This will open the door for a frank conversation and give him an opportunity to let him tell you how he feels, what he wants, and what his fears are. Here are two things that may be holding him back:

1. You haven't been divorced that long. He may feel that he need to give you more time, but wants to make sure you know he's there and waiting by doing endearing things.

2. I don't know what positions the two of you hold in your company. I do know that some people will not even consider a workplace romance, though this doesn't appear to bethe case with your fellow. I am one of those who believes that workplace romances are appropriate, even desireable, but understand that they are really only for mature adults who know how to handle things if they don't work out. I'm in management, so I would have to be very, very careful about such things, lest I put my company at risk of a sexual harassment suit. Some companies have policies strickly prohibiting supervisory and managerial personnel from having romantic relationships with employees. So this could be a factor for him.

Now go show that man what kind of stuff you are made of!

Checkurheart,

Thanks for the help - I see exactly what you mean about not having been as clear as I thought I was. Next time we have lunch I will do what you have suggested.

As far as concern over a workplace romance issue, ironically, I am the person in our company responsible for compliance with our company's policies, including the harassment policy. There is no reporting relationship between him and me and we sit on different floors, now. We would not have to see or interact with each other if things were to progress and, then, go south. As you said, I don't think that is the issue here.

I'm going to go spend the rest of my weekend getting my nerve up to say what you have suggested as I think it is brilliant and certainly leaves him no out but to answer the question.

Regards,

BB

That was probably me. I have a couple of courses left, then exams, then dissertation.


I too have considered moving, and also wondered what I missed. When I met my H - over 20 years ago - I had plans to move out of state. Plans I'd been working on for years. He promised to move with me, but then after we were married, he decided he had too much unfinished business with his family and didn't want to leave until it was resolved. Well, you know what they say? Life is what happens while you are making other plans....

So here I sit, wondering if I should have gone way back when, or if I should go now. Now I'm older - harder to start over again, my parents are elderly (geez, did I really say that?) and my siblings have kids that are growing up fast. I know if I do move away, I will never again have the connections I have here, but neither will I have to face STBXH everywhere I turn.

For me the PhD is my ticket out of here. I can get an academic job elsewhere if I finish it. I truly think I will move away at some point.

Took the advice here with regard to work guy and attempted the dialogue suggested...made a complete fool of myself. I don't even want to post about it here as I am trying very hard not to think about it. Then, to add insult to injury, instead of fowarding an e-mail from him to my close friend for her take, I hit reply and basically made more of a fool of myself.

I knew there was a reason I didn't like dating the first time around and dislike it even more now that I'm divorced and attempting it a second time around. I mean, I just don't get it. I am not the least bit unattractive - both weight and looks are above average. I'm no beauty queen, but I'm definitely not unattractive. In my younger days (boy that sounds funny as I'm only 44) I turned quite a few heads. Now I don't even get a first glance much less a second and flirting...what's that? Men used to flirt with me now its like I'm not existent. I am well-educated, cultured, successful and personable....so why is this SO difficult?

Regards,

BB

Oh, BB, I'm so sorry to hear this. Maybe it isn't as bad as you think. I can understand that you don't want to talk about it just now.

Sorry, dear, but people our age don't flirt so much -- at least not in the way we once did. I know just how you feel about dating. I, too, have always hated it. I also understand how difficult this is for those of us in our fifth decade. I'm 47, and I can tell you that there aren't many women my age interested in any man. If they aren't married, they are busy raising their children or have had such bad experiences that they are finished with men. More and more, men our age are adopting the same attitude. Because of this, and because I really shudder at the thought of starting all over again with someone new (yes, it is very stressful), I am thinking that it is possible possible that I will spend the rest of my life alone. But who knows, maybe some lady will come along and blow my socks off. It's the same for you. Try not to be too disappointed and down.