Pep ~

I hear your fear, and I have experienced some of the same...

What I find is that when my husband says "I want to move to Iceland" and I allow my fear of moving to Iceland control my response (fear of change, fear of abandonment, fear of financial problems)...that my husband suddenly decides that moving to Iceland is an action item.

Sure, he may decide to sell the house and buy plane tickets without telling me.

But I am confident, that if the worst ugly fear that I have comes true, that I can and will take care of myself.

If this fear makes me unable to calmly and confidently hear my husband, then I need to work on me. I need to drag that fear out into daylight and take a good hard look at it.

Just like anger - my fear is my responsiblity.

I keep the conversation light and respectful. I might join in the flight of fancy. I might say, forget Iceland, how about some place warm like Ecuador?! And the next thing ya know, we are having a silly conversation.

Situation defused.

Now, if my husband says "I feel like taking on a second wife"... I'm obviously going to react not so silly.

This is where trust in myself is critical.

If my husband says something like this...I certainly need to see this as a red flag.

I need to trust myself to calmly listen to why my spouse has such a fantasy. I need to take a hard look at myself and my marriage. Have I been meeting my responsiblities to my husband? If I have, is this a character flaw? How am I going to protect myself?

I trust myself to know what choices I have, and what choices I should make.

I must trust myself to know the difference between a flight of fancy (Move to Iceland) or a threat to our marriage (Sex with outsiders), and know that I am capable of coping and surviving.

I am reading and thinking. Interesting thread. My husband *dreams* big dreams (always has) that I'm not always enthusiastic about. Right now it is an Alaskan cruise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BR, you break it down and make it so understandable. I love this about you.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I just realized that I have been dragging something behind me that I should have let go of a long time ago. It's heavy and it's usefulness to me is far out-dated it's expiration date.

Back later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Well, i need to add something...

Trust in myself and my instincts to make the right choices is important.

Even more important is trust in my Higher Power FIRST, to provide me with everything I need (including information about my sneaky husband selling everything and buy tickets to Iceland OR having sex with someone else behind my back!)

I remember when I thought my husband was cheating on me, during our false recovery.

Steve told me to hang in there and Plan A, and that the truth would out.

I asked my higher power to help me - and the next morning, a voicemail was waiting for me on my cell phone, my husband's cell had dialed mine and left me with all the info I needed to prove adultery again.

Is it odd, or is it God?

Since that happened, I have learned to trust, despite my fear, that I will be given what I need, and when that I can make the decisions I need to make.

We were together with a group of friends on Saturday night. One couple owns a furniture store and had just the week before been on an Alaskan Crusie furnished by Spring Air bedding.

In the past my husband has talked about and wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise.

After Saturday night he said to me "did listening to them make you want to go?"

I said "no".... end of discussion and I walked away back to doing whatever I was doing.

I see now I was not that *babe*. I missed that opportunity to listen to his dream, regardless of whether he actually bought the tickets! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Amen. I so agree with this part.

And I do believe that the truth does eventually come to light.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BR, you and I are very much on the same wavelength.

Thanks so much for your input.

Low and Others,

When can you talk about POJA with out the WS getting upset that its all about hurting them?

An Alaskan cruise sounds like a lot of fun. If he decides this important to him, would you be willing to help him make it happen? Could you POJA something affordable?

"Imagine" how much fun it could be...

POJA is not about convincing your spouse why you CAN'T do something they think would be neat.

It's ALL about figuring out how you CAN do it while respecting each other's desires and needs.

Reminds me of a line from a movie...
"Are you a MexiCAN or a MexiCAN'T"

This is truly where I must start....to first let my mind even go there and listen to his dream...

Susan

its not a 'crisis' though is it when a man dreams a dream and wants to share it with his love ?

Understand that most men KNOW impossible or impractical dreams but its nice to roll them around in the mouth and taste them before spitting.

For example - as a kid i always told myself if I made anything of myself I would buy a Ferrari. Squid and I would go on European road trips in it together ! We talked about it often. Squid knew it was a dream not a plan, but heard me out.

I started saving a few pounds every pay day when I could towards it.

Over time i had saved enough to buy an old 308. I decided to save more and get a newer & better model.

Eventually I had enough money to buy my almost DREAM ferrari - a mint 348 gtS.

I test drove it and loved it.... and walked away satisfied I didn;t buy it.
The dream was better than the fact.

I bought a far cheaper little lotus instead, and stuck my savings in our family savings account with a smile.

Wasted? Not at all ! I loved dreaming that dream and sharing it with squid.

Her validation of my dream through listening helped me let go of it once I could actualize it. That make any sense?

I have dreamed MANY silly dreams over the years and y'know what? Some have come true or us.

I always listen and HEAR Squids dreams and hopes. I stpped for a while....no good came of it.

We're not talking exclusively about WS=Icelandic Dreamer/ BS=Dream Flattener, are we?

In our marriage, I've always been the one who tries out new ideas and thinks in possibilities. Most of them are just brain-buzz; I'm thinking out loud, and will rule out most of what I dream. However, I've learned to be reticent about what I'm thinking, because in the past H moved to flatten my ideas almost every time. The very idea of thinking outside the box or contemplating unconventional actions scared him into headmasterly dryness. And I have always found it very difficult to deal with that kind of rejection - I was an emotional sprinter; any resistance slowed me to a stop. So I would be hurt, and then he would react to my reaction with sarcasm and coldness, and I would withdraw. And then he would panic, because he relied on my mental energy to drive us forward. What a mess.

In some ways, I think this was a dynamic that led him to infidelity, and relationships where there was a perverse predictability, and where he could feel in control. I think that his problem came from fear; fear of having to ask himself uncomfortable questions in response to my thoughts, fear that I would run riot and create a mess.

After d-day, I realised that I couldn't do much about his fear, and that letting him flatten me had not helped me at all. So now I keep my dreams to myself until I have the confidence to bear up under attack. That way, I don't react to his reaction. I expect him to be resistant, and I don't take it (too) personally. It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than the old way.

Just a view from the other side.

TogetherAlone

Going to the dump to unload this old stuff I've been dragging behind me.

I used to think it somehow protected me. It possibly did at one time. A long time ago.

One of the items I am dumping ---> the Toyota Tercel AKA "the divorce car" ... I am pushing that puppy off the cliff.

Mr. Pep bought that damn car without talking to me, when he was between jobs ... and I have been carrying that stupid resentment for far too long.

[color:"red"] *dump * crash * [/color]

buh-bye ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I am not married to that same man ... open your eyes Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> LOOK at who he is NOW!

.... gonna go rummage around for more crap to toss out and dump!

I feel lighter already. Discussing "Iceland" isn't nearly as hard without that stupid car on board!

[color:"blue"] I can do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I will be the Babe in the Corvette !!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I sure as heck can't sit around my house drinking coffee in a robe while my husband dreams of being on an Alaskan cruise with a babe!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]next item on the Low Highlights[/color]


[color:"blue"] JL recently talked about the inherent power of our non-resistance to our spouse's expression of feelings.

This one I do understand, thanks to that previous conversation.

I need to practice ... any brillant ideas out there on creative supportive POJA techniques.

Somehow, I suspect that this is part of the MarriageBuilder's Workshop homework assignments.

hmmmmmmm

[/color]

Well Pep, I can tell you one thing I love about my husband...and that is that he challenges my thinking.

I've learned that when he comes up with some crazy idea like moving to Iceland, that rather than respond with my knee jerk fears, preconceptions and negative attitudes (which are like breathing to me!) that I take a pause, step outside of the self-drawn confines of my brain, and consider what he's said.

I kinda think of it as trying on new (risky, wild colorful) clothes to see how they fit.

I don't have to buy them. And if I change my mind, I can bring them back.

But sometimes...there's a pretty good fit. And my life is enriched as a result.

The other thing I do, is ask myself "How important is it?"

What is the worst possible consequence of my husband's fantasy?

Does it harm me? No?

Well then, is it my fear talking?

If it is my fear, then it is my problem. My husband should not be punished for my fear.

[color:"blue"]This will be very useful for me. Thanks. Plus, it's simple ... and right now, simple works for me [/color]

Low

this thread is my

*pick of the week*

thanks