Sorry - I can't seem to be able to reply to the previous thread I started. As a matter of fact - while logged in under my suername - I can't even read the posts. I've got to get that fixed - so here are answers to the questions asked in my earlier post ...

1. From what I understand, his divorce was final in April. I didn't ask in Feb. because he just said he was divorced & I wasn't romantically interested. I didn't learn his divorce was final until sometime in May (I did a check of the public records). He always thought I (I do research for a living) did't ever accept a date because I knew his divorce wasn't final. I just never asked because our conversations about our marriages weren't point blank questions, they only came up during regular conversation.

2. The time line I was given - he had been separated from his ex-wife for a few months before he filed for a divorce, which was in December 04. I don't like to ask people what month they did everything - but maybe I need to?!

3. I have been divorced since Nov '04. I filed in Feb '04. TN has a three month waiting period if minor children are involved. After that, I had to wait to be assigned a court docket date hence the nearly nine month period it took for my divorce to be final. I don't know of anyone who got divorced quickly in this City thanks to the court docket backlog. Additionally - my ex-h and I separated twice 2001 and 2003. In Sept of '03, I did not have money for attorneys fees so I had to wait until an wonderful IRS refund check came available! My ex-h was in Sept '03 living with his OW & OC. I do understand the point you are trying to make in the time allowed for someone to adequately heal, but I'm not quite sure that a 2 yr window is an accurate reflection for everyone. By Nov'03, I realized that I was no longer in love with him and needed to move on. My ex-h had at least 5 affairs that I knew of and an OC. It was simply too much damage in order for it to be fixed.

My ex-h and I are now very civil for the sake of our daughter. But there has been no talk on either side for reconcilliation.

I think I got everything - did I miss a response to anyone?

Hello, Vee,

I was checking on the forums and noted this part of your post. I've updated your profile, which should fix the problem you've been having. Please let me know - e-mail me.

Well, you already have your answer - getting involved with someone who is freshly divorced is very very very risky. And I agree that you definitely should ask about those things. In fact, some of my very first questions when meeting a new prospect deal with how long they have been divorced, followed closely by "why?".

I'll tell you a funny story that happened to me along these lines. I met a lovely lady about a year ago, we hit it off really well and started dating. She was very intense about the whole thing, saying how she never met anyone as knowledgable about relationships as me, as romantic as me, blah blah.. I was falling pretty hard for her too... About six weeks into this, she got that weird look on her face, one that we all know too well... I asked her what was up, and she said that her ex-BF called her and begged to give him another try. I knew that they spent two years together, but I thought they were broken up for four months or so - turned out it was only a week before she met me! I asked her why she never told me about that timeframe - and her answer was (drumroll) - "You never asked!"... I was speechless.

Anyway, I learned to ask lots and lots of questions ever since that experience. Never [censored]-U-ME.

The sidenote to that story was that about six months later, she called me again and wanted to try again, now that she knew for sure it wasn't going to go anywhere with ex-BF. Like a dufus, I agreed, only to get burned again. Moral of the story? If someone dumps you to "try again" with an ex, don't ever take them back - the very fact that they decided to put you on a backburner (no matter how good the reason) tells you that they are simply not all that into you. If they were, they wouldn't let you go.

So if your BF does go back to "try" with his ex, my advice would be to not become involved with him again. IMO, of course.

AGG

Kind of a pavlovian thing huh...

The scientists in the lab are all pointing saying "He can be taught!".

You know I'm just yanking your chain... I'm on a mission to work "fraught with peril" into as many threads as possible. That's 3. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AGG -

Funny you should mention if they dump you don't take them back. Since I've been dating - each and every single guy I've gone out with has attempted to come back. My last boyfriend had a very veiled attempt at it - he just started sending me emails & when I finally got what he wanted out of him - it was"I've grown and I feel guilty over what I did". The other guys weren't so important to me - they were all just very casual dates - but they all come back - just like roaches. LOL

Thanks - I really thought I had gotten all of the "whys" out of this guy. He told me she cheated on him & how it happened. When I told him about how a WS will do anything it takes to restore your trust and prove they are willing to try again - his answer was "She did not do that for me. I gave her X date and when it didn't happen - I moved out." It could be that she has now emerged from the Fog because the guy she had the affair with left her. Who knows - but I am kicking myself because what I saw seemed to be an all clear.

Ho hum - anyway - thanks. One of the tings I love about this board is that it's folks who have been there done that & got the t-shirt!

I'm with AGG on this one. I'd tell him to have a nice life and chaulk this up to "Things we Learn Along the Way." Of course these guys do this, Vee! They go and try the grass over there and when they find it isn't so sweet after all, they come back to a known quantity. Women do the same thing.

I dated a woman (many years ago now) for about three months. She's supposedly broken up with ther BF of two years about four months before we met. One day her phone rang and she got the "oh baby, I've messed up so bad. It's you and only you I want and need" line. I was told that they had a history and she owed it to him to give him another chance. Whatever.... A mutual friend gave me the real history on her relationship with this man. They'd broken up and got back together six times in those two years. He'd go off and find him some honey on the side and break it off with her. When that ended, he came back to her - God forbid that he should endure a dry spell!

Well, about six months after we stopped dating, she called me. Here's how the conversation went:

Her: I've been thinking about you and feel that I did you wrong by dumping you so summarily. You're really nice and I should have treated you better.

Me: thank you, I appreciate that. Is that what you called to tell me?

Her: Yes, and that it's off with "Mark." I'm finished with him for good this time.

Me: What does this have to do with me?

Her: Well, I was thinking that maybe we could have dinner. Like I said you're very nice.

Me: I'm curious. When dod you and Mark break up and who broke up with whom?

Her: Two days ago and he broke up with me. Said he needed space again.

Me: That's too bad. No, I'm not interested in seeing you again?

Her: but, why!?! We got along so well.

Me: Because it sounds like Mark taught you well and I don't date women who have no self-respect. Also I'm not a rental car that can be used while yours is in the shop. I wish you the best. Goodbye.

Check -
I know - but dang it! It still hurts! You know how sometimes - you just wish you could be proven wrong? You know the part that has been on this road where the WS comes back, says they are sorry but the BS feels something is still wrong but tries anyway? Then the BS gets hurt all over again and has to start a new road to recovery. I just feel bad for the poor guy because he kept saying he had apprehensions ... That selfish part of me wants that to happen to him so he can say - dang it why did I bother.

Ya'll - don't mind me - I'm on day 4 of no contact with the ex-bf and I hurt even more knowing that the friend I started off talking politics and I can't ever speak again for the risk of an EA. Gosh this just sucks!

I don't agree with your last statement. The two of you can be friends as long as the boundrires are clearly defined and adhered to. However, some time will need to pass before this can happen. Now is not the time, and if and when the time comes, his significant other must know the nature of your current relationship and must agree that the friendship can happen. Your duty will be not just a friend of the man, but also of his marriage/relationship. Can you do that?

Check -

I understand the need for the boundaries, but I would not allow a friendship to remain if he reconciled with his ex-wife. To me - I would find it wholely unfair to her. I would prefer it to just end. Now - this is me talking as a person who is still hurt & grieving the loss of a relationship. Right now - I can't fathom it. Also, my own personal rule has been to cut ties with men I was romantically involved.

I am now friends with my ex-h and he has been dating the same woman for over a year. I like his gf a lot, she is very nice & treats both me & my daughter with the utmost respect. So, I know I could possibly remain friends with my ex-bf. But again - just out of respect to whatever they end up doing - be it remarriage - I would stay clear of him.

One of the best advices I have seen in this regard has been - "Find yourself a friend you haven't slept with" - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. So I agree with you - it is very very difficult to go from BF/GF to "just friends" - 99% chance that one of the two parties wants more than a friendship.

AGG

OK, so you have a boundry that's a bit farther out than mine. That's perfectly fine. What I suggest isn't easy and not always possible. You have to take care to respect the new woman's position, which is what I meant by you can't just be a friend to the man, but also a friend to his marriage/relationship. That is, respect and support his marriage/relationship and would never do anything to jeopardize it. If you do this, you don't have to worry about the "When Harry Met Sally" scenario AGG alludes to.

And speaking of that, AGG, there are many, many women around me with whom I'd secretely love to do the horizontal mamba. But I'm not a horney teenager and I know that it isn't and shouldn't ever going to happen. Am I going to let this get in the way of finding what could be a great friendship? Absolutely not. I have former lovers who are now friends. It's quite possible if you exercise impulse control. It ain't easy to be a grownup, but it's great work if you can get it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely, I totally agree. I think the key is that some time needs to pass between being lovers and being friends. I don't believe it's easy to go directly from one to the other; but if enough time passes, it is possible. Unless one person still wants more, in that case it'll be an out-of-whack friendship, and who wants that?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AGG