The kids would be at home with me, but if she wanted to come see them I would leave. That is basically what I said in my plan B letter.

How do I change the title??

Go to the first post on the thread and hit edit. It will allow you to edit the title.

Yes, leaving while she visits is fine just don't let her take the kids with her when she moves

So should I tell her that she should move out as long as her affair is going on and she is disappearing for days on end, but then keep plan Aing?

How good has your plan A been? How is your love bank balance? How are the kids holding up?

I would call it very good. Like this exchange from earlier in this thread. If you look through the fog babble, I think she is basically telling me I am doing well plan A wise.

WW: "I can't do this anymore".
ME: "Then stop."
WW: "I have been trying to ignore OM."
ME: "Good. How has that been going?"
WW: "You know, all of this stuff you are doing doesn't make me feel better about us, it only makes me feel worse."
ME: "Stuff?"
WW: "You watch me like a hawk, pay attention to everything I do, you do laundry, take care of the kids, rub my feet...." (hehe, I knew she noticed)
ME: "How does that make you feel worse?"
WW: "Why couldn't you have done that before? None of this would have happened"
ME: "Are you saying I never did any of those things before?"
WW: "Well, no... You did..." silence...


Getting very low. Like "What am I fighting for? I should go straight to plan D" low.


Excellent really. They rarely even ask about her. My son's tantrums have settle down because he is spending lots of days at Grandma's with other kids and actually doing things. As opposed to watching TV while mommy slept or talked on the phone (to OM).

"So should I tell her that she should move out as long as her affair is going on and she is disappearing for days on end, but then keep plan Aing?"

No.

She should not move out if you are still doing a good plan A and want to continue.

I should read up on your sitch, first, before I walk all over your thread. But I can say the general advice from the Plan A/B experts is consistently: Plan A in person. Plan B from afar.

If you are at the end of your Plan A (about 3 or 4 months max for men) then she should move out, you and kids get formal legal and financial protection, and from then on correspond only through an intermediate. Plan B means no more meeting her ENs whatsoever – not even conversation - until she agrees to your terms for M recovery.

Yes it drives her into the arms of OM. It is supposed to. He cannot meet her ENs as well as you. That is the whole point, as hurtful as it is to imagine.

You are in a tough place. I have been there. My FWW moved out the day after D-Day 2. I went into an unofficial Plan B (this was before I found SAA and MB). But, I was pretty dark and I firmed it up even more, after finding MB, with the Plan B letter.

Things have progressed much better than after D-Day 1, six years ago - when I did not have a plan.

The darkness of Plan B affected her immensely. It took almost six months but she finally requested the terms to negotiate recovery. So I resent her the Plan B letter and she agreed to everything.

By then I was not so sure it’s what I wanted. The good people here on MB are helping me decide. But that story can wait.

I have to leave. But read up on Plan B. Do it right and it may succeed. Do it half-a’ed and it will just make things worse.

With prayers,

By legal protection, do you mean a formal separation agreement? I can not think of a good intermediary. See the first part of the thread.

It will be a formal legal separation in some states. In others you can sign the equivalent of a notarized contract. Not all Plan B couples need this level of protection. But it sounds to me like you do.

Bottom line, you do not want to be responsible for her finances - say if she gets in a car accident, while living elsewhere. Or, she and OM run up a huge credit card debit. That happened to my brother and he was held responsible for all the bills in their entirety since they had no legal separation of finances.

Also, you should have in advance a visitation schedule and financial support agreement for the children.

Re intermediator - If all else fails use a local police station to transfer the children during visits. Tell them why you are there - they will agree to help.

With prayers,

DKM, I think you should move to Plan B NOW and not allow her back in the house. Her behavior is destructive and grossly disrespectful to you and the children - and she knows it.

You should never leave your home to accommodate her, she shouldn't come back into the house once you go to Plan B. Letting her back in the house only gives her a home "fix" that allows her to continue the affair longer. I would change the locks now and deliver your Plan B letter to her.[not in person, though]

As far as visitation, I would tell her to set up visitations at your mother's house through your mother.

Melody, Your plan sounds very effective, but not something I can do without talking to a lawyer. I plan on doing that, but for now, I think I will let her move out on her own (if that is what she is really doing), then move to plan B with my mom as the intermediary.

Well, I started plan B yesterday at lunchtime. She had basically said she would leave last Friday, it didn't happen, and knew it wouldn't, so yesterday at lunch, I gave her the letter. We will still be in contact with each other about the children and money, but that is it. I have recieved one phone call so far. This afternoon she called to check if the kids had made it to school all right. (It is DD5's second week of Kindergarten and DS4's second week of all-day preschool.) I said "Yes". She also said she used the check card for $8 at Wal Mart. I said "OK". She said "Is there anything you want to say to me?". I said "No". She was obviously upset. I did not let her draw me into asking why. She said "Allright then, goodbye." I said "goodbye".

I know that a lot of you experts would tell me to go totally dark, but this is just not feasible for me at this time. I will not be drawn into any conversations about anything except money and the kids. That is it. I can do it. It is hard, but I can do it.

It feels really good to not be involved in the daily drama that my life has been since DDay. I see this as a win-win for me. I will not be affected by her swinga anymore. Either she is able to fix whatever is wrong in her self and come back. Or she won't and I will be happy that I am not still with her.

By the way. When I gave her the letter. I had her read it. I said that "everyhting I want to say about us is in that letter. Any further conversation will be about how this will happen." We talked a bit about how she would move out. When she would have access to her belongings. (While I am at work.) How visiting the kids would work. etc...

We gave each other a big long hug and kiss (that was unexpected, first kiss since Dday). She cried and we went our seperate ways.

Well, here I am. Third Day. Feels good and sucks at the same time. Brief phone conversation today. She called. I told her she could pick up her phone at home on her way to work (I won't be there). I told her she could hit the ATM for $250 for food and gas money. We made plans for the kids tomorrow and then she tried to draw me in to a longer conversation. She said she would like it if the kids and I dropped by her work tonight to eat. I said that that probably wouldn't happen. I had to get them home and bathed for school pictures tomorrow. I said "I really need to go now." She said bye, but I could tell she was starting to cry.

Good job, so far. Plan B is very difficult at first, but it gets easier and easier. Also it gets you off the darn rollercoaster, and gives you a sense of peace.

Hang in there, and know that you are doing the very best thing for your children and marriage.

Sounds like your WW is more attached to you (not just your kids) than she'd like to think. This is good, just don't let her pull you out of the plan b darkness. She want's to regain the control and power that you have taken.

Keep it up!

I am kind of easing into the darkness. She is going to make it easier. Last night, she had to close (1AM) and then open (6AM) at work. She asked if she could come and sleep at the house. I said that it would be OK because we would be asleep when she got there and wake up after she left. About 5AM or so, her cell phone rang. It woke me up, but she did not know that. I overheard this part of her conversation:

"Hi baby."
"I know baby."
"blah blah blah baby. work. blah blah blah baby".
"I love you too baby." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It hurt to hear that, but it also helped me firm up my resolve to darken up my plan B. Next time she asks to stay between shifts I will politely refuse.

Should I say anything about what I heard? I think I should if she asks why she can't stay there next time. I could say something like "Overhearing that phone conversation you had the other morning is exactly the reason I cannot have you around me anymore."

What do you all think?

She called today to tell me that she could not pick up the children at school because she would not be off work in time. I said that I would make arrangements. The arrangements are made indefinitely. My sister has a kid at the same school. If WW is not there, she picks them up and they stay with her until I get off work.

She was planning on picking them up, and taking them home. I would find something to do until around bed time. She would leave when I got there. She called about 3:30 this afternoon on her way home from work. I told her that DS5 has a meeting tonight at 6:30 to sign up for Camp Fire Girls. She was exhausted and thought she had the flu or something. She asked if I could take care of them. I said sure. She said she would call later about tomorrow night. I said "ok, goodbye". Am I doing OK?

^^^