During an aurgument with my wife, I turned to see my step daughter with a knife. I asked her intentions, her reply was, "I'm going to use it". I stepped forward and struggled to remove the knife. I did, but the teenager was yelling "get out of my house". I left, and came right back to discuss with my wife why she allowed this. Tempers were high, and she said, "Were tired of your verbal abuse". Thus siding with her daughter and her actions. I believe that this is a matter that should be addressed, but how do we all get help, w/o further caos. Tensions are high. [color:"yellow"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

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You have learned first hand the damage verbal abuse can do!

Call a family meeting and promise to put an end to your verbal abuse. Get your step daughter a water pistol and tell her she can squirt you when and if you forget. Get yourself a copy of Patricia Evans book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" so you have a good understanding of what language you should not be using.

The water pistol will empower your teen and the "playfullness" of it might help everyone "lighten-up" on the matter. I used this technique and it worked for me.

Another idea is to put some money (a predetermined amount) in a jar everytime you verbally abuse your wife or teen. The teen gets to keep the money. You'll see how tolerant she suddenly becomes!

I do understand the destuctive nature of verbal abuse. although, heated discussions with my wife, does not constitute pulling a knife. I thought words don't kill people. Is it that I really don't get it? I like the idea of the water pistol, it should be used for everyone too. The core is, the step daughter did cross the line and my wife dosen't let her know that it was wrong. The escalation of these actions could be fatel. True, action on my part is needed ASAP, but shouldn't the child be talked to or disciplined for this too?

You are the STEP father. It is the mother's roll to "parent" while your roll is to be a GRACIOUS HOST to this child. You may not agree with how and when your wife chooses to parent this child but you have ABSOLUTELY no say in the matter.

You have the right to your own feelings. You may disagree with your wife--you may even choose to discuss her parenting methodology with her. However, it is essential that you do it respectfully and curteously and, most importantly, not in front of the children. The final decisions must rest with your wife. In the end you must be accepting and pleasant about how she chooses to parent.

It is also wise that she lets her daughter know in very specific terms that her final decisions in regards to punishment (as in being grounded etc.) are hers and hers alone. It is also best for everyone concerned if you are not nearby when your wife confronts her daughter with regards to any inappropriate behavior or transgression.

You are right to fear that the "escalation of these actions could be fatal." That is why you must tread softly and bury your big stick.

Consider this: How traumatized must your teen have been to be driven to pick up that knife? I suspect that she feels that her mother, whom she loves dearly, has been victimized and she (your teen) feels powerless to change the situation. You may not see it that way, but like you, your teen is entitled to her own feelings.

If, in a heated argument, you threaten to leave you wife over this in front of your teen, you have reinforced her knife behavior. She will think, "Good, get him out of the house. He is not good for my mother." She may try it again the next time she percieves that you are hurting her mother. She will think, "It almost worked last time. I will try it again and maybe he WILL LEAVE this time.

It is your wife I empathize most with here. There are two people she loves and wants to protect--you and her dear child. She feels guilty that by bringing you into her family she may have damaged this girl. She thinks, "Now I have a knife weilding teen! What family dynamics have I allowed or fostered that have caused such dangerous and maladaptive behavior in this once perfect child?"

I am a mother and wife. I have never been part of a blended family myself, but two of my sisters and many of my friends have. I learn these things from them. Personally I have been through alot in my own life and in my marriage. I lost a child to a lethal disease.

Now I have a teenager and let me tell you, it is not easy. Science has only recently proven how their brains work in strange and mysterious yet "organically normal" ways.

But I have always had my own theory. Nature needs to make sure that children all leave the nest--that they have what it takes to go out into the world and conquer it. If teens shared our normal adult fears and concerns, they would hide in their rooms and never come out to become the successful adults of tomorrow. Their tommorrow is a future we will never know and I, strangely enough, find great comfort in this.

We constantly work on "Respect" in my family. You say that they are "Just words" but over time a small drip can erode more effectivly, can do more damage than a flood.

Disrespectful language has become pervasive in our modern culture. There is verbal abuse in our households that covers the spectrum from angry outbursts to belittling humor. In fact very often it is done in humor, like in our favorite sit-coms. The kids even have a name for it--they call it "Dissing." You have probably heard of inner city gangs killing each other over it, as in "I shot him because he disrespected me."

In our house we use "Respect ME" cards -- index cards with the words "Respect me" on them. If someone feels disrespected by another family member, they hand the disrespectful person a card. Once a family member gets a card they must say "I"M SORRY" and NOTHING ELSE. Then they hug the card giver.

Feeling disrespected is a perception. The person using the abusive language usually feels justified or they feel the other family member is "too sensitive" or has no sense of humor. That is all irrelevant. The idea is that if someone feels hurt then the disrespect is REAL.

When we feel disrespected, we often hold in the hurt time and time again, only to have it build up and explode out in angry outbursts.

Recently, while my husband and I were in the middle of a heated argument, my two children began handing respect cards to my husband and I left and right on our behalf. We kept arguing but we had to hug each other and apologize over and over again. It didn't take long for the argument to run out of steam and we started to laugh. This wasn't part of the original program--the original rules of using the cards. However, we came to realize how much our angry arguments bothered our 17 and 9 year old children.

I am telling you all this so you realize that what happened in your house happens in all houses so you can go on accepting, loving and caring for the people with whom you have chosen to spend your life.

I truly believe that if you absolve yourself from the work and responsibility of raising of your wife's children you will find an inner peace for yourself and your household will be a happier, healthier place. Your wife will be grateful and treat you ever more kindly.

And, oh ya--one more thing. Take your wife out on a romantic date once a week or at least twice a month. You plan it--suprise her. It doesn't have to cost alot of money--it can be a walk in the woods. Trust me on this one! She may never argue with you again! And you teen--she will respect you for making her mother happy.

Good luck and enjoy the ride!

Parenting a stepchild is something that needs to be negotiated between parents. But unless the birth parent has made it clear that your help is expected and wanted, and your authority is made clear to the child, and your W backs you up (and the two of you agree on parenting styles and theories in the first place), you should probably just leave the issue alone.


However it sounds like parenting questions are the least of your concerns, I think you have bigger fish to fry.

I don't think it's possible for us to tell what's going on here when we only have access to your perspective.

On the one hand it might be that the girl pulled an unnecessary stunt.

On the other, she may have been acting on what she perceived as a real threat where physical defense was necessary. From what details you've posted, it sounds to me like this is probably what's going on.

There is no "solution" to this problem that doesn't involve major changes in YOUR behavior.

Pull a knife on me & I'm gonna drop you in a heartbeat.

the teenager was yelling "get out of my house".
What does she mean by "my house"?
You married her mom & moved in?

Pieta,
You may not agree with how and when your wife chooses to parent this child but you have ABSOLUTELY no say in the matter.
I beg to differ, but you are COMPLETELY wrong.
I agree the final word lies with the mother, but (especially when the daughter is pulling a knife), the step dad should have some say in the parenting.
The mom & stepdad need to be a united couple in raisgin this child (regardless of who the "real"parent is) and agree on what their respective roles are.

It is also best for everyone concerned if you are not nearby when your wife confronts her daughter with regards to any inappropriate behavior or transgression.
So she should never be disiplined in front of ANYONE, ANYTIME, even the stepfather (who should be more involved than anyone (except the mother)?[sarcasm mode on]
There ya' go. The daughter's family was already destroyed by her parents, who chose to break up the family, for whatever reasons.
Continue to "help" her along by showing that a husband and wife should not be a united force in raising (even a step) child.
[sarcasm mode off]
As a step parent, you made a choice to get involved with the family, ALL of the family.
If this is not what you (as the step parent) or you (as the real parent) do not want to happen, then don't get involved.
Get your step daughter a water pistol and tell her she can squirt you when and if you forget.
???
Puh-leaze...

TO: CHRIS
RE: “Pull a knife on me & I'm gonna drop you in a heartbeat.”

Hmmm—now let see—what would be the best thing to do if a teen grabs a kitchen knife and says, “Get out of my house!”?????

Should we…
A: Wrestle her to the floor and try to take the knife away
B: Leave.

Congratulations! You picked “A”
Silly me—I was certain “B” was the correct answer.

I am not an authority. I was just using what I thought was good ‘ol all-American common sense.

Sooo…I e-mailed my brother-in-law. He is a State Police Officer with a Masters degree in Criminal Psychology.

The right answer, he says, IS TO LEAVE SO NO ONE GETS HURT.

I am a librarian who has bought and read almost every parenting book in print over the past 30 years for a “Parents Resource Center”. In fact that's how I happed upon this MB site.

I am not a step parent, but based on my readings and the step parenting decisions I’ve seen family and friends make over the years, I must say I stand firm in my opinion of step parents.

No child needs four parents. Remember there are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses.

A stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and positive.

Disasters like knife-wielding teens can result whenever we try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily.

Step parents must recognize the hard fact that the children are not theirs and they never will be. Step parents, are not replacement parents. Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are sacred words and feelings to their children.

While step parents are “a step removed” they can be in a position to play a significant role in the development of the child.

The best roll a step parent can have in the development of a child is to be the best spouse possible by following the tenets of MB. This endows the child with a harmonious, loving environment in which to flourish.

Unfortunately, however, things that would be problematic in a natural family such as a husband verbally abusing wife and children, become profoundly more damaging to children in a blended family. This is especially true if the children have already been emotionally traumatized by the natural parents’ bad marriage, divorce and courting behaviors. And too often parents bring other partners into the household too soon!

To me this is really all just common sense and if you cannot comprehend this on some innate level—all I can say is, I sincerely hope you do not step parent. If you do, send me your address and I’ll mail some water pistols to your step children because they just may need them!

While step parents are “a step removed” they can be in a position to play a significant role in the development of the child.
That was my point. To me, you seemed to be saying that the step parent should simply roll over and leave EVERYHTHING to the real parent.

Step parents must recognize the hard fact that the children are not theirs and they never will be. Step parents, are not replacement parents.
So NO one else except the real parent can/should have any authority over a child?

Wouldn't you expect someone to control your child at a friends house if they were being a pain?
You would not say/do anything to your childs friend at your house who is being a pain?

Also, just because it was an arguement, does not mean it was necessarily "verbal abuse".

To Pieta,
About the teen expressing herself. I have no problem with, and yet encourage opinions. Had she spoke her mind, or even got on the phone and dialed 911 if there was any hitting or threats, would have been O.K.. Ask your Brother-in-law if he turns and runs when he is confronted. I don't think so. I'll tell you why I did't turn and walk away. It is staight from your quote. She will think, "It almost worked last time. I will try it again and maybe he WILL LEAVE this time". Actions like this need authority, even if I was to be cut, it would show the teen who is in charge. In my case, she dosen't have 4 parents. Her biological dad dosen't come around too often, maybe 3 times a year. I have been the male roll in the house since she was 8. I'm not trying to take the roll of her father, but I am being a male roll model. I do not strike/hit in an yelling match. My wife has the final say in any of her disapline, therefore the teen knows she can push me, with her mom on her side. My wife doesn't even allow me to be present when the punishment is given. This is a problem too, because I feel I at least should be present so the teen will recognize me as authority figure.

To Chris,
I don't know why she said "my house", since I purchased the house just after our marriage. The house is also in my name only. (the wifes debt to income brought down the #'s)
I have done my best to make every member in the house feel like it is there home. That is why I find it odd also that she said "my house" instead of 'the house'. I did have to restrain myself from taking total defensive actions. I didn't hurt or hit her in the struggle. If it was a teenage boy, it may have been more harsh. She on the other hand kept coming at me swinging and pushing, while yelling to "get out of my house". The problem also is because the wife dosen't correct her in front of me. I ask my wife, "she owes me an apology" , she said no. So the problem is with the wife who over time has created a teenager that dosen't respect authority. My wife said to me, " If I were you, I would hide your guns" which I did.
It's like I'm being tag-teamed by them.

[You are the STEP father. It is the mother's roll to "parent" while your roll is to be a GRACIOUS HOST to this child.]

This is the craziest thing I have ever read LOL.

You are the stepfather - stepFATHER. Any woman who thinks my role would only be as a "gracious host" under my roof is in for a disappointment. Especially if the kid pulls a knife. You did good by not smacking her to high heaven for doing that. I would have. Pulling a knife is a big no no that you need to nip in the butt immediately. Make is 100% clear that she will never, ever do that to anyone again.

Frankly parenting is something you should have seriously discussed with your wife BEFORE getting married.

Women with kids = extra baggage like this that needs to be dealt with before you even consider marrying her.

Because you are not just marrying her, but her kid too, and all the .... that comes with a step child.

What I would do right now is have a serious sit down with your wife and let her know what she feels your roles should be and then bring up what you feel your roles should be and why.

If your wife is damant about not letting you discipline then let your wife know that should her daughter do that again she will have to find another place to live because you will not live in a dangerous environment like this.

Hmm, your post is interesting. You completely fail to acknowledge your very serious part of the problem (yes, anyone wielding a knife is also a very serious part of the problem).

But you make it clear that you think severe verbal abuse is fine, and that you think it's acceptable to hit in some circumstances. Once again, there is no solution to this mess that does not involve radically cleaning up YOUR behavior along with other measures.

On the matter of verbal abuse:
Jpush wrote in his first post:

“Tempers were high, and she (his wife) said, ‘We're tired of your verbal abuse’. Thus siding with her daughter and her actions.”

Chris, this does not sound like a harmless argument to me.

My parents were two kind, loving and very proper educated people who would not argue in front of their children. I NEVER once heard them argue when I was growing up. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I think children feel anxious when their parents disagree, resulting in tension and uneasiness within the family.

But I also think my parents’ protectionistic view might have underestimated their children’s resiliency. Children and teens deal with disagreements all the time. Perhaps watching my parents argue and resolve such issues could have taught me a lesson about how to deal with the real world.

Assuming that parents know how to talk and resolve common disagreements, I suspect that it might be okay to go ahead and argue in front of your children.

So let’s assume for the sake of discussion that parental arguments can be great learning opportunities for children, teaching them that people who love each other can disagree passionately about some issue, and yet eventually come to some resolution.

As your teen's most important teacher, you can be a role model for teaching her about listening, respecting, and resolving differences. But was this the kind of argument that caused a teen to go get a knife?

Let’s get back to the wife’s perception that her husband’s verbal abuse was responsible for her child’s behavior. Could this kind of reaction from a teen occur after only one argument? Or did many “Bad” disagreements that included name-calling, disrespect, intransigence, and animosity contribute to the teen’s response?

Don’t fight in front of the children if you and your spouse don’t know how to talk with each other in a courteous manner and compromising attitude.

Sounds like jpush wants to blame his wife’s parenting for the teen’s behavior and the wife wants to blame the step father’s verbal abuse. The teen is so distressed she picked up a knife! What a dysfunctional mess this is!

Jpush could have just left the house for a few hours when he realized his teen was so distressed that she had picked up a kitchen knife. He writes this to justify his action of taking the knife away—something that could have put this child’s life at risk: “Actions like this need authority, even if I was to be cut, it would show the teen who is in charge.”

I think this says it all about the kind of home this poor child has had to grow up in! Until the parents can get help or work out their difference, the best place for this child would be boarding school.

Oh, I also have something to say to the class act of a step dad who wrote: "...Because you are not just marrying her, but her kid too"
icky -- icky -- icky!!!!!!!
I disagree with all you wrote but the "marrying the kid" statement really turns my stomach! I do hope that wasn't a Freudian slip!

But you make it clear that you think severe verbal abuse is fine, and that you think it's acceptable to hit in some circumstances. Once again, there is no solution to this mess that does not involve radically cleaning up YOUR behavior along with other measures

A couple of things.

1. Pulling a knife on someone is only justified if you or a loved one's life is in danger. Other than that there is no justification, verbal abuse or no, why someone should do that. That needs to be nipped in the butt as I said previously.

2. IF you are verbially abusing your wife that needs to stop. There are much better ways to get your point across than to yell or degrade. Those are LBers and if you care about your marriage. It is very, very very rare that I yell.

On the matter of verbal abuse:
Jpush wrote in his first post:

“Tempers were high, and she (his wife) said, ‘We're tired of your verbal abuse’. Thus siding with her daughter and her actions.”

Chris, this does not sound like a harmless argument to me.
Simply because she said, “We're tired of your verbal abuse”, you assume it IS abuse?
If it was abuse, yes it needs to stop. But again, an argument (even a loud one) does not mean it is verbal abuse simply because one person says so.

My parents were two kind, loving and very proper educated people who would not argue in front of their children. I NEVER once heard them argue when I was growing up.
Never? Hmmm? They may have never yelled around you in an argument but yes, they did have disagreements and probably took them to another room /later time when you weren’t around. But to say “NEVER” is probably putting your head in the sand.

I guess it depends on what the term “argument” means? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
People can disagree without “arguing” as such.

As your teen's most important teacher, you can be a role model for teaching her about listening, respecting, and resolving differences. But was this the kind of argument that caused a teen to go get a knife?
And you want her to get a gun instead. Okay, you only mentioned a squirt gun, but what if that doesn’t work? Why not a real gun? After all, she already has pulled a knife…

Let’s get back to the wife’s perception that her husband’s verbal abuse was responsible for her child’s behavior.
This assumes it actually was “verbal abuse”. Again, just because she said it, does not make it so.

Oh, I also have something to say to the class act of a step dad who wrote: "...Because you are not just marrying her, but her kid too"
icky -- icky -- icky!!!!!!!
I disagree with all you wrote but the "marrying the kid" statement really turns my stomach! I do hope that wasn't a Freudian slip!
Uh, he was probably referring to the fact that when you marry someone with children, you ALSO get those children in your life, just as you also get the ex spouse in your life, like it or not.

I don't think that severe verbal abuse is fine. The fact that my wife stated that I was verbaly abusive is her opinion also. I wrote in the forum what was said. I did fail to write my side of the story or paint a better picture for everyone to follow, I appoligize. First off, if you think that cursing is being verbaly abusive, than I am guilty. I do not degrade to get my point accross. I have never or will never stike anyone in this family during an argument. I will disapline the smaller childeren, sometimes with a spanking. But in the heat of battle, NEVER. I'm 40 yrs. old and too have lost a child, 2 1/2 yrs old. This alone will push a person to lose it. I have maintained in situations that most people only read about. With that said, I'll let everyone know how the argument started. I was getting ready to leave for work. My wife and her daughter and our almost 4 yr old were watching TV. I noticed unprepaired food let out on the island. I ask, "Is the sausage spoiled or did someone forget to put it away". The answer from my wife was " Ja---- will put it away". (Ja---- = daughter) I got into the shower, shaved, and dressed for work. When I came back out, the sausage was still on the island. My wife was now sleeping on the sofa, and the kids were still watching TV. In the past, my wife dosen't like or let me ask of Ja---- of anything because she dosen't respond very well to anyone telling her what to do. So I awake my wife quitely by leaning over to her face and saying "the sausage is still out". Only because I know, and she knows, that if Ja---- dosen't get up and do what she was ask of , when it was ask of her, it dosen't get done. Sure, I could have put it away myself and none of this would ever have happened. But I didn't. My wife awakes angry and says "ja---- Jeff needs something to ****** about so you better put the sausage away so he'll shut up". By the way my name is Jeff. I then started to defend myself by explaining that I wasn't bitching, but only pointing out to her that it wasn't done yet, she was sleeping, and I was leaving for work. Point again, if the teenager dosen't do as she was ask of at that point in time, she slides out of it. She then made a reference to me being like her step dad. She knows I don't like this because she has related him to being a control freak. I'm just trying to have some order with in the house, not make everone into puppets. At this time we were yelling at each other. I made a comment about her having another beer. She will have a beer or two a couple of times a month. She was not drunk, nor have been drinking. Her actions were that of a drunk person. She stood up and grabbed the can of pop she was drinking and pulled back as if she was going to throw it at me. I cringed and twisted my body to prepare for the impact. She has not hit me with any objects in the past. But she has thrown them and missed. It was at that time I saw the teenager off of my right rear quarter with the knife. Pieta, this wasn't a 'kitchen knife' as you have wrote. Until now, I have not said what type of knife it was. It was an 11" butcher knife, the kind that's only in the movies. Yes, it is a knife used in the kitchen, but Pieta, don't try to sugar coat the situation. In my mind, this has turned into a life threating matter. I can't read anyones mind, and we weren't laughing and playing a game. This is the moment when ask Ja---- what her intentions were. With that said, I hope it may clear up some visions that may have been false. Her act did not warrant "watching her mothers back".
There was no threats or acts of violance prior to my wife jumping up and winding back to throw a can of pop at me. Ja---- was already behind me when that happened. My wife and I do not promote violant acts. We both have control to act or not. I will say for the record, I have not hit or thrown any object at my wife or kids. I don't have a real problem with her throwing things at me. It has only happened a couple of times in 9 yrs., she is the female. With all that said. I work every day not to raise my voice to the family. My buttons can get pushed, but I am a veteran of 40 yrs wise, and still learning. The problem that I see is, my wife did not tell the teenager to drop the knife, nor has she told her how wrong it was in my presents. My wife told me she spoke with her about the ordeal, and said that the only reason Ja---- didn't try to stab me was that she knew she would get in trouble. I wish there was a video, because from my end, that blade was swinging in my direction. I now have put the Ja---- in a differnt light. We are two bulls in the same pen, even though she hasn't done anything agressive or nasty, I don't want to give her a ride in a rain storm if she had to walk. THIS ALONE is against my morals and is tearing me up. I believe you are wrong, Pieta, if I had been a part of the disipline, or better yet, a part of the decision factors. Ja---- would have not seen me a outsider. I am just waiting for her to turn 18 and move out. This SUCKS, I'm a better man that that, and I know she will not fall off of the edge of the earth at 18. We have talked about counseling, we are both educated people. I with a degree in engineering and my wife in organizational leadership. Pieta, I don't think you really have a clue on mixed families with alot of baggage. We try every day to make it better, if not, then why are we even on this planet! The teenager did a wrong and life threatening thing, and as I see it, is going to 'get away with murder'.

I'm not arguing that point with you, I think Ja---- definitely needs some work. But it's still ultimately the birth parents responsibility to integrate (or not) the step parent into the parenting process.

And it's something that you and your W need to reach consensus on first, with your W laying it out for her daughter and the two of you having agreed on the style and manner in which you will parent, and then her backing you up.

Those are all things that take place before you can intervene with yoru stepdaughter.

Be that as it may, I'll be frank, I don't think your W is handling the situation very well. And you may want to consider filing a complaint as it may help you and your W and your daughter get forced into getting the help that it appears they need. At a minimum, see if you can get everybody into some family therapy to work out the dynamics of how the family is going to function.

ANd as you say, the other option is to just tough it out until she's out of the house. There is some validity to that as well.