I just need some support today...FWH returned from business trip earlier this week. I feel as though I have been setback to DDAY all over again.

Background: Works for major auto supplier, one of his companies suppliers while on an Asian business trip paid for a hooker to come to his hotel room as lovely little 'perk'. He was drunk he says and did not say 'no'.
No wonder cars cost so much.

Well, he deflected travel since DDAY and others went to Asia but of course he had to go back for 2 weeks....same place, same hotel, same company. He did not drink while there (he says) he called me every night, he is remorseful and we are in IC and MC.
He has said he will go to his superiors and tell them no more travel - find another job, switch postitions, whatever he has to do. I stayed as busy as possible while he was gone but was still a basketcase, just going thru the motions. I'm a pathetic mess.

I do not want him to get fired, that is not my intention, although he has been very unhappy in this job for awhile, it may be the best thing for him???

How can I ever feel secure again if he does travel ?? Does it just take time?
He has always travelled on and off so it is more than likeley inevitable....
Why do I hate this company he works for where this crap is so accepted?
Why has he been so loyal to this company?

I feel like our progress we have made since DDAY
is gone. Last night I asked that we sit down and go over our EN's again and make sure we are both satisfied. I feel as though we are falling back into same patterns as before.
He fell asleep from jet lag...

My biggest question:
Why wasn't his love for me enough to say 'NO' ??????

tlsmi,

Wanted to respond as I have some first hand experience with the actions your husband took while away from home on a business trip. I was the one that wandered while on a business trip. My wife and I had been married for 10 years at that time. It happened about 15 years ago and was a ONS.
I remember the battle that went on in my head, the rationalizations that it was ok and no one would ever know. My relationship with my wife was strained at the time but not to the point of us splitting up. I talked myself into having sex with another woman hoping it would make me feel better. The fact that I loved my wife had nothing to do with this decision. For me sex is much more about the emotional intimacy between me and my wife than the physical part. The intense pleasure of the two of us being together, alone and totally attentive to each other is the reason I want SF with my wife. This experience provided none of these benifits. Unfortunately, my actions caused a great deal of pain for myself and my wife. I did not realize at the time that the fact that "no one would know" was a very hollow assumption. The fact that I knew was the only thing that mattered and it tortured me constantly. The instant that I allowed myself to do this I knew it was wrong and that I would never be taking this road again. It took all of 1 week after returning home and I had to confess to my wife. Today, my pain regarding this is at most times a faint memory, but if I really think about it, I can feel the pain as if it were yesterday. Today I can say that this is the one and only time that I broke my marriage vows, that this experience has taught me a great lesson that I will never have to be taught again.

exagilent
Thank you for your reply. A glimmer of hope.
I needed that today.

My H has said what you have written. He has
WRITTEN what you have written in a heartfelt
letter to me when he had to go away on this trip.

It is just at this point it is hard for me to believe in anything anymore.

He did not confess. I confronted him with evidence
and he lied and denied for 3 full days right to my face.
Guess I should feel lucky, some WS's lie for years!


Thank you for your response.

tlsmi - If I may ask, how did you find out about the company-sponsored prostitute while WH was in Asia?

(Gotta love your sense of humor, though - "no wonder cars cost so much." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
Mulan

Mulan,
If it were not for my humor I would be in jail now for slitting his throat.

Well, I calmy asked all the questions I had
about that night and he answered them. The president
of this company took H and 2 other married men co-workers
on the last evening there in Shanghai to a "karaoke" bar-
yeah right- and the girls sat there and etc...
then on the cab ride to hotel the CEO says "if your interested we can arrange a visit to your room when we get back"

H says he at first said "no" then thought about it and well, what the heck ??? Might as well.
So he did.

Did the other husbands accept? H says he does not know
(I don't believe this for a second)

******, I can't control what HE does much less other spouses !!!!!


In my research since DDAY I have found this is very commmon over there.
My MC lovingly told me H could get a hooker here in Michigan - true -he certainly can if he wanted to.
This trip was just a HUGE trigger for me for obvious reasons.

I have to go throw up now.

What was the situation surrounding the 1st A?

If my H cheated on me again I would divorce him and never look back. His loss not mines. I KNOW what I want out of life and a cheating H is not one of them. I would be perfectly content living a single life for the rest of my life.

Ultimately the decision is yours. What is it that you want? But give yourself time to decide.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life...was believing that "love" could fix character flaws.

If you really loved me, you would ... (fill in the blank)
If you really loved me, you would not ... (fill in the blank)

The worst part of that attitude was that I made my husband's character flaws all about ME: If I was a better person, my husband would love me more, and then he would not do .... (fill in the blank).

I set myself up for failure every single time, with my unrealistic expectations and a refusal to recognize, acknowledge, and accept my husband as "who he is" not "who I want him to be".

It was a very disrespectful attitude to my husband, and a devastating attitude to me personally. Because the more hurtful my husband's behavior was....the more unworthy and useless I felt.

Love does not "fix" or "protect" anyone from making bad choices in life.

The choice your husband made, sadly, is because his self-gratification was more important to him than protecting you. This is who he was - if he has changed, it remains to be seen.

white_dove777 - I have made it very clear I cannot and will not go thru this again. Period. I will live in a cardboard box if I have to.

Bramble- You are exactly right. Love does not conquer all, sadly, or fix character flaws. It was NOT about ME.
We had a great talk last night and made real progress again. He made a devastating decision that night of the ONS and has issues he is dealing with in IC and our MC. He went down the wrong path and sees that very clearly now.
I've known him for over 20 years, he is a good man who made a terrible decision. That is the thought I must keep in my mind right now.

We are in this for the long haul...we BOTH agreed on that.
We will fight like ****** for this marriage and if it doesn't work out at least in the end we will know we did all that we could.
Thanks for your support and replies.

***He did not confess. I confronted him with evidence
and he lied and denied for 3 full days right to my face.***

So: What was the evidence? How did you find out about this? My WH also travels regularly to Shanghai.

Thanks
Mulan

Mulan,
I buy all my H's clothes, etc. - almost all - and when he went on the trip he needed new dress shirts so I bought those for him. After his trip in Jan. he needed new shoes badly! One thing I don't normally buy is his shoes but I pulled them out of closet and looked in to see the size...
one condom box ...3 come in the pkg but only had 2 left .. With Chinese lettering...I literally fell to the floor. I thought I would have a heart attack right then and there.

So that's how I found out.

Still unsure how it got there. He doesn't know either, he says. He said she provided them and must have put them in the shoes. Sounds stupid to me. At first I thought he wanted out of this marriage and WANTED me to find it.
He does NOT want out (I might someday!)

So, if your H goes there, well, I'm sure tons of H's go there and all is well. Mine just happened to not refuse such a nice gift. Sickens me that this goes on. Sickens me he did it. I read Shanghai, especially certain areas, are notorious for 'karaoke ' bars, whorehouses and stip clubs. etc. The girls can be their "date" for the evening and everything, dinner, then back to hotel.
Does your H work in Automotive industry????

I need a cocktail.

Thanks very much for the info. Sorry to bring up bad memories for you. My WH is in the credit card industry, which is absolutely booming over there.

I have heard many bad things about Shanghai. Google "Shanghai Karaoke" and brace yourself. I do know that he goes to Karaoke bars while there -- he's said so. God knows what else goes on over there. I sure don't.

Again, thanks very much. Hope things are getting better for you. It does sound like your H is trying.
Mulan

Your H didn't want you to find out but the hooker may have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Recovery now is a 2-fold effort. He needs to help you recovery and visa versa.

What chances are there that you 2 can call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling? I think u 2 still need to badly. Why? For a good recovery plan. U need closure and he needs to regain your trust.

L.