I need to move to plan B. Let's just say that my love bank balance is very low. I'm afraid that if I allow this to continue much longer, it will be overdrawn. I really don't want to lose everything positive that I feel for WW. I need help working on details. Here are some questions I have.

1. I need to talk to a lawyer about what the legal ramifications of kicking WW out would be. I don't have any money to do this right now, but I don't want to hurt my chances for custody later. Should I do this without legal council?

2. Should I wait for plan B until I have a separation agreement ready to go?

3. Would using my mother as an intermediary be a bad idea? There is really no one else I would trust with that, but I don't think WW would be OK with that. She has alienated all of our "good" mutual friends. Anyone she would be comfortable with, I wouldn't.

4. If I can't find a good intermediary, would the bare minimum contact be OK? She comes over, I leave right away without a word?

5. She has no way to get an apartment right now. I am basically pushing her straight into OM's house (ok, trailer). Is this really a good idea?

6. It seems like she is basically waiting for this to happen, almost daring me to make her leave. Should I let her have this as her excuse? "Well, you kicked me out, I had to do what I had to do."

Any help would be much appreciated.

^bump^

Here is my modified plan B letter that had a lot of help from ark on another thread. I am putting it here because all of my plan B posts will be here from now on. This is still very open for constructive criticism:

WW,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have been, and will continue to work on anything about myself that may have contributed to making our marriage an unhappy place for you.

It is with a heavy heart that I write the following lines. While I am willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage and prove my love for you, I can not stand by and watch while everything that was once important to us both is destroyed.

I still want to love you. You have chosen to continue your affair. I have chosen to allow our life together to continue to this point, because I wanted to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. I think I have said and done everything I can.

At this point in my life I have to remove myself from this triangle. Until you can put an end to your relationship with OM and commit to working on our relationship, I think any more contact with you would be harmful to me.

The kids and I will stay here, and you are welcome to come and be with them any time you want. It's just that I will not be here when you do. You can call to set a time when you want to see them, and when you arrive, I will leave. This will be the extent of my contact with you. I understand that finding a place to live will be hard on you right now, and I hate that it has to be this way. Unfortunately, allowing our lives to continue this way is hard on me as well as DD5 and DS4.

Please understand that I still love you very much. I just cannot continue to support your current behavior. I hope and pray that you decide to put an end to you relationship with OM so we can focus on building the marriage we both deserve. I love being your husband and look forward to showing you what that means.

You once said that you loved me because you felt that with me, anything was possible. Anything you dream is possible with or without me. I would just love the opportunity to help in any way that I can. I do not want to be just a chapter in your life. I want to have the lead role. I must do this to preserve the feelings I have for the mother of my children, and my first and only love.

Respectfully,
DKM

Anyone?

DKM, From what I can see you have only been in plan A less than 2 months. Have you done a really good plan A? Have you identified and changed those things in you that hurt your M? I have never done plan B so I don't think I am qualified to comment on the letter part. I could not see in your posts if you have read SAA or Torn Assunder.

I am not switching to plan B right now. I am getting things in place for what I am beginning to see as inevitable. The fog is growing thicker and thicker. I am afraid six months is going to be too long. I think I can hold out about another month if things continue down this path.

I really think that recovery will not be possible if I allow much more of this. I am really starting to question exactly what it is I am fighting for.

I think I have done a very good plan A, I get brief moments of fog-lifting once in a while to keep me on track. I have read SAA. Am going to read Torn Asunder.

Ok, give us a little more about your interactions. How is she with the kids? Does she try to hide the PA from you?

OK. As far as our interactions go, sometimes we have a great time together, like nothing happened. Other times, she gets very distant. She will not sleep in the same bed with me, or touch me at all. She talks about future plans together, but claims to have no hope for us.

The PA is most definitely still going on. She still tries to hide it, but when she disappears for a couple of days at a time, it is pretty hard to do. Things have been going downhill pretty fast for me since the weekend that she just disappeared for four days (see Meltdown Weekend) That has happened two more times since for 2 days each time. I am gradually increase the amount of pain that this causes her through exposure and enforcing my "boundaries" as discussed here.

Her interaction with the kids has not been good. She claims to really miss them, but then neglects them as I pointed out here.

DKM, have you seen an attorney yet? Does your state have legal separation? I am very concerned what is going on here and for your children. What are you doing to protect them? Your sitch is in need of some expert help. I am going to do a call out to Melody Lane and ARK for you.

DKM, I think your first step is to see if she will move out. I agree that you need to go to Plan B just because she is so destructive. So, first steps first. Tell her that her behavior is causing great harm to you and the kids and you need her to move until she quits carrying on her affair.

Before you do that, explain to me what things you have done to end her affair. Have you exposed? Have you told her this is unacceptable?

She took care of a lot of the exposure herself. She told her friend. Her friend told me and her mother. I told my mom and dad and one of my sisters. I tell all of the above everytime she does not come home. OM has no one to expose to.

I am using the strategy that Lemonman and Mortarman came up with in my thread about boundary enforcement. I up the level of "crisis creation" with each occurence. Basically building up to a critical level where I will have no choice but to switch to plan B.

I have isolated the children from this mess as well as I can. They are no longer at home with her during the day. School starts in a few weeks and this will not be an issue anymore. If she wants to pick them up from the babysitter and actually do something with them, I encourage this. She was a very good mom before the depression set in. I want her to remember this.

I know plan B is inevitable, and when I answer the questions at the beginning of this post, I will be doing it. As far as a time frame, I am thinking around Sept 1st if things continue in this direction.

Well, kind of a crappy weekend. Friday night WW went to work, and came home right after. Saturday, she was very wierd all day. I overheard her on the telephone crying and saying "I know, I know, I know". She was fighting with OM. I felt like saying something like "Trouble in Paradise?" but I didn't. I left for a little while. When I came back, she babbled. A lot.

WW: "I can't do this anymore".
ME: "Then stop."
WW: "I have been trying to ignore OM."
ME: "Good. How has that been going?"
WW: "You know, all of this stuff you are doing doesn't make me feel better about us, it only makes me feel worse."
ME: "Stuff?"
WW: "You watch me like a hawk, pay attention to everything I do, you do laundry, take care of the kids, rub my feet...." (hehe, I knew she noticed)
ME: "How does that make you feel worse?"
WW: "Why couldn't you have done that before? None of this would have happened"
ME: "Are you saying I never did any of those things before?"
WW: "Well, no... You did..." silence...
WW: "I don't want to be around you, but I want to see my kids."
ME: "You don't have to be around me to see them."

Well, you've all heard it before. But at least she is noticing. That night, she decided she did not want to go to a family party. I said, I can't make you go, but I think you would have a good time. I will bring the kids home at 11:00P because I have to meet (an old friend I haven't seen in years), will you be here for them? "yes." Are you sure you won't come with us? "yes."

I went to the party, the kids went to my parents for the night. I went home. She was gone. No note, no phone call, nothing. Pushed redial. Last number was OM. I went and had a good time with my old friend. Came home about 3AM. Nothing. Woke up Sunday morning. Nothing. Took the kids swimming all day and to dinner and rented a movie. Nothing.

About 6 this morning she rolls in acting like everything was hunk dorry. I had just woke up and was kind of groggy. Here is the exchange, best as I can remember.

ME: "So that's it then. You're home"
WW: "No"
ME: "Where are you then."
WW: "I just thought I'd come home so you could go to work."
ME: "I'm dropping them of at my mom's in 2 hours"
WW: "Call her and tell her you don't need to"
ME: "I'm not leaving the kids with you when you are out until 6AM. I don't want them to have to fend for themselves all day. They are 4 and 5 years old."
WW: "FINE"
WW: "You deserve someone better than me. You should go get laid."
ME: "You right, I do deserve to be treated better than you are treating me. And I don't want to get laid, I am still married."

She stormed in to our bedroom, grabbed some clothes and said:

WW: "I'm leaving."
ME: "I wish you wouldn't, I would like to talk some more."
WW: "I don't want to sit here and get talked to like a 17 year-old."
ME: "Then maybe you should stop acting like one."

She left. I went back inside. The kids were awake and grumpy. We laid down and my bed and had a gigglefest and we all three went to sleep. I was late for work. But cheered up a lot.

A couple of hours later, she left me a voicemail:
"Listen, I really, really am sorry I just split out like that. I am an [censored]. I don't know what to say. I'll call you later today...." She thought she would go to her dad's (4 hours away), but she is not in a state of mind to drive that far. (She has never driven that far by herself). I think that the first time she has said I'm sorry since the direct aftermath of D-day.

So there was my weekend.

Does it sound like I should go ahead with plan B or give it some more time?

Well, WW never did call yesterday, or last night, or today for that matter. I called OM's cell phone and left this message:

"I don't know if you check these or not. If WW is with you, tell her to give her children and I a call to let us know if she's alive or not. We're kind of worried about her. If she's not with you call and let me know so I can search elsewhere. Either way, I won't answer, someone just leave a voicemail. Thanks."

WW called this morning. We are going to lunch. Will post when I get back. I am going to take a stand. This bullsh!t can not continue.

Well, lunch was odd. I feel like a lot was said but nothing really changed. She basically said that what was going on was not fair to me. I agreed. She basically outlined my plan B. I don't know how to respond.

I told her that my extended family found out about what was going on through one of her friends. Her friend's physical therapist was my cousin. She said "that is so sad about DKM and WW" and proceeded to tell her the whole story. My cousin told her mom, the family gossip, and it spread like wildfire. Does this help or hurt?

I also told her I was planning on taking the kids down to the lake Monday because we have done nothing this summer. I asked if she wanted to go. It could be the last time we all go somewhere together. She started crying. She said that was sad and said she would think about it.

I wanted to give her the plan B letter, but I think I should wait to see if she goes on the trip. What do you all think?

Is she reading here?

No

She said "I don't think it is fair to you for us to be living in the same house. I need to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I don't want the kids to have to leave, but I want to see them (when I'm here your not), etc."

I would be sure to tell her the kids stay at home with you. Hmmm.. you really need to someone to help you with this. Change your title to call out to Mel, ARK or others with plan B experience.