Kandi,
I told you that you would find someone new. I don't want to say anything else here, but drop me an email.
Michael

What??? It wasnt okay for Ed to make these same statements and rationalizations, but it is okay for Kandi?

In His arms.

No. She is expected to live up to her wedding vows until she is no longer married.

Not divorced = adultery.

Not divorced = adultery. It makes her the same as Ed. And all of her complaints about Ed sleeping around now mean nothing because she has done the same thing.

And thus she divorces the "creep" and then moves on with her life. Not do like Ed did and get someone else while he is still married.

Probably. But not the point here. We are worried about Ed. We are worried about Kandi.

And that coming straight out of the WS Fog Handbook!!

Chapter 34 of the WS Fog Handbook, under the section titled "I'm Entitled."

But she will live knowing that she did the same thing he did. Adultery.

We are lightening up. But we love Kandi and only want the best for her. by not doing the right thing, she has done the same thing as Ed. And now she has no right to look at him and condemn him for his affair...since she has now had her own. Sure, she should probably divorce him. But she has lost any sense of moral high ground here in regards to cheating.

In His arms.

Are you controlled by your impulses or values?

Remember, starting a new relationship before you've finished the other appropriately doesn't work.

Kandi, you are making rationalizations which are no different than the WS saying "Well, I gave the marriage 14 years and it didnt work out...so I was done." No different.

All probably true. Which is why you didnt need an affair to clutter up things as you worked this thru your heart and mind.

I for one am not being nasty, Kandi. You know me...I call them as I see them. And to help you is to give you the truth. Anytime you say "I know it is wrong, but..." you are in a bad place. And we do not want you to be there. We only want the best for you and your kids. And really, Ed also.

We are talking to you Kandi...the same way we talk to every WS...which you now are. You know this stuff. You have helped many on here see wha they need to do. And you know what you need to do. It is okay to go forward with the divorce. It is also okay to try again with Ed, but this time more intelligently. These are YOUR decisions. But an affair does not help you...it only makes things worse. As bad as things have been for you Kandi, we never wanted things worse for you. In the fog, you know that the WS cannot see how bad things are getting due to the euphoria. But they are getting worse Kandi. You must end contact with this guy. The whole route (send the NC letter). Finish your marriage or save it. And take time to heal. The way you have talked about this guy, it will not last. And you WILL wake up and not feel good about yourself if you went out of your marriage like this. You talk about loneliness?? When this happens, you will wish for the loneliness you had before!

You are where Ed has been and probably still is. You are now addicted to the drug of the affair. You know all of this stuff. Do you want out? Do you want to do right, even though it is gonna hurt? You are the only one that can do this...just as Ed was the only one that could get things together on his end.

You cant even think about this until you end the affair. As long as the affair is going on, then you are holding Ed hostage to the affair. "Either he shows me the future, or I will continue on with this guy." Not gonna work out that way, Kandi. I will bet you a year's salary.

You know the drill. You know about fog, addiction, NC, and withdrawal. You have the intel. Now will you overcome your feelings in order to do the right thing?

In His arms.

This is fog babble. You are eiter married or you are not. There is no grey area!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

She's not married, and hasnt been in a long time. She's just waiting on some paper from the state to make it legal in the courts.

Talk about beating a dead horse...

Who says she aint married? Kandi? Well, then Ed said they werent married when he started his affair. Thus Kandi had no right to try to make him live up to his vows...since Ed had decided they were divorced.

You know something, my wife had moved out and had field for divorce. We were two weeks before the hearing, and she was caught having OM over her house. Guess what? The court found that what she was doing was adultery!!! Even though the marriage was "over." Even though we were just waiting on some hearings and paperwork. Even though we had been separated for 4 months. The court found it to be adultery.

And dont get me on what God expects.

Who decides Druscilla? When is a marriage over? When is the line crossed?

In His arms.

Kand:

I know I'll be in the minority but those that Keep Insisting this is the "same" as what Ed Has and IS Doing ........ sorry, just can't Go with that perspective.

Not going to get into a huge debate on the particulars,
but for the record I am neither in an A (nor have ever been) and am not In any type of Fog to be agreeing in principle with Dru.

K:
However,
that is Not to say that I think this is the time or place to be getting involved in another relationship.

Not the best choice (cause timing in life can be everything).
This could be one that comes back to bite you later on.
(Not a certainty ....but definitely a possibility).

With that said:
Please,
Just make sure you actually let the divorce go through this time!

Cause If you had the First time,
you wouldn't be getting all the Static you currently are!

Funny isn't it?
That YOUR delaying what you "KNOW" you should have done (the D) and being the ONE to actually Try (Yet once again) ....is what is getting all this negative reaction towards you Now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

M23B,
I submit that you are doing this for one reason and one reason only: To get Ed's attention and bring him back to you. Nothing else has worked, so now you are playing the great big jealousy card and hoping he will be as hurt as you were and come running back to you.

It's massivly unfair to this new man that you are dating. He is just being used. Does he know the whole story?

For heaven's sake, woman, make a decision! You never act; you simply react. You react to whatever Ed does and now you react to whatever your new man does. You never stand up and decide about anything. You simply float along and wait to see what will happen next. Now you are just as big a fence-sitter as Ed. Where do you think that's going to lead?

If you want to save your marriage to Ed, then drop the new man and continue to Plan B.

If you want to pursue a new and healthier relationship, then drop Ed completely and GET the divorce.

One or the other. You are trying to do both and are still refusing to make a decision.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

I wish you the best. I really do. But this is just about the worst "choice" you could possibly have made. The muck you and your children are stuck in will only get thicker and thicker and thicker.

MAKE A DECISION!
Mulan

I do agree mostly with Mortarman but I do believe that people have to find a way to move on. I'm definitely NOT saying that I think doing what the WS did is the answer. I just think that maybe meeting new people is a good thing. I didn't say "dating"....just knowing that there is life out there after divorce can really help sometimes. My divorce isn't final yet but I have met some really nice men that once I am divorced I may go out with. Trust me..I have made a few mistakes myself. I did end up kissing someone else but ya know what? I stopped myself and we are just friends right now.
I think each person has to decide for themselves.

Who do YOU think decides? Seems to me that Ed decided, then Kandi decided. It's BEEN decided. Paperwork HAS been filed. Neither seem too worried about God, so that point is moot.

I know people recover from this, but they've decided otherwise.

I read that the divorce rate for marriages that occur within two years of one or both partners divorcing is 85%.

Anyone else seen something like this?

GC

They do. They finish getting divorced, and then move on. What would people say to a soldier that said "Hey, I left my unit because I was doen with my enlistment. The paperwork was already in. It was jsut a formality. So, I went ahead and left before the paperwork was singed and approved." Anyone want to say to him "That's alright. The paperwork was in, afterall." Or you wanna tell him that he was a deserter?

Yes, it is...AFTER they are no longer married.

I know what yo uare saying. But read my other thread about Grey Areas on here. I talk about how just meeting people almost turned into adultery for me. All because the paperwork was in and I wanted to start thinking like my foggy wife. Do we really think that WSs are just so much worse than us BSs? Really? Or might it be that they got caught up in something they shouldnt have...they made decisions that they shouldnt have. As a friend told me...there but for the grace of God go I. Boundaries, people. We must keep them.

Dangerous grounds, when we can just all decide whenever we want. I am not bashing you here. Really I am not. But this isnt a grey area. Married or divorced. There is no middle ground.

In His arms.

Yes, it is true.

Kandi, I am sorry for threadjacking. I know you are looking for help here. And I am not upset with you (disappointed...yes). That is why I have started another thread about this.

I do hold by what I said above to you. You know this is wrong (you admitted it). You know the signs. You know the process on how to get out of this mess. So, I am here to help you get out of it, if you want. But I cannot help you feel good about what you have done, because it isnt good.

In His arms.

Dru, how can you say it is Over? Even Kandi has flat out said she doesn’t know.

Quotes by MovingForward (just in this thread):


This doesn’t sound like she has her mind made up to me. I really honestly think that if she would break her addiction to the DRAMA, she might be able to make up her mind and move on. I am not saying this to be cruel, it is just the way I see it. She has become a Player, and I wonder when Mr. Wonderful will figure it out. She is USING him – plain and simple.

Kandi,
I was wondering, be honest, when did this new relationship (A) start...May, June, July...or before? How intrenched is it at this point. How painful a withdrawal will this really be if and when you go NC?

Mortarman...Trust me...I know what you are saying!! I do think it's best for people to wait until the divorce is final. That's why I have decided to only have friends until I'm legally divorced!!!! Everyone has to live with their own decisions. It's a tough road for all of us. I do hope we all find peace within ourselves. :-)

((( Kandi ))) I used the wrong word to get my point across - again. So sorry, it is nothing personal. I have been putting both of my feet in my mouth lately, please forgive me.

Misusing boasting - I meant - joyful. And it is understandable that this man would make you feel joyful, after all you have been through - but it is not right.

Like you were telling us all here, like shouting - I am happy, I am happy. But your happiness with this other man is not right. Not right now.

Please forgive me if you took this the wrong way. Which is probably the actual meaning of the word. Sorry, not intended to be hurtful. Not one bit.

Carnation

Kandi
Please give this some thought. The euphoria you feel right now with the attention from this man, if indeed this is the real thing for the future. Do you want this feeling to be overshadowed in the future by guilt and shame, or by the respecting of yourself cause you stood up and did the right thing for you and your kids throughout this whole ordeal. What are your kids going to remember about you throughout this whole thing? What will they say when you are no longer around? What legacy do you what to leave your kids? They already have their fathers infidelity to deal with and kiddos are smart they will figure things out. What would you encourage one of your boys to do if they were in your position? Please think about the future the long haul not the feeling good at the moment.