A couple of weeks before he left me, my WH took me out to a concert.

This was the first time in quite a while that he had paid me any attention. I was so happy that night - we talked, flirted, listened to a wonderful concert. He made me feel really special - I thought things were really on the up for us.

I know now, of course, that he had already decided to leave me at this point.

Does anyone else have an experience like this - where a WS has spent time and/or money making the BS feel great before dropping the bomb?

I keep wondering why he did it - I did ask him, and he said he would do it again, he'd like to take me out again to the same venue, once I was feeling better about him leaving me and we were 'friends' again.

This is something I keep turning over and over in my head. I just can't understand it. He must have known it would make me think he loved me. Why did he do it?

I'd like to hear other peoples experiences/comments.

Thanks.

Alph.

Hi Alph

Ummm, he is a bit of a cake eater. But if you look at it from another perspective, you are providing ENs that OP is not.

One thing that my FWW said to me was when she came home from seeing OM, she felt better to be with me. She sat down and watched TV in a better mood.

FreeAllAngels

Well, I'm musical, for one thing (WH is a music teacher) and I know that OW isn't.

Can't imagine him taking her to a concert and getting any enjoyment from it.

Stupid, stupid WS!

Alph.

Alph

Have a really nice holiday. Enjoy the time with your DDs, of all people SAHM's deserve a, one thing that my FWW hated was me having a good time without her - the vision of you having a good time without WH will make him think, it will make him think alot.

FreeAllAngels

Thank you, FAA.

I'll have a wonderful time, I hope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Guilt. In their pea size brain, they think it will absolve their guilt.

As a BS, I would remind the WS if they are doing this to resolve their guilt, they are in for 1 rude awakening. This may sound mean but I would remind the WS just as he seemed t/b having some fun because with all the triggers going on I sure was not having fun. Of course this dampered the night for the WS, but hey I was already down and did not want to hog all the hurt just for me. I shared. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Alphin -- in Jan, WH and went to Thailand to shop for some household items. He seemed so happy and eager to buy things for our new home. We were moving in a couple of weeks later. He was bragging abt his purchases to my parents when we returned home. I had NO INKLING that he was unhappy!

In late April, we scoured the island, visiting nurseries after nurseries, looking for a suitable household plant for an empty corner in the living room. He was laughing, holding my hands, looking really happy. I had NO INKLING that he was unhappy (having claimed on D-Day that he wanted to leave me 5 yrs ago!)!

A week before D-Day, he offered to drive me to my salsa class before he left for a biz trip. I had NO INKLING that he was unhappy!

I exposed his A to his close friend and fellow biz partner, S and S mentioned to me incredulously that he can't figure out how WH and OW can even get along.

Go figure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

~A

I guess that's it. Strangely enough, it just made me feel much worse!

But, as you say Orchid, the logic part of the brain is broken in the WS. He still thinks he will take me out again!

Wonder what OW would think of that...

Alph.

Ashley,

I think both our WHs were great at compartmentalising (sp?).

I feel so stupid that I had no idea about the A. Feel so stupid about how happy he made me by giving me that lovely evening.

Alph.

What Orchid said about guilt being the motivation is right. I think there is usually a bit of fence sitting going on too - they are making a comparison between spouse and OP in these situations.

As for good bye gestures: out of the blue my XH sent me a "care package" of goodies, including chocolates, moisturiser and supplements for healthy hair and nails (I was away doing Army training). Very uncharacteristic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Actually, I think that OW may have put it together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

When I arrived back home after this 2 month stint, he was in the kitchen cooking my favourite dinner (which he himself didn't like to eat), had bought me a copy of the Sunday paper (never, ever, ever did this before).

When he left, he offered to continue to pay rent and let me have the VCR (of no use at all without a TV). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

At the time, I couldn't make any sense of this. I had no idea at all that he was involved in an affair. Only after DDay - which was 6 weeks after he left - did it all fall into place: G U I L T

It all makes sense from a distance. Keep on moving!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I feel so stupid that I had no idea about the A
Did you have no idea or did you deny it?

my frined reminded me on Sunday that last may he an dI went to Amsterdam for weekend. I'd told him THEN Squid was behaving so horribly towards me that I thought she could be seeing someone else.

And she was.

But it was a total bombshell when it hit. Total denial.

I thought it once to myself - he had come home from 'the library' and gone upstairs and brushed his teeth. I remember thinking that was very strange, and thought 'I wonder...'

But then I just dismissed it, told myself to stop being to suspicious.

But it was the first thing I asked when he said he wanted a separation. 'Are you seeing someone else?'

He admitted it straight away.

He was treating me so badly, total neglect. I just thought he didn't love me any more, but didn't know why. Or maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

I trusted him completely. Especially after he took me to that concert!!!

Alph.

My WH also made a fantastic dinner on D/day. Starters, desert - everything!

Again, if this was meant to soften the blow, it didn't work!

Alph.

The day before D-Day, H and I were driving around looking at Victorian houses to buy and remodel together. This was not in the same city where we live, but near his parent's home.

We were laughing, and talking, and day-dreaming about the good future we could see together ... and it was a relief because he had been pretty snippy and distant with me for months ... I thought his bad mood was due to the stress of his father's terminal illness.

It wasn't until later I realized the one Victorian H was most interested in was only 2 miles from where OW and her H lived. Sweet, huh? I was livid when I figured this out.

The week before H began the physical part of his A, he rented a surprise limo to drive a friend and me to the airport ... we were leaving for a cruise. (It was a free cruise, and my friend asked me to go with her ... and my H was soooo gracious and encouraged me to go off and have a good time without him ... because I deserved to relax and get away from the kids) When I got back from the cruise, H drove to see his ailing Dad ... and the out-of-town affair began, on Father's Day.

See Alph, you are no dumber than the rest of us.

Know what? Writing this stuff does not even bother me any more ... that is what recovery is like .... this is what happened, but it is so remote and not any trigger to discuss.

I don't think we BS are "stupid". Perhaps in denial, I'll go for that. Marriage is about trust. Can one actually have marriage if they are on red alert all the time? I don't think anybody goes on their guard until D-day. Hindsight is 20-20.

My WH is just like everybody else's. His gesture was to bring a pair of diamond and saphire earrings back from the trip where he started his A. He still attempts to do nice things all the time. Of course, it's at his whim and he can't understand why that would pizz me off. It's like they can turn it on and off. For example, he was really sweet on Saturday but we haven't heard from him since.

Maybe we're just a habit left over from another life. Maybe they just feel comfortable with us. No need to impress us. We're the ones they can and have farted in front of and we've seen them at the best and worst of times. We've taken care of them when they were sick. We've heard all the gripes about their job. They don't think they need to put their best foot forward and suck in their stomach all the time around us. We're like comfort food. JMHO.

Have a great trip, Alphin. My kids are much better traveling companions than my WH.

My WW had just asked me to let her order a brand new BMW( which we did), we were in the process of putting up a building with both of our professional offices inside( which we had signed contracts and a cr*p house full of money), she wanted to have a baby and even talked about adoption. The kicker was that because she was so worn out physically and I could just not get away, I was talked into letting her go on a cruise along with her new "best friend" girlfriend.

The rest, as they say, is history.

I didn't really have anything before, but right after dday H took us on a fun family outing, dinner and games, the works, and among the toys he purchased for the children was one of those teddy bears that you make. DD6 chose a Ballerina Bear, or something like that, but I still can only think of it as Guilt Bear.