How many women knowingly have to turn the other cheek to this? I find it undermines the trust we are trying to rebuild in our marriage, that every time I leave the house or he is off work home, that he is logging into these webcam chat sites. He said he had quit but I just found out and he admitted that he's been doing this all last year when we were working on rebuilding.

I feel I either need to accept it or give him the ultimatum that I will not tolerate it and if it happens again, we are through. Am I over reacting? Would like some input.

You are not required to "accept" things you find unacceptable.

An ultimatum may not be the best way to accomplish it tho'.

He may be addicted to it. Perhaps a boundary could be drawn around the financial aspects of it. Or somehting else.

I am of the opinion that there are different levels of porn. If he was just watching some movie made at some point by some porn star etc, that is different than webcams.

Webcams are there, usually realtime, and you can actually chat with the person (or someone pretending to be that person). Some webcam sites you can actually pay to sleep with that person.

A bit more personal if you ask me no? Almost like having an affair? Sorta.

If you don't like it tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe write it to yourself so you know exactly what to say.

If he doesn't stop for you then it is time to introduce MB's strategies of POJA, EN's, LB's.

What does the abbreviations mean you used? No, he isn't viewing movies, he's viewing live webcams where you can type messages to the girl. He used to do it all the time in the open, and after a while I said no more. Now he has gone behind my back and has claimed to have stopped over a year ago and I found out he hasn't. I think it could be an addiction. Especially when he wants me to be more flashy in my dress.

I like your saying, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is a good description of my feelings towards him. I love him, but he doesn't excite me anymore. I am having low tolerance to have to put up with his going behind my back everytime I am not home.

Kay2004


Porn viewing in secret is not healthy ( found out the hard way) Have him view this thread of mine called affair vs. sexual affair. It may open his eyes. It did mine. Many equate it to adultery if you are Christians..

Bottom line is he shouldnt do things that you wish him not to and he should not direct his desire towards something else..it should be w/ you. Talk about it w/ him.

Don't let it fester and allow you to be taken to a place that you would be willing to disrespect yourself or him because he is viewing porn.

Stop this thing that bothers you now. pornography is a habit of dimishing returns. Talk about it, talk about it some more and talk somemore until he understands. Maybe the equation of an affair will wake him up.

Dont just say "I know your viewing it" STOP IT.

please do:talk about it or go to counseling. I know it needed a spot light for me put it to rest.
porn vs. sexual affair

Before you dismiss how you feel about porn, go spend some time in the GQ forum reading about how SA and porn has ripped apart relationships and destroyed marriages, and in very few cases, has brought anything positive, except for some fleeting pleasures.

You have every right to be upset.

As to "levels" of porn? There may be different starting points, but the destination tends to be the same. disaster for a relationship.

I disagree Jaye, porn can have its place in a marriage.

You're free to disagree.

You also believe that people should live together before marriage to rate eventual "success", even tho statistics are against you. One might be able to assume (given your viewpoint) that porn is part of your marriage, yet you're also posting about sex issues between you and your W.

Show me the part where porn has helped a marriage. Where a man who treats his wife like a receptacle for his seed, and ignores her, has some how "turned it around" by flipping on the latest 300 person gangbang. WHere the guy caught up in his addiction to gambling or banging his secretary all of a sudden say the light when he switched to watching freshman dorm girls "bare it all".

Show me any research that shows porn produces *long term* healthy, vibrant marriages, where the divorce rate and issues of abuse become a thing of the past once a stream of bizarre and certainly not marriage-friendly acts are paraded across the screen.

I won't argue that in the short term, porn is titallating, and may produce a term of sexual frenzy in a marriage, but I doubt it rather lasts, and I suspect tis' really masking the problems, not solving them. The porn has to get more extreme in order to still get arouse...

My H used to view porn while I was away at work and he did it for a long time too. He used to download that stuff into my computer until I started using a little logic with him.

What I did was at first I sat down with him and saw the things he was looking at. I personally found it physically unpleasant, but understanding that men are wired differently for sexual arousal, I tried to figure out why it was so appealing to him. He had a specific fetish that I addressed openly.

After a while, I explained that in essence he is committing adultury in his heart and that even though he hasn't actually committed the act, perhaps at some point, maybe not now, maybe not even soon, it will tempt him to actually do it in the future. Finally I explained that the women and men he was watching lustfully were someonelses daughters and sons. It's hard to get turned on when you think of the actress or actor as being someone elses loved one. Because love never comes up in porn. It's just sex. That was the final straw and he never went back. He threw out his magazines and all the porn just stopped after I said that.

Finally I said to him, would he feel the same if it were his daughter on the screen instead of someonelses?

Just my two cents.

Hi Kay,

I saw you had a question that wasn't answered.


EN- Emotional Needs
LB- Love bank or love buster
POJA- Policy of joint agreement.

You might want to read through the information available on this website. The above refers to some of the concepts of MB and will be frequently used. You may find some good help within the various articles.

Just want to also say I don't feel the level that your H is using porn is ok at all. It's beyond looking at a mag or watching a movie. This is real women in real time with possible interaction. You do not have to accept this.

Symphony