I see what you are saying, Dorry. Some of this is just me trying to sort my brain out. No easy task. So much knowledge to move around, ya know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I just know that, for some reason, I am not allowing myself to open up to Mrs. Wonk. I just don't understand what it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

you are in pain, you are trying to heal...you don't want your heart to be hurt again - it's natural to not want to open yourself up again - it's a big risk.

The biggest thing both Sprint and I have done - is WHAT is our goal? A foundation for a healthy loving marriage that lasts is our goal.

So how do we respond and do things - we do it according to our GOAL. even if it's a risk, even if it makes us vulernable to eachother - even if it's hard to do - if it HELPS our goal - then we do it. Reacting on how we feel that day is just emotional reactions and affect that day - and do nothing for the long time goal?

Do you have a goal yet?

Sometimes, emotional needs seems to me to be a cover - an excuse. If Mrs. Wonk didn't get her emotional needs met in the marriage, why didn't she say so? Really. (I know it is not that easy - just throwing this out for discussion sake <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

See, for me, I know that SF was an issue in the marriage. I told her about how I felt for years. I just was not aggressive enough. I did not communicate what I needed well enough. That is a failure due to my own insecurities. My own lack of self-confidence that led me to not press for what I deserved in the marriage. I failed myself by not saying what I needed and wanted. Because of that, I failed the marriage, too. Focusing on "needs" masks the underlying issues of what makes the person tick. IMHO.

WellI know I tried to tell Sprint what was going on - I didn't know anything about needs, or wants, just that something wasn't right...but I was a CA..and I brought it up in such a manner he dismissed it, or ignored it. Being that I had no clue the danger I was in, or what I even needed, I didn't push the arguements.

What I SHOULD have done, is pushed the argument - stressed that I needed his help to figure out what was going on with me, that I was unhappy - instead - I didn't want to disturb his world...and just kept doing things for him.

H communited his SF frustration all the time, except he did it wrong too -told me I needed to get help for my lack of sexual function, told me that I must not have loved him, made me not want it all the more.

COMMUNICATIONS is the key - it sounds like you and Mrs Wonk are afraid to communicate or just don't know how - so when something was going on with her, and then she probably didn't KNOW it was her needs...just that she was unhappy, and you not communicating your SF...you guys just by passed eachother.

I see what you are saying by focusing on the needs, but it's like what I told improving - she has no clue if her husband is making the changes she wants to see, but she can't force her H too...

You can't force your W to either. But just like you, she is probably analyzing and making changes too...but she also recognizes what needs she has now, and is asking you to meet them. This is the time to recognize YOUR needs and ask her to meet them to.

It's not the primary focus, but it's part of rebuilding the relationship - that's what the needs are.

And you and Mrs Wonk have to learn to communicate. no more conflict avoiding. Learn how to say what you need to say in a way that wont put her down, but still voice your opinion. She will follow suit one day on her own.

For example, with Sprint, I am learning that even if he doesn't change, the changes I make cause him to react differently and react in a way I like. I used to put Sprint down when he would voice his POV...cause he didn't say it nicely...here is what I mean

He would come home and say - this kitchen is a mess! And I would take it personally and get angry and say - why don't you try and pick up after two kids - you don't have to be an [censored]. What was I doing? because HE said something wrong to me, I got defensive and put down his observation and point of view...causing him to become defensive and now neither of us is open for discussion.

Now I make the effort to respond similarly like this -The way you said that hurt a little, but I know you aren't making a personal jab at me so I apologize the kitchen is such a mess, it's been one of those days. Anything you can suggest to me to help me get this done on days like this?

Usually he has no suggestions, but he also walks away happy - and often even helps me out. WHICH is something that NEVER happened when I reacted the other way.

My point is -make YOUR changes. No matter what your wife does, you can't control her, you can't force her to change - all you can do is change yourself - learn new ways to communicate, to act, to react...and you will find she changes without even knowing she is. Learn what she gets defensive about, and learn how to avoid triggering her defences. LEARN to make it safe for both of you. She'll come around...

Know that feeling - I did the exact same thing.



I told her a few times that I was getting resentful of the lack of SF. I needed to be more effective I guess because she said that though she heard me, she didn't realize how serious I was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> As for Mrs. Wonk, she didn't know what she needed - she just threw stuff out there for me to meet, which I did to a point though I could have done better. The A helped her understand what she needed. Lucky me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



This is what I am doing...I'll get there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know that feeling - Sprint left started his EA then abandoned us and had his PA - called the kids 3 times in 4 weeks! What he learned? he understand the marriage is what he wants after all and he CAN get past my A, he realized that while trying to "replace" me he didn't want to replace me...he loved me, and that he was only "replacing" himself. He now knows what he wants....oh lucky me too.

BUT i know he feels the same way - that OH lucky me thing - i bet Mrs. Wonk is feeling the same way....I had an A, I confess, I try to do the right thing, and Mr. Wonk has an affair - says it's because he needed to feel good and loved, when I was here wanting to love him and make him feel good - oh lucky me.

The point is - you are BOTH there now...start the changes, rebuild the foundation! You can't control what eachother does...so just focus on you and what YOu can contribute to the marriage.