Dear Fellow BS,

Like every BS, you want your WS to make a decision and choose between you and the OP -- but you must never forget that the WS HAS made a decision.

The WS has made the decision that they want both the security of marriage AND the fun and excitement of dating.

They are not trying to "choose" between you and the OP.

They have decided that they want to have BOTH and they will hold out for BOTH just as long as they possibly can.

If they didn't want both, they would have moved out and moved on long ago -- or never gotten involved with OP in the first place.

This is what every WS does. They aren't "confused" and they aren't "trying to decide" between the OP and the BS.

They have decided that they, special case that they are, are entitled to have BOTH. And they believe they are therefore justified in using any means necessary to have BOTH -- lies, bullying, threats, whatever -- so that's what they do.

Sound familiar?

I think that many, many BS fall for the idea that the poor WS is "confused" and trying to "choose between two people". They're not. They HAVE decided. They want BOTH. THAT is their decision.

Never forget this.
Mulan

Well said. The only choice for them is whether or not they can change their mind and will give up that lifestyle that they have already decided on. Our choice as betrayed spouses is how long we give them to make that decision.

Mulan,

A little OT...How are you doing?

I remember you having a very hard time with your serial WH...

Have you made any peace with him, be it reconciliation or Divorce?

Things like this, when left in neutral, can cause a lot of animosity to build with the BS.

Any definitive updates?

Scott

I can agree with most of this.

However, the WS may not believe that real changes can occur in the marriage and wants to be sure about trying to reconcile, especially in the beginning. This is what Steve Harley told me.

If you've been in Plan A for several months and things are going well then I can agree with your statement.

Why in my case was it different,My FWH had a two month A with a co-w.Sex 5 times.As soon as i found out it was over.No questions ask.As of right now my H hates this OW.
I don't see how some people let themselves be hurt over and over again.
#1mom

I agree with you Mulan. Although some WS's may be waiting for real changes in the marriage, I think a lot of them are happily enjoying themselves.

In may case WH continued telling me how miserable he was, and how conflicted, that he loved me, blah, blah, blah. When I mentioned this to his sis, she split a gut laughing. She said for someone so miserable he was sure having a great time, weekend trips, going to Hawaii with OW, wining and dining her, and blowing our money.

The one thing I disagree with the Harleys about is the length of Plan A. A lot of time, a long Plan A just gives the WS time to firm up the relationship with the affair partner.

I think each BS needs to carefully examine their marriage. If there were tons of problems, those need to be addressed. If the marriage was the standard fairly good one, and the main problem is the OP, then a short Plan A is needed, followed by a sudden and dark Plan B.

WHnowBS,
I am working full-time, saving money, becoming more and more detached, and preparing to live on my own once DS17 is out of school.

I just turned in novel #9 to my publisher (finally!) and am looking forward to seeing it released in February of next year. I'm also spending some time with my daughter and her family in California and am enjoying a very good relationship with DS17. He and I are going to see *Revenge of the Sith* this weekend because I, *Star Wars* fan that I am, have not seen it yet -- I had to use the weekends to finish the novel. My lovely horse has recovered from her laminitis and I will be putting her back into training (I do it myself) as soon as the hot weather breaks. All of this keeps me going in between bouts of PTSD.

Thanks for asking. By the way, seeing your name on the post really threw me for a loop and perhaps is a reason why folks should *not* use their real names on this board!

Numberonemom,
Your WS was obviously not a fence-sitter, and for that I am glad. I was talking about the hard-core, long-term fence-sitters and cake-eaters that we so often see described on this board. I'm glad that did not happen to you.

Mulan

Sometimes the problem can be two-fold. I think I'm a perfect example of that. I guess I might be a fence-sitting BS. I'm having trouble following through with my plans after WW breaks the boundaries I set or just doesn't do anything. Instead of following through, I whine, yell and lecture, none of which has gotten me anywhere.

I've been advised by both SH and my counselor that maybe I should take a break for a while. No LB's, no marriage talk, no affair talk, just let things play out. Steve did advise that if the opportunity became available I should try to get my wife to agree to a plan for recovery, but to be careful how and when I bring this topic up.

So here I am, BS, sitting way up on my fence and neither side looks very appealing. I know I will have to jump sometime, I've stuck my foot into the marriage side and each time felt like I got bit or it was awefully cold, but the other side just seems so dark.

Good to hear that you are moving forward in a positive direction...these things take time.

Once DS is out of school, time to put that nightmare behind you...I take it DS graduates this summer?

I don't think I have ever alluded to where on the "Big Blue Marble" that I live, but yours is advice well-taken...just in case.

It really doesn't matter now...STBXW and I are waiting for 11 Oct to file and then 2 months after than, the majority of my ordeal will be over.

WNB

I am curious now...why did it throw you for a loop?

Do we know each other, but only you know who I am

Stupid curiosity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

WNB

No, we do not know each other - let's just say you have a *very* familiar name. But that's not your fault!
Mulan

Sorry about that...guess it would be easier if we all had singularly unique names...

I know what you mean...when i see the name of OM#1, it still ticks my BP up a notch or two...I suppose that will fade with time.

Again...hope you are doing well and making progress toward a REAL and HAPPY resolution to your ordeal...be it reconciliation or D.

Best wishes,

Formerly S****
Now back to WNB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />