I have had an epiphany of sorts on BS fog – yes I am quite slow on the uptake.

What I plan on doing with this information I don’t know but at least I am aware. Not only is my WH in an addicted relationship BUT I AM TOO. Yes that is why I keep dragging on in this pain.

This summer has helped me realize this addiction. Last summer I was on the roller coaster of despair and denial trying to grasp onto what I thought was my husband. I pleaded, I begged, I left, I got angry, I confronted, I plan A’ed (I thought) more like became a door mat.

Now I am not that raw. I have become desensitized to my situation. Sure I have my moments of despair but it more manageable. I recently found out that the ow moved into our (gutted out!!!) investment property where my wh spends half of his time. I pay the utilities bills – angry maybe a little I just feel like I have a big DUMB A$$ tattoo on my forehead. I digress back to by epiphany.

I am additcted to my husband. I get a little contact, a little help around the house or with the kids, SF and I am good for 3 to 4 days before I start getting the “shakes”. What do I do with this new awareness I have three options.

1) Remain the same – Continue the hope that he will come back to me in full or get used to sharing him. (I know after this wacko there will probably be others).
2) Plan B –(I know the one you all are gung ho on). That means confronting my addiction and going cold turkey. I still have issues (addiction) with this but it is in the front running.
3) Divorce – I can keep my contact/addiction. I can move on hopefully. Repair the damage to my babies. Get out of this mess.

Something is going to have to give soon. Though it is not crack – we are both in this sick addiction trying to live a normal life and it is not working. I am living in a half remodeled houses a ¾ acre yard that is all mud, he lives in a gutted out investment property with a wacko and he is destroying that yard too.

I want a normal life, a normal home and the strength inside to accomplish all of this.

Thanks for listening.

I hear ya tdr. I know the feeling. But the main difference between our addiction and thiers is that we also made a promise to be with that person for the rest of our days. I'm not going to tell you which action to take, b/c I am still trying to figure that one out myself. But I am definitely leaning toward plan B. If it is time, go to B. You can't skip B and go straight to D. Otherwise your A was wasted time. That's how I see it. Good luck.

DKM

You may be right. You have to go to B no matter what or all is wasted.

OK

I don't want to plan b -- but I guess except for the letter that he won't read I am practically living it. We saw him last week for one morning and I haven't heard from him since and I have not initiated any contact.

I sat in my daughters pre K class this morning and the teacher was reading about dads. I had to hold back the tears -- "I hope your dad gives you a hug and kiss at night and if he is not living with you can talk to him on the phone" No my wh does neither he is unavailable.

OK Plan B -- He knows about it -- he doesn't want to be Plan B'd. I know I have waited too long -- when I read over what a couple needs to do to recover and I don't want to do it. I don't even think he is worth it and I don't even know if it is possible -- he has an addiction problem.

Help me sort my thoughts please.

TDR

I've just entered Plan B. Or I've delivered the official letter but had no response. I think we just have to be strong for our kids. My WH has minimal contact with our kids. My boys are older and have their own cellphones and still, their dad rarely calls them. DD11 doesn't even want to speak to him. It's like he's Plan B-ed us. When dads act like this, we just have to be there for the kids.

If you feel like you've done all you can or want to do for this marriage, then maybe you need to think about getting out. Even if you and WH are in reality DOING Plan B, sending out the official letter, gives you a lot of peace of mind.

Our timelines for separation are almost the same. We seem to be coming to the same point in our thinking.

Thank you Grape -- I have read some of your posts and was almost glad there was someone else out there with my same timeline.

Strong -- I am trying. It is not even that my kids ask for him that much -- I just know how it should be and it is not.

I remember a post a long time ago where a lady was instructed by Steve H to write a plan b letter and she had started to hate her WH so much she couldn't even say that she loved him. She could only muster up saying I care for you very much. I am not at that point -- I guess because I am still not angry (go figure) but I don't even know if he is worth it - sure I love him but I don't think I miss him.

Ok Yes I know I am all over the place. Plan A, B, Divorce. I guess I just wish someone would do an intervention of my life. Hold my hand and say this is what you need to do financially, this is what you need to do with the remodeling projects and yard projects he started and has not finished, he is having an affair he is not worth the Plan B effort Divorce him or Plan B his [censored], this is how you handle the kids in either situation.

Now to the Child Support Question:

I actually had a pretty good week. WH actually showed up on Saturday and we had a little family time. Things went back to normal (which is not really normal). And I let my guard down and let him back into my heart deeper. Well that being said, I in my brain know that this will not work maybe some people can stay married while the other spouse has a mistress on the side but it just does not sit well with me. Well things went bad very quickly yesterday. I brought up splitting our assets which then went to child support. He does not want to put anything through the court system -- it is fine if we have paper work between each other but he does not want to be held by the legal/court system. I tried to explain that I needed something because relationships change through the years. He said have I ever gone back on my word --I said Well yes. "That (affair) does not have anything to do with this situation." Then he leaves because OW is having some crisis at his business --she is a drama queen and I am in a emotional upheaval again. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading and any input. Any intervention is welcome.

tdr

Go through the legal/court system. I never in a million years thought that my husband would never go back on his word to take care of the bills and money for the kids and myself etc. Then when the A got hot and heavy, I started getting notices that my bills were behind, first one month, then two, then three, our phone got cut off then they were threatening to foreclose on our home. When I confronted my WH about this he said he was paying the bills...I guess they were just getting lost in the mail. Yeah right, so I am going through the legal system to protect myself and our kids b/c he is so into his A that nothing and I do mean nothing else matters...JMHO

Thank you Lashell

I am a ca and I just want everything to go smoothly but every fiber in my being says don't do it his way.

Let me know if I can help you in anyway. It must be really hard to be in Plan B with the lot you have. Is your WH involved with the kids?

Tdr

Regardless of what happens you need to make sure yu take care of your children and the safety of your home etc...it has to go through the court system regardless of whether he wants it to or not. My take on this is that he doesn't really want a Div. and if you put it throught the court system it will be the end to something. It would force him to make a choice that he doesn't want to make. Forget the agreement between you...you would be giving him all of the control of your life and he will use it like a Drug addict to keep his A going. You obviously love your husband I gather from reading your other posts. Secureing your finances, safety of your family and home in no way says that you have to give up. It just means that you are doing what you have to to protect the family. If you can get him to come home and commit to his family the whole Court/Legal thing can be changed but for now, you need to provide safety and security where he can't/won't. Go to the court house and file the paperwork for child support during seperation. There is nothing you should feel guilty about with that.

R.

Thank you seeking. You are right but boy my heart sunk thinking about filing.

tdr

I am sure it did...it is a strong message that you will send and it is a huge step for you. But remember it doesn't have to be permanent. It can all go away whe he is ready to commit to your marriage. Stay strong TDR we are here for you.

I'm not sure where you're from but where I'm from you don't have to go through the courts. You can go through a mediator who is a neutral third party that can help you decide what's fair. You can go to lawyers, separate or the same, and have them write up a separation agreement. Or you can go to court. The court thing scares me b/c once it is in the courts hands, it is totally out of yours and you will have no say on the outcome. At least if lawyers battle it out you will both get something of what you want and it will be a law binding document that if not followed WILL be upheld in court.

If you do try and come up with an agreement outside of lawyers, take it to a lawyer IN ANY CASE. You might think that everything's fair and good, but a lawyer can do their job and tell you yay or nay. Would you take prescription drugs from someone other than your doctor?

Plus, where I'm from, you need to be separated for a year in order to get a D. So get the separation agreement to cover everyone's butts and then see where it goes.

Not at all! That why I said I never thought in a million yaers that he would do this let alone to his innocent children. I am making it with the support of friends, my and WH family. Thanks! From here there is only one way to go and that is up.