My H told me two weeks ago he'd met someone and was leaving me to be with her. I had no idea he was unhappy, or that anything was going on. I convinced him to stay for now and he agreed to marriage counseling because he believes the way he went about it was wrong. He says he loves me, just not as much as her. I know from this site that for marriage counseling to work, he must let go of the OW completely but he won't send her the "Dear Jane" letter. He says he's trying to make up his mind which one of us he wants. I believe he's had little contact with her in the last two weeks but I know he still communicates occasionally. I also know that he's in "withdrawal from an addiction," but I can't get him to see that and it's not coming out in the counseling sessions. In fact, the sessions pretty much just have us talking to each other (which we do anyway), but when I bring up the need to let the OW go, the counselor just says my H has a right to his feelings that he can't let her go. I almost feel like C is approving of their continued relationship, so I can't get H to see the other side, and as long as he keeps stringing both of us along, he's never going to be able to make a decision! I know it's early yet, but I'm in a state of limbo wondering if I'm going to "win the prize" and be able to eat, breathe, and concentrate on work again. How long is long enough to wait for the answer I want to hear? How can I convince him he needs to cut all contact with her if he wants to get out of the withdrawal phase and be able to function again himself? FYI: Married 16 years, no children, and even he will admit he has no idea how this obssessive "love" came to be because we have had an incredibly strong, healthy, happy, respectful, trusting marriage. How can I get him to understand that this is just a crazy addiction that he can break free from?

Thanks for listening.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. First get rid of the counselor. There are so many bad ones out there. You need one that specializes in infidelity.

In the meantime, stick with us. Keep reading everything on this site. It will really help you. It is very miserable at first, but things get better.

Weekends are slow, so you might want to jump over to general questions.

I agree with believer...poor MC. Find someone that does work with infidelity.
My H and I attend MC and the C never really got to the "point". We talked just as we talked at home.
Remember too, YOU are "the prize". Keep up with plan A, but don't take yourself down. This is "his" issue.
Things do get better. The "fog" of his addiction will eventually lift, hopefully before he loses everything.
holiday

Thanks, Believer and Holiday. It helps to know there are others out there who understand and empathize. I'm beginning to wonder if he hasn't, on a subconscious level, already made up his mind to stay. I'm afraid I may be reading too much into things and I certainly don't want to get too sure of myself, but he keeps suggesting we do things like take the dog to the park and pack a picnic lunch (today--it was great!), and he continues to make comments about future events, like what we'll do for Christmas this year or how he needs to paint the fence in the fall. This is coming from the guy who just three weeks ago was taking an apartment so he could have children with the OW!

I think a big part of our problem now is that OW is a relative (his first cousin) whose mom and sister are all for their relationship, and have essentially told him he'll lose his entire family if he doesn't make good on his promise to take care of spinster cousin. That's a heavy-duty extra issue we wouldn't have to deal with if OW was just some tartlet from work. He promised to pay off her $60,000 debt, too, so I'm sure they're looking for his money as much as his you-know-what! Anyway, I feel like he may be coming to his senses about what leaving would entail, but how to tell the family unit? Not my problem, I know, but I am concerned he may end up choosing her over me regardless of what he WANTS to do, because he doesn't want to lose his whole family over this. Why couldn't he have thought of this before?

You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works.

I realize my last post does not address any of your immediate questions. Trust me on this, you need to step back a little and get a longer-term perspective. Whatever happens in between, their relationship will not last. You need to start with that in mind.