Believe it or not, this is the shortest version I could come up with. If it’s too long to read, that’s OK. I think I wrote it more for me anyway. I’m crying so hard, I’m just exhausted.

I originally went to the Philippines as a missionary to help street kids and gain a new perspective on what it’s like to live in a developing country. I had no intention of meeting anyone and in fact explicitly decided against it so as not to become distracted from my work.

But it didn’t take long before a poor girl in an old tattered dress caught my eye. I felt the hand of God come down and tap me on the shoulder. She was so plain and drab and conservative but my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. This was the girl I had been praying for all of my life. God had taken a man from a big City in North America and a woman from a tiny village at the top of a mountain in the Philippines and put them together.

I began to court her in such a way that was consistent with the provinces of the Philippines. It was like something you would expect from the 1800s. She was so sweet and snubbed me at every turn. But her attraction to me was obvious. I loved her from the very first glance and still do.

Things got very serious. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I even climbed a huge mountain to where her father and machine-gun toting uncles lived so that I could express to them my intentions to court her. They were proud to know me and I was honored to be there with them.

Eventually I ran out of money but had to find a way to be with her. Because of visa complications she could not just return to Canada with me at our convenience. After a year together I went off to Taiwan to work as a teacher while she continued her studies. We maintained a close and romantic email and telephone relationship during that entire year. When my contract expired and I had saved some money, I returned to see my Cinderella (as I always considered her). Six months later we were married and in total bliss. I thanked the Lord every day for the gift he bestowed upon me. It wouldn’t matter where I had to live or how many trials faced us. We were together and I felt complete.

About eight months into our marriage I took her to Korea with me where I had secured another teaching job. We were so happy. She was now wearing beautiful clothes, her hair was styled any way she wanted, and she had become confident and a head turner. We became involved in a local international church where I play the guitar and she sings for the worship service. We decided to begin our long journey of applying for her to immigrate to Canada with me. As we gathered all the forms we needed, we also planned to visit Canada to see if she would actually want to live there some day. We were given a 10% chance of success for a visitor visa but decided to try anyway. Again the Lord blessed us with good fortune. She got it! So in October of last year we headed for Vancouver where my wife bonded beautifully with my family. They love her so much and she them.

We returned to Korea at the end of October and I decided to send her to visit her family in the Philippines the following month. Because of work, I could not accompany her. She emailed me regularly to say how much she missed me and when I picked her up at the airport upon her return I was met with all the hugs and kisses a husband could ever desire.

Shortly after this we sent in out application for her to immigrate to Canada. Since my contract ends in early September of this year, I prayed for quick processing (not usually the case). To my great delight, she was accepted and I announced the good news to all my family and friends. I received countless emails from everyone congratulating us and expressing how everyone can’t wait for us to return. After 5 years in Asia fighting to get my wife home, it was finally going to happen. We bought our tickets for September 6 and proceeded to count down the days.

Three weeks ago my wife got word that her grandmother, who raised her, was dying. She cried inconsolably, choking on every breath and running to the bathroom to vomit. She begged that I allow her to go and see her before she dies. I complied and rushed her off to the Philippines within a day.

Three days later I received a $500 phone bill. She had been making 3-hour phone calls to the Philippines. I called the number believing it to be one of her relatives, but to my horror a man answered and told me he had been her boyfriend for the past six months. I looked through her computer and found pictures of him and love letters dating back 6 months. They had met on the internet. He could not believe she was married and thought I was trying to ruin his relationship with a girl he loved.

I emailed her telling her I knew about everything and begged her to stop seeing him and come home...that I would forgive her and we could work out all that had led to this unbelievable nightmare. She replied that she had indeed been dishonest and that she would never see him or even her family again because of the shame, that she deserved to burn in ******. She said she was so disgusted with herself that she would never come back to me either and that this would be the last I ever hear from her. I found out later she sent that letter from his town.

I immediately flew to the Philippines to meet the boy friend. He actually turned out to be a good man. He broke up with her before I even arrived, telling her to quit all the lying and return to her husband. He promised me that he never had sex with her, but they did kiss and cuddle. Upon meeting his family, I learned that she had told everyone that she had left me two years earlier because I beat her every day. She told them she came to Korea on her own to teach English. She even showed them pictures of my boss, saying that it was hers. She lied about having a university degree, having a black belt in Karate, and even used pictures of my parents to claim she was able to go to Canada through this wonderful couple who sponsored her. She told them I was crazy and would kill her if I ever found her. This was so outrageous I could not believe it! Has she lost her mind? She had been chatting with this guy right in front of me, claiming he was her cousin, hiding behind her native language. All the while telling unspeakable lies about me and claiming she lives on her own. I showed the family pictures taken over the past two years, showing us smiling and holding each other. They knew I was telling the truth and that she was a liar.

The ex boyfriend and his family let me stay in their home. There I learned that she had a previous boyfriend during the last visit (the one just after we came back from Canada) as well. She got very drunk at a party (I have never seen her drink) and had sex with him. She broke up with him right after that.

The ex boyfriend came with me to confront her and expose her to her family. Upon our arrival my wife was completely cold and told us to leave. Her siblings hugged me, crying, and begged me to stay. We told them all what had happened and the ex boyfriend returned home to give us a chance to work things out without distraction. My wife basically told me that she not only doesn’t love me any more, but does not even like me. I tried to poor out my soul and let her know that I obviously haven’t been fulfilling her needs , but will be a better man if she reconsiders what she is doing. Her reply, with a cold sneer was, “you talk too much.”

That night I humiliated myself by crying and begging her not to ruin our lives. I told her she would regret this in the future but it would be too late to do anything about it because her immigration visa will expire on January 1st. After that, even if she wants to start again, it will be too late for her to ever come to Canada. She cuddled with me that night and said she would think about it, but the next day she said there was no chance. She just wants to be independent and not be bothered with any man.

So I told her family that I will continue to send them money each month (they are so poor) because I still love them very much. They cried so hard and expressed that they are so ashamed of what my wife has done to me (in their culture this is very shameful). I told my wife that I would return to Korea to finish my contract and return to the Philippines for a visit on September 3rd. On my final night there she cooked me dinner and we had pleasant conversation. She and her family saw me off at the airport and she hugged me and told me she would miss me.

When I returned to Korea a few days ago, I broke down and called her to ask if she was telling the truth that she would miss me. She said she didn’t want to answer the question. I said that I guess that means no. Her reply was that it was something you say to someone when they go away – very cold again. She then said she just doesn’t want anyone to bother her right now. So I said OK and hung up.

I received an email from the ex-boyfriend the next day saying she is still trying to contact him but that he is ignoring all calls and text messages. He said he admires me for fighting for my wife and promises never to have contact with her again.

So now I spend my time crying and screaming at God for allowing me to believe she was a gift from Him. I have finally accepted what has transpired, but still can’t get myself to give up on her even though I know the odds are heavily stacked against me. I have told my parents we have decided to go to the Philippines to visit her family before coming to Canada. I dread having to come home alone and feel the pity everyone will have for me.

This next month will be agonizing. I’m fighting every urge to contact her and hoping I will have the strength to appear confident and strong when I return in September. Hopefully the ex boyfriend really will ignore her and she can overcome her fantasy addiction while we’re apart. But we just don’t have the luxury of taking our sweet time to hopefully come full circle. In January, if she still doesn’t want to come with me, then it’s over forever, and so is my life.

Two weeks ago I was less than two months away from bringing my beloved wife back to Canada with me to start our new life. Today, I relive every moment of our last year trying to figure out when the truth became as lie – wondering if I ever really knew her. My friends here in Korea think she’s visiting her family until I meet her to go to Canada. My boss thinks she’s sick in the Philippines recovering from hepatitis. I have become a liar as well. Sin breeds sin. God save us from our selves. God just kill me…

What an awful story. Contact a lawyer and free yourself from her. You sound like a wonderful man and deserve to be with a wonderful woman. She is sick and manipulating and has put your health at great risk. Move on and find someone that deserves you. She is totally toxic to you.

I know you mean well with your advice and I thank you for it. But I can’t just contact a lawyer and rid myself of her. I know I contributed to this. I read the love busters and found myself to be guilty of many. I constantly called her immature and scolded her for not going about things as I would. I made so many mistakes that ultimately caused her to hate me and feel trapped here in Korea with me. She depended on my for everything including income and I had it so she had to ask permission every time she needed money. I didn’t even realize what an [censored] I had become. It built in her for a long time before she finally made her escape. I’m not saying she is justified in any of her actions. She definitely went way over the top. I just think she suppressed so much while in Korea and now the volcano has erupted into hate. Believe me, she was not like this in our first year. She has changed completely.

I know I sound like an idiot, but I love her more than life, even though she has hurt me more than anyone ever has. I’m Christian and the thought of being divorced kills me. If there is even a remote chance for us to survive this, than I have to take it. I have to go to my grave believing I gave it my best. I have to become a better man. My original story is only my side of it. I know I made her feel small. I just wish I could have th4e chance to try one more time.

SadMike,

Your story is indeed heartbreaking and is complicated by many factors. I have no advice for you as far as what you should do. As a Christian, you know you should pray and accept God's will for you in whatever happens.

If you guys do work it out, I think MC is a MUST in your situation. My H A had little to do with love busters and although I'm sure they may have contributed to your wife's A, I'm sure there are other factors as well.

My H grew up in a single parent home, in a poor, drug infested neighborhood. Because of football, he was able to get out and get a full ride to college. Today 8 years after graduating, he is a VP at a large company and by all accounts very successful. Right after our 2nd child, he began his A with one of his employees? How could this happen? He was living his dream (like your wife maybe). But in MC we both came to understand that the success, led to pressure from me and society as a whole to conform to a certain image. He became focused on the wrong things to live up to this image and that focus away from God led to his A.

Looking back on it, I can see how stressed he seemed as the sole bread winner now for 3 people, a promotion to VP, and working in an industry that glorifies money and power. He simply didn't know how to handle it all. It was all so different from what he ever knew in life. He didn't know how to be a bread winner, how to be a dad (none in his life) or how to be a husband (parents weren't married). He had to learn everything as he went and the pressure and stress, led to an A with someone who was a mid-Western farm girl also living her dream of success in the big city.

Your wife probably had NO idea how to deal with her new life. She probably didn't know what was expected or how to do a lot of things a missonary's wife does. She probably sought an escape in someone familiar to her, her old life.

Often I've seen my H A as ungratefulness to God for the blessings he's given him. It would be easy to see the same with your wife. But through MC I was able to realize that his A wasn't about that at all, and it wasn't about me either. It was about him and all the pressure and all the issues in his life.

He is truly sorry and is able to see where he went wrong. If you feel the same about your wife, then try to make it work. Your love for her is touching.

Do NOT have her return however if she isn't sorry and wants to work on this, hasn't cut off contact with OM and doesn't agree to MC and certain "boundries" to prevent another A.

I wish you well and hope my story may have shed some light for you.

God bless,
2

Thanks so much for that insightful reply.

My W was so conservative when I met her. She loved more than anything that I was a Christian. She always hated the idea of going to nightclubs and hanging out on the boulevard. If I put my arm around her in public she feared people might think she was “that kind of girl.” Her style of clothes was classy and becoming.

After coming to Korea and being around “rich” people and seeing nice cars, jewelry and designer clothing shops, everything changed. She wanted highlights in her hair, tight jeans and tight fitting shirts. She began to lie to others that she was more educated and was rich in cultural capital.

She made huge efforts to become the type of person she always said she couldn’t stand. Perhaps she always wanted to experience this kind of life, but denied it because it was unattainable at the time.

But she still had a hard time convincing people in Korea that she was “high status type”. They simply don’t believe that about Filipinos in this country. Returning to the Philippines from abroad, however, made her an instant celebrity. When I asked her why she had to lie to everyone about who she was, she replied that “I just needed to feel the power”. The fact that she took everything about my identity and made it hers speaks volumes.

How could she feel the “power” while with me? I have more education, travel experience, earning potential, experience, etc. than her. How could she feel like a celebrity while standing in my shadow? It was easier to take my identity (something familiar) and make it her own. People loved her in the Philippines and in the chat rooms while she had my identity. Don’t get me wrong. My identity is hardly anything to boast about. Being an English teacher in Korea with a BA is pretty modest by Western standards. But in a developing country it is huge.

If only she would come back to Canada with me and give it another shot, she might see that, like my family, people would love her for who she really is. When she’s evil she’s definitely evil. But I have also seen the other side and when she’s loving, she’s an angel from heaven.

Thanks Godhelpme2.Yur post really is full of wisdom.

God bless.

Mike,

You are doing the right things NOW. You have exposed her relationship and lies to the people whom she loves (and whose diapproval will rightly embarass and shame her), you have shown her that you still care for her and that you intend to take her back were she to show you true remorse.

Mike, what do you plan on doing/saying when you see her again?

Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B?

I know plan A'ing will be difficult with her being in another country. The only advice I can offer you is to do your best to meet her needs while you are with her in Sept. But this means NO PRESSURE from you. You will have to behave towards her with quiet dignity and grace, letting her know that you love her and will take her back. But you are NOT to be treated as a doormat, and you cannot beg and beseech. This will be one of the hardest things for you to do, I am afraid, because you have a set date when you will need to return to Canada (with or without her) and you may feel desperate and stressed. This is normal, Mike, but you have to remember that your cajoling and crying only pushes her more away. She will need to see that you are strong and reslient, while still desiring to give your marriage a chance.

After a time, IF she is unwilling to give up her lifestyle choices, etc, THEN it will be time for Plan B, where you tell her that you love her and desperatley want to make your marriage work, but that you can't condone her life choices, and thus you must distance yourself from her (NO CONTACT!). Plan B is designed to protect you and your feelings from this chaos, preserve the love you have for her, and allow her to see the consequences of her choices (living without you and your daily love, etc, being one of them).

Will you be able to stay in contact with us on the board when you go to the Phillipines, so we can advise you more as your situation progresses?

God gives us all personal choice, Mike, and it seems that your WW has chosen to exercise hers in a way that would bring Him great saddness. He would NEVER condone her behaviour. He loves both she & you, but what is happening now is her own choice and our Lord isn't prone to interfering with that. She may need to feel the heat of the consequences of her choices before this is all over -- but know that her choices are not the Lords. He is grieving with you now.

I know you know this, and are hurting now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

slh

Thank you, SLH, for your caring and supportive response. I’m praying that this next month apart from each other may actually serve as a plan B of sorts. We have a mutual Filipina friend here in Korea who asked me for my wife’s number so she could call her to say she misses her. This friend understands that acting as my advocate would do more harm than good and has expressed that she will not try to persuade her in any way.

That said, our friend strongly wants to see us together again and has been a tremendous source of support to me. She told me that my wife sounds extremely depressed when she talks to her on the phone. That she presents as tired, confused, and directionless. When asked whether my W plans to stay in the Philippines or go to Canada, my wife let out a huge sigh and replied, “I just don’t know.” Believe it or not, this response actually cheers me up a little. It’s better than a flat out “no.” It doesn’t sound as if my wife is in a mental frame to be flirting around, and I’m certain that the guy she was with is actually hoping we will get back together, so I don’t think there is a chance of her seeing him again. He’s actually a very good guy who was lied to all along.

As for me, I’ve decided to use this next four weeks to build my mental, spiritual, and physical strength. I am a boxer training for a prize fight of which my rival is force to be reckoned with. I am jogging every single day, doing pushups and sit-ups whenever I feel my emotions becoming intense (which means several times a day), and talking to God almost constantly. The people at work have already commented that I have slimmed down and look very healthy over the past two weeks (they think my wife is sick in the Philippines). I have cut out junk food and am double dosing the multi vitamins.

I’m hoping to arrive in the Philippines feeling strong, healthy, and confident. I will do my best to be the man that my wife fell in love with the first time. I will not spend all my time with her, but rather make a vacation out of the visit. She is welcome to join me and whoever else I choose to take along on outings, but I will not beg her to come along if she chooses not to. I will try and act as if I’m meeting her for the first time and attempting to court her. I will mentally prepare myself for this for the next month. God willing, I will be able to maintain my composure without losing my cool during my stay.

I will try to report in to this site while I’m in the Philippines, but will probably not have the opportunity to do it as often as I can now. I’m so grateful for the feedback everyone has given me thus far and hope that in the future when I am stronger I will be able to return the gesture to others. For now, however, I’ll continue to lean on others because I’m just so incredibly sensitive and vulnerable (not feeling to macho right now).

I’ll report in as my mood swings.

Thanks again for caring. It really makes a difference to me.

Mike

Your WW not saying "no" is a good thing -- a very good thing. It means that your road on Plan A shouldn't be nearly as hard as if she were already stomping her feet and insisting that she is done with you.




Mike, it sounds like you have the perfect plan down pat! Formulating your "attack plan" is a big step to giving you more control over your sitch, and feeling stronger, huh? You've got a very clear goal and you will be working towards it! With determination and the Lord's guidance, You can do this.

I don't know how you feel about Anti-depressants, but they may be something to consider. The next few weeks will be grueling! Of course, it is immensely helpful that you are eating right and exercising (just don't overdo it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Don't hesitate to check in whenever you need to -- we are all ballasts for eachother in this.

Prayers,

slh

Thanks again, SLH, for your encouragement. You have really contributed to my ability to deal with all of this. I was having a strong moment when I posted last, and it’s a good thing because my mom called me from Canada shortly after. I had told her that WW was in the Phils visiting her family and that I will meet her there next month before we both return to Canada. My plan was to maintain this story until/unless I hade to return to Canada alone.

My mom asked if I missed WW (still believing all is well). “I guess you want your wife back, eh,” she asked. “We all can’t wait to see the two of you again and finally have Christmas together.”

Well, this just made my heart sink. “Mom, she left me,” I said calmly and softly. I told her the whole story including my plans and what I hope to achieve. I directed her to this sight to gain better insight into Plan A, LBs, etc.

She listened intently and supported everything I said. She asked me to think very carefully about whether I wand WW back or just my marriage at any cost. She said that spending this month alone will be a good chance for me to think about my own needs and reminded me that the choice to keep our marriage is just as much mine as my wife’s. “Mom,” I continued, “If we can make it through this, will you ever be able to love her after what she did to me?’’ Her reply was that she will always hate WW’s actions, but her love for me is so strong that she will have no trouble loving her if I do.” Then my mom offered to write an email to both of us (as she often has in the past) just reminding us of how much she loves and misses us and looks forward to seeing us when we return from the Philippines.

When I got off the phone I cried. Not because I was lonely or because my wife has hurt me so deeply, but because I never realized how blessed I am to have such a beautiful and loving mother. Why couldn’t my wife be as wonderful as my father’s is…

But today I woke up bitter and angry. Yes, I want the woman I married back. But this stupid b**ch I have been crying over isn’t her. Today I just want to twist her pretty little head off her shoulders and slam it down into the concrete. Why would I want someone like her in my life? She has hurt me more than any enemy I have ever had has. She is the biggest liar I have ever met. She is the most selfish and self centered person I have ever known. Go ahead and stay in the Philippines. Spend the rest of your life on squat toilets and sleeping on bamboo slabs. Your makeup and perfume will soon run dry. Your designer jeans and knitted shirts will soon fade. The highlights in your hair will grow out in no time. Your dollar a day income will have your ribs showing within months. Soon you will be a peasant again. No longer a visitor from abroad, your celebrity status will erode into that of a has-been. Maybe you can meet a toothless rice farmer and enjoy the rest of your life wondering how you lost the chance to be a respectable working provider for your siblings. Wondering where you might be now if you hadn’t abandoned a man who loved you and trusted you and was always willing to improve himself to make you happy. You ridiculously stupid fool. You sacrifice a future of love, respect and ultimate potential for the short term pleasures of a new romance. Today I hate you!

I read your story and, Cried.
When my H of over 12 yrs.had a brief affair, wich resulted in a child from it. I felt the same way!
THe best adice I can give you is to pray,have others pray too, and put it in God's very capable hands!
Yes, marriage builders also helped, read Dr. Hareley's books, and everything on this site.
I also read Power of a Praying Wife/ and it's work book, and there is a Power of a Praying Husband.
Remember God is always with you!

Mike, just remember that the woman doing these things IS NOT YOUR WIFE. She is an addict, caught in the throes of an addiction. She will do and say things to maintain that addiction (her pleasure) at all costs right now. I think everyone has known someone gripped by an addiction -- how they can and will lie and cheat and steal in order to get there "need" met instantly or as soon as possible. They are not thinking beyond their next fix.

She CAN return to the woman you loved and married, but it takes time and perseverence.

I'm not excusing her behavior, by any stretch, just trying to explain it so you can better understand why she is making such poor choices.

You sound like you are hurting so terribley now. Your posts bring tears to my eyes and a heaviness in my heart. Your pain speaks for so many of us.

Anger and bitterness is normal, but do try really hard not to let it feed too much on your Resentment of your WW right now, or it will erode your determination to complete Plan A.

Be strong, Mike, for yourself and your marriage. You can do this.



slh

Thank you both for your loving support. I’m moved that you have empathized with me so deeply. I guess I’m just going through a new phase of severe mood swings. It’s hard to believe this is happening.

I’m just so frustrated because we are in two different countries right now. I still have four weeks until I see her again. For all I know she is seeking another guy right now, or has somehow coaxed the last guy to see her again. It’s hard to have a plan A when you are completely separated from each other with no contact. Half of me believes I should not contact her at all while we are still apart. Just give her complete space and time to get over the OM and to realize what life without me is like – gambling that she’s actually on her own. The other half of me wants to at least email a poem or a note once in a while to say hello and express that I hope she is happy – show her I still love her. But she already knows I love her. It’s not my love that’s in question. And she won’t respond anyway. Should I bite the bullet and not contact her at all or should I send an email card a couple of times during the month? She knows I’m coming back in a month so maybe this is enough…maybe I should refrain from any contact. I wish I could see what she’s doing while we’re apart.

I’m so angry with her yet I miss the smell of her hair and the feel of her body against me at night. Where is the woman who once told me she would actually defy God if he ever told her to leave me? Oh, where is my little Filipina…Ohhh honey, you really broke my heart…you wanted the power, well you got it…you made a grown man cry himself to sleep.

I guess I just need to vent and this thread helps me to do it. I know I can’t communicate these thoughts to her…the one person I always thought I could break down in front of if it ever came to that.

I will try not to let my anger get the best of me, but sometimes it serves as a substitute for the constant despair that plagues my soul.

I will continue to pray to God and ask him for strength, courage and the ability to play my cards right.

Sorry to ramble…Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m starting to wonder if my mother was right and that my desire to keep my marriage is stronger than my love for my wife.

I sure wish things could be back to the way they were when we first got married. But the truth is that was only two and a half years ago. She has been scheming behind my back for almost half of that time.

I’m starting to believe that she really isn’t capable of love. Love for her is all about how she herself feels. When we first got married things were exciting for her. Passion was high and all was new. When the newness and mystery wore off, she felt that she was no longer in love. She started looking for that feeling again with other people on the internet. When she found it, she thought she was in love again. But even the other guy she supposedly loved only knew the lies she told him.

I updated our bankbooks and can see that she spent over $1000 in the first two weeks of being in the Philippines. That’s about 10 months of her family’s salary. That’s a lot to spend even in Canada. One of the things she said angered her about me was that I don’t spend enough on her poor family (legitimate concern). But she shared none of the money she spent on her family. And yesterday her little sister sent me an email saying my W has borrowed from them and now they are short on funds – this is the money I gave them for school and food. She is angry because I don’t spend enough on them, but she is not willing to contribute at all.

Do I really want such a selfish person as my wife? I’m wondering if I ever really knew her at all. Perhaps everything about us has been a lie. Every picture is tainted because I don’t know if the smiles and hugs were real or just an act. Every memory feels corrupt.

When I see her in three weeks I’m not sure if I will have any fight left in me for a plan A. Yes, my heart is still madly in love with her, but my mind is full of disgust. Trust and communication have always been the most important of my needs. But now I know the communication has all been a lie and the trust is non existent. I have no respect for my wife and I’m afraid that going through plan A may result in a loss of respect for myself as well.

She has scarred my soul to the point that I feel I will be crushed if I can’t win her back, yet I will always be suspicious and wondering if she’s not in love with me if I can. Either way I lose.

Somebody please comment. I just need ….I don’t even know.

(((((((((SADMIKE))))))))))

I don't know what to say, but you sound like you need a hug.

AVNL