I did not think that my WW has done anything since I found out about her "dating" last summer. I have tried to give her time to come to me and tell me what happened. I have plan A'd. I have gotten myself in good physical shape, I have gotten my business in great shape and improved my life drastically. I have been nice to her but avoided "I love you's" and any sense of need.

She just sits in the "ice cave" and waits for me to tell her that I forgive her and nothing will ever be mentioned about her relationship. I started to feel a little bit badly about giving her an ultimatum in two weeks but something has changed.

She has been acting differently the last two weeks. However, it is nothing like the signs from before. All of her time has been accounted for until recently when she leaves our children at home alone to run errands to Wal-mart and such. This all appeared harmless and did not take much time.

The problem is this. When she was "dating", she purchased two sets of very sexy underwear from Victoria's Secret. After we got back together for a good year, but before I found out about her escapades, she never put this underwear on. It just stayed in her drawer. Two days ago, one pair was in the dirty clothes. I was obvious that she wore two different pair of underwear that day. She did take the kids to the pool so I figured she put them on when she came back and changed.

Now the weird part. It greatly caught my eye that these had been worn. She washed them and put them on the dryer to dry. Tonight, we are going to friend's for a cookout. She does not have these on. However, they are nowhere in the house. They are not in the laundry room, they are not in the underwear drawer and they are not in the dirty clothes. Where are they?

I think that it is good that we are coming to a resolution because something is very strange. Is there a logical reason that I am overlooking? Please let me know.

Wow. The case of the disappearing underware.

I am wondering why she wore them both in one day, after not wearing them for a year.

I suppose you can't ask her.

BobSmiley,

Tell her your concerns and ask her. If she goes off on you, bad sign. If she has a "fishy" excuse, bad sign. But if you don't ask, it will eat at you.

I have thought about it and I do not think that I am going to confront right now. I think that I am going to keep my eyes and ears open for a little while to see what is going on. I also want to see if they show back up, when they show back up and what kind of shape they are in. This might give me some valuable information.

I have not been in this mode for a while but it looks like time for it again. It is good because we were rapidly approaching a crossroads anyway. In a way, she may be making a very difficult decision easier for me.

There may be a very logical explanation as she is acting nothing like she did when she was "dating". She knows that I am on the edge and that her time may be numbered. She has actually been very nice lately. This just does not fit in with everything else but I am also not going to bury my head in the sand. I will post more as things develop.

Yes. I agree. Keep your eyes and ears open....

Well if I were you I would just use a semen detection kit on those pairs of underwear. Such as checkmate. http://www.getcheckmate.com/

And if you can get a gps tracking thing for the car.

Maybe you could buy her a few pairs. (Gosh, honey. I noticed yours were missing...) Have you ever asked her to wear the VS stuff for you? Maybe it's something she'd like for YOU to like.

It does sound ominous.

NL and GG have good ideas. The problem though is the 'ice queen' is still not treating you in a proper manner. You do not feel safe in your R.

While you have uncovered what maybe 'symptoms' causing you to fear a d/d again, you should deal with her 'ice' like issues. This is a prime time to comfront it but with a plan.

Care to discuss plan B options?

L.

Orchid, I do not know if Plan B is right now or not. I welcome your thoughts and advice. I do not know if you know my story or not but I will briefly summarize.

My WW and I had two very bad years. Mainly personality conflicts and things that you would think could be fixed. I suspected A but no proof. We went on a weeklong vacation and reconciled. After that we had a fairly good year but some marriage-long issures still existed that were being worked on.

Next I received a call from my WW's best friend's husband. Told me that he and the wife were Ding and that he needed to tell me something. Told me that my WW came to his house and spent the weekend with the main OM that I suspected. Told me that his WW and mine had also gone out on another girls night out a couple of months before that and had gone to a guy's house for a party and that my WW hooked up with a guy and his WW started having an A with another one of the guys.

I confronted the WW and she lied. The guy provided me more details and names to call to verify what he told me. Confronted WW again and she admited only as to what I had proof. Said he did everything but no sex. Will not discuss it anymore and I have no more proof.

I requested that she take polygraph or I was filing for D. She agreed but then would not discuss. I confronted again and she said that she would not do it unless I agreed to MC so I agreed. The MC started immediately on the fact that a polygraph was out of the question and that we needed to work on the M. We did but I could not get over the unanswered questions. He met with me separately to discuss my feelings and what had happened. After I told him, he agreed that an A had probably taken place and that we needed to clear the air. If I needed the polygraph then he said it might be a healing tool. Also because the WW told him that I lied all of the time and hid things from her. I had also agreed to take one.

After this, she did not go back to MC. I have been nice for a year to give her a chance to come clean so that we can start the R. She will not. She sits back in her room and basically lets me know that sex and a life is waiting on me if I will just drop the subject and never bring it back up. I cannot do that. It will always be the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

My birthday is in two weeks. On that day, I am going to tell her to come clean or prove her innocence( any way that she chooses). If she will not then I cannot stay in the M and will move on.

Am I a candidate for Plan B or what do you suggest? I will await your thoughts and advice.

Just a quick thought. It is pretty clear from the evidence that your wife engaged in sexual activities with another man or men. The fact that she still refuses to tell you the truth and refuses to be honest with you makes recovery impossible. I sense that you are willing to forgive her and work on recovery but she refuses to really be in the marriage until you forget it and drop the subject. It is clear that she is still disrespecting you by not being honest. With such an attitude why would you ever wish to remain with such a selfish and dishonest person?

Bryanp, you hit the nail on the head and I agree with you completely. Why would I want to stay married to a person like that. It will hit the fan in two weeks. My MC told me that if she does not take responsibility then any future recovery is doomed. It will just repeat itself the next time that she gets unhappy and there is no doubt that she will get unhappy.

I know that people say that some WS's will just D rather than admit so you should not give the ultimatum. If keeping the secret is more important than the M then I do not want her.

She does not want to take the polygraph even though she has done nothing wrong. Even though I have told her that her relationships will not be mentioned if she passes. Even if she sat with them and discussed how to raise my children when I am gone, they will still not be mentioned again. Even though she says that I am a liar who hides things and this is her biggest problem with me and I have agreed to take one also and answers any questions that she has. GUESS WHY!!!

If you have any suggestions then let me know. I appreciate your response.

Well I would do the semen tests on the the items in question.

Bob,

I hate to say it, but it might be time to do some snooping. Find the underware, check and see if you can varify if she has had contact with the OM again. It could be similar to my wife and she may have made contact through a friend. Keep your eyes and ears open, that's all you can do.

Still, be open to the fact that it could be nothing, but like always prepare for the possibility that it's started back up. My bet is that it hasn't, but you need to make sure.

We both know that the only way through recovery is for our spouses to open back up to us, but if it doesn't happen, at least we will know we tried.

GTO